Collection of Lame Jokes

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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless guy said.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting
in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with
you for doing that?
I said, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what
a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
 
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Physics news on Phys.org
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What's the worst thing about an ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
 
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Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?....................................... 'Cause the cow's got the udder.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?..........................Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

(these are my best ones, though, sorry)
 
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dextercioby said:
I guess American and British computers must have completely different kinds of chips inside.
 
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jtbell said:
I guess American and British computers must have completely different kinds of chips inside.
British computers have crisps inside.

Or is it "American computers have fries inside"?
 
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jtbell said:
I guess American and British computers must have completely different kinds of chips inside.
I keep mine in my shoulder chip or crisp. A giant one. Or so they tell me.
 
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I was once caught stealing an advent calendar.

I got 25 days.
 
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DrGreg said:
I was once caught stealing an advent calendar.

I got 25 days.
Judge: I sentence you to a $100 fine for breaking into parking meters.
Accused: Is it payable in quarters?
 
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Ibix said:
The same way you did in #17,751, at a guess...
Not anymore, I guess.
 
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