REAL girl trouble i feel horrible

[nsimmons]

Like Astronuc... I think your advice is the most valuable that I've gotten. I don't want to ignore her and let her come after me, I want to work things out as a couple.

No!

She called, eventually,

GOOD!

If I ignore her and let her come to me she will walk...she will think "I don't wnat a relationship with somebody who doesn't care about me". Yes? No?

NO NO NO!

A woman is an emotional creature you must keep her swimming in emotions good or bad.
You want her to think she has to work to keep you. You must realize she probably doesn't want a long term relationship anyway, but if you keep her on her toes with a challenge it will be interesting and she'll hang around. No wonder she's been distant, she's BORED with you.

You must always be a challenge, you must make it her job to 'win' you. You are the prize, you must always present a challenge for her.

If she's not willing to try a little to keep you, you think she is going to want to hang around for the long term. Better to have her decide now than after 2 years of you struggling to hold it together to have her leave anyway.

 

[rocketboy]

A woman is an emotional creature you must keep her swimming in emotions good or bad.
You want her to think she has to work to keep you. You must realize she probably doesn't want a long term relationship anyway, but if you keep her on her toes with a challenge it will be interesting and she'll hang around. No wonder she's been distant, she's BORED with you.

You must always be a challenge, you must make it her job to 'win' you. You are the prize, you must always present a challenge for her.

If she's not willing to try a little to keep you, you think she is going to want to hang around for the long term. Better to have her decide now than after 2 years of you struggling to hold it together to have her leave anyway.

I think you are right. i think she IS bored of me. But man... last night I left her at the table to go party with some friends, and I look back and she's having fun talking to the girl beside her! The thought that I didn't care she wasn't with me didn't bother her, or maybe that is just because I had already told her at that point I wanted to be with her that night...

hmm...what if I invited her to the movies with a bunch of friends of mine, and then got my friend Cat to flirt with me the whole time?

damnt i hate doing that...it's so... sleezy... but at teh same time...my gf wud prolly eat it up, maybe it would become a competition between the two, maybe she would try to flirt with me more than my friend. THEN i don't call her for a couple days, wait for her to call me. let her think I don't need her and that maybe I've been talking to other ppl.

MAN but i HATE playing games... I'm trying to think how I kept her interested the first 4 months...I don't think I"VE changed...

 

[Omega_6]

Like Astronuc... I think your advice is the most valuable that I've gotten. I don't want to ignore her and let her come after me, I want to work things out as a couple.



I have tried letting ehr come after me, I said above how she has been distant the past month, not calling, even when she said she would. I ignored it, I didn't call her even though every inch of my body was twitching to pick up that phone. She called, eventually, but it wasn't as if she came running after me. If I ignore her and let her come to me she will walk...she will think "I don't wnat a relationship with somebody who doesn't care about me". Yes? No?

EDIT: she is a teenage girl...but she is very mature, more mature than many young adults I have met, and I have been told by many that I am as well.

She may be 'mature' in some ways, but being so young she is definitely not emotionally mature. I went through a similar (eerily similar) situation last year and I thought that I was in love as well. Eventually I decided to tell her that we needed a break. A couple of days later she was all ready to work things back out, and at first I thought that is what I wanted to do as well. The next day though (when we were supposed to meet), I told her that it was over. I felt horrible for about a week, but after that, I realized how much that relationship for the last month was emotional torture. I was finally able to resume being happy as an individual, and was not depending on someone else for happiness. This relationship made my other relationships much easier to deal with. It was a lesson.

 

[rocketboy]

you know what...i was just thinking. one of my best friends has this gf, she's all over him all the time. and its funny, because he never calls her, she always calls him, he never asks her to hang out, she is always asking him to hang out. and he TRULY acts as if he woldn't give a rats ass if she left him, all the time, but when they are together he treats her right, but she knows that he can do without her.

 

[rocketboy]

She may be 'mature' in some ways, but being so young she is definitely not emotionally mature. I went through a similar (eerily similar) situation last year and I thought that I was in love as well. Eventually I decided to tell her that we needed a break. A couple of days later she was all ready to work things back out, and at first I thought that is what I wanted to do as well. The next day though (when we were supposed to meet), I told her that it was over. I felt horrible for about a week, but after that, I realized how much that relationship for the last month was emotional torture. I was finally able to resume being happy as an individual, and was not depending on someone else for happiness. This relationship made my other relationships much easier to deal with. It was a lesson.

Funny, I was just thinking of a similar idea...to go on a "break" and let her come after me. But the thing is, I don't think she would come back, now what does taht say about our relationship? If she wants me she'll come back right? And if she doesn't care we're on a break...then well it is obvious that she isn't into me, and why am I in the relationship?

 

[Astronuc]

Rocketboy, don't play games!

Needless to say, I disagree with everything nsimmons recommends.

Playing games is simply disrespectful.


Not wanting to throw a damper on you, but you must be prepared to part with your girlfriend. I certainly don't know her or what's on her mind, but it occurred to me that she could have acted the way she did in order to prompt you to break up. In that way, the responsibility for the breakup is yours not hers. On the other hand, that may not be the situation.

If you see her, in addition to telling her that you love her, you could say that you don't want to lose her, but that if she feels she needs the break off your relationship, then let her do that without hard feelings. You can certainly indicate that you will be around if she changes her mind.

Sorry that this is terribly confusing, but that's the way relationships are some times. Couples often struggle with competing needs, and individuals often struggle with their own needs - even with defining one's own needs.

Hope for the best, but be prepared to let her go without hard feelings. The parting, if if happens, may only be temporary.

 

[Cyrus]

I think you are right. i think she IS bored of me. But man... last night I left her at the table to go party with some friends, and I look back and she's having fun talking to the girl beside her! The thought that I didn't care she wasn't with me didn't bother her, or maybe that is just because I had already told her at that point I wanted to be with her that night...

hmm...what if I invited her to the movies with a bunch of friends of mine, and then got my friend Cat to flirt with me the whole time?

damnt i hate doing that...it's so... sleezy... but at teh same time...my gf wud prolly eat it up, maybe it would become a competition between the two, maybe she would try to flirt with me more than my friend. THEN i don't call her for a couple days, wait for her to call me. let her think I don't need her and that maybe I've been talking to other ppl.

MAN but i HATE playing games... I'm trying to think how I kept her interested the first 4 months...I don't think I"VE changed...

Mmmmmmmmmm, yeah. Bad Idea. Very immature.

As for nsimmons, you read too many magazines on relationships buddy. .

The fact that you two already contemplated it would end by summer means you had no hope in hell of continuing your relationship.

 

[nsimmons]

Youre finally leaning. I know it hurts and you feel bad and games arent fun, but when you realize women wrote the rules a long time go and we have to play their game it becomes easier.

I speak from experience. I was like you, i thought like you and acted the way i thought they wanted me too. I even spent time trying to figure out how i used to act to have her interested in the first place. After a few long term relationships i finally clued in. It took a good 10 years.

Thats the first mistake, you haven't changed. You must always be changing, dynamic, exciting , mysterious. If you try to act like before its more of the same BORING!

I speak from a long term perspective. If you want her to hang around you must make her do the work. Dont be mean, don't make her jealous, just ignore here. Woman are attention whores ignoring her is the best approach. When she contacts you only accept 1/2 her invitiations and then have a blast when your with her, then ignore her again. Make up lies your busy your studying whatever just make her work to be in your life

That will prevent her from getting bored.

Right now though, don't rub her nose in what's been done. Its done its over leave it be, don't make her rehash any of it. Next time she wants to see you start fresh don't talk about it, be funny and then leave her be until she wants to see you again. Play hard to get, and grow some balls.

Thats my good deed for the day, I have to go now. I can promise you without a doubt if you don't become more interesting it'll be over before summer is.

Read that link, search for david diangelos double your dating system on google and memorize his rules

 

[nsimmons]

you know what...i was just thinking. one of my best friends has this gf, she's all over him all the time. and its funny, because he never calls her, she always calls him, he never asks her to hang out, she is always asking him to hang out. and he TRULY acts as if he woldn't give a rats ass if she left him, all the time, but when they are together he treats her right, but she knows that he can do without her.

DING DING DING!

This guy is your God, learn from him. Ignore everyones advice her. Youve witnessed with your own eyes what I've been telling you.

 

[nsimmons]

Mmmmmmmmmm, yeah. Bad Idea. Very immature.

As for nsimmons, you read too many magazines on relationships buddy. .

When was the last time any of you dated a teenage girl??

They are flaky, flighty, short attention-spanned emotional illogical creatures.

You cannot reason with them about this stuff, they are driven unconciously through emotion and attraction to find an alpha male.

Most of the advice her only applies to mature adults in mature relationships. This is not one. The crux of the issue was she wouldn't have fun with him at the prom. This is a big problem for a serious relationship. Nope.

And don't tell her you love her, she's not your wife, she should have to drag those words from you.

Guess what, you say i love you, there's no more challenge, she's 'won' you then what... adios.

 

[rocketboy]

Rocketboy, don't play games!

You are right, I can't believe I even considered it...

nsimmons, Astronuc is right, a relationship shouldn't be the result of games, it should be the connection between teh two people that matters. I think my gf and I have a very strong connection, it's just temporarily unavailable...?

Not wanting to throw a damper on you, but you must be prepared to part with your girlfriend. I certainly don't know her or what's on her mind, but it occurred to me that she could have acted the way she did in order to prompt you to break up. In that way, the responsibility for the breakup is yours not hers. On the other hand, that may not be the situation.

If you see her, in addition to telling her that you love her, you could say that you don't want to lose her, but that if she feels she needs the break off your relationship, then let her do that without hard feelings. You can certainly indicate that you will be around if she changes her mind.

Sorry that this is terribly confusing, but that's the way relationships are some times. Couples often struggle with competing needs, and individuals often struggle with their own needs - even with defining one's own needs.

Hope for the best, but be prepared to let her go without hard feelings. The parting, if if happens, may only be temporary.

...ya... i think the bolded in the quote above is very valuable advice... i hate the though of parting though...

The fact that you two already contemplated it would end by summer means you had no hope in hell of continuing your relationship.

That was a few months ago, when we were wondering what would happen next year. We weren't saying "it will probably end by summer" we were basically saying "we should keep in touch, but not feel tied down while apart" after I leave. Our final verdict was "we'll figure it out when the time comes"

The thought that we had no hope in hell hurts, I refuse to believe it.

goddamn... I'm going insane, I need to go for a walk.

 

[nsimmons]

foolish foolish little boy...

Check back with me in the fall and tell me all about her new boyfriend. Some have to learn the hard way. Its going to hurt.

You can certainly indicate that you will be around if she changes her mind.

Excellent advice.

"Sweetheart its ok if you want to bang a bunch of other guys, I can't do any better than you so I'll be here when you want to come back"

You think that'll work? If she wants a break you say indifferently "If that's what you want..."
Then you ignore her and make her miss you. And then you date ther people and dotn sit around like a fool waiting.

 

[nsimmons]

I just realized something.

You shouldn't even have a serious girlfriend at your age anyway. Go to college, chase every tail that you see when your 25 and have a decent job worry about it. Best advice period.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leykis_101


Im so worked up over the BAD advice given here most of it consisting of you acting like a chick. I must go now, my lady is coming over. Funny how my bad advice and lack of extravagant possessions attracts only smoking hot women?

 

[DaveC426913]

Funny how my bad advice and lack of extravagant possessions attracts only smoking hot women?

Yeah, he knows women. Listen to (Quagmire) oops I mean nsimmons.

 

[Cyrus]

That was a few months ago, when we were wondering what would happen next year. We weren't saying "it will probably end by summer" we were basically saying "we should keep in touch, but not feel tied down while apart" after I leave. Our final verdict was "we'll figure it out when the time comes"

"Keeping in touch" is not a relationship my friend. Basically, you both agreed it would end this summer and it did. Actually, if you decided that back then, you should have ended it then and there. Why would she want to go out with you if she knows you plan on "keeping in touch" after the summer?

As for nsimmons, you seem to like the type of woman that is stuck up, has low self esteem, is self centered, and plays guys left and right. I hope you mature to find yourself a better quality partner in life.

 

[FrogPad]

rocketboy:
Why would you ignore your girlfriend? Why would you go a month with little conversation?

Lets say you go to prom all over again with a different girl. Why would you not dance with her? Why would you blow her of and talk to one of her friends?

 

[rocketboy]

I just realized something.

You shouldn't even have a serious girlfriend at your age anyway. Go to college, chase every tail that you see when your 25 and have a decent job worry about it. Best advice period.

I'm not in it for sex. If I was then I would follow your advice and just go around hooking up with random chicks...trust me, it's been done. But that is not why I have a relationship, I have a relationship because I have feelings for this girl that I have never felt towards anybody before. Call me a kitty, tell me to have fun watching my girl bang a bunch of other guys, that's fine, but I don't want my relationship to be a game, I want it to be a relationship, and if it can't be that then I guess I don't want it.

"Keeping in touch" is not a relationship my friend. Basically, you both agreed it would end this summer and it did.

It's not over yet.

 

[rocketboy]

rocketboy:
Why would you ignore your girlfriend? Why would you go a month with little conversation?

Lets say you go to prom all over again with a different girl. Why would you not dance with her? Why would you blow her of and talk to one of her friends?

I wanted to dance with my gf, she didn't want to dance. I didn't blow her off and talk to one of her friends, she didn't have any friends there, she didn't go to my school she didn't know anybody except me and some of my friends she had met before.

 

[Moonbear]

She kinda brought this up when i asked her what was bothering her last night, she said "lately you have been telling me that I've been acting wierd" (this was after her rant on me assuming something was bothering her etc... see above post). I didn't know what to say, she has been acting wierd. I want to talk to her seriously about it, but she gets so defensive when I say anything like that toward her, another sign to me that somethign is up.

I haven't read any further than this, so it may have already been addressed. If she has gone so far as to comment on you telling her she's acting weird, but hasn't followed that up with any comments about not being sure about the relationship, etc, then there's a good chance there really isn't anything wrong with the relationship. If that was the problem, she'd have probably already spoke up about it not feeling right, or thinking about time apart, etc. It really could be simply that she's grown so comfortable with you that the infatuation phase of the relationship has passed, and she's comfortable just being totally herself, even if it means letting you see when she's tired and having a crappy day.

Of course, it's not going to help to tell her she's acting "weird." It might be worth the question you don't want to ask..."You seem distant lately; are things still okay with 'us'?"

You said you've both been very busy lately. It's entirely possible she really is just tired. She may still want to be with you, but just doesn't want to do anything, and is content to just sit side-by-side watching TV or reading quietly and not trying to plan things to do or places to go. Who knows, it might even be that she's just figuring out she cares as much about you as you care about her and is afraid of what's going to happen when you leave for U of T in the fall!

 

[FrogPad]

I wanted to dance with my gf, she didn't want to dance. I didn't blow her off and talk to one of her friends, she didn't have any friends there, she didn't go to my school she didn't know anybody except me and some of my friends she had met before.

Hey buddy I know this. I'm saying put yourself in her shoes.
Pretend you are her for a second. Why would YOU act the way she did?

Here. Pretend that you are her, and she is you. Pretend you are at prom and she wants to dance with you (like how you wanted to dance with her), and you tell her that you don't want to dance (like she did with you).
so...

Why would you ignore your girlfriend? Why would you go a month with little conversation?

Lets say you go to prom all over again with a different girl. Why would you not dance with her? Why would you blow her of and talk to one of her friends?

 

[rocketboy]

Hey buddy I know this. I'm saying put yourself in her shoes.
Pretend you are her for a second. Why would YOU act the way she did?

Here. Pretend that you are her, and she is you. Pretend you are at prom and she wants to dance with you (like how you wanted to dance with her), and you tell her that you don't want to dance (like she did with you).
so...

oh srry, misread it...too bad because i kinda liked reading it in ignorance better.

 

[Moonbear]

Women, 'talk things over' if you do her job in the relationship it will immasculate you in her eyes. You must act as an indifferent and let her do the emotional work. If you try to make it better it will backfire.

Logic and reason do not apply here. This is a young woman, whatever you think is the right thing to do DONT DO IT.

Hogwash!

Go do a dating forum and ask other men who know how the game is played.

Would that be the single men who can't get a date, or the ones who are there because they just broke up? Both the women and married men here are offering him some solid advice. You seem to have a pretty dim view of women, and it's not going to help him when he's trying to maintain a relationship with a lovely, intelligent lady.

 

[FrogPad]

:) sorry man, bad questions I know.

 

[Math Is Hard]

MAN but i HATE playing games...

Then definitely don't. Usually your gut instincts will tell you when something is the wrong thing to do.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Rocketboy, nsimmons knows his stuff.

Here's my quetion: have you slept with her yet, or tried to get things there? This "boredom" of the past month may well be due to her being ready for this and you not taking things there.

If you haven't, consider that you clearly passed the "goodness" tests: she knows your respectful and not a horndog, so that means you probably have the green light to pursue greater intimacies, but you have been sitting at the intersection idling.

This is personal stuff and you needen't respond to this post with any sensitive information, but consider what I said. I lost a great girlfriend once by not picking up on these signals and trying to remain in control of myself and respectful too long after she was over the need for me to prove I wasn't just trying to get laid.

 

[rocketboy]

Then definitely don't. Usually your gut instincts will tell you when something is the wrong thing to do.

While i was out for a walk I decided i'd end the relationship before resulting to playing mind games...thats not a relationship, I couldn't do that.

 

[rocketboy]

Rocketboy, nsimmons knows his stuff.

Here's my quetion: have you slept with her yet, or tried to get things there? This "boredom" of the past month may well be due to her being ready for this and you not taking things there.

If you haven't, consider that you clearly passed the "goodness" tests: she knows your respectful and not a horndog, so that means you probably have the green light to pursue greater intimacies, but you have been sitting at the intersection idling.

This is personal stuff and you needen't respond to this post with any sensitive information, but consider what I said. I lost a great girlfriend once by not picking up on these signals and trying to remain in control of myself and respectful too long after she was over the need for me to prove I wasn't just trying to get laid.

We are both virgins... it's been (very subtly) talked about, hinted at... I wanted to make sure she was ready so i left it alone, like I said before I'm not in the relationship for sex so its not as if I've been after that...i've just left it alone and if she is ready then it will happen... that's how I've thought of it, the last thing I want is for her to feel pressured into doing something she isn't ready for or does not want to do.

EDIT: perhap like you say though, she is waiting for that and I'm not picking up on the signals and losing her because of it. maybe I've idled to long.

 

[FrogPad]

games are necessary at first.

it sucks, but its true.

sometimes... on that rare rare occasion, you don't have to play them in the beginning, but that is so rare!

Now there are different levels of how many games you have to play. Some girls really like to play games, others say they don't... but they are there a little. It just depends on how you define playing the game. Giving someone a CD, flowers, a note, etc... is all part of the game.

 

[FrogPad]

Did you talk about it at all during prom?

 

[Moonbear]

I know relationships are 50-50...

That's not really always true. We like to think it's the case, and in a long-term relationship with someone, it probably all averages out in the end, but it's not always 50/50 all of the time. A good relationship is about either partner being there to give the extra effort when the other is going through a rough spell, knowing that you'd count on your partner to do the same if it happened the other way around. For example, people like to think the bills will all be split 50/50, you'll take turns making phone calls, you'll take turns choosing places to go on dates, etc., but it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes one is earning more than the other (or in a marriage, for example, one person gets laid off for a while) and the one earning more helps support the both of them, or pays for nicer dinners, or whatever. And, sometimes one person is more likely than the other to be the one to make the phone calls, even if you both like talking. Sometimes one person chooses the place to go more often, either because they have more of an opinion about it, or because they know more places, or because their the one who likes to be social while the other goes along for the ride on those things.

Something else just came to mind while thinking about that. Have you both been getting out to see your own friends, separate of one another? She could be feeling smothered or like she's just not getting enough time with her own friends while hanging out with you and your friends. For example, the prom was with all your classmates, and it's the first time in a while either of you has had time to go out. Maybe it's something as simple as she's missing her other friends too. I know that happens, especially in new relationships...all your focus is on seeing each other and doing stuff together that you forget about your other friends for a while. Once the novelty of the relationship is passed, you start thinking more about your other friends. Maybe you should suggest she invite some of her friends along next time you get together, or even suggest she go hang out with them without you if she hasn't gotten to see them in a while.