Collection of Lame Jokes

[YoungPhysicist]

Water is the most dangerous substance in the world, here is why:
Everyone who drank it eventually died

 

[mfb]

I don't know if anyone had posted this one since this is post #4798, but the he one is quite nice

Well, you can find it under "a few" posts, including this one. I put it in my signature several years ago.

 

[Psinter]

Can you calculate how much time will go by before an opening big enough is created so that you can pass them by? No. You cannot. Whatever math you use, it will not be representative of reality. They will continue driving in near parallel formation for the next hour and you will be stuck behind them for forever.

 

[BillTre]

 

[Demystifier]

How many legs does a horse have? Eight. Two on the front, two on the back, two one the left and two on the right.

 

[YoungPhysicist]

How many legs does a horse have? Eight. Two on the front, two on the back, two one the left and two on the right.

I can't get it

 

[Ibix]

How many legs does a horse have?

It has two legs at the back and forelegs at the front making a total of six. Since six is an odd number of legs for a horse to have but is an even number, and the only number that is both even and odd is infinity, it is clear that horses have an infinite number of legs.

 

[Demystifier]

I can't get it

You will get it when you get calculus and QCD.

 

[Ibix]

I can't get it

As I understand it, a lot of the difficulty in doing theoretical physics comes in making sure that you've accounted for all relevant effects once and once only. The "mistake" @Demystifier made is a trivial example - he "hasn't realized" that the set of left legs and the set of front legs overlap.

Count the legs on this Assyrian statue
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamassu#/media/File:Winged_Human-headed_Bulls.JPG

 

[YoungPhysicist]

You will get it when you get calculus and QCD.

Wow. Thanks

 

[YoungPhysicist]

Count the legs on this Assyrian statue
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamassu#/media/File:Winged_Human-headed_Bulls.JPG

To me, it has five legs.

 

[Demystifier]

As I understand it, a lot of the difficulty in doing theoretical physics comes in making sure that you've accounted for all relevant effects once and once only. The "mistake" @Demystifier made is a trivial example - he "hasn't realized" that the set of left legs and the set of front legs overlap.

Yes, and here is an actual physical example: Paradox: Electron Radiates in a Gravitational Field

 

[Ibix]

To me, it has five legs.

Yes, because one of its front legs is shown twice, once on the front and once on the side. I gather it was a convention when representing things with this kind of relief carving on two sides of a block. But it's a nice illustration of Demystifier's joke in the real world.

 

[mfb]

If you are done with counting legs, can you please assemble this and tell me how many legs the upper right part has?

 

[YoungPhysicist]

If you are done with counting legs, can you please assemble this and tell me how many legs the upper right part has?

View attachment 230016

Those nuts have some serious problems

 

[mfb]

Yeah, they are completely nuts.

 

[Ibix]

If you are done with counting legs, can you please assemble this and tell me how many legs the upper right part has?

I showed it to my son who concluded that there were three at the left and two at the right, hence five. I promise I hadn't discussed Demystifier's horse joke with him.

Edit: as to assembling it - paging @davenn, whose friend built an impossible triangle.

 

[fresh_42]

"Hello! I want to sign a contract for next year"
"This is a pizzeria. The gym is on the first floor."
"I know."

 

[Stavros Kiri]

If you are done with counting legs, can you please assemble this and tell me how many legs the upper right part has?

View attachment 230016

No. We're done counting legs! ...

View attachment 230001

Can you calculate how much time will go by before an opening big enough is created so that you can pass them by? No. You cannot. Whatever math you use, it will not be representative of reality. They will continue driving in near parallel formation for the next hour and you will be stuck behind them for forever.

That's why teleportation needs to be discovered! ...

 

[jtbell]

"Hello! I want to sign a contract for next year"
"This is a pizzeria. The gym is on the first floor."
"I know."

Does the contract set a requirement on the pizzeria or on you?

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Does the contract set a requirement on the pizzeria or on you?

You see, we don't know. All he said was that he knows that the gym is on the first floor ...

 

[mfb]

"What I would like to have in the contract: Every time my wife calls from this number and I am at your place, please answer the phone with 'Gym x' and confirm that I am there."

 

[Stavros Kiri]

"What I would like to have in the contract: Every time my wife calls from this number and I am at your place, please answer the phone with 'Gym x' and confirm that I am there."

Ah! That takes care of it, I guess. That explains it. Sounds like a contract (+ the minimum pizza requirements [should be met] etc.).

 

[fresh_42]

I'll sleep outside tonight.

Spoiler

23457 mosquitoes liked it
4835 mosquitoes commented it
594 mosquitoes shared it
1 mosquito created an event
16945 mosquitoes will come
13 don't know yet

 

[Ibix]

I'll sleep outside tonight.

Spoiler

23457 mosquitoes liked it
4835 mosquitoes commented it
594 mosquitoes shared it
1 mosquito created an event
16945 mosquitoes will come
13 don't know yet

As seen on ProboscisBook?

 

[fresh_42]

As seen on ProboscisBook?

Nope. Translated from a German joke site. Unfortunately most of their puns are playing with language and cannot be translated.

Edit: I liked it for its more or less disguised criticism of fb.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I'll sleep outside tonight.

Spoiler

23457 mosquitoes liked it
4835 mosquitoes commented it
594 mosquitoes shared it
1 mosquito created an event
16945 mosquitoes will come
13 don't know yet

Grand total: 45845 (symmetric)
If you catch them all they probably make "an unhappy meal". Any fries with that?

 

[YoungPhysicist]

 

[jedishrfu]

I read a lame one recently on a local billboard

According to Chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

 

[YoungPhysicist]

The cat is outdated!
Schrödinger's phone:

You can't tell if the screen is intacted or not until you pick it up