Collection of Lame Jokes

[anyonebutangel]

I've seen a lot of lights flashing, but could never hear the chant.

now that is humour!

 

[jtbell]

How does a wild boar capture its prey?

By backing it into a corner and talking it to death.

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

 

[davenn]

Fencing is the ultimate COVID-19 sport.
You wear a mask, gloves and if anyone gets within 6 feet, you stab them.

 

[etotheipi]

 

[etotheipi]

 

[etotheipi]

 

[nuuskur]

I mean, how do you argue against that? :D

 

[Keith_McClary]

xkcd

 

[phinds]

Very long, but hilarious (I think this was a Dave Barry humor article that I copied years ago)

READ THIS FIRST​

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you will undoubtedly destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancée, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"

* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) Earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

 

[davenn]

Tried a new item on the menu, the Pelican burger...
It was lovely, but the bill was enormous.

 

[Ibix]

Tried a new item on the menu, the Pelican burger...
It was lovely, but the bill was enormous.

You should try canary burgers - they were going cheep.

 

[fresh_42]

I had a turtle burger lately. It took hours until it was served.

 

[davenn]

Somebody stole my thesaurus.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.

 

[strangerep]

It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

That reminds me of the final lines of a John Denver song:

[...]
And here's to the dogs of Toledo, Ohio
Ladies, we bid you goodbye!

... which (reportedly) led to him being bashed up in Toledo Ohio when he was foolish enough to visit.

 

[davenn]

Genie - You get 3 wishes

Me - I wish you were bad at math

Genie - you only have 14 more wishesthat could have back fired

 

[jtbell]

[...]
And here's to the dogs of Toledo, Ohio

When my undergraduate roommate traveled back and forth from his home town on holiday, he had to change buses in Toledo. He said, "I spent a week in Toledo one afternoon."

 

[davenn]

~Enter new password...
- 'chicken'...
~Password must contain at least one capital
- 'chicken kiev'... ... lost in translation, me thinks

 

[jack action]

Imagine you miss a payment on a Tesla and it drives itself back to the dealership.

 

[jtbell]

An abbot talks about the economics of the manuscript-copying operations at his monastery:

"The monks are pretty cheap. The ink is where they really get you."

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[russ_watters]

 

[mfb]

You can save even more fuel by sending them to the Moon.

Or send them to a Jupiter fly-by, from there you can go to the Sun or leave the Solar System without additional fuel.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[jtbell]

From the FAQ list of Bjarne Stroustrup, the creator of the C++ programming language:

How do you pronounce "Bjarne Stroustrup?"
It can be difficult for non-Scandinavians. The best suggestion I have heard yet was "start by saying it a few times in Norwegian, then stuff a potato down your throat and do it again :-)"

[note: Stroustrup is Danish.]

 

[jack action]

Ran when parked. Photon beams still work. Captains bridge needs work but doors still swoosh. Best offer. Call 555-5555

 

[strangerep]

From the FAQ list of Bjarne Stroustrup, the creator of the C++ programming language:

[note: Stroustrup is Danish.]

Heh, heh, this takes me back.

That was one of the first questions I asked Bjarne when I met him in person way back in the late 1980's. He patiently pronounced it for me a few times, but I still couldn't get it quite perfect.

These days, learning correct pronunciations is easier:

 

[Borg]

I learned today that we all have Schrodinger's Virus:

• If you aren't tested, you can't know whether you have the virus or not.
• You have to act as if you have the virus so that you don't spread it to others.
• You have to act as if you don't have the virus because if you don't have it, you're not immune.
• If you get tested, the observation collapses you into a single state. *
• Therefore, you both have and don't have the virus.

* Not taking into account false positives and negatives.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Imagine you miss a payment on a Tesla and it drives itself back to the dealership.

How do you know and be sure that it can't happen anytime anyway, even if you don't miss a payment?! ...
[And, even in any case, how can you even ever be and rest asure everytime you lock the keys and go upstairs that you'll find it in the morning?! ... Lol]

 

[mfb]

Once fully self-driving cars are a thing, expect many people to not buy/own a car any more. Cheaper and more convenient to just call one when you need it.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Once fully self-driving cars are a thing, expect many people to not buy/own a car any more. Cheaper and more convenient to just call one when you need it.

Very true and good point. But then, these will be taxis (taxi cabs) [but self- driving; what's the difference if it's a taxi?! ...]. Don't we have those already?! So, what you're saying is in fact already happening! ... [Maintaing a car (etc.) is getting more and more expensive and impractical! ...]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Once fully self-driving cars are a thing, expect many people to not buy/own a car any more. Cheaper and more convenient to just call one when you need it.

Also, yeah!, a "cloud", swarm of them will just be out there anytime just hanging out (and having fun)! ... Lol
[So we better keep them busy! ...]

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

 

[DrClaude]

View attachment 269342

There is a series of books with Sir Cumference as a character. Very good math books for kids.
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=sir+cumf...VXCP&sprefix=sir+c,aps,245&ref=nb_sb_ss_i_4_5

 

[Ibix]

And if you need to find anything on the web, Sir Chenjin is very helpful.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Still strong fanatic quarantine lovers never give up (quarantine or not) ... they always still send SMS to themselves everytime they go out! ... ...

 

[davenn]

Don't mess with the elderly !

+

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500".
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $2,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “My apologies Ma'am, you have $5 million in your account and our bank doesn't have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $250,000.
"Well, please let me have $250,000 now", she requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.
The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $249,500 back into her account.

Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.

 

[jtbell]

For some reason, today I happened to think about the Broward County Performing Arts Center in Fort Lauderdale FL, where my parents lived after they retired. We occasionally went to concerts there. One of the major donors was a large national trash-collection company which had offices in that city, so the second level overlooking the main lobby was emblazoned with the title:

WASTE MANAGEMENT MEZZANINE

I wonder how many people went up there looking for the restrooms?

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

I would have chosen him:

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

If life gives melons, you may be dyslexic.

 

[Whipley Snidelash]

Famous Last Words…

…your wife’s mother-in-law - I have a wonderful recipe for this, would you like me to give it to you?

…on a frozen lake - it must be safe, it hardly cracks at all when I step on it.

…on a glacier - that looks safe, it's barely a crack, we’ll cross there.

…on an alien world - oh, isn’t that cute, I wonder if it’s friendly…here boy, hungry?

…in space - That’s strange, let’s move in for a closer look.

…near a black hole - I can’t see anything, let’s move in for a closer…

Probably TOO lame

 

[Whipley Snidelash]

“Look, one of the three pyramids is opening up.”
“Which one?”
“The one with the ever widening doorway.”
-Firesign Theatre

also too lame

 

[davenn]

Back in the 1980's, in Canada, there was a Chinese cooking show called "Wok with Yan".
The host was a man named Stephen Yan. Every show he started, he always wore an apron with a "wok" pun on it.
They included:
Wok & Roll
Wokking My Baby Back Home
Danger, Men at Wok
Wok Around the Clock
Wok the Heck
You Are Wok You Eat
Wok Goes up Must Come Down
Wok's New, Pussycat?
Wokkey Night in Canada
Stuck Between a Wok and a Hard Place
Raiders of The Lost Wok
Moon Wok
Jailhouse Wok
Over Wok, Under Pay
Wok Me to the Church On Time
Woksy Ladies
Wok-A-Doodle-Doo
Wok Me Amadeus