Collection of Lame Jokes

[DrGreg]

It's right next to the second hand shop.

Don't forget a clock's third hand is its second hand.

Spoiler

The first hand is the hour hand.
The second hand is the minute hand.
The third hand is the second hand.

As explained by Dave Allen

 

[256bits]

Don't forget a clock's third hand is its second hand.

Spoiler

The first hand is the hour hand.
The second hand is the minute hand.
The third hand is the second hand.

As explained by Dave Allen

And the minute hand is the hour hand.
And for more complication, the longer hand is the minute hand.

 

[AlexCaledin]

By clicking the link below, you agree to read it

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000BN0Z8I/?tag=pfamazon01-20

(the very English spelling of "Focke Wulf FW 190")

 

[Ibix]

What could possibly go wrong?

View attachment 211881

I think you mean "what could possibly go right"! (Grabs Spiderman costume, looks for EXIF geolocation tags in uploaded image.)

Awwww...
http://www.mirror.co.uk/usvsth3m/calm-down-havent-really-built-5401102

("Awwww" to the extent that the Mirror is a reliable source for a claim that the sky is blue, anyway)

 

[Ibix]

By clicking the link below, you agree to read it

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000BN0Z8I/?tag=pfamazon01-20

The product safety notice?

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

I'm broke! How broke am I? Somebody hacked my bank account and left me $50.

 

[davenn]

haha interesting advertising

 

[davenn]

just no sense of music appreciation

 

[256bits]

At the grand feast, one cannibal was asked how he thought about the recent missionary arrival.
The cannibal response was to throw up his hands.

 

[xblaze]

At the grand feast, one cannibal was asked how he thought about the recent missionary arrival.
The cannibal response was to throw up his hands.

Good one! Bet you don't want to see how his hands looked like after being thrown up.

 

[Ibix]

At the grand feast, one cannibal was asked how he thought about the recent missionary arrival.
The cannibal response was to throw up his hands.

I didn't get that the first time - needed a bit of time to digest it.

 

[Mark44]

What's the difference between a goofy Dutchman and a tulip?

Ans: One is a hollow cylinder and the other is a silly Hollander...

(As told by Prince Albert in the TV series "Victoria")

 

[DrGreg]

What's the difference between a goofy Dutchman and a tulip?

Ans: One is a hollow cylinder and the other is a silly Hollander...

Have you heard the sad news about the Dutch inventor of inflatable shoes? He's popped his clogs.

As told by Tim Vine

Spoiler: I don't get it

"Popped his clogs" is British slang for "died".

 

[Mark44]

Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table...
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's going to tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. Guido's wife Anna answers through the door and asks what he wants.
Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell that miserable SOB to drop dead!" Anna yells.

Pasquale replies, "I'll go tell him."

 

[Eclair_de_XII]

Hey, are you a function for charge on a discharging capacitor? Because you look like a real $q(t)$*. ;)

*$q(t)=q(0)e^{-\frac{1}{RC}t}$

 

[ISamson]

This might not be the right forum for this, but anyway...

P.S. Sorry for the bad quality.

 

[davenn]

uh huh
Have spent many a freezing winter nite at the scope and camera

 

[davenn]

hahaha ... explains so much ...

 

[ISamson]

Why did the chicken cross the road?Because it wanted to go to McDonald's to eat some nuggets.

 

[ISamson]

hahaha ... explains so much ...

View attachment 212571

Let themselves go from where?

 

[Borg]

Let themselves go from where?

Letting oneself go is an idiom that means to not care about your weight.

 

[ISamson]

Letting oneself go is an idiom that means to not care about your weight.

Thanks.

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the band of cannibals who captured the Lord of the Jungle? Afterwards, their feasts became insufferable because they insisted on playing the Tarzan's tripes forever.

 

[stoomart]

Did you hear about the band of cannibals who captured the Lord of the Jungle? Afterwards, their feasts became insufferable because they insisted on playing the Tarzan's tripes forever.

That one’s a stretch.

 

[Ibix]

That one’s a stretch.

Stretched over a soundbox, presumably.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

That one’s a stretch.

Didn't strike a cord with me either.

 

[256bits]

Didn't strike a cord with me either.

Although, the percussionists did take a lot of ribbing.

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

"With this new App on your smartphone you can pretend you were at home!"
"Great. May I see the office version?"

 

[davenn]