Collection of Lame Jokes

[claire-maree]

I came across this earlier today:

[PLAIN]http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/demotivational-posters-seems-legit7.jpg[/QUOTE]

that is crazy

 

[claire-maree]

why do gorillias have big nostrils?

because they have big fingers.

 

[IMP]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a great personality."

 

[IMP]

A woman, three months pregnant, falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakens and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh no, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

 

[Adyssa]

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?"

With his last breath Pepe calls out:
"Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

My mother called me last week and was saying that with dad gone now, she needs a new purpose. With the understanding that this sort of smart*** response strikes at the core of her sense of humor, I sent her this. She loved it.

[PLAIN]http://blackberryavenuegiftshoppe.com/38996.jpg

 

[DaveC426913]

OK...

Two years ago, my hallowe'en costume consisted of a business suit - not one I wore, but one I carried on a hanger. The pants had the "legs" split and then re-sewn together into a single fat "fuselage". The jacket had a vertical slit in the back with a large hole between the shoulder blades.

When anyone asked me about my costume, I would look at it, shrug and say...

"I know it's not much. But it suits my porpoise."

 

[OmCheeto]

With the understanding that this sort of smart*** response strikes at the core of her sense of humor, I sent her this. She loved it.

Ditto the time I asked a friend what she wanted for Christmas, and told me she wanted "World Peace".

Oooookkkkkayyyyyy...

 

[gatztopher]

<deadpan>Get ready, we're about to arrive at the Ha family reunion.</deadpan>

Did you hear about Porky Pig's Spanish, philosophical cousin, Porque?

I was at the department store, thinking about shoplifting a sweater. My logic was why swipe the card again, when I could swipe the cardigan.

I'm so good at martial arts, I can punch with my foot. *kicks*

 

[McLaren Rulez]

Who's in for a game of rape?

No? That's the spirit!

 

[DaveC426913]

Who's in for a game of rape?

No? That's the spirit!

This is funny how?

 

[Isaacsname]

What's the worst thing a sadist can do to a masochist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...

 

[DaveC426913]

What's the worst thing a sadist can do to a masochist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...

Uhh. Corrected:


What's the worst thing a masochist can do to a sadist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...

 

[Isaacsname]

Uhh. Corrected:


What's the worst thing a masochist can do to a sadist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...

Yes, but the masochist derives pleasure from thinking about the sadist getting off.

...wait...

Ok, forget it.

Did you hear about the leper who was playing poker ?

He threw his hand in.

 

[IMP]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

 

[Isaacsname]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

I guess shortening my fingers won't help ?

 

[Char. Limit]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

...my god, that big huh?

*has huge thumbs*

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Which joint of the thumb do you use as a reference?

 

[WhoWee]

Which joint of the thumb do you use as a reference?

My thumb's been numb for about a week - NOW - I'm worried about it.

 

[Char. Limit]

Which joint of the thumb do you use as a reference?

I was going all the way from nail-tip to the second joint. Which I checked, and it's accurate... well, kinda. A little on the small side.

 

[IMP]

I was going all the way from nail-tip to the second joint. Which I checked, and it's accurate... well, kinda. A little on the small side.

Good idea, think I am going to grow out my thumb nail. Will measure in a month or two...

 

[Ken Natton]

I must give all due credit here to Eddie Izzard from whom this gem is stolen. I trust that this is sufficiently obscure a location to repeat it not to undermine his opportunity to continue to use it in his live show.


It is clear that Jesus was actually God’s seventh son….

1. A-sus
2. B-sus
3. C-sus
4. D-sus
5. E-sus
6. F-sus
7. G-sus

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Consult a physician for thumbs-ups lasting more than 4 hours...

 

[Jayshardzz]

im new... hope u guys lik tis

What the difference between a fly and a mosquito?


A: mosquito cn fly but fly cannt mosquito...

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

The meanings of film ratings.

G - The hero gets the girl.
R - The bad guy gets the girl.
X - Everybody gets the girl.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The meanings of film ratings.

G - The hero gets the girl.
R - The bad guy gets the girl.
X - Everybody gets the girl.

XX - The girl gets the girl

 

[IMP]

Rupert Murdoch was quoted today as saying he is deeply touched by all the messages of support left on Amy Winehouse's phone.

 

[Isaacsname]

What did the spider say to the fly ?

" Omnomnomnom "

What did the fly say to the spider ?

" Holy sh*t ! A talking spider !"

 

[khemist]

Why did the white bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

 

[Lancelot59]

Why did the white bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

HA! That's both terrible and great at the same time.

 

[danyo]

So I told some physicists a Chemistry joke, but there was no reaction.

Now now, I'd tell more chemistry jokes, but the good ones are "Argon" =(

 

[genepool]

A chemist,an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their achievements together.
The chemist says "I crossed graphite and silicone and produced a revolutionary lubricant, made millions in sales"
The engineer says "I crossed titanium and aluminium to form an incredible lightweight material, made millions in patents"
The lawyer says "I crossed the street riding a bike and fell in a manhole, made millions suing the city"

 

[WhoWee]

A chemist,an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their achievements together.
The chemist says "I crossed graphite and silicone and produced a revolutionary lubricant, made millions in sales"
The engineer says "I crossed titanium and aluminium to form an incredible lightweight material, made millions in patents"
The lawyer says "I crossed the street riding a bike and fell in a manhole, made millions suing the city"

...and the Congressman standing nearby chimed in
"I promise the voters anything they want - and my pay and benefits are worth millions too".

 

[enigma]

What is it called when you have second thoughts about booking a trip to a Native American village?

Spoiler

A reservation reservation reservation

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A heart transplant patient was waiting for a donor heart. The doctor walks in one day and announces that they've found a heart! In fact two donor hearts had come available at the same time. The doctor explained that one was from an 19 year old athlete, and the other was from a 50 year old lawyer. Without hesistation, the patient declares that he wants the one from the lawyer. "Why?" asked the doctor. The lawyer was thirty years older than the athlete. And the athlete was in excellent shape". "Sure" said the patient, "but the heart from a lawyer is clearly the best choice - it has never been used".

 

[Isaacsname]

A chemist,an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their achievements together.
The chemist says "I crossed graphite and silicone and produced a revolutionary lubricant, made millions in sales"
The engineer says "I crossed titanium and aluminium to form an incredible lightweight material, made millions in patents"
The lawyer says "I crossed the street riding a bike and fell in a manhole, made millions suing the city"

Fitting that the suer falls into the sewer.

 

[qspeechc]

If you want lame...

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

So Arnold Schwartzenneger (who really knows how to spell it anyway) is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?

Arnold: Nein!

D: Beethoven?

A: Nein!

D: Tchaikovsky?

A: Nein!

D: Then who would you like to play?

A: I'll be Bach!

(Ahem)

 

[Char. Limit]

If you want lame...

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

So Arnold Schwartzenneger (who really knows how to spell it anyway) is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?

Arnold: Nein!

D: Beethoven?

A: Nein!

D: Tchaikovsky?

A: Nein!

D: Then who would you like to play?

A: I'll be Bach!

(Ahem)

Schwarzenegger. It's easy if you know German.

 

[jtbell]

Did you know that a certain cosmetics firm once used traces of rare-earth elements in their perfumes? One of their advertising slogans was "Promethium anything, but give her Arpége."

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Growing older is weird. I told my wife I have never been bald before and she showed me a few new wrinkles.

 

[Isaacsname]

If you want lame...

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

So Arnold Schwartzenneger (who really knows how to spell it anyway) is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?

Arnold: Nein!

D: Beethoven?

A: Nein!

D: Tchaikovsky?

A: Nein!

D: Then who would you like to play?

A: I'll be Bach!

(Ahem)

Amadeus, don't tread on me.

(Ahem, get it ? )

 

[Isaacsname]

Amadeus, don't tread on me.

(Ahem, get it ? )

" I'm a dais, don't tread on me "

Ok...what do you call a fish with no eyes ?

...fssshhh

 

[Lancelot59]

" I'm a dais, don't tread on me "

Ok...what do you call a fish with no eyes ?

...fssshhh

HA! I get it...

 

[DaveC426913]

" I'm a dais, don't tread on me "

What's a dais?

[EDIT] Huh. I always assumed it was spelled dias, since that's the way I pronounce it.

Anyway, OK, that's lame.

 

[IMP]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.


The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.


The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.


Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.


As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.


Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?"


"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"




The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

That reminds me of this quote:

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

 

[FlexGunship]

Okay, all... this is a JOKE; a Jackie Martling original. That's my disclaimer. Done.

This guy walks into a pub and sees a turtle on the bar. The turtle looks old, beaten, and is covered in bandages; just completely wrapped up. The guy walks over to the bar and asks the bartender: "What's with the turtle?"

The bartender replies: "Well, that's the fastest turtle in the world, right there. If you've got a dog, bring him in, I'll bet you $100 my turtle can cross the room faster than your dog."

Well, the guy thinks $100 is a lot of money, but there's no way a turtle is faster than his dog and, worst case, he sees a freakishly fast turtle. He leaves the bar and brings his dog back and they set up for the race.

The bartender holds his turtle in front of him with two hands and the guy holds his dog back by the collar with two hands. The bartender says: "3... 2... 1... GO!"

And on "GO", the man releases his dog, and the bartender punts the turtle across the room.​

 

[Isaacsname]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
...ws gng t fnsh ths pm bt smbdy stl th vwls frm m kbrd...fck

 

[Lancelot59]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
...ws gng t fnsh ths pm bt smbdy stl th vwls frm m kbrd...fck

On that subject:
[PLAIN]http://chzragecomics.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/rage-comics-not-even-a-kiss.jpg

 

[gravenewworld]