Collection of Lame Jokes

[Borg]

To get a better view?

 

[topsquark]

To get a better view?

I once went to the top of a building because I had heard there was a tornado in the area...

I had lived in Indiana for less than a year. The locals thought I was nuts. (They were probably right!)

-Dan

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

To rescue a member of your own family?

You see it in office buildings, I don't think it's likely your relatives are around. Buy, good point, I hadn't considered the perspective.

 

[Borg]

I once went to the top of a building because I had heard there was a tornado in the area...

I had lived in Indiana for less than a year. The locals thought I was nuts. (They were probably right!)

-Dan

Years ago when I smoked, I went downstairs to go outside my building for a smoke. When I got to the ground floor, there was a bunch of people crowded along the large windows in the lobby staring at the building next door. When I asked what was going on, I was told that there was an active shooting going on there and that he might be on the roof. I looked at the building with its perfect view of our target-rich environment and went back upstairs - those people were nuts.

 

[jack action]

As a mortician, I always tie the shoelaces together of the dead. Cause if there is ever a zombie apocalypse, it will be hilarious.

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

But why would you go upstairs if there's a fire?

Why would you use it at all if the sign says you can't use it in case there might be a fire? It's like disabled toilets. What's the point in having them if they're always disabled?

 

[fresh_42]

But why would you go upstairs if there's a fire?

The sign is meant for all the people who only enter the elevator to listen to the magnificent elevator music.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[WWGD]

Why would you use it at all if the sign says you can't use it in case there might be a fire? It's like disabled toilets. What's the point in having them if they're always disabled?

But why is then there a sign to that effect on the ground floor? It makes sense in upper floors, not in the ground floor. That's my point.

 

[fresh_42]

But why is then there a sign to that effect on the ground floor? It makes sense in upper floors, not in the ground floor. That's my point.

I do not understand especially your concern! It is you who lives in a society where everybody can sue anybody for what the rest of us would consider large nonsense. I have read about cases in the US that would never ever be accepted here by a court.

Thus, if the regulation says "in every floor" then it has to be in every floor, regardless of whether it makes sense or not.

 

[berkeman]

I do not understand especially your concern! It is you who lives in a society where everybody can sue anybody for what the rest of us would consider large nonsense.

https://fox2now.com/am-show/stl-moms/remove-child-before-washing/

 

[jbriggs444]

But why is then there a sign to that effect on the ground floor? It makes sense in upper floors, not in the ground floor. That's my point.

If the goal is to create a cultural awareness, the ground floor is a much better place for the sign than any other floor.

In addition, if you put it outside the elevator on every floor, the installers never have to remember the exception. It's the same reason that I use the turn signal when no one else is nearby.

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 329736
https://fox2now.com/am-show/stl-moms/remove-child-before-washing/

I remember the following dialogue on a (Spanish) plane while an English lady and I tried to get drunk on a short 2-hour flight:

Me: "I am surprised that they still serve the wine in glasses!"
Rosemary: "Oh shut up. Don't give them ideas!"

 

[WWGD]

If the goal is to create a cultural awareness, the ground floor is a much better place for the sign than any other floor.

In addition, if you put it outside the elevator on every floor, the installers never have to remember the exception. It's the same reason that I use the turn signal when no one else is nearby.

Fair-enough, redundancy is often needed.

 

[artis]

I do not understand especially your concern! It is you who lives in a society where everybody can sue anybody for what the rest of us would consider large nonsense. I have read about cases in the US that would never ever be accepted here by a court.

Thus, if the regulation says "in every floor" then it has to be in every floor, regardless of whether it makes sense or not.

Although it seems true that in US one can sue for very mediocre everyday stuff , especially if one has the money I assume, but I think that is better than the other end where for example in countries like the one in which I live , one sometimes can't even sue for important stuff, especially if one doesn't have the money or health to go through the process.

Since this is a joke thread, let me just throw in some real world dark humor based on true experience.
Once a mad (mental patient) who was aggressive and angry ran into my apartment searching for someone.
Imagine a large muscular man with bald head, not the nicest thing around.
Later as I talked to the police I filed a complaint and I asked the police officer, is this a criminal case where someone just busts into your house?
He replied, if the door wasn't locked and no humans or stuff was damaged then no!
He suggested locking doors and possibly building a stronger physique in the future to deter such cases...

He essentially told me I need to go to gym more often...

Owning a gun in my country is very complicated, and we are limited to basically only hunting rifles or 9mm handguns. I would say in cases like these having a gun is not a bad thing, otherwise here in Europe they tell you to go to gym.
I forgot to ask him whether I should try out some martial arts too as that might help.

 

[BillTre]

 

[topsquark]

View attachment 329752

Thank you, BamBam. That one hurt!

-Dan

 

[Ibix]

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Spoiler

Prime mates

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

 

[topsquark]

View attachment 329782

When I was in High School, my sister was bored and decided to drag me to the mall to window shop for clothes. After over an hour, the third store, and the lost hope that she might actually buy something after all, I decided to get even. She went back to try a stack of clothes on and I started flirting with the assistants. (They picked up with what was going on pretty quickly, and started flirting back). She came out, put down the clothes and practically dragged me out of the mall. She never dragged me out again.

-Dan

(No, I didn't get a date).

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

View attachment 329793

When he was making the movie JAWS, Spielberg named the mechanical shark Bruce; named after his lawyer,

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The water in the Gulf of Mexico is so hot that when you catch a fish, you don't even need cook it.

It's so hot in Phoenix that many residents are growing horns and a tail.

 

[fresh_42]

... and now I can't get rid of that earworm ...

 

[jack action]

 

[artis]

Actually that is also how I feel (a man) when shopping for my own clothes...

Those factory sized shopping malls and the endless barrage of clothes , it can overload a practical man like me, I mean why has humanity invented so many clothes?

The culprit is that fashion designers have convinced the world that it is an actual job their doing

 

[Ivan Seeking]

... and now I can't get rid of that earworm ...

Hear here

 

[Borg]

The 10 hour version:

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jack action]

 

[topsquark]

How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

-Dan

 

[Ivan Seeking]

How many psychiatrists? Two
One to screw in the bulb, and one to tell you why you need to screw in the bulb.

 

[berkeman]

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063867950027&__cft__[0]=AZVJGW9WZvhJhd4GKE3PbOBy6S8jvQsg6fdi0qFyFuETxohgPmaYXwjogDg1D2dx_teB9NYHrJDEqSOnwX6y4Hx21ADcFrz2S-iW95k7rWKw_rbPcY0JWS5tcQIts2Ho86P9ceueJ3okhELkvNcEOXWMdarcsaZfnabpNroIMS9ukxic_RbNT08GYGkBtCv03g4&__tn__=<,P-R

Missed Approaches and go arounds​

·
From now on, it'll never be said that airport ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. We dug up a few actual (or at least claimed to be) logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on backorder.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for!
Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.
Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Problem: Radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed radar with words.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution: Suspect you're right.
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

By the way, according to the report, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. Really inspires alot of confidence doesn't it?

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063867950027

 

[phinds]

Three of my favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

If you don't like what this says about YOUR state, try to take it with a grain of salt. It's a joke.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[DrGreg]

In 2001, the 4th most popular religion in England and Wales was Jedi, according to that year's census.

That's not a joke: it really happened. See Jedi census phenomenon.

 

[jack action]

People who can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

 

[phinds]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]