Collection of Lame Jokes

[jack action]

Comparing Tesla 0-60 times to real performance cars is like comparing a microwave to a BBQ grill.

It may cook faster but nobody ever wished for a microwaved burger.

 

[jack action]

 

[berkeman]

From FB today:

 

[jtbell]

A guy gets home from a Saturday night gig with his band.

Wife: "Where's your instrument?"

Guy: "Oh nooo! I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco!"

 

[davenn]

 

[nuuskur]

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jack action]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

My GF is being harassed by a woman dating a former male friend . He wanted more than friendship but my GF wasn't interested. So apparently he is spreading nasty rumors about my GF, hence the harassment. My GF was asking if I had any idea how to put a stop to it.

I told her to message her former friend and all concerned explaining that she is a man transitioning to a woman. She loved the idea. After she quit laughing she said she is going to do it.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

View attachment 329558​

Based on the clothing and background, that scene appears to be around 1900. Any moon landing then WAS faked.

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

View attachment 329494

I'll see your duck and raise you a turtle:

 

[fresh_42]

I'll see your duck and raise you a turtle:

View attachment 329562​

Let's make it a 3 bet. I raise a chicken:

 

[davenn]

 

[DennisN]

 

[jack action]

 

[jtbell]

How our Aussie friends celebrated the blockbuster movie weekend: with a shrimp on the Barbie!

 

[nuuskur]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Oppenheimer pulled in over $80 million over its opening weekend.

Good thing! I didn't want to read that Oppenheimer bombed at the theater.

 

[davenn]

 

[nuuskur]

talk about double standards

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

"Then what the deuce is this", surely.

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 329631​

It's probably because of the "p" because I asked that myself in the case of a pair of pants.

 

[JT Smith]

Has the creator of that joke never played cards?

 

[DaveC426913]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Every time I see the thread Polarizing ink and glasses
I think, newspaper ink and whisky glasses.

 

[JT Smith]

View attachment 329634

Kind of like magnetic monopole?

Let's see you do that same dissection with a pair of underpants.

 

[phinds]

 

[jack action]

Hi Guys, I have a serious problem I need help with...

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she "goes out with the girls" a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night at about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

 

[Ibix]

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

Weld, I gather.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[artis]

Oppenheimer truly is a blockbuster... in the true sense of the word.I rate Oppenheimer at 9.5 (Megatons) , mind you, that is far higher than what even they had hoped...

Bravo, Bravo, what a blast! Almost felt like a "blast from the past"...

 

[phinds]

Oppenheimer truly is a blockbuster... in the true sense of the word.I rate Oppenheimer at 9.5 (Megatons) , mind you, that is far higher than what even they had hoped...

Bravo, Bravo, what a blast!

And this is a joke? Why?

 

[artis]

 

[artis]

And this is a joke? Why?

I'm sorry you didn't like it, but it's better than what chatGPT gave me. Tried to improvise.

 

[nuuskur]

word play

 

[fresh_42]

Weather man speaks accidentally 20 minutes in a terrier!

 

[artis]

word play

Yes, well that's the fun with English language, many words with more than one meaning, not that these jokes have the highest value or level but one can crack a smile anyway

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Hi Guys, I have a serious problem I need help with...

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she "goes out with the girls" a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night at about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

Same thing happened to me. I finally confronted her and asked where she has been going. She pulled two handfuls of quarters our of her jacket and said that in order to help with the bills, she's been working as a escort. Furious, I asked who the hell gave her quarters?!?! She said, "They all did".

 

[topsquark]

My new favorite insult to give to someone who just walks up to you and starts pestering you:
"I assume you know me from somewhere. Did I ruin your sister's reputation? If so, I'm afraid she was quite forgettable."

-Dan

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

And this is a joke? Why?

Manhattan Project?

 

[WWGD]

Weird how buildings have a sign saying " In case of fire, use stairs, not the elevator". Including in the lower floor. Has someone chosen to go up the elevator upon hearing of a fire taking place?

 

[BillTre]

Has someone chosen to go up the elevator upon hearing of a fire taking place?

Maybe if their at the fifth sub-basement.

 

[Ibix]

Weird how buildings have a sign saying " In case of fire, use stairs, not the elevator".

Yeah, I mean, what's the point of having an elevator if you can't use it in case there might be a fire?

 

[WWGD]

Yeah, I mean, what's the point of having an elevator if you can't use it in case there might be a fire?

No, the sign was at the lowest floor. If you used an elevator it could only be in order to go upstairs. But why would you go upstairs if there's a fire?

 

[DrGreg]

But why would you go upstairs if there's a fire?

To rescue a member of your own family?