Collection of Lame Jokes

[phinds]

 

[nuuskur]

What are all these people screaming for?

 

[phinds]

Normal person in a plane that's in a steep dive and going to hit the ground in 8 seconds: "AAARRRRGGGG --- we're all gonna die !!!"

Fighter Pilot in a plane that's in a steep dive and going to hit the ground in 8 seconds: "8 seconds? Hell, I can pull us out of this in 6." Yawn.

 

[WWGD]

 

[Borg]

I still remember the top picture. Those flights were awesome.

 

[WWGD]

Waiter, I'll have a Pepsi.
Do you want it in the can?
No, I'll have it here in the table.

 

[berkeman]

From FB today:

 

[BillTre]

From Xitter:

 

[topsquark]

From Xitter:View attachment 330021

When I went to my undergrad in the late 80s, there was a very progressive female movement there. Now, I'm all for equal rights and everything, but I usually hold a door open for the person behind me and this one time it was a woman and she said "I can open my own door, thank you not!" (I would have held it for a man if one had been behind me.) I am aware that not all women are like that but, sheesh! Because there's the other set of women that get mad when you don't hold the door for them.

-Dan

 

[berkeman]

I usually hold a door open for the person behind me

The pandemic added a whole new (non gender related) layer to this. I've held more doors open for others behind me during these last couple years than my whole lifetime before that...

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[artis]

Not really a joke but thought I'd share, this is how a large majority in eastern Europe feels.

 

[Borg]

Spoiler: I think that I've figured out why Elon Musk changed Twitter to X.

Because Q was already taken.

 

[jack action]

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day;
Push a man out of a plane at 30 000 ft and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

 

[jack action]

THE RULES OF GAMES IN OUR CHILDHOOD​

1. The big one is always the goalkeeper
2. The match only ends if all the players are tired (except rule 6)
3. Whatever the score, the team that scores the last goal wins the match
4. There is no referee
5. There is no penalty unless the fault is serious
6. If the owner of the ball gets angry, the game is over
7. The 2 best players cannot play in the same team so each one chooses their players
8. If you are chosen last it is a humiliation
9. If there is a penalty, the goalkeeper is replaced by the best player in the team
10. When the ball leaves the field, far away, the one who hit the ball will get it
11. The best player on the field is always in the same team as the owner of the ball otherwise the match is stopped.

 

[artis]

Can someone please give me Avogadro's number?

I had it, but when changing phones I lost it, need to speak to him urgently! Joke credit - Eric Metaxas from Socrates in the city talk.

 

[WWGD]

Can someone please give me Avogadro's number?

I had it, but when changing phones I lost it, need to speak to him urgently! Joke credit - Eric Metaxas from Socrates in the city talk.

I've seen his toast advertised as well.

 

[DrGreg]

Can someone please give me Avogadro's number?

I had it, but when changing phones I lost it, need to speak to him urgently!

I hear that Avogadro has now settled down. Until a few years ago, he kept changing his number.

 

[Ibix]

I hear that Avogadro has now settled down. Until a few years ago, he kept changing his number.

I note that 602 is a Phoenix, Arizona area code, so there may be someone with the number 602 2140760. All UK area codes start with a zero. 0602 used to be Nottingham, but has been retired I think. Maybe he moved to Phoenix...?

 

[WWGD]

Asian empires repelled their enemies gradually, steppe by steppe.

 

[WWGD]

 

[artis]

I hear that Avogadro has now settled down. Until a few years ago, he kept changing his number.

I note that 602 is a Phoenix, Arizona area code, so there may be someone with the number 602 2140760. All UK area codes start with a zero. 0602 used to be Nottingham, but has been retired I think. Maybe he moved to Phoenix...?

Maybe he's a "mole"?...

 

[phinds]

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[nuuskur]

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jack action]

View attachment 330153

I think they came back. To teach us how to build pyramids. They have really given up when we could only think of one way to use them:

 

[Ibix]

I'm thinking of opening a restaurant called Karma. There'll be no menu - you'll just get what you deserve.

 

[Ibix]

I'm thinking of opening a restaurant called Karma. There'll be no menu - you'll just get what you deserve.

If it's successful I'll open another place that doesn't sell main courses. I'll call that one Just Desserts.

 

[fresh_42]

If it's successful I'll open another place that doesn't sell main courses. I'll call that one Just Desserts.

And for the great opening, you will reunite Oasis?

_{... run and hide ...}

 

[DaveC426913]

View attachment 330151

I don't get it.

 

[fresh_42]

I don't get it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decline_in_insect_populations

 

[dextercioby]

 

[DaveC426913]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decline_in_insect_populations

Yeah, I suspected as much. But there's not really a punchline.

[ EDIT ] Oh. There really is an irony though I guess.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Windshield_phenomenon

 

[fresh_42]

Yeah, I suspected as much. But there's not really a punchline.

The punchline is that we are happy with a fact that actually is a catastrophe.

 

[topsquark]

The punchline is that we are happy with a fact that actually is a catastrophe.

Fewer bugs = fewer spiders. That's a win to me!

-Dan

 

[fresh_42]

Fewer bugs = fewer spiders. That's a win to me!

-Dan

To me as well. I don't have kids, so I do not care what will be left. I don't think that our species deserves survival. At least not those who constantly trade nature for profit. Those few tribes in the Amazonas who don't still have chances to survive when our modern world will long be gone.

 

[WWGD]

Fewer bugs = fewer spiders. That's a win to me!

-Dan

And I believe northern countries may benefit from slight amounts of warming over the long run.

 

[fresh_42]

And I believe northern countries may benefit from slight amounts of warming over the long run.

We will talk again after the Gulf Stream collapsed.

Your "belief" is (un?)fortunately irrelevant to facts.

 

[WWGD]

We will talk again after the Gulf Stream collapsed.

Your "belief" is (un?)fortunately irrelevant to facts.

Given previous failed predictions, I won't hold my breath. A prediction is not a "fact".

 

[fresh_42]

Given previous failed predictions, I won't hold my breath. A prediction is not a fact.

Well, NYC had been under ice once ... (I'm not sure about "under water". A pretty safe bet.)

 

[phinds]

 

[DaveC426913]

And I believe northern countries may benefit from slight amounts of warming over the long run.

Proactively looking for investors in my Orange grove business here in Canada.

 

[topsquark]

To me as well. I don't have kids, so I do not care what will be left. I don't think that our species deserves survival. At least not those who constantly trade nature for profit. Those few tribes in the Amazonas who don't still have chances to survive when our modern world will long be gone.

Oh, I care about the environment and the rest. If we are going to destroy the environment the way we apparently are, it's not very nice of us to take a number of other species down with us.

It's just that I'm allergic to spider venom (think bee stings) and I've become a serious arachniphobe. I'd far rather deal with the extra bugs!

-Dan

 

[fresh_42]

Oh, I care about the environment and the rest. If we are going to destroy the environment the way we apparently are, it's not very nice of us to take a number of other species down with us.

It's just that I'm allergic to spider venom (think bee stings) and I've become a serious arachniphobe. I'd far rather deal with the extra bugs!

-Dan

We have had "Earth Day" these days, in the first week of August!

 

[Bystander]

We have had "Earth Day" these days, in the first week of August!

"Lame Jokes" has gone to the "Knacker's?" What's it still doing here?

https://www.google.com/search?q=kna...EzNzcxajBqN6gCALACAA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8