- #1
Estrella Star
Hi everyone, I really need advice on this one, I would appreciate it tons.
Since my first experience in a relationships I learned what I wanted, when I met my current boyfriend I thought I had found exactly that, to me he is kind, loving, caring, honest, and made me feel safe. We always knew we were different, I am what some people would call "hippie" though I don't like to be stereotyped in any way, but I am very much into sustainability, freedom, human rights, I come from Chile which is a "third world" country where I see misery, poor, everyday. He is from a wealthy German family, conservative, capitalist, right winged, they demonise socialism or communism (not that I support this or any party in anyway) and have problems with immigration, and rarely encountered people in extreme situations, even though all this I stayed with him because he was great to me and I am still deeply in love, I felt he made me balance by biases.
Because of this, I stopped being so vocal about my points of view, to be "tolerant". I started to go to dinners with him and he introduced me to his family and his friends, I have had to sit on a table full of man making derogative jokes about woman, and talking about how they shared cigars over "casual racism" (I am not joking that they used this term), I have heard his mom and dad complain and blame the problems of Germany on to arabs, and all this things just make me hugely uncomfortable because even if I wanted to say something to them to educate them (which I tried) my comments would be seen as "you don't know anything because you are not from here".
The last fight we had was about a comic strip I posted on my facebook page, specifically this one:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/21890_904838696224154_6249844723504837591_n.jpg?oh=a229f9b400f45e01fa1fa0097b855a91&oe=56093D9D&__gda__=1439856030_c08a1bf55e3eaad7cd5081436aefbb1d
He told me he was upset by it, and I told him that my opinion is totally valid since I have seen racism in his circles with my own eyes (he has even admitted that his father's hunting buddies are racist), I told him that if he could tell me why I was so wrong about my point of view I was open to consider rethinking, he just avoided explaining to me anything with the same attitude "you don't know anything because you are not from here".
I though I could fix this, but he will not back down with his view. The first problem we had was about his business friends being disrespectful to me gathering around and making very hurtful jokes about commitment and marriage and womans roles, one of this guys (70 somethign years old) even told me when no one was listening that my boyfriend was only with me for the sex and that I am a gold digger. I told my boyfriend about how awful it made me feel how I thought this views where very destructive to our relationship, he said I was right and that he would be mindful the next time something like this happens, I have no problem with him being with this people, the problem starts when he starts to entertain this attitudes.
I though if I showed him my reasons to how I think he would understand, but now I am realising that his attachment to his dad and his upbringing make it impossible for him to generate his own view about the topics without being influences by the people around him (My family also has values which I don't connect to and I will not agree with things that don't feel right to me just because they are my family). After this I came to the conclusion that we have to brake up, he is able to live with us having different points of view, and told me on his side everything is ok and that he wanted to be with me, he made it clear that is was my decision to leave and that I should deal with it alone if that was what I am going to do.
So this gets me thinking, is it ok to be tolerant to racism, patriotism, and sexism? Is my love for him more important then the views I have used to shape my being?
This is hugely breaking my heart.
Since my first experience in a relationships I learned what I wanted, when I met my current boyfriend I thought I had found exactly that, to me he is kind, loving, caring, honest, and made me feel safe. We always knew we were different, I am what some people would call "hippie" though I don't like to be stereotyped in any way, but I am very much into sustainability, freedom, human rights, I come from Chile which is a "third world" country where I see misery, poor, everyday. He is from a wealthy German family, conservative, capitalist, right winged, they demonise socialism or communism (not that I support this or any party in anyway) and have problems with immigration, and rarely encountered people in extreme situations, even though all this I stayed with him because he was great to me and I am still deeply in love, I felt he made me balance by biases.
Because of this, I stopped being so vocal about my points of view, to be "tolerant". I started to go to dinners with him and he introduced me to his family and his friends, I have had to sit on a table full of man making derogative jokes about woman, and talking about how they shared cigars over "casual racism" (I am not joking that they used this term), I have heard his mom and dad complain and blame the problems of Germany on to arabs, and all this things just make me hugely uncomfortable because even if I wanted to say something to them to educate them (which I tried) my comments would be seen as "you don't know anything because you are not from here".
The last fight we had was about a comic strip I posted on my facebook page, specifically this one:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/21890_904838696224154_6249844723504837591_n.jpg?oh=a229f9b400f45e01fa1fa0097b855a91&oe=56093D9D&__gda__=1439856030_c08a1bf55e3eaad7cd5081436aefbb1d
He told me he was upset by it, and I told him that my opinion is totally valid since I have seen racism in his circles with my own eyes (he has even admitted that his father's hunting buddies are racist), I told him that if he could tell me why I was so wrong about my point of view I was open to consider rethinking, he just avoided explaining to me anything with the same attitude "you don't know anything because you are not from here".
I though I could fix this, but he will not back down with his view. The first problem we had was about his business friends being disrespectful to me gathering around and making very hurtful jokes about commitment and marriage and womans roles, one of this guys (70 somethign years old) even told me when no one was listening that my boyfriend was only with me for the sex and that I am a gold digger. I told my boyfriend about how awful it made me feel how I thought this views where very destructive to our relationship, he said I was right and that he would be mindful the next time something like this happens, I have no problem with him being with this people, the problem starts when he starts to entertain this attitudes.
I though if I showed him my reasons to how I think he would understand, but now I am realising that his attachment to his dad and his upbringing make it impossible for him to generate his own view about the topics without being influences by the people around him (My family also has values which I don't connect to and I will not agree with things that don't feel right to me just because they are my family). After this I came to the conclusion that we have to brake up, he is able to live with us having different points of view, and told me on his side everything is ok and that he wanted to be with me, he made it clear that is was my decision to leave and that I should deal with it alone if that was what I am going to do.
So this gets me thinking, is it ok to be tolerant to racism, patriotism, and sexism? Is my love for him more important then the views I have used to shape my being?
This is hugely breaking my heart.