An Amish boy and his father were visiting a
mall. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls
that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father, (never having seen an elevator),
responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like
this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching
wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled
up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and
the boy and his father watched small circles
of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up
in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old
woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother!!"
In a remote village in medieval France, there was a church with a tall bell tower, and they had a bell ringer who would ring the bell every Sunday to call the townsfolk to come to church.
However, their bell ringer was old, and one day, he died.
The church elders put out an ad in the local town crier for a new bell ringer. After interviewing many applicants, a man with no arms came and applied for the job. The elders asked him how he could ring the bell, since he had no arms to pull the rope. The man said "I'll show you!" and he went up to the top of the bell tower, ran three laps around the bell, and finally slammed face first into the bell.
Surprisingly, this didn't seem to hurt the man, and the bell sounded loud and clear, and it would certainly be a charitable act to employ this man who could do little else, so they hired him on the spot.
The armless man rang the bell faithfully for many months. Every Sunday, he would make his three laps around the bell and slam face first into the bell, calling the townsfolk to church.
That winter, on a cold, icy Sunday, a patch of ice formed in the bell tower. The man climbed to the top of the bell tower, and made one lap around the bell... made two laps around the bell... but on his third lap he slipped on the patch of ice and fell out of the tower, plummeting to his death.
Two peasants, Fred and George, happened to be walking by at the time. They came across the body and Fred ponders, "This man looks somehow familiar, do we know him George?" George responds, "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell!"
But wait, there's more!
The church, again without a bell ringer, puts out another ad in the local town crier. And surprisingly, another man with no arms applies for the job. The man demonstrates the same ability to ring the bell as the previous man, so the elders hired him, and advised him about the dangers of running in the bell tower in the winter.
This new man finished up the winter and spent a whole year faithfully doing his job ringing the bell every Sunday.
However, winter fell again, and the memory of the previous man had faded. Again, on a cold, icy, wintry Sunday, the man slips on a patch of ice, plummeting to his death.
As luck would have it, Fred and George happened to be strolling by at this very time and come across the body. Fred wonders, "George, do we know this man?" George answers, "I'm not sure, but he's a dead ringer for that guy we saw last year!"
A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex. After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.
"Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired. "Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"
Ben had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress.
He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once
a month; otherwise it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his
door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come... About 5:00..."
"Great," said Ben, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said, "Gotta warn ya...There's gonna
be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," said Ben. "after 25 years in business, I can drink with
the best of em."
Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fightin' too! ."
Ben said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," said Ben, warming to the idea. "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stopped in the door again and said,"Whatever you want. Just gonna
be the two of us."
Everyday after work at the observatory an astrophysicist goes to the local bar to have a beer. One night, the bartender, a big burly guy named Gus, asks, "So, what do you do up there?" The Doc replies, "I study novas." "What are they?", asks Gus. So the Doc explains that they are exploding stars. He then asks Gus, "So Gus, if you found out that the sun was going to go nova in ten minutes, what would you do?" "Well Doc", Gus replies, "I'd grab the nearest thing moving and f*** the sh** out of it! What would you do Doc?" The astrophysicist replies, "I'd remain perfectly still."