Collection of Lame Jokes

  • Thread starter Thread starter quddusaliquddus
  • Start date Start date
  • Tags Tags
    Jokes
AI Thread Summary
The discussion revolves around sharing and enjoying "lame" jokes, with participants contributing various puns and one-liners. Jokes include classic setups like "A duck walks into a pharmacy..." and "Why did the chicken cross the road?" along with playful wordplay, such as "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick." The humor is characterized by its groan-inducing quality, with many jokes eliciting laughter despite their simplicity. Participants also engage in light banter about the nature of humor, with some jokes being deemed too funny to qualify as "lame." The thread highlights a shared enjoyment of corny humor and the camaraderie that comes from exchanging jokes, creating a lighthearted atmosphere.
  • #401
I get a kick out of some greeting cards. I recently gave one to a friend that has a closeup of an elephant's butt [tail down] as the front cover. Inside, the card reads: Nothing says Happy Birthday like a big-as* card!
 
Physics news on Phys.org
  • #402
IMP said:
An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

All Seniors Aren't Senile

Hmmm, that's not a joke. It's a dating tip!

I'm going to have to try that.
 
  • #403
Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick.

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, Darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Joe asks:

'Son... what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!...

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b!tch, I'm married!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirin s $..38

Saying the right thing, at the right time...priceless!
 
  • #405
Borg said:
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you''re an engineer--you're in the wrong place."

That St. Peter, he can't remember a damned thing!
 
  • #406
Ivan Seeking said:
That St. Peter, he can't remember a damned thing!

Or that something wasn't damned. :-p
 
  • #407
Borg said:
Or that something wasn't damned. :-p

There you go! He can't remember one undamned thing. :biggrin:
 
  • #408
Why do polar bears love igloos?

They're crunchy on the outside and chewy in the middle
 
  • #410
Artman said:
A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."

I know this is an old post, but lololz:smile:
 
  • #411
Ivan Seeking said:
Why do polar bears love igloos?
Good one, but nobody tells it as well as Gary Larson:

1_dfeebaa714abde62c3dfd28ef9300ba6.jpg
 
  • #412
Redbelly98 said:
Good one, but nobody tells it as well as Gary Larson:

1_dfeebaa714abde62c3dfd28ef9300ba6.jpg

That's where I got it. :biggrin:
 
  • #413
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
 
  • #414
loloolololol
 
  • #415
BREAKING NEWS:

That actress Reese, can't think of her last name, just stabbed herself. Man I didn't see that one coming at all.
 
  • #416
gravenewworld said:
BREAKING NEWS:

That actress Reese, can't think of her last name, just stabbed herself. Man I didn't see that one coming at all.

That reminds me how Chris Berman used to make up funny nicknames for the baseball players on ESPN. When Scott Leius was playing for the Twins, I just kept waiting for Bermans' "Scott 'Willyersister' Leius", but he just wouldn't go there.
 
  • #417
Engineer A rides up to Engineer B, on a bicycle. B asked A where he got the bike. "It was amasing", said A, "this beautiful woman rode up to me on this bicycle, jumped off, ripped off her clothes, and said to take whatever I want".

"Good choice", said B, "What would you do with women's clothing?"
 
  • #418
Russ started a thread in philosophy about parent-mandated birth control for young women. I don't remember where or when, exactly, but this reminded me of a friend from my childhood; I'd say my early teens:

His mother was always threatening to get a retroactive abortion.
 
  • #419
Ivan Seeking said:
Engineer A rides up to Engineer B, on a bicycle. B asked A where he got the bike. "It was amasing", said A, "this beautiful woman rode up to me on this bicycle, jumped off, ripped off her clothes, and said to take whatever I want".

"Good choice", said B, "What would you do with women's clothing?"

:smile::smile: oh man this is good stuff lolol
 
  • #420
A group of older gentlemen are playing cards. Carl is cleaning everyone's clock so badly that finally the other players demand to know what's going on. Carl starts laughing and explains that he's been taking a memory course and it has really helped his card game. "What is the name of the course", asked one player, "I'd like to take it".

Carl thinks for a moment and then asks, "Does anyone remember the rings that we got in high school?". "Do you mean the graduation ring?", asked one player. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about", said Carl. "Now, do you remember the stone used in the ring?". "That was a ruby", asserts another player. "Yes, that was it!", exclaimed Carl. Then he turns and yells into the kitchen where his wife is working:" Hey Ruby, what is the name of that memory course we are taking?".
 
  • #421
Oh yes, and this is another good one

A group of older gentlemen are playing cards. Carl is cleaning everyone's clock so badly that finally the other players demand to know what's going on. Carl starts laughing and explains that he's been taking a memory course and it has really helped his card game. "What is the name of the course", asked one player, "I'd like to take it".

Carl thinks for a moment and then asks, "Does anyone remember the rings that we got in high school?". "Do you mean the graduation ring?", asked one player. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about", said Carl. "Now, do you remember the stone used in the ring?". "That was a ruby", asserts another player. "Yes, that was it!", exclaimed Carl. Then he turns and yells into the kitchen where his wife is working:" Hey Ruby, what is the name of that memory course we are taking?".
 
  • #422
I liked it better the first time. :rolleyes:
 
  • #423
turbo-1 said:
I liked it better the first time. :rolleyes:

Still, obviously you are old enough to not only get, but also to appreciate the pun. :biggrin:
 
  • #424
lolz
 
  • #425
What did mother buffalo say to his son as she was leaving?

"Bye, son..."
 
  • #426
Hehe... [and, "welcome"]
 
  • #427
shintzel walkes into a bar, mounge says Y the long face, get it cause u got a long face
 
  • #428
They violate causality!

What's the strangest thing about tacheons?
 
  • #429
The trouble with Asian news is that you can watch the news, but a half-hour later you want to watch it again.
- The Daily Show
 
  • #430
Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean... On everything around you.
 
  • #431
^^Ya that is definitely a groaner!
 
  • #432
Someone called a travel agent and asked "How long does it take to get from New York to Tokyo?" The travel agent said "just a moment" and went to look it up. But the caller said thank you and hung up.
 
  • #433
lololol
 
  • #434
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your rearend with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean".

5. You think vests come in two styles -- bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
 
  • #435
Ivan Seeking said:
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF:

...

Bwah. Hahahaha! :smile:

I stole your list, and have started the new viral email.

Thank you, and give Tsu a smooch for me. :smile:
 
  • #436
Ivan Seeking said:
A group of older gentlemen are playing cards. Carl is cleaning everyone's clock so badly that finally the other players demand to know what's going on. Carl starts laughing and explains that he's been taking a memory course and it has really helped his card game. "What is the name of the course", asked one player, "I'd like to take it".

Carl thinks for a moment and then asks, "Does anyone remember the rings that we got in high school?". "Do you mean the graduation ring?", asked one player. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about", said Carl. "Now, do you remember the stone used in the ring?". "That was a ruby", asserts another player. "Yes, that was it!", exclaimed Carl. Then he turns and yells into the kitchen where his wife is working:" Hey Ruby, what is the name of that memory course we are taking?".

I don't get it... can someone explain
 
  • #437
Goofguy said:
I don't get it... can someone explain
His wife's name is "Ruby."
 
  • #438
And he had to use his memory technique in order to remember his wife's name. :biggrin:

I should have credited the Taliban jokes to Jeff Foxworthy; received via viral email.
 
  • #439
Ivan Seeking said:
Still, obviously you are old enough to not only get, but also to appreciate the pun. :biggrin:

I didn't get it.
 
  • #440
A guy walks into a doctors office, with a huge purple head.
The doctor asks him
-What happened to you?
the guy replied
-Oh I messed up doctor, i really messed up!
then the doctor asked him
-What happened tell me, how did you get this giant purple head.
So the guy tell him
-Well I was on this island and I found a lamp with a genie inside, and he said he would grant me 3 wishes.. but i messed up soo bad doc, man did I mess up..
The doctor was very confused and asked him I don't understand how you got the giant purple head...
So the guy began to explain
-Well you see doc, the genie said I had 3 wishes, so my first wish was to have a suit case full of money
The doctor had the confused look on this head
-I still don't understand how you got the giant purple head...
The guy kept telling his story.
-Well my second wish was to go back home to my family, but i messed up doc.. oh did I ever mess up!
Then the doctor said well what was your 3rd wish?
the guy told him
-thats where I messed up doc..., I wished for a giant purple head...
 
  • #441
Why is Superman's costume so tight?
Because his costume says S

Why is Batman's costume so tight?
Because Superman bought it for him

Why is Spiderman's costume so tight?
Because buy 2, free 1. (Superman gave Spiderman the extra.)

One day, Batman and Superman had a race. Superman won. How come?
Because when Batman begins, Superman returns.
 
  • #442
Do you want to hear a carpenter joke?

Well I'm still working on it.

When do cannibals leave the table?

When every ones eaten
 
  • #443
A guy walks into a bar, walks up to a woman and says "How do you like your eggs? Scrambled or fertilized?"
 
  • #444
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum chhhhh!
 
  • #445
ectrhoi said:
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum chhhhh!

:smile::smile: OMG that one got me!
 
  • #446
ectrhoi said:
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum chhhhh!
Ditto. That was pretty good.
 
  • #447
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
 
  • #448
:smile:
amazing how everyone knew what dog crap tastes like:-p
 
  • #449
HeLiXe said:
:smile:
amazing how everyone knew what dog crap tastes like:-p

I wonder if feces are a delicacy somewhere in the world...
 
  • #450
lololololol...STOP! I'm eating :-p
 

Similar threads

Programming Jokes: Lame, Science & Math Jokes!
9
Replies
431
Views
31K
Reflecting on 47: An SMBC Comic
2
Replies
57
Views
8K
Bad Math Jokes
8
Replies
386
Views
37K
Weird / Interesing science related objects
Replies
7
Views
3K
What does it tell if you can (or can't) get this joke?
Replies
15
Views
5K
What Are Your Favorite Physics Jokes?
Replies
1
Views
3K
Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! - My Favorite Book
Replies
21
Views
3K
Mini road trip: tigers and goats and bears, oh my
Replies
5
Views
2K
That Will Smith and Chris Rock thing
4
Replies
185
Views
10K
Collection of Science Jokes P2
80
Replies
4K
Views
428K

Hot Threads

Recent Insights

Back
Top