Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

Tiled floors are are not always an advantage, even if you are a bishop.
View attachment 353996

Wouldn't that be more likely in Canterbury Cathedral than the Vatican?

 

[jack action]

 

[nuuskur]

 

[WWGD]

At the coffee shop:
" Is your orange juice fresh?"
" Yes, sir, we just opened the carton".

 

[gmax137]

I asked the waiter once, "is the haddock fresh?" She said, "oh yes! We just thawed it out today."

 

[DaveC426913]

Husband and wife enter a diner and order hamburgers and fries.
They are delivered by Maude - a large 70-year old with an ample bosom, cigarette-breath and a mole on her nose.
Wife discovers the patties are stone cold.
"Murray These patties are stone cold! What are you going to do about it?"
So Murray calls the waitress over.
"Waitress! These hamburger patties are stone cold! What are you going to do about it?"
Maude frowns, sticks a finger in the burger patties, then picks them both up, lifts up her blouse and slips the patties under her armpits. She hums for a few moments while husband and wife look on in horror. Finally, she takes them out, says "Should be warm enough now", slaps them back on the buns, and walks away.
Wife says "Murray! Did you see what she did?? That's outrageous! What are you going do about it??"

and Murray says "Well I'm sure not going to order the hot dog."

 

[Ibix]

I asked the waiter once, "is the haddock fresh?" She said, "oh yes! We just thawed it out today."

Waiter, waiter! This coffee tastes like dirt!

Yes sir, it was ground this morning.

 

[mjc123]

" Is your orange juice fresh?"
" Yes, sir, we just opened the carton".

Literally a line from Fawlty Towers. (But probably not the first or last time it's been said.)

 

[WWGD]

Literally a line from Fawlty Towers. (But probably not the first or last time it's been said.)

It actually happened when I went out to a coffee shop/cafe. I remembered it for some reason.

 

[mjc123]

I'm sure you would. It seems that "fresh" is one of those words that undergoes semantic slippage, drifting ever further from its original meaning. Like "live":
- Being present and witnessing an event as it happens.
- Watching it on TV in real time.
- Watching (years later) a recording made at the time.
Etc.

 

[jack action]

 

[DennisN]

 

[berkeman]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 354073

That one took a moment.

 

[berkeman]

Yeah, for me as well.

 

[Borg]

He does seem pretty down in one subject.

 

[phinds]

He does seem pretty down in one subject.

Yeah

Spoiler

Santa said he'd go down in history

 

[Ibix]

Overhead a conversation on the train. A guy used his step counter app to record the distance he walked in a week and divided by the volume of beer he'd drunk in the same period to get a miles-per-gallon figure for himself. Apparently it was nothing to write home about (which I could have guessed...).

 

[WWGD]

Since he's ignorant of history, he's doomed to repeat it.

 

[DennisN]

Remember folks, it's never too late!

 

[WWGD]

I asked the waiter once, "is the haddock fresh?" She said, "oh yes! We just thawed it out today."

Some, living in landlocked states, will absurdly ask this question about seabound fish. In, e.g., Topeka: Is this fish fresh? Yes, I just sprinted 1500 miles to the Atlantic( pacific) and back the last 15 minutes.

Though the question may make sense in the UK, where no one lives more than, maybe 30 minutes from the coast.

 

[jack action]

Remember folks, it's never too late!

View attachment 354075

Actually, it is.

 

[mjc123]

Though the question may make sense in the UK, where no one lives more than, maybe 30 minutes from the coast.

Make that 30 hours on a Bank Holiday.

 

[WWGD]

 

[Borg]

I've heard that somewhere before.

 

[jtbell]

What is a Georgia turkey's favorite dessert?

Pesch gobbler.

 

[jack action]

View attachment 354097

We'll all get you addicted to the one thing we control: maple syrup.

 

[WWGD]

Have this one too, Borg?

 

[WWGD]

We'll all get you addicted to the one thing we control: maple syrup.

You had me at Tim Horton's. It's about how Canadians apologize constantly. Just like thr Brits.

 

[phinds]

 

[DrGreg]

Just like the Brits.

Sorry about that.

 

[WWGD]

 

[Tom.G]

And their favorite past-time (profession?) seems to be politics!

 

[phinds]

 

[BillTre]

View attachment 354125

It was being held at Snoop Dogg's.

 

[Arjan82]

View attachment 354106

I see an Idiocracy plot here...

 

[jack action]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[nuuskur]

View attachment 354097

I'll be sawrry, eh?

 

[davenn]

Though the question may make sense in the UK, where no one lives more than, maybe 30 minutes from the coast.

a bit longer than that

 

[WWGD]

a bit longer than that

Fair enough. Or, say, with a DeLorean. ;).

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

Found a horse outside. We gave him a stable home.

 

[phinds]

 

[jrmichler]

At my age, "If you show me yours, I'll show you mine" refers to photos of grandchildren.

 

[Orodruin]

 

[jbriggs444]

[Orion]

Excellent. I earned two cries of outrage from my son for that one.

 

[DrGreg]

View attachment 353968
Today, the interior of the restored Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris was revealed.

The floor tiles are oriented that way to make it easier for the archbishop to move around.

Just released today, a remake of the classic film, The Trump back in Notre-Dame.

 

[WWGD]

Just released today, a remake of the classic film, The Trump back in Notre-Dame.

It was Mr Ed, though, able to communicate with humans, who was the stable genius.

 

[dwarde]