Collection of Lame Jokes

[Klystron]

Did someone mention Elephant?

How do you put high heel shoes on an Elephant?

Spoiler: Elephants wear size (XXL)r^2

Tell her that they make her legs look slender.

A vicar, a monk, and an Elephant walk into a Starbucks.

Spoiler: Hilarity ensues...

"One decaf Latte with whipped cream, one plain tea, plus all the Peanuts in Perth, please!"

 

[nuuskur]

Someone asked me: "Excuse me, do you know what time it is?"
I said "Yes".

 

[jack action]

 

[davenn]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses,
dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded,
amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed

 

[davenn]

 

[DrGreg]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Roget's customers are now lost for words.

 

[Ibix]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses,
dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded,
amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed

They're going to adapt Roget's Thesaurus for the big screen. It'll be called "Thesaurus: The Movie, Film, Picture, Flick".

(Always cite your sources: Milton Jones, I think)

 

[Ibix]

Related: one way to estimate a librarian or bookseller's experience level is to ask for a copy of Roger's Dinosaur and see if they start searching the children's fiction section or go directly to reference books.

 

[nuuskur]

View attachment 248496

It's fine as long as there is visual confirmation of the location of spider. This picture is testament to the fact that problems start once you no longer see the spider :D

 

[BillTre]

 

[Klystron]

[...]problems start once you no longer see the spider :D

The solution to this problem involves music accompanied by body language and signs:

"The inky-binky Spider crawled up the water spout." {Stand straight. Wave your fingers upright in the air to simulate climbing.}

"Down came the rain and washed the spider out" {Frown. Lower your arms and wiggle your fingers downward.}

"Out came the Sun and dried up all the rain." {Smile and lift your fingers in a circle.}

"And the inky-binky Spider climbed up the spout, again." {Stand tall. Wave your hands in the air, triumphant.}

Witness the Spider's dilemma. From YouTube.

 

[WWGD]

I don't know where my sister wants to go. I guess Alaska .

 

[DrGreg]

I don't know where my sister wants to go. I guess Alaska .

My sister went to the West Indies.
Jamaica?
No, she wanted to go.

(A very old joke, paraphrased)

 

[WWGD]

My sister went to the West Indies.
Jamaica?
No, she wanted to go.

(A very old joke, paraphrased)

Addition of jokes: I don't know where my sister wants to go. I guess Alaska. If she won't tell you, Jamaica.

 

[davenn]

ohhhh dear hahaha

 

[fresh_42]

ohhhh dear hahaha

View attachment 248550

Good price!

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

Man #1: Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...

<splat>

Man #2: (while #1 wipes off his eyeglasses) You were right the first time.

 

[davenn]

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

"Oh, oh, the dark forces are coming over me!"
"Have you spilled the coffee again?"

 

[fresh_42]

(https://www.ladenzeile.de/wohnaccessoires/dekoration/tuer/schilder/blech/)

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

Nostradamus knew I was going to make this joke...

 

[Ibix]

What's a snake's favourite subject?

Hissstory.

 

[jack action]

Another password joke:

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

Yesterday I played chess against my little eight-year-old daughter. She was playing for the first time.
Of course I beat her.

But only because the lousy pita has won.