Collection of Lame Jokes

[DaveC426913]

On that subject:
[PLAIN]http://chzragecomics.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/rage-comics-not-even-a-kiss.jpg[/QUOTE]

I just don't get these. I never think these are funny.

 

[Evo]

That's great!

 

[Isaacsname]

Brace yourself..


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPPbONFXYc

 

[DaveC426913]

Brace yourself..


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPPbONFXYc

OK. I'm braced...

 

[Isaacsname]

Well, that was anticlimactic. I was trying to post some nice relaxing tunes.

 

[FeDeX_LaTeX]

When is a function not a function?

When it's the Dirac delta function.

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

 

[Isaacsname]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

I can see how that would work.

I would need some therapy after a visit with the proctologist.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

Heads or tails?

Have you ever wondered what drives a person to become a proctologist? When I was a kid, I liked playing with engines and electronics, my chemistry set, and anything that looked technical. This was certainly predictive of my future interests. As for proctologists, what did they play with as kids?

Here kitty kitty kitty?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

I laughed when I read this.

Whenever I talk with my elderly mother I try to have a joke at the ready to cheer her up. She loves a good joke. I considered telling her this one but thought it was a bit on the dicey side. However, my mother has never been a shrinking violet, and when we spoke she was feeling a bit depressed, so I decided to give it a go. I hardly got started when she interrupted me saying that she's heard it before - from a priest!

 

[DaveC426913]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

So this gynaecologist decides he wants to become an engine mechanic...

 

[BobG]

Heads or tails?

Have you ever wondered what drives a person to become a proctologist? When I was a kid, I liked playing with engines and electronics, my chemistry set, and anything that looked technical. This was certainly predictive of my future interests. As for proctologists, what did they play with as kids?

Here kitty kitty kitty?

When people at a party find out you're an engineer, they usually say they thought about becoming an engineer, but decided not to because they weren't any good at math. I wonder what they say when they find out a person is a proctologist? (probably not "Let me shake your hand!")

 

[FlexGunship]

When people at a party find out you're an engineer, they usually say they thought about becoming an engineer, but decided not to because they weren't any good at math. I wonder what they say when they find out a person is a proctologist?

"Oh, you're a proctologist? I never, even for a brief glimmer of a moment, remotely considered becoming a proctologist."

 

[Borek]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Poor proctologists; always the butt of the joke.

If you want to logon to the proctologists network, just type C: [Enter]

 

[Isaacsname]

The Redneck Medical Dictionary:

Artery- The study of paintings.
Bacteria- Back door to cafeteria.
Barium- What doctors do when patients die.
Benign- What you be after you be eight.
Catscan- Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize- Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section- A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic- A sheep dog.
Coma- A punctuation mark.
D&C- Where Washington is.
Dilate- To live long.
Enema- Not a friend.
Fester- Quicker than someone else.
Fibula- A small lie.
Genital- Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series- World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail- What you hang your coat on.
Impotent- Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain- Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff- A Doctor's cane.
Morbid- A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates- Cheaper than day rates.
Node- I knew it.
Outpatient- A person who has fainted.
Ovaries- You get to try again.
Pap Smear- A fatherhood test.
Pelvis- Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative- A letter carrier.
Recovery Room- Place to do upholstery.
Rectum- Dang near killed him.
Secretion- Hiding something.
Seizure- Roman emperor.
Tablet- A small table.
Terminal Illness- Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor- More than one.
Urine- Opposite of you're out.
Varicose- Near by/close by.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to
take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was
discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely
interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied
the professor.

----

 

[jtbell]

Archduke Otto von Habsburg, who died recently at the age of 98, was once told about an upcoming Austria-Hungary football (soccer) match. His response: "Who are we playing?"

 

[OmCheeto]

One of my facebook friends posted the following this morning:

Today my sweet little angle turns 9, Happy Birthday Ty!

My response:

Hes acute little angle. :)

 

[Char. Limit]

One of my facebook friends posted the following this morning:



My response:

I like this post.

 

[OmCheeto]

I like this post.

It's been 5 hours now, and no one has made comment about my joke.

You really need to marry your girlfriend, and have about between 5 million and 3 billion kids.

Otherwise...

 

[DaveC426913]

We get it.

 

[HeLiXe]

lolz

 

[Borek]

Actually I didn't get it till this morning, so I couldn't comment on earlier.

But now, that I know what I am commenting on, I like it.

 

[OmCheeto]

Actually I didn't get it till this morning, so I couldn't comment on earlier.

But now, that I know what I am commenting on, I like it.

I can relate. I just now got jtbell's joke. It took me two days!:

Archduke Otto von Habsburg, who died recently at the age of 98, was once told about an upcoming Austria-Hungary football (soccer) match. His response: "Who are we playing?"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

My eyes aren't so good anymore and at first I read a thread title in GD as "Boobs that changed your life". As I rushed to type the first of a hundred stories swirling in memory, I realized that the title was "Books that changed your life".

Well darn, that's not nearly as interesting.

 

[HeLiXe]

My eyes aren't so good anymore and at first I read a thread title in GD as "Boobs that changed your life"

I don't even know what the rest of your post says lololll

 

[Borek]

When your wife tells you to switch roles in the bed, don't tell her you have a terrible headache.

 

[OmCheeto]

My eyes aren't so good anymore and at first I read a thread title in GD as "Boobs that changed your life". As I rushed to type the first of a hundred stories swirling in memory, I realized that the title was "Books that changed your life".

Well darn, that's not nearly as interesting.

I've always found malfunctioning senses to be quite entertaining. Yesterday, I heard a commercial on the radio selling a drug that cured puppiness. I thought to myself, "If rootX took that drug, would he disappear?"

yes. I know. Time to change the batteries...

 

[HeLiXe]

When your wife tells you to switch roles in the bed, don't tell her you have a terrible headache.

I love this lol

 

[WhoWee]

I am SPAM-free today - so far.

 

[DaveC426913]

When your wife tells you to switch roles in the bed...

yes. I know. Time to change the batteries...

Did I get some wires crossed? Again?

 

[Isaacsname]

My eyes aren't so good anymore and at first I read a thread title in GD as "Boobs that changed your life". As I rushed to type the first of a hundred stories swirling in memory, I realized that the title was "Books that changed your life".

Well darn, that's not nearly as interesting.

Ahh yes. If there's one thing you can cling to in old age, it's the fond mammeries.

...err...fond memories...of mammeries.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

When your wife tells you to switch roles in the bed, don't tell her you have a terrible headache.

Tell her to pass the TV remote and make it fast... and the ceiling needs painting.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I don't even know what the rest of your post says lololll

I was just telling my wife about my error. She responded by saying "I can sure name a boob who changed my life!"



I don't think I like her tone.

 

[HeLiXe]

lloollol

 

[FlexGunship]

I've been holding this back... it might be in poor taste, but here goes... please no infractions.

Did you guys hear about the Exorcist movie? Yeah, they're going in a different direction with this one. This time a woman calls the devil to remove a priest from inside her son.

 

[jtbell]

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss bowling league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 

[HeLiXe]

reminds me of myself

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

reminds me of myself

thumbs up!




----------

*employee #1 tied to missile*
Angry Boss: You're fired!
*presses launch button*
*turns to employee #2*
Angry Boss: You're fired! *torches him with a flamethrower*
*turns to #3*
Employee #3: Uuh, umm... eheh... I quit. *runs away as fast as he can*
Angry Boss: Hmm? I don't know what scared him so much. And I was going to to give him a promotion, too.

 

[HeLiXe]

Free heat in short intense bursts

 

[jtbell]

Ooh, Dogbert can do lame jokes, too:

http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2011-08-27/

 

[HeLiXe]

reminds me of the lorax

 

[ThomasT]

A man who is having gas problems explains to his doctor that
every time he farts it sounds like honda.
The doctor does an examination and finds nothing wrong with the man.
As a last resort he looks into the patient's mouth and finally spots the
problem. "I'm sorry, you'll have to go to a dentist for your problem."
So the man goes to see his dentist. After a quick exam, the dentist
announces that the man has an abscess. "No problem, I'll
have you fit and without your embarrassing problem in a jiffy," says
the dentist.
Sure enough, the man's problem disappears and he no longer makes
farts that sound like a honda. The next week the man calls up the
dentist and thanks him for all he's done for him. But before he hangs up
he asks the dentist how he knew the problem was caused by an abscess.
The dentist replies, "It's easy. Everyone knows that an abscess
makes the fart go honda.

 

[Lancelot59]

A man who is having gas problems explains to his doctor that
every time he farts it sounds like honda.
The doctor does an examination and finds nothing wrong with the man.
As a last resort he looks into the patient's mouth and finally spots the
problem. "I'm sorry, you'll have to go to a dentist for your problem."
So the man goes to see his dentist. After a quick exam, the dentist
announces that the man has an abscess. "No problem, I'll
have you fit and without your embarrassing problem in a jiffy," says
the dentist.
Sure enough, the man's problem disappears and he no longer makes
farts that sound like a honda. The next week the man calls up the
dentist and thanks him for all he's done for him. But before he hangs up
he asks the dentist how he knew the problem was caused by an abscess.
The dentist replies, "It's easy. Everyone knows that an abscess
makes the fart go honda.

I don't get it.

 

[HeLiXe]

thumbs up!




----------

*employee #1 tied to missile*
Angry Boss: You're fired!
*presses launch button*
*turns to employee #2*
Angry Boss: You're fired! *torches him with a flamethrower*
*turns to #3*
Employee #3: Uuh, umm... eheh... I quit. *runs away as fast as he can*
Angry Boss: Hmm? I don't know what scared him so much. And I was going to to give him a promotion, too.

lolololz maybe a promotion to the moon or something

 

[genepool]

I don't get it.

I didn't either at first.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Bit of a stretch.

 

[lisab]

I didn't either at first.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Bit of a stretch.

well, it is in the Lame Jokes thread!

 

[Lancelot59]

I didn't either at first.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Bit of a stretch.

Maybe if you stretch it past the breaking point...but okay.

 

[ThomasT]

well, it is in the Lame Jokes thread!

Exactly. There are far to many clever and funny jokes in this thread imo.