Collection of Lame Jokes

[Borg]

Plus, you get that cool background music.

 

[topsquark]

Even better: 02024-01-01.

We all remember the Y2K bug. I'm not getting caught with my pants down again.

Personally, I'm not planning to be around for that one.

-Dan

 

[BvU]

Personally, I'm not planning to be around for that one.

-Dan

There's another one lurking before then ...

$\$

 

[nuuskur]

 

[Halc]

I prefer 2024-01-01

In descending size of time units?

Intel solved this problem by using little-endian protocol (10-10-4202)

Being a Unix/Linux guy, I've always mourned the standardization of the Intel architecture over say 68xxx, but by golly, the Intel guys got the endian thing right. I've tracked down countless bugs due to big-endian confusion.

Of course it doesn't help with trying to sort dates stored in text format since text sorting protocol is big indian, a bug with the dictionary people if you ask me.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[WWGD]

Those ultra-aggressive Canadian protesters

 

[WWGD]

 

[DaveC426913]

Intel solved this problem by using little-endian protocol (10-10-4202)

Three decades* in the industry and I have never encountered this!

*^{03 years}

 

[WWGD]

Three decades* in the industry and I have never encountered this!

*^{03 years}

No? one, little two, little 3 little endians?

 

[jtbell]

I've tracked down countless bugs due to big-endian confusion.

View attachment 338029

I wonder if computer people in Cleveland talk about big-Guardian versus little-Guardian.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cleveland_Guardians

 

[phinds]

 

[WWGD]

I wonder if computer people in Cleveland talk about big-Guardian versus little-Guardian.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cleveland_Guardians

They only talk about it in selected British newspapers.

 

[WWGD]

I had a nearly perfect setup for a joke, but I froze. I actualli saw a rabbi and a nun walk together into a McDonald's. Not quite the rabbi and a priest, but pretty close. But I couldn't come up with anything clever. Sigh.

 

[fresh_42]

I had a nearly perfect setup for a joke, but I froze. I actualli saw a rabbi and a nun walk together into a McDonald's. Not quite the rabbi and a priest, but pretty close. But I couldn't come up with anything clever. Sigh.

I don't envy the rabbi. No bacon, no ice cream, and no milkshake, and most of all, he will never know how delicious Züricher Geschnetzeltes will be.

 

[DennisN]

1:

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"
"Yes, there was", answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.
"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"
"Yes, absolutely", answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.

2:

A Soviet newspaper reports: "Last night the Chernobyl Nuclear Power station fulfilled the Five Year Plan of heat energy generation... in 4 microseconds."
(A poke on common Soviet reports about speedy execution of five-year plans.)

3:

An Odesa Jew meets another one.
"Have you heard, Einstein has won the Nobel Prize?"
"Oy, what for?"
"He developed this relativity theory."
"Yeah, what's that?"
"Well, you know, five hairs on your head is relatively few. Five hairs in your soup is relatively many."

 

[fresh_42]

Reminds me of Radio Yerevan jokes.

"Is it right that the great hero of the Soviet Union Yuri Gagarin received a Mercedes as a reward?"

"In principle, yes! But it wasn't Yuri Gagarin, it was Pavel Odelnov and he didn't receive a Mercedes, it was a bicycle. Unfortunately, it wasn't given to him, it has been stolen."

 

[fresh_42]

Another one:

"Is it possible to be a good socialist and a good catholic?"

"In principle, yes. But why do you want to suffer twice?"

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[gmax137]

I don't think I read this one here, if so please ignore

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 rubles. A cow from Moscow costs 900 rubles, but a cow from Minsk, costs 700 rubles. So off to Minsk the town elders go. They return with a great cow.

The cow produces plenty of milk for the whole town, and everyone is happy and well nourished! They even sell the excess to the neighboring town.

The town loves the cow and want to breed her so her calves will nourish the village.

So off to market the village elders go again, and they bring back a prize bull to mate with the cow.

They put them together in a beautiful pasture and the bull approaches the cow, but the cow moves away, and is not interested. The bull tries again from a different angle but still the cow rebuffs him. For hours the bull tries to mount the cow at the top of the field, the bottom of the field and the middle of the field but to no avail.

The town elders do not know what to do, so they call a local rabbi to help them with their problem.

They explain their story to the rabbi, they tell him all the details and ask him what to do.

The rabbi thinks for a while, he strokes his beard. Then asks the elders a question.

“Your cow, is she from Minsk?”

The elders are amazed! “Amazing!! You are truly a wise Rabbi. How did you know she is from Minsk?!”

And the rabbi replies,

“ahhh, well my... wife, she is from Minsk also…”

 

[mjc123]

Scrooge is branching out into dissing other festivals...

 

[phinds]

Over the span of 11 years, 115 people die in weightlifting accidents at various gyms. In the same 11 years only 1 one, JUST ONE, died from eating donuts.

Make good choices, people !

 

[fresh_42]

Now I want to throw a sausage!

 

[gmax137]

He's going to need more bags.

 

[WWGD]

That's why extraterrestrials only talk with dogs, not humans. Since humans pick up dogs' feces, dogs are believed to be the bosses, leaders.

 

[berkeman]

Now I want to throw a sausage!

Squirrel!

 

[WWGD]

How about a squirrel saussage?

 

[berkeman]

A young man was considering asking his girlfriend to marry him. His grandfather and grandmother had been married for 70 years, so he asked his grandfather for advice.

His grandfather said that he had one very important piece of advice for a long marriage. "When we had been married for 5 years, we went horseback riding one weekend. As we were getting back from the ride and closer to the barn, the horse threw your grandma and she landed pretty hard. She got up and grabbed the horse by the bridal and said 'That's One'."

"She remounted and we kept riding toward the barn and the horse got skittish again and threw your grandma again. Grandma got up and grabbed the the horse by the bridal harder and said 'That's Two'."

"She remounted again and we got almost to the barn and the horse threw her again. Grandma got pretty upset, went to the truck and grabbed our shotgun and shot the horse."

"I said 'You just shot that horse!" Your grandma looked me in the eye and said 'That's One'."

"We've been happily married ever since."

 

[Orodruin]

A young man was considering asking his girlfriend to marry him. His grandfather and grandmother had been married for 70 years, so he asked his grandfather for advice.

His grandfather said that he had one very important piece of advice for a long marriage. "When we had been married for 5 years, we went horseback riding one weekend. As we were getting back from the ride and closer to the barn, the horse threw your grandma and she landed pretty hard. She got up and grabbed the horse by the bridal and said 'That's One'."

"She remounted and we kept riding toward the barn and the horse got skittish again and threw your grandma again. Grandma got up and grabbed the the horse by the bridal harder and said 'That's Two'."

"She remounted again and we got almost to the barn and the horse threw her again. Grandma got pretty upset, went to the truck and grabbed our shotgun and shot the horse."

"I said 'You just shot that horse!" Your grandma looked me in the eye and said 'That's One'."

We've been happily married ever since.

Reminds me of:

Couple calling to check on their teenage son from vacations:

Mom: How’s the cat? Have you been feeding it ok?
Son: Cat’s dead.
Dad: What? You can’t just blurt something like that out. How did it happpen?
S: Fell from a tree.
D: See, son, you have to soften it by taking it step by step. Like, cat’s climbed a tree … cat’s gone out on a branch … branch broke … cat fell … and you know … cat died.
S: Sure, whatever.
M: And how is dear granny?
S: She’s climbed a tree …