Collection of Lame Jokes

[ThomasT]

This is especially for Lancelot59:

Dracula goes to Rome and checks into the Grand Italia Hotel.
The bellhop, after bringing in his coffin, asks if there is anything he
can do for him. Dracula says, "Yes, there is," and lunges for the boy's
throat. After draining the blood from him, Dracula throws the bellhop's
lifeless body out his bedroom window. The body lands on a policeman
stationed in front of the
hotel. The impact sends the policeman sprawling to the ground.
Meanwhile, Dracula still has not satisfied his bloodlust, so he goes
into the hotel's hallway and grabs a chambermaid. When finished with
her, he throws her drained body out the same window. This body, too,
lands on the unfortunate policeman, who has just managed to dust himself
off after the first assault. This time, however, he was knocked cold.
A half hour later the police commissioner arrives on the scene and
manages to get the unconscious officer back to his senses. "Officer
Vetillo, can you explain what is going on here?" the commissioner asks as
he looks at the dead drained bodies on the ground.
"I don't honestly know, sir. [Racial slur removed]"

 

[ThomasT]

A fellow goes to confession and tells the priest, "Father, I've
had an affair with another woman."
"I see," says the priest, looking very grave. "But, I cannot grant
you absolution until you tell me who she is."
"Well, okay, Father," says the guy somewhat reluctantly. "Her name
is kitty Green, and she's a blonde and a knockout."
The following Sunday, this gorgeous blonde makes her way down the
aisle and into the front pew. The priest takes a few good looks and
finally asks the altar boy, "Son, is that kitty Green?"
The altar boy stoops down and peers, then says, "No, Father, I think
that's just the reflection from the stained glass windows."

 

[Lancelot59]

This is especially for Lancelot59:

Dracula goes to Rome and checks into the Grand Italia Hotel.
The bellhop, after bringing in his coffin, asks if there is anything he
can do for him. Dracula says, "Yes, there is," and lunges for the boy's
throat. After draining the blood from him, Dracula throws the bellhop's
lifeless body out his bedroom window. The body lands on a policeman
stationed in front of the
hotel. The impact sends the policeman sprawling to the ground.
Meanwhile, Dracula still has not satisfied his bloodlust, so he goes
into the hotel's hallway and grabs a chambermaid. When finished with
her, he throws her drained body out the same window. This body, too,
lands on the unfortunate policeman, who has just managed to dust himself
off after the first assault. This time, however, he was knocked cold.
A half hour later the police commissioner arrives on the scene and
manages to get the unconscious officer back to his senses. "Officer
Vetillo, can you explain what is going on here?" the commissioner asks as
he looks at the dead drained bodies on the ground.
"I don't honestly know, sir. [Racial slur removed][/color]"

Eh...I think I get it.

A fellow goes to confession and tells the priest, "Father, I've
had an affair with another woman."
"I see," says the priest, looking very grave. "But, I cannot grant
you absolution until you tell me who she is."
"Well, okay, Father," says the guy somewhat reluctantly. "Her name
is kitty Green, and she's a blonde and a knockout."
The following Sunday, this gorgeous blonde makes her way down the
aisle and into the front pew. The priest takes a few good looks and
finally asks the altar boy, "Son, is that kitty Green?"
The altar boy stoops down and peers, then says, "No, Father, I think
that's just the reflection from the stained glass windows."

I get it...

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

A creeper divided by zero.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ENsPa6WX1E

 

[Borek]

There are two rules that lead to a success:
1. Never say everything you know.

 

[fuzzyfelt]

There are two rules that lead to a success:
1. Never say everything you know.

I didn't get it the first time I clicked on this thread. Luckily I accidentally clicked on it again!

 

[BobG]

A Colorado man whose foot was trapped under a trailer for almost 30 minutes freed himself by cutting off all five of his toes. He wrapped his foot up in his shirt and drove until his cell phone was finally able to receive a signal and then called an ambulance. He should have called a tow truck.

http://www.nbc11news.com/home/headlines/Man_cuts_off_toes_with_pocket_knife_128822188.html

 

[turbo]

A Colorado man whose foot was trapped under a trailer for almost 30 minutes freed himself by cutting off all five of his toes. He wrapped his foot up in his shirt and drove until his cell phone was finally able to receive a signal and then called an ambulance. He should have called a [STRIKE]tow[/STRIKE] toe truck.

Fixed that for you.

 

[Isaacsname]

What's the difference between narcolepsy and ...ZZZzzzzzzZZzzzzzz...zzzzZZZzzzzzz

 

[HeLiXe]

lololz

 

[jtbell]

A man walks into a pet shop.

Says he: "I'd like to buy a frog."

Sales associate: "Yes, sir. Would you like flies with that?"

 

[leontd]

A caveman fought his way out of the cave when he heard "VOTE NOW FOR CHANGE"!

 

[HeLiXe]

A caveman fought his way out of the cave when he heard "VOTE NOW FOR CHANGE"!

I don't get it

 

[FizixFreak]

What did argon said to florine when she told him that he was very insensitive...?

Argon simply didnt reacted

 

[HeLiXe]

lololz

 

[I like Serena]

lololz

You appear to react more than I would expect!

 

[HeLiXe]

lolollll in person people always tell me jokes because I laugh so much

 

[jobyts]

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a$$hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to & find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No shi*?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

 

[BobG]

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No shi*?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

Somehow, the punch line was deleted. Who did she play for? Brampton?

Actually, I'm guessing the missing punch line is about driving Zambonis while drinking or about smoking cigars on the ice? (Just remembering the controversy over Canada's post-game celebration after beating the US in the Women's Olympic Gold Medal game).

And I think it's kind of poor taste to suggest that any Canadian woman that doesn't play hockey must be a whore. Maybe she was just paralyzed in an auto accident or something and isn't physically capable of playing hockey anymore.

 

[jobyts]

And I think it's kind of poor taste to suggest that any Canadian woman that doesn't play hockey must be a whore. Maybe she was just paralyzed in an auto accident or something and isn't physically capable of playing hockey anymore.

The fun part is how the boy was quickly able to come up with a statement that otherwise would have caused an awkward situation. It has nothing to do with Canada or whores or hockey.

I have a feeling that you didn't get the joke.

 

[BobG]

The fun part is how the boy was quickly able to come up with a statement that otherwise would have caused an awkward situation. It has nothing to do with Canada or whores or hockey.

I have a feeling that you didn't get the joke.

Good! Most people would think I was being obnoxiously obtuse!

But it is humorous that the joke failed to understand just how many people in Canada do play hockey.

 

[Drakkith]

I've developed an equation that describes all extraterrestrial life. ET = 4n.

 

[lisab]

I've developed an equation that describes all extraterrestrial life. ET = 4n.

Would an extraterrestrial dog be 4nk9?

 

[Drakkith]

Would an extraterrestrial dog be 4nk9?

 

[QuarkCharmer]

I've developed an equation that describes all extraterrestrial life. ET = 4n.

I love it when I see this thread has been updated!

How about:
ET = 4nΩ

 

[Borek]

I've developed an equation that describes all extraterrestrial life. ET = 4n.

Would an extraterrestrial dog be 4nk9?

I am not sure I get it. I don't speak English, I only type.

Foreign canine?

 

[Char. Limit]

I am not sure I get it. I don't speak English, I only type.

Foreign canine?

Yup!

 

[Borek]

Wow, didn't know I am that good

 

[LJW]

If a Higgs Boson occurs in a particle physics experiment, and no physicists evaluate the particle, does it exist?

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

 

[lisab]

A screwdriver walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?" The screwdriver answers, "You have a drink named Steve?"

 

[rootX]

A screwdriver walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?" The screwdriver answers, "You have a drink named Steve?"

My favorite drink!

 

[Buckethead]

There was a doctor who always went to the bar across the street to get his unusal, an almond daquari. One day the bartenter was out of almonds and thinking the doc wouldn't noticed whipped up a daquari made with hickory sticks. The doc was not easily fooled and upon asking if his drink was an almond daquari found the bartender responding apologetically "No, it a hickory daquari doc"

 

[QuarkCharmer]

What do chemists like?

Spoiler

Alkynes of things!

 

[novop]

So a guy walks into a quantum cafe and asks for a coffee with half a sugar in it...

 

[cobalt124]

A funeral procession drives slowly down a steep hill. Suddenly there is total brake failure on the hearse and it speeds out of control down the hill. The quick thinking eldest son of the deceased jumps out of his car, runs into a nearby chemists, runs up to to the counter and says "Quick, have you got something to stop me coffin!"

 

[jtbell]

From New Yorker magazine:

“We’ve agreed to count it as both a wave and a particle for tax purposes.”

 

[QuarkCharmer]

I thought of a particularly lame joke today and I wanted to share it with you all. At least it's an original one as far as I know.

What do physicists drink for any duration of time?

Spoiler

Δt, get it?

 

[micromass]

I thought of a particularly lame joke today and I wanted to share it with you all. At least it's an original one as far as I know.

What do physicists drink for any duration of time?

Spoiler

Δt, get it?

LOLOLOLOL

What does a physicist have when he broke up with his girlfriend for a while??

Delta ex

 

[QuarkCharmer]

LOLOLOLOL

What does a physicist have when he broke up with his girlfriend for a while??

Delta ex

http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2009/3/11/128812761190384562.jpg

 

[QuarkCharmer]

LOLOLOLOL

What does a physicist have when he broke up with his girlfriend for a while??

Delta ex

Oh wait I have a better one:

When do they get back together?

When Δx=x_{0}, of course.

(Read "naught", but if you like the other way of saying it read on)
Did you know that a physicist worked on the first Mortal Kombat game as the lead character developer?

Originally there was only one character, _{0}.

 

[jtbell]

I swear, I saw this on TV just a few minutes ago, on NBC's Today show: a duck drinking ale in a pub in England.

How does he pay for it, I wonder? They must put it on his bill.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I've developed an equation that describes all extraterrestrial life. ET = 4n.

So you're eating foreign food.

 

[jobyts]

In a factory: A man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly.
CEO of that factory came and asked his salary... Man replied $2000 sir...
CEO took out his wallet & gave $6000 and told him "I pay people here to work and not to waste time... This is ur 3 months salary. Now get out of here. Dont come back".
That guy left.
CEO asked workers "who was that guy?"
Workers replied "courier boy sir"

Moral: Don't try to be strategic moron in every situation!

 

[HeLiXe]

So you're eating foreign food.

 

[Isaacsname]

Powers of ten parody, adults only, this means you should get out now..

I'm too dense to figure out embedding videos, deal with it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeSC75qBDXI&feature=player_embedded#!

 

[YummyFur]

Doctor: so when did you first realize you had diarrhoea.
Patient: when I took off my bicycle clips.

 

[jtbell]

After living in the jungle for several years, Lord Greystoke was finally captured by a tribe of cannibals who killed him and cut him up for stew. The tribe's head musician saved the stomach, tanned it, and used it for a drum head. He composed a song to celebrate his new instrument: "The Tarzan's Tripes Forever."

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Powers of ten parody, adults only, this means you should get out now..

I'm too dense to figure out embedding videos, deal with it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeSC75qBDXI&feature=player_embedded#!

That's crude but funny. We just watched the original video in a class not too long ago. I never knew that the nearest star was called Burning Hot Glow Ball.

 

[Drakkith]

Powers of ten parody, adults only, this means you should get out now..

I'm too dense to figure out embedding videos, deal with it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeSC75qBDXI&feature=player_embedded#!

Omg...so wrong...but so funny!

 

[HeLiXe]

I miss the mathematician jokes