The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident"... These data are practically
meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience"... once
"In case after case"... twice
"In a series of cases"... thrice
"It is believed that"... I think.
"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. If someone told us that the chicken crossed that was good enough for us.
CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?
HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won't get to the other side?
FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?
THE C.I.A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define the word 'chicken'.
HOMER SIMPSON: mmmm Chicken.
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RULES FOR TAKING LEAVE SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness; If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year - they are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take there vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain the average figure; Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week
Management
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UNCLASSIFIED QANTAS FIXES
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log
S stands or the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
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Laser Eyes
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