Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

My new dentist called me back to make another mould of my teeth.
Needless to say he made a terrible first impression!...

 

[davenn]

1. "OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both

2. !" OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

3. "OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

4. "OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

5. "OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

6. "OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

7. "OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.

8. "OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

9. "OLD" IS WHEN... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the restaurant that experimented with using robots to deliver food to their patrons' tables?

They had to stop doing it because their servers kept crashing.

 

[rootone]

Werner Heisenberg gets stopped by traffic cops.
They say: 'Sir, do you know what speed you were going?'
He replies: 'No, but I do know where I was at the time.'

 

[Ibix]

How do cows get to work?

On a cowmooter train.

 

[jtbell]

How do cows get to work?

On a cowmooter train.

Like this underground one in Austria:

Dorfbahn Serfaus

 

[fresh_42]

Q: And how do you decide whether a patient belongs into psychiatry?
A: We fill a bath tub with water, give him a spoon, a cup and a bucket and tell him to empty the tub.
Q: I understand. A normal guy would chose the bucket, because this is faster.
A: No, a normal guy would pull the plug. Do you wish a room with a balcony?

 

[Mark44]

Fixed it for ya...

Q: And how do you decide whether a patient belongs into psychiatry?
A: We fill a bath tube with water, give him a spoon, a cup and a bucket and tell him to empty the tube.
Q: I understand. A normal guy would chose the bucket, because this is faster.
A: No, a normal guy would pull the plug. Do you wish a room with a balcony?

 

[fresh_42]

Fixed it for ya...

Whatever was wrong, thanks!

 

[davenn]

Whatever was wrong, thanks!

bath tub, not tube

 

[fresh_42]

bath tub, not tube

Thanks. Laziness always comes to a cost: I thought for a moment whether I should look it up but decided not to.

 

[davenn]

so, so often ...

 

[davenn]

Went out today to buy some marker pens.

That was the highlight of my day.

 

[davenn]

A big shot Lawyer had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. No, I'm sorry," the n...urse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing...
After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a Daffodil."

 

[davenn]

I took my wife to a French restaurant. The waiter for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare please."
Jokingly, he said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started!..

 

[davenn]

I met my wife at a singles bar.
Funny thing is, I thought she was at home looking after the kids!...

 

[davenn]

last one for the day ...

There's a programme on tonight about echoes.

It's a repeat.maybe

 

[stoomart]

Why did the fish cross the road?

For the halibut.

 

[fresh_42]

Went out today to buy some marker pens.

That was the highlight of my day.

I remember a student who had written on his office door:
"The only positive in my life was the test!"
(... and he didn't refer to an exam.)

 

[jtbell]

Why did the fish cross the road?

For the halibut.

 

[fresh_42]

What an embarrassing performance it must have been as we gave up the oceans ...

 

[256bits]

Near the end, one at the top of the frame is making a valiant effort.

 

[Mark44]

(In reference to the video of a salmon crossing a road:)

What an embarrassing performance it must have been as we gave up the oceans ...

?
I don't know what you're saying. Assuming that you don't understand about the life cycle of anadromous fish, salmon hatch in freshwater streams, and most migrate out to the sea where they live for several years. Toward the end of their lives, they return to the exact stream where they hatched, to spawn a new generation of salmon, repeating the cycle.

In my first teaching job I was at a small high school on the Olympic Peninsula in Wash. state. The Olympic Peninsula is known for its prodigious rainfall, especially on the west and southwest sides, up to 175 inches per year. During one especially rainy period, I remember hearing one of the bus drivers remark that she way salmon swimming across the road she was driving along, just like what is shown in the video.

 

[Mark44]

Near the end, one at the top of the frame is making a valiant effort.

I saw one going the wrong way -- downstream. He must have not gotten the memo...

 

[Mark44]

A fish walks into a cafe. The waitress asks, "What'll you have?"

The fish replies, "Water!"

Garfield cartoon, 9/14/17

 

[fresh_42]

I don't know what you're saying. Assuming that you don't understand about the life cycle of anadromous fish ...

This was (funny?) remark about evolution, not about fish migrations.

 

[Mark44]

This was (funny?) remark about evolution, not about fish migrations.

The reference to evolution was too obscure for me to pick up...

 

[Ibix]

This was (funny?) remark about evolution, not about fish migrations.

Quoting the late great Sir PTerry from memory:

The sergeant gave the officer a look that had been handed down from NCO to NCO since one proto-amphibian had ordered another, lower ranking, proto-amphibian to muster a squad of newts and take that beach!

 

[DrGreg]

After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a Daffodil."

Here's the same joke in Carry On Nurse (1959), followed by a cross-reference in Carry On Doctor (1968).

 

[davenn]

Here's the same joke in Carry On Nurse (1959), followed by a cross-reference in Carry On Doctor (1968).

haha very good :)

 

[Charles Link]

This was (funny?) remark about evolution, not about fish migrations.

Hi @fresh_42 I just gave you a "like" to your response so I could say I gave you "like" # 3000. Congratulations! And no, this response really doesn't belong in the Lame joke section, but that was the easiest posting of yours to respond to. :) :) :)

 

[davenn]

Hahaha

 

[Ibix]

Hahaha

View attachment 211182

thank u please send me ur bank details and passwordz so i cn transfer the 19.95

 

[davenn]

thank u please send me ur bank details and passwordz so i cn transfer the 19.95

hahaha yup, when hell freezes over

 

[Ibix]

hahaha yup, when hell freezes over

Yeah, I don't think I've got the skills to make it as a con artist.

 

[davenn]

 

[Tom.G]

thank u please send me ur bank details and passwordz so i cn transfer the 19.95

hahaha yup, when hell freezes over

Pre-requisite met. Hand 'em over.

 

[davenn]

Pre-requisite met. Hand 'em over.

View attachment 211254

hahahaha

 

[ISamson]

Why did the electron cross the road?

Because it was being attracted by the ion.

 

[DrGreg]

Why did the electron cross the road?

Because it was being attracted by the ion.

Sorry, I don't get this. What's the connection between "road" and "ion"?

Nevertheless, I asked the ion if this story was true and she said "Yes".

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive."

 

[mfb]

... so the electron didn't reach it yet?

Don't trust the ion, especially not when it is neutral. Atoms make up everything.

 

[fresh_42]

By the way: Is there an Apple patent for switches?

Spoiler

i-on
i-off

 

[DrClaude]

Why did the electron cross the road? It didn't, it tunneled through

 

[ISamson]

Why is space-time curved?

Because it got curved.
Very lame, right?

 

[davenn]

 

[Borg]

View attachment 211304

I've always had trouble with statistics like that.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I've always had trouble with statistics like that.

Simple: one of the 3 was pregnant ...

 

[mfb]

It is one of the 107% of statistics that are made up.

 

[jtbell]

I wonder if this retail chain is going to rename itself Toys R Bust.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2017/09/19/toys-r-us-files-bankruptcy/678069001/

 

[mfb]

Bust R Us