Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

 

[jack action]

Boss: «How come I always have to look all over the workplace when I want to see you?»

Employee: «Don't you always say that good employees are hard to find?»

 

[Keith_McClary]

THE ONION

WASHINGTON—Announcing they were understaffed and needed all citizens to pitch in, NASA confirmed Monday that everyone in the country would need to take an hour-long shift looking out for asteroids headed toward Earth. “We don’t have enough astronomers on hand to always be watching the night skies for planet-destroying asteroids, so all of you are going to be assigned a time to help keep watch,” said NASA chief scientist James Green, explaining that he had been forced to crowdsource the work to the American populace after none of the temps sent over by a local employment agency had worked out. “All 318 million of you should be receiving an email with your scheduled patrol. If you can’t make your time slot, that’s fine, but you must find someone to cover for you. All you have to do is keep your eyes peeled for a huge, fiery asteroid on a collision course with Earth. On the off chance you do catch a glimpse of an enormous fireball coming our way, just yell real loud and we’ll send someone over to help.” Following reports of an unknown object hurtling through the atmosphere, NASA added a bunker-digging shift for every American.

 

[BillTre]

 

[phinds]

Howling wolf. We need the howling wolf icon!

 

[jtbell]

"Honey, don't you think we should look for a bigger place before the ducklings arrive?"

 

[Keith_McClary]

"Honey, don't you think we should look for a bigger place before the ducklings arrive?"

No problem.

 

[phinds]

Those ducks look SO proud of their brood.

 

[davenn]

yup

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

Those ducks look SO proud of their brood.

...or else those geese are insulted you're calling their goslings ducklings.

 

[wrobel]

text: you won't go anywhere in such a look, young lady

 

[jack action]

There are roughly 4200 religions. But there is only one flying spaghetti monster.

Don't be fooled by impastas.

 

[jack action]

- Doctor, when will we see the end of the COVID-19 pandemic?

- I don't know. I don't know much about politics.

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[nuuskur]

After seeing the doctor, the patient is waiting for the elevator thinking to himself: "Wait, what was it? Aquarius? No, Pisces, perhaps." Can't figure it out, walks back to the doctor's office and asks: "Hey, doc, was it Pisces?" The doctor looks at him and says: "No, sir, you have Cancer."

 

[jtbell]

A guy phones in an order of pizza for delivery.

Customer: "That'll be one large super supreme, please."

Clerk: "Would you like it cut into six or eight pieces?"

Customer: "Better make it six. I don't think I could manage to eat eight."

 

[Borg]

My wife knows that trick. She will tell me that I can have three pieces and then cuts it into smaller slices each time.

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Keith_McClary]

Moderately Confused by Jeff Stahler for August 24, 2020

 

[jack action]

My friend got a degree in egyptology, but can't get a job. So he's spending more money to get a PhD, such that he can work teaching other people egyptology.

In his case, college is literally a pyramid scheme.

 

[DrClaude]

A guy phones in an order of pizza for delivery.

Customer: "That'll be one large super supreme, please."

Clerk: "Would you like it cut into six or eight pieces?"

Customer: "Better make it six. I don't think I could manage to eat eight."

That's a Yogiism. But as Yogi Berra said himself,

I never said most of the things I said.

 

[Ibix]

But as Yogi Berra said himself,

I never said most of the things I said.

Related: eventually, all witticisms and pithy observations will be attributed to Mark Twain.

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

To all teachers out there, a new cheating method to watch for:

 

[BillTre]

 

[Vanadium 50]

Can't argue with that logic.

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[Fervent Freyja]

I found this today. I’m going to do it.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

Greg
Kentucky
3029

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[jtbell]

Two guys walk into a bar.

Guy #1: "I'll have some H₂O."

Guy #2: "I'll have some H₂O, too."

They both down their drinks and guy #2 dies.

 

[Bandersnatch]

Two guys walk into a bar.

Guy #1: "I'll have some H2O."

Guy #2: "I'll have some H2O, too."

They both down their drinks and guy #2 dies.

'And here's a fiver for some H2O for you, barkeep!'
Barkeep is buried in a lead coffin.

 

[jack action]

'And here's a fiver for some H2O for you, barkeep!'
Barkeep is buried in a lead coffin.

I didn't know about that chemical (although I could imagine it had to do with radioactive material), so I did a little search on the web for it. The first match was a water store. I guess they like the play on words but didn't know that the chemical really exists:

 

[jack action]

Did you hear about the band called 1023MB?

They're good, but they haven't got a gig yet.

 

[davenn]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

[mfb]

Uranium dioxideperoxide
It's a solid with only mild radioactivity (for reasonable uranium isotopes).

 

[etotheipi]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

I heard that 100% of people who drink water die

 

[fresh_42]

I heard that 100% of people who drink water die

What is water? Is that this thing which is sold in bottles with the note: for external use only?

 

[etotheipi]

Is that this thing which is sold in bottles with the note: for external use only?

I believe that's ketchup. But warning labels are sure important:

 

[BillTre]