Mike Holland said:
In my browsing around various science forums a have come across the comment that the gravity field becomes infinite at the event horizon. I have always thought that this is a misunderstanding, and that it only becomes infinite at the central singularity. Then I found this same statement in Novikov's book 'Evolution of the Universe'. Is this correct?
For a falling body, time dilation becomes infinite at the event horizon, so if gravity does too, we have an irresistible force meeting an immovable object , an old philosophical conundrum. Logic says these cannot both exist in the same universe. But the two effects may not approach infinity at the same rate, and this would affect the outcome. I would put my money on Time Dilation coming out tops, because I have this obsession that nothing happens when time stops.
Good news. The behavior of bodies at the event horizon can be computed with quantities that are finite and well-behaved.
Bad news. The quantities you insist on using, your particular notion of "gravity", and for that matter, time dilation, are not such quantities. So, any approach that insists on using these quantites must run into the dificuties that you have already noticed. The basic solution is simple - use different quantities, that are well behaved. But understanding these quntites and their relationship to what one can observe and the mental framework that one uses to analyze them is not a trivial undertaking.
There are many general approaches one might take to understand gravity, and black holes. While I'm rather fond of Baez's "The meaning of Einstein's equation",
https://arxiv.org/pdf/gr-qc/0103044.pdf, it might not be the best choice for you, however.
Additionally, with almost any approach, you're going to run into the difficulty of missing background. For instance, in Baez's paper above, he writes:
Before stating Einstein’s equation, we need a little preparation. We assume the reader is somewhat familiar with special relativity — otherwise general relativitywill be too hard.
It's worth reading some of the following statements Baez makes, about the nature of velocities in general relativity. If they seem confusing, it's a sign of some missing background. Baez tries hard, but I think he does use some background from manifolds and differential geometry that is probably not familiar to the reader that he doesn't mention, as well as more specific issues revolving around the need to understand special realtivity first, before attempting to tackle general relativity.
That's getting a bit off-topic, though. The main point is that by insisting on trying to understand things in terms of things that are not finite, you are dooming your effort to understand GR, no matter how attractive comfortable, familiar, and useful those familiar notions of "gravity" and "time dilation" seem to you.