Do Physical Appearance and Shared Interests Affect Attraction Equally?

[turbo]

I was very short and light in weight (though stringy as all get-out) during HS, and experienced a 4" growth spurt when I went to college and stopped running cross-country, cross-country skiing, and other calorie-depleting activities. (I can see how incessant training can keep ballerinas tiny even if they don't suffer from anorexia!) Anyway, almost every girl in HS was taller than me (and most weighed more, too), and if I was going to date them, I had to ignore that and approach them as friends. We never clicked romantically, but one of my most trusted friends in HS was about 6" taller than me and out-weighed me by 50%. My longest-running GF in HS was several inches taller than me and was a Miss Maine runner-up and she came on to me because my much larger female buddy encouraged her to get to know me and we clicked almost immediately. Attraction is a pretty complex subject. I have been physically attracted to a woman who had an oversized nose (eventually "fixed" with rhinoplasy) no chest to speak of, and a lethal sense of humor, who could slay me with a phrase. I preferred her before the "normal" nose. People who stay in the "meat market" mentality never get it. Look at Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett, for instance. How could such a talented, sensitive and well-rounded person fall for a movie star? Beats me.

 

[Cyrus]

But how would I know she's all of the above? I've never met her before.

 

[moose]

This is interesting, so you guys would not accept a date with an intelligent, humorous, interesting girl unless she was physically attractive?

She would make a good friend. Everyone I know falls into one of these categories. Family, friend, girlfriend, other. If the girl is intelligent, humorous, and interesting, yet not in the least attractive, she will fall into my friend category. That is the difference between the two categories (friends and girlfriend). What you are trying to imply is that I should be able to see myself going out with anyone of my friends who are girls, because all of them are intelligent, humorous, and interesting (that's why they are my friends). That is not the case...

EDIT: I should also mention that in the past, there have been a few girls I have been attracted to that nobody else found to be attractive. It doesn't happen often, but has happened.

 

[ice109]

Nope.

It is interesting to hear how some of the men here think.

Being female, I could usually tell if a guys only interest in me was physical, that usually got him a "no". A lot of the quality guys I wanted to date rarely, ok never, asked me out, so I had to start asking them out.

you know honestly i don't understand why that's repulsive in and of it's self. personally i think anyone attracted to me because of a snap judgment like "oh he's cute or oh he's smart or oh he's good at this blah blah" is weird

i think this is really succinct about how one should feel about infatuation

socrates is talking to hippthales about his love for a boy named lysis

soc:O Hippothales, I said, if you have ever made any verses or songs in honour of your favourite, I do not want to hear them; but I want to know the purport of them, that I may be able to judge of your mode of approaching your fair one.

hip:Ctesippus will be able to tell you, he said; for if, as he avers, the sound of my words is always dinning in his ears, he must have a very accurate knowledge and recollection of them.

ctes:Yes, indeed, said Ctesippus; I know only too well; and very ridiculous the tale is: for although he is a lover, and very devotedly in love, he has nothing particular to talk about to his beloved which a child might not say. Now is not that ridiculous? He can only speak of the wealth of Democrates, which the whole city celebrates, and grandfather Lysis, and the other ancestors of the youth, and their stud of horses, and their victory at the Pythian games, and at the Isthmus, and at Nemea with four horses and single horses-these are the tales which he composes and repeats. And there is greater twaddle still. Only the day before yesterday he made a poem in which he described the entertainment of Heracles, who was a connexion of the family, setting forth how in virtue of this relationship he was hospitably received by an ancestor of Lysis; this ancestor was himself begotten of Zeus by the daughter of the founder of the deme. And these are the sort of old wives' tales which he sings and recites to us, and we are obliged to listen to him.

soc:When I heard this, I said: O ridiculous Hippothales! how can you be making and singing hymns in honour of yourself before you have won?

hip:But my songs and verses, he said, are not in honour of myself, Socrates.

soc:You think not? I said.

hip:Nay, but what do you think? he replied.

soc:Most assuredly, I said, those songs are all in your own honour; for if you win your beautiful love, your discourses and songs will be a glory, to you, and may be truly regarded as hymns of praise composed in honour of you who have conquered and won such a love; but if he slips away from you, the more you have praised him, the more ridiculous you will look at having lost this fairest and best of blessings; and therefore the wise lover does not praise his beloved until he has won him, because he is afraid of accidents. There is also another danger; the fair, when anyone praises or magnifies them, are filled with the spirit of pride and vain-glory. Do you not agree with me?

the other stuff will probably people who can't get dates

edit

you guys who write off "unattractive" are definitely shallow. beauty is meaningless

 

[Evo]

She would make a good friend. Everyone I know falls into one of these categories. Family, friend, girlfriend, other. If the girl is intelligent, humorous, and interesting, yet not in the least attractive, she will fall into my friend category. That is the difference between the two categories (friends and girlfriend). What you are trying to imply is that I should be able to see myself going out with anyone of my friends who are girls, because all of them are intelligent, humorous, and interesting (that's why they are my friends). That is not the case...

No, I'm asking if you, as a man, can find a girl attractive after getting to know her if you didn't find her attractive at first. Or is that something more unique to women?

Perhaps it goes back to women needing to rely on a male for subsitance and protection. If he was ugly, then hopefully, the right qualities would make him attractive. Men, on the other hand, looked for what excited them, they didn't need to depend on certain qualities in women, except maybe to produce children, so that was never an issue?

 

[Cyrus]

I think its possible, but I don't see how I would get to know her unless we were in school or worked together. Because any other way I would not spend my time taking her out.

you guys who write off "unattractive" are definitely shallow. beauty is meaningless

Nope. Perhaps you should speak for yourself, your values are not mine. There are a lot of girls I am not attracted to, so what's wrong with that?

 

[Beeza]

I've got a question...

Is it wrong, when married or in a long-term relationship (several several years) to expect the other person to take care of themselves and stay in shape?

How would you guys feel if the average sized person you married turned into a 400lb moose (provided that there are no health conditions inducing this)?

I think I'd honestly leave the person if they weren't willing to take care of themselves.

 

[moose]

No, I'm asking if you, as a man, can find a girl attractive after getting to know her if you didn't find her attractive at first. Or is that something more unique to women?

Girls certainly do get more attractive as you get to know them and spend more time with them (well, there are also those who become ugly in your eyes due to the way they act). However, I can only think of one time when I met a girl who I wasn't attracted to at first, yet became attracted to over time. She wasn't ugly to begin with, she was (to me) somewhere between attractive and unattractive. If there's a girl who I find to be unpleasant looking (haha, a lot of PC in this thread), someone who I can barely look at, then there's no way her personality will change that in my mind.

you guys who write off "unattractive" are definitely shallow. beauty is meaningless

No it's not. We rarely buy cars JUST because of their specs. We buy them because of that AND their look. The case is similar here. Ok, not the best example, but whatever.

 

[Cyrus]

I've got a question...

Is it wrong, when married or in a long-term relationship (several several years) to expect the other person to take care of themselves and stay in shape?

How would you guys feel if the average sized person you married turned into a 400lb moose (provided that there are no health conditions inducing this)?

I think I'd honestly leave the person if they weren't willing to take care of themselves.

No, it sounds just about right to me. If I wanted to live with a cow, Id move to a farm.

 

[moose]

No, it sounds just about right to me. If I wanted to live with a cow, Id move to a farm.

Exactly. I'm into girls who are petty active, it's part of their personality. Sooooo...

 

[chroot]

This is interesting, so you guys would not accept a date with an intelligent, humorous, interesting girl unless she was physically attractive?

Like all men (I think), I'm looking for the complete package. That means a girl who is intelligent, motivated, interesting, fun, and good-looking. There are plenty of such women; why settle for anything less?

You are correct that some things can grow on you with time and become more attractive, so, to me, "good-looking" is not an idealization. I often find myself most attracted to women other people would describe as cute, rather than meeting stereotypical standards of supermodel beauty. These sorts of girls definitely do grow on me, and become more and more attractive as I get to know them.

I have to admit that some physical characteristics will never grow on me, however. Mainly, I mean weight. The honest truth is that I view being overweight as a character flaw, in the same vein as being an alcoholic. It's even worse than alcoholism in the sense that it affects not only my opinion of her personality, but of her looks as well. It also indicates to me that she's probably not going to enjoy any of my active hobbies, etc.

So -- if a girl is "not physically attractive" because she's very overweight, I won't be interested, even if she is very engaging. If she's "not very attractive" because I don't like her hair style or her clothing, that's something I could overcome in time.

- Warren

 

[moose]

I agree 100% with what chroot said.

 

[JasonRox]

Being female, I could usually tell if a guys only interest in me was physical, that usually got him a "no".

Well, you're like the only one on the planet. Most girls can't tell at all.

For example, if I want to fool around with a girl, I can ask her at the beginning of the night... "Would you fool around with someone you just met?" And she says no. By the end of the night, I'd be making out with her and dicking around. Moral of the story, you can change anything.

If a girl said no to me because all she saw was that I was attracted to physically, that can change very quickly. Although I wouldn't change my first thoughts, only hers would change. When you get a girl comfortable sexually, you win everytime. (I don't the idea of "winning" but they're basically asking for it.)

How are they asking for it? Well, you just said no because my interests are the attraction I have towards you (or the girl). Making a judgement of me just because I have interest in looks. In fact, I see that as worse than the male interested in the girl by attraction. The male isn't making any perceptions of who she is. He's just playing by what he sees physically and the female makes the perception that I may be only interested in such, I'm a bad guy for so and so, or whatever and says no. Think about it.

 

[JasonRox]

I agree 100% with what chroot said.

I agree too.

 

[Smurf]

I get the impression that some guys start with physical attraction as a must and then work down the list of other qualities.

That's exactly what I do. And there's a very practical reason for it, it's the first thing you can judge about a person. As soon as you meet someone do you know if their funny or loyal, etc,.? No, but you know if they look good to you or not? If it's a requirement, then it's just practical to knock it off first.

 

[chroot]

For example, if I want to fool around with a girl, I can ask her at the beginning of the night... "Would you fool around with someone you just met?" And she says no. By the end of the night, I'd be making out with her and dicking around. Moral of the story, you can change anything.

You're only changing it by lying to her. I can go meet a girl, and tell her all kinds of things that aren't true about my interest in her, and I can let it go as far as I want. I just stopped doing that back in high school because it's almost surely going to hurt her, and one-night stands aren't all that great anyway.

- Warren

 

[slugcountry]

This is interesting, so you guys would not accept a date with an intelligent, humorous, interesting girl unless she was physically attractive?

maybe when if I'm still single by the time I'm a senior citizen. Until then I intend to have GOOD sex, not the paper bag variety.

 

[turbo]

maybe when if I'm still single by the time I'm a senior citizen. Until then I intend to have GOOD sex, not the paper bag variety.

If you think that you can only have enjoyable sex with women who are stunners, you have not had much experience and can be excused.

 

[Evo]

I asked someone who (in their opinion) is unattractive if they find other unattractive people "attractive", he said no.

Now before you pounce on me, he was the one insisting he was unattractive and that women were scum because they only wanted hunky men.

Basically, he was guilty of what he was accusing women of. He wanted someone that society judged attractive and would not date an unattractive woman.

 

[chroot]

Anyone can be hunky -- by choice -- unless they're disabled. Fat people who complain about not being desired annoy the crap out of me.

- Warren

 

[Evo]

Anyone can be hunky -- by choice -- unless they're disabled. Fat people who complain about not being desired annoy the crap out of me.

- Warren

Actually, it was about facial appearance, not body.

 

[Loren Booda]

Can somebody appear too attractive? I feel profoundly passionate yet somewhat insecure about women whom I have fallen in love with.

 

[JasonRox]

You're only changing it by lying to her. I can go meet a girl, and tell her all kinds of things that aren't true about my interest in her, and I can let it go as far as I want. I just stopped doing that back in high school because it's almost surely going to hurt her, and one-night stands aren't all that great anyway.

- Warren

First, how am I lying?

Second, I already said I don't do one night stands. I'm the one that says no.

 

[Cyrus]

Actually, it was about facial appearance, not body.

I would say there are girls that are pretty and girls that are O.K. Its the OK ones that you have to get to know to really like them more. The pretty ones you just like. Then its a matter of finding out what their personality is like. If they don't have one, then they are just as ugly as the ugly ones. But it should go in order Looks --> Perosnality --> Goals because that's how you get to know someone.

If I were just meeting someone as a friend, it would be Personality --> Goals --> looks.

 

[RetardedBastard]

Can somebody appear too attractive? I feel profoundly passionate yet somewhat insecure about women whom I have fallen in love with.

Being too attractive is like being too lucky, or having too much fun*. If there are downsides... god I hope I find out too.

*without being careless

 

[RetardedBastard]

Other than a really sweet smile, and maybe some tenderness, I don't know of any other specific traits that I HAVE TO HAVE in a woman. I'm physically very active, so I would expect something similar ofcourse. I think those things are enough requirements I have for me to "click" with a woman. And "clicking" is all I'll ever want.

 

[radou]

How would you guys feel if the average sized person you married turned into a 400lb moose (provided that there are no health conditions inducing this)?

I think I'd honestly leave the person if they weren't willing to take care of themselves.

It wouldn't happen. Relationships, and specially marriage, mean taking care of your partner, too.

Like all men (I think), I'm looking for the complete package. That means a girl who is intelligent, motivated, interesting, fun, and good-looking. There are plenty of such women; why settle for anything less?

This is so true. But I know a lot of people who do settle for everything less all the time, and complain to me about not doing the same thing. And then I seem like a complicated person to them. Right.

 

[slugcountry]

If you think that you can only have enjoyable sex with women who are stunners, you have not had much experience and can be excused.

I think you missed the point - I prefer to have sex with people I'm ATTRACTED TO. lol.. why would I have sex with someone I wasn't?

 

[Loren Booda]

When I was young and arrogant, I was slim and muscular, as well as an Ivy League student (and a pot head). I doubt I realized one decent date back then.

Now, approaching 50 years of age, I take a vital medicine that adds ~50 pounds to my weight (I quit pot over 22 years ago), I work where I can contribute meaningfully to the world community - and now have great rapport with women, some of them reminding of my own youthful personality. It could well be more than just rapport, but I am in a dedicated relationship, the best kind.

 

[turbo]

I think you missed the point - I prefer to have sex with people I'm ATTRACTED TO. lol.. why would I have sex with someone I wasn't?

Because sometimes the closeness of having sex (or at least some intimate moments) can unlock an attraction that you didn't know was there. Do you think that a drop-dead gorgeous woman is going to stay that way all her life? What if she's bulimic and will stop puking up her meals when she snags a guy who is fixated on her looks? What if she develops a medical condition that ruins her looks (for you)? You may not have a goal of finding a compatible mate that you can share your life with, but it's best to keep your options open so you don't get cheated out of that possibility.