Collection of Lame Jokes

[Orodruin]

 

[Borg]

The astronaut should be fine if the alien was assigned the door plug seat.

 

[DennisN]

View attachment 350858

Ripley’s got her priorities straight​

 

[nuuskur]

 

[WWGD]

 

[DaveC426913]

View attachment 350876

Well, I dunno about the year 5050 but
In the year 5555
Your arms hangin' limp at your sides
Your legs got nothin' to do
Some machine's doin' that for you

 

[phinds]

If people concentrated more on what's important in life, there would be a shortage of reclining chairs.

 

[BillTre]

If people concentrated more on what's important in life, there would be a shortage of reclining chairs.

It is however important to recline at times.

 

[phinds]

Customer: "Excuse me, but are you looking to hire any help at present?"
Manager: "No, we already have all the staff we need."
Customer: "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"

 

[DennisN]

 

[jtbell]

How do you know economists have a sense of humor?

They use decimal points.

 

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

 

[dwarde]

 

[jtbell]

I passed this grocery store in Lexington SC yesterday.

(I grabbed this shot through the windshield while stopped at a traffic light, then used digital zoom i.e. cropping in Photoshop. Hence the poor image quality.)

 

[WWGD]

" Careful when driving in this part of the world":

 

[dextercioby]

 

[dwarde]

 

[jtbell]

 

[WWGD]

What kinds of pets are these

??

 

[berkeman]

LOL. I guess the Police didn't appreciate our doughnut trap prank...

 

[jtbell]

Why don't the animals in the jungle play poker?

Too many cheetahs.

 

[DaveC426913]

Vut da heckin is cheetahs doin in der jungle?

 

[jtbell]

Vut da heckin is cheetahs doin in der jungle?

They were lured there by a trail of Cheetos that someone put out for them.

 

[DennisN]

 

[phinds]

The Alabama (but could also be other Southern states) Vasectomy

Billy Bob and his wife had 6 kids and decided this was enough. His wife told Billy Bob that he should get a vasectomy, and he agreed.

The next day, Billy Bob walked down to the doctor in Crossville and asked about the procedure.

"Well" said the doctor, "it's a very simple procedure. Take an empty beer can, put an M-80 firecracker in it, light it and then hold the can and count to 10".

That can't be right, thought Billy Bob. So, he asked if he could seek a second opinion. The doctor told him that he should go to Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville and ask a doctor there. So he did.

He traveled on the bus and got to the doctor's office. When he was invited into the consultation room he asked the doctor about a vasectomy.

"Oh, it's very easy," said the doctor. "Take an empty beer can, put an M-80 firecracker in it, light it and then hold the can and count to 10".

Now with two doctors saying the same thing, Billy Bob thought this must be the correct way to do it. He went home and bought himself a case of beer. After 2 or 3 cans to get rid of the nerves, he went into the garden, placed an M-80 in an empty beer an and lit it. Then he started counting.

"One, two, three, four, five..."

Then he ran out of fingers on one hand. So he gripped the beer can between his thighs and started to count on the other hand.

 

[BillTre]

 

[Borg]

My wife provides a list as well.

 

[WWGD]

 

[nuuskur]