Collection of Lame Jokes

[DevilsAvocado]

Hey you stole my post! Thief!

Pleæase dön’t bä aængry – äll Shcöæandinäääviæns äre cøømmuönists – WÆE SHAÆRE! :!):!):!)


()

 

[DevilsAvocado]

HA!

looking good

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

My Plan To Become The Greatest PF Member (And Take Over The World, Defend FTL, Etc.)

1. Discover a method of traveling to the future: extended life span, relativistic rocket, etc.
2. Utilize method(s) to reach a time where we have achieved backwards time travel.
3. Go back to 2011 and take the advanced tech and physics with me.
4. Build up an impenetrable castle made of scrith bricks, black hole strength force fields, unilaser impactors (I don't know why its called that), unlimited energy power plant, etc.
5. As my empire expands, the nations of Earth surrender to my control.
6. Now as the benevolent dictator of Earth I institute massive vactrain maglev projects, fusion plants, and solve global warming (if it is real) once and for all by building the world's largest ice cube.
7. Establish a law stating I am the greatest PF member.
8. All the PFers I like have the choice to work in my one-world government.
9. All the PFers I don't like, well maybe they'll start being nice to me.
10. The PFers in the middle get prepaid upgraded accounts and prepaid SciAm subscriptions.
11. In the new Earth Constitution, write an article protecting FTL. (I'm looking at YOU, OA!)
11b. Make a law saying Firefly TOTALLY STINKS.
12. Make peaceful contact with aliens.
13. Upscale the Earth Empire in an intergalactic union.
14. Any aliens that try to invade Earth or any of my worlds get shot with my lightyear long energy pistol (its not heavy at all).
15. After reigning for many years, I hand over control to one lucky PF member (better start being real nice to me if you want this position!)
16. I travel to the future and gather up the doubly advanced technology.
17. I travel to 2011. Repeat the whole process.

On a side note I could go back in time and stop Firefly and OA from ever coming into existence. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

 

[nismaratwork]

My Plan To Become The Greatest PF Member (And Take Over The World, Defend FTL, Etc.)

1. Discover a method of traveling to the future: extended life span, relativistic rocket, etc.

We're doing it now, but it's not extendig out lifespan.

2. Utilize method(s) to reach a time where we have achieved backwards time travel.
3. Go back to 2011 and take the advanced tech and physics with me.

Hmmm, I'm not sure I like where this is going...

4. Build up an impenetrable castle made of scrith bricks, black hole strength force fields, unilaser impactors (I don't know why its called that), unlimited energy power plant, etc.

Yep... not good.

5. As my empire expands, the nations of Earth surrender to my control.

With that firepower?... Can I volunteer to surrender first?

6. Now as the benevolent dictator of Earth I institute massive vactrain maglev projects, fusion plants, and solve global warming (if it is real) once and for all by building the world's largest ice cube.

Wait a second... that last bit is Futurama!

7. Establish a law stating I am the greatest PF member.

To maintain your technocracy, you wouldn't be able to allow a PF.

8. All the PFers I like have the choice to work in my one-world government.
9. All the PFers I don't like, well maybe they'll start being nice to me.

You have lasers, mass drivers, and fusion. You bet your butt we'll be nice!

10. The PFers in the middle get prepaid upgraded accounts and prepaid SciAm subscriptions.
11. In the new Earth Constitution, write an article protecting FTL. (I'm looking at YOU, OA!)

I want a phaser!

11b. Make a law saying Firefly TOTALLY STINKS.

Oh... so you want to start a revolt?!

12. Make peaceful contact with aliens.

Hey, when they probed my rectum, it was very peaceful contact.

13. Upscale the Earth Empire in an intergalactic union.
14. Any aliens that try to invade Earth or any of my worlds get shot with my lightyear long energy pistol (its not heavy at all).

You want a gun that fires over a period of a year? heh.

15. After reigning for many years, I hand over control to one lucky PF member (better start being real nice to me if you want this position!)
16. I travel to the future and gather up the doubly advanced technology.
17. I travel to 2011. Repeat the whole process.

At least you're not overly ambitious.

On a side note I could go back in time and stop Firefly and OA from ever coming into existence. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

Grrrrrrr... OR... you could order the networks to make more Firefly!

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

We're doing it now, but it's not extendig out lifespan.

I just have to be patient... and get a lot of funding.
Alternatively I can slap together some pieces of quartz. Funny thing is, it never seems to work. It worked in the book, didn't it?

Hmmm, I'm not sure I like where this is going...

Why not? Wouldn't you like to have the technology to produce massive quantities of Root Beer for less than a picopenny?

Can I volunteer to surrender first?

That was the point. I probably should have stated it better. The nations join me because they realize that everything will be better that way, 'cause of the supertech and all.
And I can bribe the citizens by giving out lottery numbers, who will then sway the governments to come under my rule. Violence isn't absolutely required.

Wait a second... that last bit is Futurama!

Really? I didn't know that.

To maintain your technocracy, you wouldn't be able to allow a PF.

Much of my tech will be secret. If people start figuring out some of the tech (ie. fusion power), I'll just pull out something more powerful to remain ahead of them.

You have lasers, mass drivers, and fusion. You bet your butt we'll be nice!

Thank you.

And I'll hire someone to fix that bug that prevents me from using lots of emoticons in a row:

I want a phaser!

Ok. Just don't violate any human/sentient/lifeform rights.
I also have holodecks if you're interested.

Oh... so you want to start a revolt?!

Why not? I'll have plenty of popcorn.

...it was very peaceful contact.

...

You want a gun that fires over a period of a year? heh.

A gun that is 9,460,730,472,580.8 km long.
It can fire at a rate of about 10⁵⁰ times a second.
Its firepower can be set anywhere from Stun to BlowUpAPlanet.
It also utilizes superluminal physics.
And it can retract to 1 mm by shrink fields similar to the Alcubierre drive.
Extending it out to its maximum length is an easy way to fire at point blank range.

At least you're not overly ambitious.

You haven't seen my second Intergalactic Domination yet.

Grrrrrrr... OR... you could order the networks to make more Firefly!

Eh? Why?
Saying "humans haven't achieved FTL yet" is fine, but saying "FTL doesn't exist" is blasphemy. Hey, FTL's in my name.
I'm not sure which is the greater threat: Orion's Arm or Firefly. And to think that Firefly orbits over my head every few minutes...

Anyway, they'll be too busy adapting my novels for film and TV.
I think I'll play the part of Captain Cyprus myself. (one of the secondary characters)

 

[nismaratwork]

"Stun" to Planet-killer...

OK... I like that a lot. Now, OA can just suffer and die, but Firely... they had FTL... didn't they?

Anyway, FTL is the true blasphemy, but then, nothing is in fiction which is at least half of the fun.

 

[gatztopher]

Punchlines needed.

Q: Did you hear about the communist landlord?
A1: All the windows have iron curtains.
A2: Every room has a picture of him in it.
A3: ? (need help coming up with better punchlines)

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Punchlines needed.

Q: Did you hear about the communist landlord?
A1: All the windows have iron curtains.
A2: Every room has a picture of him in it.
A3: ? (need help coming up with better punchlines)

Communist landlord? What will they think of next?

 

[arildno]

A: He paid all the rents himself.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Communist landlords of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your door chains.

 

[AlephZero]

This year's communist rent has been reset to the national average for the year.
That means it is higher than last year's, but lower than next year's.

Igor complains to his landlord that his gas cooker isn't working. The landlord says. "No problem, Igor, I've booked the gas engineer to fix it. He will be here in exactly 10 years from today, first thing in the morning."

A few years later, Igor goes to buy a new car. The salesman says, "No problem, Igor, I've put your order on the waiting list. In exactly 5 years from today, you can come and collect your car first thing in the morning".

Igor says, "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to do that. The gas man is coming that morning to fix the cooker."

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Pleæase dön’t bä aængry – äll Shcöæandinäääviæns äre cøømmuönists – WÆE SHAÆRE! :!):!):!)


()

Iom nöt cøømmuönist.
Ahnd I döönt shaære. Miyne, miyne, miyne!

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I used to think that "essay" was actually S.A.
When I asked someone what it stood for, the person wouldn't answer.

For a long time I thought Uranus was pronounced you-rain-ee-us to ryhme with Uranium.

 

[lisab]

I used to think that "essay" was actually S.A.
When I asked someone what it stood for, the person wouldn't answer.

For a long time I thought Uranus was pronounced you-rain-ee-us to ryhme with Uranium.

I like that...you-rain-ee-us sounds cool! Uranus...not so much.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I like that...you-rain-ee-us sounds cool! Uranus...not so much.

The year 2022: The IAU has voted to change the name of the seventh planet to Uranius, and has altered its pronunciation accordingly.

 

[lisab]

The year 2022: The IAU has voted to change the name of the seventh planet to Uranius, and has altered its pronunciation accordingly.

Yay !

 

[DevilsAvocado]

The year 2222: They have defrosted Prince and he got a bluish face, so they rename it to purple-you-rain-ee-us.

(omg that is lame! )

 

[lisab]

The year 2222: They have defrosted Prince and he got a bluish face, so they rename it to purple-you-rain-ee-us.

(omg that is lame! )

yes it is hahahah...

 

[DevilsAvocado]

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Iom nöt cøømmuönist.
Ahnd I döönt shaære. Miyne, miyne, miyne!

Ökäy, I givæ it bääck:

"Øüwch."

(blöödy tightwädd )

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Alert: Avocadovorians have been roaming the area recently. All Avocados are strongly advised to remain indoors or in safe locations.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Alert: Avocadovorians have been roaming the area recently. All Avocados are strongly advised to remain indoors or in safe locations.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Alert: Avocadovorians have been roaming the area recently. All Avocados are strongly advised to remain indoors or in safe locations.

Just remembered something: I'm not an Avocado so I don't have to worry about it.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

SELF-REPLENSIHING PEPSI!

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

The Gingerbread Warrior: Greater than a Ninja

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Physics Forums likes me.
Every time I login, it says "Thank you for logging in, FtlIsAwesome."

 

[Isaacsname]

What letter of the alphabet is most like a pirate ?

It's not an R.

It's a P,..because it's like an R ,... but it's missing a leg.

--

What do you call a dog with no legs ?

It doesn't matter, it still won't come to you.

 

[ThomasT]

What letter of the alphabet is most like a pirate ?

It's not an R.

It's a P,..because it's like an R ,... but it's missing a leg.

--

What do you call a dog with no legs ?

It doesn't matter, it still won't come to you.

Yes, these are really lame, and therefore acceptable additions to the thread.

 

[ThomasT]

Physics Forums likes me.
Every time I login, it says "Thank you for logging in, FtlIsAwesome."

You've definitely been on a roll!

 

[ThomasT]

The year 2222: They have defrosted Prince and he got a bluish face, so they rename it to purple-you-rain-ee-us.

(omg that is lame! )

Wonderfully lame DA. Thumbs up!