How Long Does It Take to Heal from a Lost Love?

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The discussion revolves around personal experiences of getting over past relationships, with participants sharing various timelines and coping strategies. Many express that healing from heartbreak can take a significant amount of time, often ranging from several months to a few years. Common themes include the importance of keeping busy, engaging in new activities, and maintaining social connections to aid in the recovery process. Participants emphasize the need to acknowledge the flaws in past partners to facilitate moving on, while some also discuss the challenges of maintaining friendships with exes. The conversation touches on the emotional complexities of breakups, including feelings of loneliness and the struggle to regain self-identity post-relationship. Overall, the thread highlights that while the journey to overcome someone can be painful and lengthy, personal growth and new relationships can eventually lead to healing.
cronxeh
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How long did it take you to get over someone? Was it a crush/infatuation/etc? What was the longest, how did it proceed and how did you finally get them out of your head?
 
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My worst heartbreak...it took a long time to really get over. Maybe a couple years. I did try to move on during that time, though. Dated guys here and there, but it was really tough.

I think it was made worse by how he broke up with me. Just took longer and longer and longer to return my calls, until finally...nothing.

Eventually time did it, I guess.
 
Yeah it tooke me a while to get over a serious relationship. over a year I'd say. Its really not an easy thing to do. Time helps, keeping busy helps, and I just listed all the reasons why we broke up and kept thinking about them... then eventually it all sinks in and you realize you are better off without that person in your life.
 
cronxeh said:
How long did it take you to get over someone? Was it a crush/infatuation/etc? What was the longest, how did it proceed and how did you finally get them out of your head?

I dated a girl for 3 years; the last two years of high school, and the first year of "independence." It was the first relationship I'd ever been in. About 6 months after graduating high school, our desires for the future had changed significantly, and it caused daily struggles between us. We eventually decided that we should "take a break" for awhile.

About a month or so into our break, I started to feel incredibly lonely, and I asked her where she was at in the whole thing. She was happily moving forward in a relationship with someone she'd met at school and was no longer interested in anything regarding us as a couple.

I had made being in a relationship with her a big part of my identity, and it gave me an artificial sense of wholeness as a person. I would say that learning more about who I was as an individual and what I wanted to do with my future was the biggest help in my finding reconciliation for our failed relationship. Of course, it isn't really possible to just ignore the pain of rejection, but just know that the issue is usually bigger than that. Make new friends, and lean on current ones, who are mature and share your interests. This will help get your mind and emotions back on track. For me, I'd say it took about a year before I felt mentally and emotionally secure about the whole thing.
 
cronxeh said:
How long did it take you to get over someone? Was it a crush/infatuation/etc? What was the longest, how did it proceed and how did you finally get them out of your head?

I'm still not over you. :cry: Twas love at first sight.
 
Not to worry! After a while you’ll come across this very thread and go like:

WHAT WAS I THINKING!

:biggrin:
 
drizzle said:
Not to worry! After a while you’ll come across this very thread and go like:

WHAT WAS I THINKING!

:biggrin:

Ill be too old to remember what I was thinking
 
Are you even thinking! Hehe, no offence but anyway, you've just done the first step to get over it!

Btw, that wasn't directed to you! But you too have the same problem, so sure it'll help :biggrin:
 
I've tried a lot of things.. it seems my holographic brain has allocated its own separate neuronet that is hacking away at the rest of my sanity. I don't know what else is there. Its just stupefying and annoying and humiliating and enraging.
 
  • #10
cronxeh said:
How long did it take you to get over someone? Was it a crush/infatuation/etc? What was the longest, how did it proceed and how did you finally get them out of your head?

Sometimes no amount o'scrapin' will remove some barnacles from yer hull. Of course ye could look at it this way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mdnli52kKOE
 
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  • #11
There is a small chance that you could totally forget about someone you were utterly in love with at some point in your life. If you don't totally forget, and the memory remains, at what point do you cease to feel the memory of love along with the memory of events? Personally, I would say you can always remember how much you loved someone, even many relationships further - but does that mean you still love them? Not necessarily. So getting over someone is just a question of giving yourself the license to love someone new. If you have no issues with serial monogamy, this shouldn't be a problem. If you believe there is something bad about moving from one relationship to the next, you might avoid seeking a new love to replace the old one.

Now, here's the big question imo: Is there a culture of coercion when it comes to letting go of past relationships and cultivating new ones to replace them? Or are people really given the same respect if they choose not to let go of a past relationship? It seems like people used to have one relationship in life and if it failed, they spent the rest of their lives mourning the loss. Now it seems like this is considered too much of a guilt-trip or an annoyance for the person leaving - so you have to move on or be pathologized for not moving on.
 
  • #12
I still remember ol what's her name, whoever she was.

Think it started with an A... or a 5.

Point is, this threads awful.
 
  • #13
Pengwuino said:
I still remember ol what's her name, whoever she was.

Think it started with an A... or a 5.

Point is, this threads awful.

Are you familiar with a sound a chainsaw makes as it cuts a penguin into tiny little penguin cubes? :biggrin:
 
  • #14
I don't think he is. But he's surelly familiar with the sound of a roasted penguin being fried! I just wonder how many times has he gone through that process... :biggrin:
 
  • #15
It took me over a month to stop thinking about her daily and probably a full year to just not care anymore. Trick is to cut off all contact, have your friends stop bringing up his/her name, pick up a hobby or do something new that you find interesting and just continue on with life. Eventually you'll just move on.

If he/she calls you to just be friends. NO! I'd say ignore the call all together but if you think you're being an ******* by not picking up, if you insist, go ahead. Not until you are completely over him/her.
 
  • #16
cronxeh said:
How long did it take you to get over someone? Was it a crush/infatuation/etc? What was the longest, how did it proceed and how did you finally get them out of your head?
The worst psychological stresses take a couple of years to "heal". Take comfort in knowing that after you hit rock bottom, chances are you'll fell better with every day which passes :P

And may I suggest some other hobbies than cutting penguins with chainsaws ? Try a gym for a change, your body will thank you .
 
  • #17
DanP said:
The worst psychological stresses take a couple of years to "heal". Take comfort in knowing that after you hit rock bottom, chances are you'll fell better with every day which passes :P

And may I suggest some other hobbies than cutting penguins with chainsaws ? Try a gym for a change, your body will thank you .

Another cool thing I forgot was that when I hit rock bottom I learned a lot about myself, what kind of person I want to be and so forth. That was just me though. Take notes
 
  • #18
any good advice on what to do after a break up? to keep sane and not get depressed?
 
  • #19
nucleargirl said:
any good advice on what to do after a break up? to keep sane and not get depressed?

Don't neglect your friends when you're in a relationship, so they'll still be there after the relationship is over.
 
  • #20
nucleargirl said:
any good advice on what to do after a break up? to keep sane and not get depressed?

Embrace the dark side. Wine is good for the soul. Drown a little, breathe a little, drown some more, and then date again.
 
  • #21
I love my one friend. oh dear.
 
  • #22
nucleargirl said:
any good advice on what to do after a break up? to keep sane and not get depressed?

Sports. Ultimately, nothing beats this IMO. But you have to give it a chance, not decide after 2 days that "it's not for me".
 
  • #23
and listening to Trina.
 
  • #24
nucleargirl said:
I love my one friend. oh dear.

Haha. Welcome to the club, chub. On the agenda today: is it ever worth having friend of opposite sex again? I say nay. Not ever, no way, no how not a chance in hell!
 
  • #25
cronxeh said:
How long did it take you to get over someone? Was it a crush/infatuation/etc? What was the longest, how did it proceed and how did you finally get them out of your head?

I just removed the last way of contact of my first close friend that I made at university three years ago.

It was...a complicated relationship. I liked her, she didn't return those feelings. Later she liked me and I didn't return those feelings. I later tried to restart things, and after an initial period of promise things have deteriorated very badly between us. This deterioration phase lasted 5 months.

I got her out of my head by acknowledging the truth, that despite the small part of me that wants what we had back, nothing she says or does will ever make me care about her the way I used to.
 
  • #26
Wow, a lot of you really did take quite long. It's comforting to me though.

I'm still not over my ex even though it has been at least 5 months since she broke up. It was really made worse by her parents, since her parents are really close to her, but have a very very low opinion of me. And since she'll probably become closer to them, it will probably make a reconciliation very difficult.

For those who've gone through such breakups, have you ever talked to your ex ever again? And if you don't, do you still remember them positively? I had the opportunity to profusely apologize to her for about 2 months after the breakup, after which she practically stopped reading my blog.
 
  • #27
Aaaand it happened :biggrin:

3.5 months of no contact, and I couldn't care less anymore. The trick is to see all the flaws very clearly, and stop making excuses for the other person. The bottom line is, when you clearly see the person for who they are, you realize what a pathetic excuse for life they've been this whole time.
 
  • #28
Weird thread :shy: But I have you all beat: 3.4 years and still counting. Now where's my pity award? :-p
 
  • #29
I don't think getting over it relates to much besides the quality of the girl and your ability to attract other girls.

If you have only had 1 girlfriend ever, and she breaks up with you, you will be shattered. You have never shared those types of feelings or experiences with anyone before. In your mind, she is a unique snowflake, and your world without her has a huge emptiness.

But if you can get better around women and get more experience, you may begin to realize that your first girl, or second girl, wasn't really that unique snowflake, but rather a normal human like all of us, complete with flaws and negative characteristics, and that you can have just as gratifying relationships with other human beings, likewise flawed but likewise capable of sharing good experiences/emotions with.

Of course, if you're with an amazing girl and then find yourself with a dull plain Jane, you'll feel like you're missing something. Which just means that you should seek out quality instead of settling for whatever comes your way.
 
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  • #30
Simfish said:
Wow, a lot of you really did take quite long. It's comforting to me though.

I'm still not over my ex even though it has been at least 5 months since she broke up. It was really made worse by her parents, since her parents are really close to her, but have a very very low opinion of me. And since she'll probably become closer to them, it will probably make a reconciliation very difficult.

For those who've gone through such breakups, have you ever talked to your ex ever again? And if you don't, do you still remember them positively? I had the opportunity to profusely apologize to her for about 2 months after the breakup, after which she practically stopped reading my blog.

Sim,

It's going to be worse when you didn't initiate the split because you've lost control.

Apologizing when you were the one who got dumped isn't a good move. She already is the one calling the shots, and you're putting yourself in a submissive position. Unless you did something TRULY horrible, there's no need to apologize for yourself or your behavior. Very rarely is it becoming for a man to take an apologetic posture with a woman, it lowers him below her, and women do not want a man who is below them.

Sadly, your behavior would lead to simmilar results with most women. Best to just forget about her, and the best way to do that is by not moping around and getting with new women. After you've been around the block a few more times, look back and think about if she really was that special.
 
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  • #31
wasteofo2 said:
... Unless you did something TRULY horrible, there's no need to apologize for yourself or your behavior. Very rarely is it becoming for a man to take an apologetic posture with a woman, it lowers him below her, and women do not want a man who is below them.

...

Gender is irrelevant. If you've done something wrong, own up to it and apologize. That's what mature adults of either gender do. Also, a real man can own up to mistakes without feeling insecure; it's a sign of integrity, and is an admirable characteristic in a partner. One is not exempt from taking personal responsibility for one's actions based on one's gender. That's just ridiculous.
 
  • #32
To be honest, as you get older (the more relationships and people you are romantically linked in the past), the easier it'll be get over past significant others. As a rule of thumb.
 
  • #33
diazona said:
Weird thread :shy: But I have you all beat: 3.4 years and still counting. Now where's my pity award? :-p

fish2qn4.gif
 
  • #34
Cyclovenom said:
To be honest, as you get older (the more relationships and people you are romantically linked in the past), the easier it'll be get over past significant others. As a rule of thumb.

Do you mean cronxeh meant 3.5 years instead of months, but that was a typo? :biggrin:

It only depends on the person if s/he would let go or not. So, it might take a min/day/week or even years.
 
  • #35
My first relationship was the worst (thus far). I was totally infatuated with a girl that seemed really into me. It kind of sucks that my first relationship was also the first time that I was ever cheated on. It was kind of cliche' (while I was at boot camp with a close friend of mine). I can say it took me a solid year to finally get completely over her.

For a long time I sort of blamed myself for some reason that seems really foreign to me now. I honestly can not put myself back into that frame of mind again. I only really think about how she hurt me now instead of thinking back always on the better times.

Now I am in a much more serious relationship. I could see having difficulty dealing with it again if I should have a repeat. It could honestly take years if I was totally ripped apart or blind sided with a break up.

It took me a long while to get back into the dating game after my first failed foray. I had developed some trust issues that I had to actually deal with head on.

Something I learned though==>

1. Know when to break it off. There is no point in trying to stay together when you really now that you are not compatible. Even if its a little thing. If you don't have that forever feeling after really getting to know the person, it is time to move on.

2. Trust completely. Assume that the person is 100% trustworthy and wait until they prove you wrong. If they cheat, break it off immediately. If they cheat, you know that they are not the person for you and you need to move on. Cheating is their problem, not yours.

3. Be confident, which includes not being too awestruck when it pays off and you honestly don't know why. Remember that they probably feel the same way.

4. When the time is right, love them and tell them you do often.

I think the hardest part of a break-up is the forced introspective you have after-wards.
You try and figure what it is that was wrong about you that resulted in them breaking up with you instead of thinking about what was wrong with them that led to the break up. You don't want to think about the bad in the other person, especially if you were really happy, but I think it is the only way to finally find closure and move on.

P.S. (I also do not believe that let's "be friends" bull. When it is over, it it over. I have been in a break up from both ends now and I now that trying to stay close in most situations is just more painful. I am sure there are special circumstances, but in most cases it just doesn't work.)
 
  • #36
Dembadon said:
Gender is irrelevant. If you've done something wrong, own up to it and apologize. That's what mature adults of either gender do. Also, a real man can own up to mistakes without feeling insecure; it's a sign of integrity, and is an admirable characteristic in a partner. One is not exempt from taking personal responsibility for one's actions based on one's gender. That's just ridiculous.

Owning up to your mistakes is one thing, apologizing to a woman who broke up with you is another. It's about self-respect, and indeed, about integrity.

A woman broke up with him and did him emotional harm. She is the one in charge in that situation, and his apologizing to her reinforced that dynamic, which will not help him get over her, or help him feel good about himself. Lowering yourself before someone who did you harm is a terribly self-destructive behavior, and has nothing to do with owning up to mistakes.
 
  • #37
wasteofo2 said:
Owning up to your mistakes is one thing, apologizing to a woman who broke up with you is another. It's about self-respect, and indeed, about integrity.

Why is different ? If you do something stupid, it makes really no difference she is breaking up with you or not.



wasteofo2 said:
A woman broke up with him and did him emotional harm.

So what ? Some relationships end. You can't ask anyone to stay with you when they don't want.

wasteofo2 said:
She is the one in charge in that situation, and his apologizing to her reinforced that dynamic, which will not help him get over her, or help him feel good about himself.

How could an "Im sorry" be a significant variable in any dealing with breakup ? It would take a person with an extremely flimsy mind to be so affected by 2 words.
wasteofo2 said:
Lowering yourself before someone who did you harm is a terribly self-destructive behavior, and has nothing to do with owning up to mistakes.

You have an erroneous perception about what "Im sorry" means. It's not lowering before anyone, especially not before a women you spent time in a relationship and you wronged her.
 
  • #38
All the evidence is right here:

simfiish said:
I had the opportunity to profusely apologize to her for about 2 months after the breakup, after which she practically stopped reading my blog.

She dumped him, he tried to apologize to make things better, and she rejected him further. His strategy got him an extra dose of rejection on top of what he already faced.
 
  • #39
wasteofo2 said:
All the evidence is right here:



She dumped him, he tried to apologize to make things better, and she rejected him further. His strategy got him an extra dose of rejection on top of what he already faced.

Strategy ? Extra rejection ? That's bull. You apologize for the **** you made, not to get back together with a chick.

I would suggest for anyone who wants to listen to stay in good relations, when/if possible, with your ex girlfriends. Having good relationships with a network of females pays off big time.

It won't gimp your testosterone, I promise you.
 
  • #40
DanP said:
Strategy ? Extra rejection ? That's bull. You apologize for the **** you made, not to get back together with a chick.

I never said anything about getting back together with anyone, it's about maintaining your self respect and dignity.

If your goal is to have good relations with your ex in order to eventaully get with her friends, apologizing until she removes herself from your life even more is not the way to do that.

Although there's no reason you should have to rely on you ex to introduce you to new girls.
 
  • #41
wasteofo2 said:
I never said anything about getting back together with anyone, it's about maintaining your self respect and dignity.

Whatever floats your boat man.
 
  • #42
drizzle said:
It only depends on the person if s/he would let go or not. So, it might take a min/day/week or even years.

Agree!
I guess sometimes people just don't want to let it go since they're afraid of not meeting any other cool person in the near future!:wink:
 
  • #43
I'm in the process of divorce and am already over her.

So, I guess it took me -3 to -6 months.

=D Haha.
 
  • #44
OK I feel like I should update on my progress. Perhaps when they dig up the server in a thousand years they would get an insight into the dynamics of human relationships, who knows.

Well I've been reeling from this infatuation but like I said, I've mostly moved on. Well I met someone new, and even though things are very slow to start, I'm neither in a hurry to jump into a relationship or friendship. Peeling away her defenses has been fun so far, and it seems there is a sweet core beneath it all :biggrin:

SO my advise to anyone struggling.. move on. There is always a perfect mate out there for you - someone who won't reject you.
 
  • #45
cronxeh said:
OK I feel like I should update on my progress. Perhaps when they dig up the server in a thousand years they would get an insight into the dynamics of human relationships, who knows.

Well I've been reeling from this infatuation but like I said, I've mostly moved on. Well I met someone new, and even though things are very slow to start, I'm neither in a hurry to jump into a relationship or friendship. Peeling away her defenses has been fun so far, and it seems there is a sweet core beneath it all :biggrin:

SO my advise to anyone struggling.. move on. There is always a perfect mate out there for you - someone who won't reject you.

Congrats for moving on!

Don't take it too slow now, don't want to end up in the friend zone.
 
  • #46
I listen to a CBC show called Wiretap, one episode the show read a bunch of submissions on this site:
http://dearoldlove.tumblr.com/
It's a pretty interesting read, oddly cathartic. :/
 

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