Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[Keith_McClary]

Can't copy cartoon, but worth a click:
https://www.gocomics.com/rabbitsagainstmagic/2020/07/24

 

[WWGD]

Your Honor please do not send me to the scaffold

Gallows?

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

Pharaoh's kids didn't know that someday their daddy will be a mummy.

 

[sysprog]

Pharaoh's kids didn't know that someday their daddy will be a mummy.

$\cdots$ only to preserve, not to expend, the royal DNA $\cdots$

 

[etotheipi]

 

[davenn]

I thought about making a fake ID...
but that’s just not who I am...

 

[davenn]

No wonder my guitar frets. It’s strapped, wound up, and always picked on.

 

[davenn]

Never date a tennis player, because love means nothing to them.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

Corn teen yourself means to wheat at home even if you're only barley sick.

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 266960​

They are extremely hazardous! Responsible people wear one of those:

 

[jack action]

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It's an extremely rare dish order.

 

[jack action]

Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.

 

[jack action]

Wife : You spent our entire life savings on dogs!

Husband : They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us.

 

[mfb]

Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.

No matter what you do, you'll spell it incorrectly.

A strange word. The only winning move is not to play write the word.

 

[WWGD]

Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.

I have a strong Achilles heal. My Achilles heal is not my Achilles heal ( Besides, it belongs to Achilles to start with).

 

[DrGreg]

Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.

I disagree. The word "left", when spelled "right", is also spelled incorrectly.

 

[fresh_42]

I disagree. The word "left", when spelled "right", is also spelled incorrectly.

And "wrong".

 

[Borg]

What if right is spelled wrong?

 

[jack action]

I disagree. The word "left", when spelled "right", is also spelled incorrectly.

Isn't this true for all words except "right"?

 

[fresh_42]

Isn't this true for all words except "right"?

Not even for write.

 

[Ibix]

Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.

Wrong.

 

[Ibix]

Not even for write.

So you're saying that if you write write right, you don't write write right. But if you write write wrong then you do write write wrong? However, if you write right right you write right right, and if you write right wrong you also write right wrong. Right?

 

[Ibix]

A strange word. The only winning move is not to play write the word.

How about a nice game of Scrabble?

 

[fresh_42]

So you're saying that if you write write right, you don't write write right. But if you write write wrong then you do write write wrong? Right?

Except if ...

How about a nice game of Scrabble?

Not today. Since I have read to abseil a few hours ago I'm totally confused.

 

[Ibix]

Not today. Since I have read to abseil a few hours ago I'm totally confused.

A perfectly good English word, just like to rappel.

 

[fresh_42]

A perfectly good English word, just like to rappel.

I read it in its literal context about a rescued dog, but I wonder whether it's also used as we normally use it in everyday language for "to leave early"?

 

[russ_watters]

I'm not sure if this counts as a joke or not, but here's Abbott and Costello and Covid:

Costello: I just want to know who’s up next for the Phillies.
Abbott: The Blue Jays.
Costello: When?
Abbott: Friday.
Costello: In Toronto?
Abbott: No, the Blue Jays are playing their home games in Buffalo this season.
Costello: So the game is in Buffalo?
Abbott: No, it’s in Philly.
Costello: So the Phillies are the home team?
Abbott: No, they’re the road team.

https://www.inquirer.com/phillies/phillies-covid-19-scheduling-quirks-20200728.html

 

[jtbell]

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

 

[jack action]

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[Keith_McClary]

Found a the bottom of a webpage:

You Might Also Like:
5 reasons why you’re probably procrastinating more right now

I bookmarked it to read later.

 

[Keith_McClary]

Moderately Confused by Jeff Stahler for July 31, 2020

 

[etotheipi]

 

[fresh_42]

If this is funny to you, I have an advice for life which you should definitely follow:
Do not drink with Russian men or British women!

 

[wrobel]

http://www.tylervigen.com/spurious-correlations

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

To the delight of Gary Larson's dyslexic friends, the back side is far.

 

[Auto-Didact]

A mathematician has spent ten years trying to prove the Riemann hypothesis. Finally, he decides to sell his soul to the devil in exchange for a proof. The devil promises to deliver a proof in four weeks. Half a year later, the devil shows up again - in a rather gloomy mood. "I'm sorry", he says. "I couldn't prove the hypothesis either. But" - and his face lightens up - "I think I found a really interesting lemma..."

 

[Keith_McClary]

Most of these are really lame, but some are funny.
Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich for May 13, 2020

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ibix]