Collection of Lame Jokes

[phinds]

 

[jack action]

Hi Guys, I have a serious problem I need help with...

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she "goes out with the girls" a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night at about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

 

[Ibix]

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

Weld, I gather.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[artis]

Oppenheimer truly is a blockbuster... in the true sense of the word.I rate Oppenheimer at 9.5 (Megatons) , mind you, that is far higher than what even they had hoped...

Bravo, Bravo, what a blast! Almost felt like a "blast from the past"...

 

[phinds]

Oppenheimer truly is a blockbuster... in the true sense of the word.I rate Oppenheimer at 9.5 (Megatons) , mind you, that is far higher than what even they had hoped...

Bravo, Bravo, what a blast!

And this is a joke? Why?

 

[artis]

 

[artis]

And this is a joke? Why?

I'm sorry you didn't like it, but it's better than what chatGPT gave me. Tried to improvise.

 

[nuuskur]

word play

 

[fresh_42]

Weather man speaks accidentally 20 minutes in a terrier!

 

[artis]

word play

Yes, well that's the fun with English language, many words with more than one meaning, not that these jokes have the highest value or level but one can crack a smile anyway

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Hi Guys, I have a serious problem I need help with...

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she "goes out with the girls" a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night at about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

Same thing happened to me. I finally confronted her and asked where she has been going. She pulled two handfuls of quarters our of her jacket and said that in order to help with the bills, she's been working as a escort. Furious, I asked who the hell gave her quarters?!?! She said, "They all did".

 

[topsquark]

My new favorite insult to give to someone who just walks up to you and starts pestering you:
"I assume you know me from somewhere. Did I ruin your sister's reputation? If so, I'm afraid she was quite forgettable."

-Dan

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

And this is a joke? Why?

Manhattan Project?

 

[WWGD]

Weird how buildings have a sign saying " In case of fire, use stairs, not the elevator". Including in the lower floor. Has someone chosen to go up the elevator upon hearing of a fire taking place?

 

[BillTre]

Has someone chosen to go up the elevator upon hearing of a fire taking place?

Maybe if their at the fifth sub-basement.

 

[Ibix]

Weird how buildings have a sign saying " In case of fire, use stairs, not the elevator".

Yeah, I mean, what's the point of having an elevator if you can't use it in case there might be a fire?

 

[WWGD]

Yeah, I mean, what's the point of having an elevator if you can't use it in case there might be a fire?

No, the sign was at the lowest floor. If you used an elevator it could only be in order to go upstairs. But why would you go upstairs if there's a fire?

 

[DrGreg]

But why would you go upstairs if there's a fire?

To rescue a member of your own family?

 

[Borg]

To get a better view?

 

[topsquark]

To get a better view?

I once went to the top of a building because I had heard there was a tornado in the area...

I had lived in Indiana for less than a year. The locals thought I was nuts. (They were probably right!)

-Dan

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

To rescue a member of your own family?

You see it in office buildings, I don't think it's likely your relatives are around. Buy, good point, I hadn't considered the perspective.

 

[Borg]

I once went to the top of a building because I had heard there was a tornado in the area...

I had lived in Indiana for less than a year. The locals thought I was nuts. (They were probably right!)

-Dan

Years ago when I smoked, I went downstairs to go outside my building for a smoke. When I got to the ground floor, there was a bunch of people crowded along the large windows in the lobby staring at the building next door. When I asked what was going on, I was told that there was an active shooting going on there and that he might be on the roof. I looked at the building with its perfect view of our target-rich environment and went back upstairs - those people were nuts.

 

[jack action]

As a mortician, I always tie the shoelaces together of the dead. Cause if there is ever a zombie apocalypse, it will be hilarious.

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

But why would you go upstairs if there's a fire?

Why would you use it at all if the sign says you can't use it in case there might be a fire? It's like disabled toilets. What's the point in having them if they're always disabled?

 

[fresh_42]

But why would you go upstairs if there's a fire?

The sign is meant for all the people who only enter the elevator to listen to the magnificent elevator music.

 

[dextercioby]