Racism in Rural Towns: My Unfortunate Misunderstanding

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In summary, an expert summarizer of the content would say that the guy was probably offended because he is one of a half dozen black kids in town, and the guy used a racist term to describe the kid.
  • #1
Ivan Seeking
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I just ran into town for a latenight dinner-to-go from Sharis. The local auto races had just ended for the night, and since Shari's is the only place open this late for twenty miles in any direction, the restaurant was absolutely packed. In passing I made the comment, "boy, you are really hopping tonight". The guy looked at me like he wanted to kill me.

At the time I was wondering what's wrong with this kid. He continued to glare at me the entire time I was there. Only after leaving did I realize that this kid is probably one of a half dozen black kids his age in town. Being a small rural community with a dying but still kicking stock of racism, I am sure that some people have called him "boy", with the sole intent of degrading him. I often use the word "boy" as a sort of damped explitive, but I would never use it in a racist sense. It was a very unfortunate misunderstanding. I feel badly now. :frown:
 
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  • #2
It's all in the inflexion. "Boy...", when said with a sense of wonder or whimsy, especially when there's little to no pause after the word, and quickly followed up by some exclamation, should be understood to be a non-racial usage.

Whereas "boy" with a deep Southern accent, accompanied by a long degrading pause complete with a look one normally reserves for cockroaches, *that's* racist.

If you clearly did only the former, forget about it. It's the "boy's" own stupidity for misinterpreting your intentions. It's not like you sprang an N-word or something.
 
  • #3
Maybe you were unknowingly on the losing end of a staring contest.
 
  • #4
Yah I am sorry, the meaning "boy, you are really hopping tonight" and "boy, don't your kind know nothing!" and how they are taking have absolutely nothing to do with one stupid word. If you said "boy, you sure are smart", i'd call the guy racist if he thought you were the one being racist. Don't feel bad, hyper-sensitive people like that are the problem, not the solution.
 
  • #5
Ivan Seeking said:
I just ran into town for a latenight dinner-to-go from Sharis. The local auto races had just ended for the night, and since Shari's is the only place open this late for twenty miles in any direction, the restaurant was absolutely packed. In passing I made the comment, "boy, you are really hopping tonight". The guy looked at me like he wanted to kill me.

At the time I was wondering what's wrong with this kid. He continued to glare at me the entire time I was there. Only after leaving did I realize that this kid is probably one of a half dozen black kids his age in town. Being a small rural community with a dying but still kicking stock of racism, I am sure that some people have called him "boy", with the sole intent of degrading him. I often use the word "boy" as a sort of damped explitive, but I would never use it in a racist sense. It was a very unfortunate misunderstanding. I feel badly now. :frown:
Well, if this dude is a regular at Shari's, the next time you encounter him, just explain what you meant.

And the next time, use "man" in lieu of "boy". :biggrin:

Or since you're from SoCal - use "dude", as in "Dude, this scene is totally rad, man!" :biggrin:
 
  • #6
It is lucky i do not go to any ethnic sensative areas, i would be bound sure
to put my foot in it, heck i call a thing by what it is, i do not know another
way, i often wonder why people take offence when i call them by what they
(are), they can do the same to me if they like, and as long as it is true in my mind i will not take umberage.
 
  • #7
He continued to glare at me the entire time I was there.

I would have told the guy "what are you staring at?" As a general rule, I am not nice to people who work in stores that act unprofessional.

Don't feel bad because the guy was an idiot, feel bad becasue you did not put him in his place for giving you a bad glare. He was way out of line, and you let him get away with it.
 
  • #8
Ivan, don't feel bad, it's his problem. The way you'd say "boy" to mean something like "wow" is not at all racist. You'd say it the same way to anyone who worked there, or even to someone who didn't work there, "Boy, is this place hopping tonight!"

But, maybe it wasn't taken that way at all. Maybe he was just in a bad mood or had a date planned and got called to work when it got crowded, or everyone was pretty much saying the same thing and he was too tired to respond anymore. Or, maybe he's never heard the phrase, "really hopping" before and didn't know what to make of it. Or maybe he's just never seen a gray guy before. :biggrin:
 
  • #9
Moonbear said:
Or maybe he's just never seen a gray guy before. :biggrin:
Or possibly, he mistakenly thought an "r" wasn't present in the above sentence. Some people glare due to such trivial differences.
 
  • #10
HEY! hey! whoa, hold on there...never lose the "r". :biggrin:

It is always possible that I misread the situation, in which case this kid would be a little scary. :uhh: But I'm virtually certain that this is what happened.

It can still be pretty rough around here that way - racism. Oregon is a fairly liberal state, but the rural areas lag behind the larger cities. I just felt badly that he believed this is what I said as I know how much this sort of thing can hurt a person. If I see him again I will try to say something.
 
  • #11
This is exactly why I don't like saying anything to random people.
 
  • #12
Ivan, was this guy an employee at Shari's? If so, maybe you could drop in again, find him and explain what happened. On the other hand, he might not be inclined to listen. One does not know another's experience, so its hard to tell sometimes.

I usually watch what I say around people depending on the situation.


When I lived in Houston, I used to go into some pretty rough neighborhoods, and in some cases, I'd be the only white dude around for miles. :biggrin: I was never hassled, partly because the bad dudes thought I must be pretty bad myself to be there. :rofl: I did quite often get some interesting comments regarding my sanity, and some of my friends thought I had a death wish. :biggrin:
 
  • #13
My intuition (which usually doesn't serve me too well, I must confess) leads me to envision a really awkward conversation if you decide to explain the misunderstanding to this guy the next time you meet him. Seinfeld was built on encounters like these. :rofl:

If you do decide to relieve the tension, just a little word of caution, please, please, *please*...

...don't start the conversation with "Hey, bro!" :biggrin:
 
  • #14
This sounds very Larry David'ish
 
  • #15
Curious3141 said:
My intuition (which usually doesn't serve me too well, I must confess) leads me to envision a really awkward conversation if you decide to explain the misunderstanding to this guy the next time you meet him. Seinfeld was built on encounters like these. :rofl:

I was thinking the same thing. Probably best just to let it go.

And please; hey bro? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: But in all seriousness, it had to be tough for a black kid growing up around here. Not very long ago this was a timber town that hadn't changed much since ~1895 - the year the mill was built.
 
  • #16
Maybe you should go buy him dinner and flowers, you seem to care about his feelings so much :yuck:

The guys just some idiot behind a cash register, let it go...
 
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  • #17
Why the sarcasm? Does it bother you if I care how I affect others? Are you uncomfortable with being kind and considerate?
 
  • #18
Ivan, you are such a nice person, remember it is the one that is (willing)
to push the the button to start a war,that is the bad guy.
 
  • #19
cyrusabdollahi said:
The guys just some idiot behind a cash register, let it go...
:eek: :confused: Just some idiot? You know nothing of this kid, yet because of the job he works, you assume he's an idiot? Not at all possible he's a smart kid trying to work his way through college, or a high school student working to help the family out while still managing to make straight-A's? Labeling the kid as an idiot IS insensitive.
 
  • #20
I was talking about this with a mate a few days ago. We're pretty lucky here, people are very tolerant, and its pretty hard to put your foot in your mouth. Australia is so multi cultural you can't afford to take offense at things like that.

My roommates are from french, welsh and jewish backgrounds, my girlfriend is south african, i live in a greek style house in an italian neighbourhood with pakistani neighbours, and at the lab I work in, I work with 2 australians, a nepalese, a chinese, an indian, a greek, 2 indonesions, a Canadian, an australian aboriginal and an iranian. So I'm sure I've said plenty of things that could be misinterpreted by someone as offensive, but people really need to learn to understand one another better than that.
 
  • #21
I would bet ten bucks the guy was irritated by something other than what you think. It could be he might have gotten off early to see his girlfriend if the place hadn't been so damned busy, and you inadvertantly poked that sore spot. Something like that. Something you'd never guess. A person would have to be deliberately trying to turn "boy" into a racial thing given the context. Could be you were just one more person he had to wait on before he got a much needed bathroom break.
 
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  • #22
I can't sleep either which is really weird. Tsu and I worked our butts off this weekend. I bet we cut and or burned at least twenty pickup loads of brush.

Well, this sort of thing is always difficult to gauge. To me it seemed clear when I flashed on his face as I said the word boy. It seemed to me that he reacted directly to this.

I think a lot of people here may not realize what it can be like in remote communities. About twenty years ago, a work buddy of mine was traveling through the South, and on the approach to one town there were two speed limits - one for whites, and another for blacks who [paraphrasing] were told to drive fast and be gone by sundown. Also, speaking as an ex-Californian who was threatened with death among other things, and who was told directly that I might be arrested for jaywalking and then commit suicide while in jail, I can tell you all about the local town. This ain't California. Things around here are improviing, but I can only imagine what this young man has endured. I guess this is why I was so bothered so much by the apparent misunderstanding.
 
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  • #23
You could be right. I live in an essentially asian part of San Diego and, being white, myself, am sometimes automatically suspected of being anti-minority. Once someone has gotten overt racist remarks and such aimed at them they become suspicious of any less than friendly attitude. Two people in my building gossiped to the landlady once that I was "very predjudiced". They based this on my giving them "bad looks". This is kinda funny because I was in a pretty severe depression at the time and had a near constant "bad look" on my face that wasn't aimed at anyone. So, if the guy had been called "boy" once or twice, then that's where his mind might have gone when you merely said the word.
 
  • #24
Moonbear said:
:eek: :confused: Just some idiot? You know nothing of this kid, yet because of the job he works, you assume he's an idiot? Not at all possible he's a smart kid trying to work his way through college, or a high school student working to help the family out while still managing to make straight-A's? Labeling the kid as an idiot IS insensitive.

He is not an idiot because he works behind a cash register. He's an idiot becuase he had to really try hard to take the word 'boy' and turn it into something offensive.

To Ivan:

I seriously don't see why you would loose sleep over this. So what if the guy misunderstood you!? Why do people worry so much about what others think of them? You must live in Bush country Ivan :biggrin:, bunch of red necks. It's sad that there are places like that in America still (and there are many).

Side question: Why would you live in a place with people like that to begin with?


Ivan seeking said:
Why the sarcasm? Does it bother you if I care how I affect others? Are you uncomfortable with being kind and considerate?

I am nice to everyone I first meet, no matter who they are. If I were in your situation, I would have told him, "why are you staring at me?" Not, "I am so sorry if I offended you." What are you sorry for? The fact that he can't listen?
 
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  • #25
The best way to handle this situation is to start fresh:

1] Do NOT try to rectify or even raise the previous situation. At best, it will not go well.
2] DO make a point to be friendly as if to any stranger: smile, say hi and make light smalltalk.
 
  • #26
cyrusabdollahi said:
To Ivan:

I seriously don't see why you would loose sleep over this.

I didn't. Why would you leap to such a rash conclusion. I've battled insomnia since I was five.

So what if the guy misunderstood you!? Why do people worry so much about what others think of them?

First of all, YOU are making more of this than I did. Also, I don't care what he thinks of me, I cared how I affected him.

Also, I guess I don't particularly care if someone stares at me. Why would you want make a scene when this happens? Who cares? I normally assume it's nothing. What nagged at me was his apparent change in demeanor.

You must live in Bush country Ivan :biggrin:, bunch of red necks. It's sad that there are places like that in America still (and there are many).

Yes. When we moved here there was one black guy in town. Over time we would see a new black people in town, but they never seemed to stay long. Things have improved dramatically in the last fifteen years, however, back in the 60's, the KKK had a strong presense around here. In fact, as late as the 1970's, even Portland had black only, and white only drinking fountains.

Side question: Why would you live in a place with people like that to begin with?

Because aside from the higher than average percentage of local jerks, we live in paradise.
 
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  • #27
Well, you said:

I can't sleep either which is really weird.

That is why I thought you lost sleep over it. Your wording made it seem like it was in relation to the even, don't blame me. :wink:

Because aside from the higher than average percentage of local jerks, we live in paradise.

Boy, that's some trade-off! :biggrin:
 
  • #28
Well, as near as I can tell, this has been nothing but you taking cheap shots over an honest accounting of an unusual incident.

We're done. Grow up.
 

1. What is the purpose of studying racism in rural towns?

The purpose of studying racism in rural towns is to gain a better understanding of how race and discrimination manifest in these communities, as well as to identify potential solutions for addressing and combating racism in these areas.

2. What are some common forms of racism in rural towns?

Some common forms of racism in rural towns include discrimination in housing, education, and employment opportunities, as well as hate crimes and acts of exclusion or isolation against people of color.

3. How does racism in rural towns differ from urban areas?

Racism in rural towns can differ from urban areas in terms of the demographics and cultural dynamics of the community, as well as the availability of resources and support systems for addressing issues of racism. Rural towns may also have a smaller population and less diversity, making it easier for racist attitudes and behaviors to go unchecked.

4. What are some factors that contribute to the prevalence of racism in rural towns?

Some factors that contribute to the prevalence of racism in rural towns include historical and systemic inequalities, lack of diversity and exposure to different cultures, and limited access to resources and opportunities for marginalized communities.

5. What can be done to address and combat racism in rural towns?

To address and combat racism in rural towns, it is important to raise awareness and educate the community about the impacts of racism, promote diversity and inclusion, and implement policies and initiatives that promote equity and equality for all residents. It is also crucial to have open and honest conversations about race and actively work towards creating a more inclusive and welcoming environment for all individuals.

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