Superficial Love: Examining My Feelings

[Danger]

You just made me laugh out loud I'll be using that one.

Thank you. <bows gracefully> My life is complete.

 

[BobG]

This is one of the problems I have with the idea of online dating. It's easy to "fall in love" with your image of the person, not with who the person really is. I had a similar experience. I had met a guy and gone on one date with him while I was home visiting family, and then continued to communicate by emails and an occasional phone call, and eventually he decided to take a trip out here to visit me. It was the same thing, he was going to spend a few days, and we agreed it was better he left early after the first day together. Well, there were other issues, but they came out a lot faster when I could talk face to face and sense when he wasn't being completely truthful, which I can't detect by email or over the phone as easily. But, then, it really isn't "love" at that stage, so if you want to call it superficial love, you could, but I think it's just lust or attraction. I know what love feels like, and I don't think you can communicate effectively enough online to get to that level of a relationship.

I think Moonbear hit on the key issue, except it applies as much to that initial 'crush' in person as it does on-line. If you only know so much about someone, it's natural to fill in the missing blanks based on your own background and experiences. When it turns out the missing blanks don't match what you expected, there's a tendency to feel like you've been lied to. Of course, the problem is identifying who lied to you.

 

[Evo]

Perhaps it was more of a "crush" than love? I'd have to say that I've had many crushes, but only been in love twice. Real love makes you physically ill if it doesn't go right.

I think with the first guy, you just lost your feelings for him as you learned more about his personality. In the second scenario, had you seen pictures of him before meeting?

I've never been disappointed in meeting someone in person that I've met "online". They always turned out to be exactly the same in person as far as personality goes. I think if you are observant enough, you can tell if someone isn't being "natural", they're bound to have slip ups.

It's always a bit strange meeting the "real" person after seeing only images, but I had video conferenced with the people I met first. I saw their facial expressions, body language and gestures, so it wasn't so different meeting them for real.

I know a lot of people that have met their "significant others" online.

 

[Danger]

I know a lot of people that have met their "significant others" online.

 

[franznietzsche]

I know a lot of people that have met their "significant others" online.

Must...resist urge...bash engineering majors...

 

[Math Is Hard]

I think with the first guy, you just lost your feelings for him as you learned more about his personality. In the second scenario, had you seen pictures of him before meeting?

I should clarify - both of those scenarios in my original post were hypothetical. (but the story about my friend and the woman he met in Florida was real).

I've had a lot of experiences like the first situation, though - immediate physical attraction, but the interest quickly fizzled.

I've only gone out with one guy I met on the internet and in all honesty he was every bit as handsome and charming and smart and fun as I had imagined. Unfortunately, he was slightly more married than I had imagined.

Que sera sera.

My friend was so convinced that his love was something real and enduring because it was based on their compatibility - but they weren't compatible enough to overcome lack of attraction to each other. From what I heard later on, they kinda both went 'ew!' and that was that. They had previously exchanged photos, so they had some idea of what each other looked like, but I guess things were still different when they met in person.

 

[franznietzsche]

They had previously exchanged photos, so they had some idea of what each other looked like, but I guess things were still different when they met in person.

Exchanging pictures from five years and 20 pounds ago will do that...

(i don't know if that's the case, just making a general observation on people and internet dating)

 

[Astronuc]

From common wisdom - Beauty is subjective, in the eye of the beholder, and is essentially skin deep - and that has been my experience. What's inside, i.e. what a person thinks, believes, feels, etc., is what really counts.

These might be of help - Leo Buscaglia is a great author, and if you have ever seen him, he is very insightful and very funny. Fromm also has some interesting insights.

Love: What Life is All About
Leo Buscaglia

This book is about love. What it is and what it isn't. It is about you—and about everybody who has ever reached out to touch the heart of another. Among many other lessons of the heart, Leo Buscaglia reminds us: Love is open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself.

Living, Loving & Learning
Leo Buscaglia, Steven Short (Editor)

To those who have heard him, it comes as no surprise that Leo Buscaglia is America's most beloved teacher of living and loving. Here, with his own uniquely enchanting mixture of love, charm, and wisdom, the bestselling author of Loving Each Other, The Art of Being Fully Human, and many more popular programs shares his blueprint for successful living.

Loving Each Other: The Challenge of Human Relationships
Leo Buscaglia

America's favorite teacher on love and life answers questions about the often difficult art of Loving Each Other. Whether it's a relationship with a friend, lover, wife, husband, son, or daughter -- Leo Buscaglia reveals the key qualities to making it loving, growing and lasting. Listen as he talks about:

Intimacy..."A simple caress has the potential of changing a whole life."

Honesty..."Only the truth can help us feel secure. Only the truth can bring us the necessary trust needed for long lasting relationships."

Happiness..."This is always a by-product of some feeling or action. We seldom come to terms with the idea that happiness is in us."

Forgiveness..."Love is the single greatest source of forgiveness."

Born for Love: Reflections on Loving
Leo Buscaglia, Daniel Kimber

The man who first brought love to the classroom offers a postgraduate course for people in every kind of relationship and for those who yearn for love. In powerful short takes, Leo Buscaglia turns the light of his wisdom on every facet of the priceless jewel of love and discusses: Love that is more than a comfort zone; Creating an "Us" without destroying the "Me;" The value of differences, and so much more. These challenging lessons in loving will enrich your life for as long as you live.

Personhood: The Art of Being Fully Human
Leo Buscaglia

In his warm, inviting, and inclusive, style, bestselling author Leo Buscaglia manages to bring a vision of the world together within his warm embrace. Sharing the stories of his travels and his encounters with people all over the world, Buscaglia reminds us that we are all people who have the potential to share ourselves with ourselves as well as others. A lover of life and people, Buscaglia's insight into our hearts and souls, his reassurance as to our essential good natures, is a much-needed reminder of our connectedness to one and all.

Born for Love: Reflections on Loving
Leo Buscaglia, Daniel Kimber (Editor)

This is a book of one-page contemplations that describe how love can offer alternatives to frustration, loneliness, and fear, offering viable ways to incorporate love into the many facets of our lives.

Art of Loving
Erich Fromm

Fromm recasts love in terms of self-awareness and cultivation of one's own capacity for loving in all its aspects, advocating a type of loving that is "conscientious and courageous."

To Have Or To Be?
Erich Fromm

To Have Or To Be? is regarded as one of the seminal books of the second half of the 20th century. This book is a summary of the penetrating thought of Erich Fromm. His thesis is that two modes of existence are struggling for the spirit of humankind: the having mode; and the being mode. Fromm explains why the having mode is taking the world to the brink of psychological and ecological disaster.

 

[Danger]

Beauty is subjective, in the eye of the beholder, and is essentially skin deep

In the immortal words of Fred Sanford (Redd Foxx): "Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.

 

[Moonbear]

I've only gone out with one guy I met on the internet and in all honesty he was every bit as handsome and charming and smart and fun as I had imagined. Unfortunately, he was slightly more married than I had imagined.

Just slightly, huh? Then again, some get away with that for quite a while in person too, though if you live close enough to try to plan more spontaneous activities, it becomes apparent much sooner when they suddenly have strange reasons not to meet you in certain places at certain times.

 

[Evo]

Exchanging pictures from five years and 20 pounds ago will do that...

(i don't know if that's the case, just making a general observation on people and internet dating)

I love this cartoon. (that's me in the bunny slippers, btw)

 

[SOS2008]

I think men are more honest to admit that physical attraction is important. And if a woman is honest she'd say that it's also important for her to be attracted physically to a guy along with personality, etc... But as far as men wanting the 10, that's a generalized statement. Beauty is subjective to each one, I don't find J-Lo to be attractive or beautiful, whereas my friend does.

I agree that men are more honest about the importance of physical appearance--maybe because a lady isn't supposed to be the aggressor, and why women check men out, just more discreetly?

What I was trying to convey is that women tend to be more realistic about physical expectations. If we aren't Miss Universe, we don't expect to attract Mr. Universe. How many times have you seen some guy hit on a woman who's out of his league, versus the other way around?

 

[SOS2008]

I don't like skinny girls, to me J-lo looks like an ugly stick bug. I like my women with a bit of meat on them, no every guy does though...

J-Lo...? Skinny...? C'mon, dude; if the Titanic had had an ass like that, the iceberg would have lost.

So Canadian men like to "ride the wave in?" Hmm, maybe Canada isn't such a bad place after all.

 

[The_Professional]

I agree that men are more honest about the importance of physical appearance--maybe because a lady isn't supposed to be the aggressor, and why women check men out, just more discreetly?

Yes, women do check men out and it's quite flattering. If there's one thing similar between men and women it's that physical attraction is essential when you first meet someone.

What I was trying to convey is that women tend to be more realistic about physical expectations. If we aren't Miss Universe, we don't expect to attract Mr. Universe.

If a dead-ringer for Pierce Brosnan asked you out, would you go out with him?

How many times have you seen some guy hit on a woman who's out of his league, versus the other way around?

Society dictates that the male is supposed to be aggressor. It's always been the man's job to go up to the woman, talk to her, charm her, make her laugh. Wouldn't it be great for a change if it's the woman that will go up to the guy, talk to him, start something, court him, take him out on dates. But it doesn't work that way most of the time. And the woman always waits for the guy to come up to her, why would the woman risk rejection and her ego.

 

[Soilwork]

Maybe more the physical for men? And maybe because women know what their league is. In other words, all the men compete for the women who are "10" even if they are a "5" or less themself. Women are more realistic--When we look in the mirror we don't flex, we freak.

Ok first off hopefully that quote worked properly there haha :).
I don't know if this is really true. It is to a certain extent, but it's person specific. I think it's about the same for men and woman. You will always get the men and women that are blind to the fact that personality will only get you so far. They don't realize that you need to be easy enough on the eyes. You can hope like this, but more than likely it will send you into an emotional rut.


Onto another topic kind of brought up in this thread though.
When you watch TV you see all that trashy crap where the women are always saying "men are such pigs" or "if a man goes out and has lots of sex he's a hero, but if a woman does it she's a slut".
That really isn't true in a lot of cases. Although I say this, it is clear that morals and values are becoming less popular these days.
I just find it sad that people are so damn rude, disrespectful and shallow.
anyways I don't think that it should be looked at like this. If a woman or a man sleeps around they are both the same sleazy person really. Only sleazy guys will cheer on other sleazy guys.
I've been so close to beating the crap out of a so called friend because he is like this.
He takes advantage of drunk woman and just treats them like **** in general.
He also thinks that people who don't share his morals, or lack thereof, are gay.
Anyways if you associate with those sorts of people then expect a weak relationship built on very little trust.
Sorry for the language by the way, but I'm in the middle of swearing rehab so a few words might slip through every now and then ;)

 

[SOS2008]

Yes, women do check men out and it's quite flattering. If there's one thing similar between men and women it's that physical attraction is essential when you first meet someone.

Dang, you caught us! Actually, that's what's nice about being in a relationship because then the woman can be comfortable with showing attraction. I will compliment in other cases where I know it is safe--I have a client who is much younger than me, and I'll always joke and ask him not to report me.

If a dead-ringer for Pierce Brosnan asked you out, would you go out with him?

We had conversations like this in another thread... I am wary of really good looking men, because most turn out to be womanizers.

Wouldn't it be great for a change if it's the woman that will go up to the guy, talk to him, start something, court him, take him out on dates. But it doesn't work that way most of the time. And the woman always waits for the guy to come up to her, why would the woman risk rejection and her ego.

I always enjoyed Sadie Hawkins (spelling?) dances, and I have sent a drink to a man, etc.--I think women start the conversation and/or keep it going more than you may recall...

Onto another topic kind of brought up in this thread though.
When you watch TV you see all that trashy crap where the women are always saying "men are such pigs" or "if a man goes out and has lots of sex he's a hero, but if a woman does it she's a slut".

Oh the double standards. Women can be "pigs" and men can be "sluts" for sure. There is one thing though...at least in my experience and per my circle of female friends...women will sleep with a man as a part of "next steps" in a relationship. Sometimes it ends up being a "one-night stand" and sometimes because of lack of sexual compatibility. Unfortunately the men are thinking we "sleep around" but that wasn't the intention.

Sorry for the language by the way, but I'm in the middle of swearing rehab so a few words might slip through every now and then ;)

We are all in a 12-step program for demented behavior of one kind or another here--Welcome!

 

[BobG]

Just about all people are superficial in their own way - superficial love based on physical attraction just gets a worse reputation.

Personally, I'm superficially attracted to those with a fondness for Tetraboric acid and Borax.

And so fickle, too. Those with with a fondness for Borax become annoying after awhile - I start to think they have a nasal problem.

(Geez, I've sunk to a new low - I guess I should feel fortunate that almost no one will ever figure out what I'm talking about. How do you get into that 12 step program?)

 

[Danger]

So Canadian men like to "ride the wave in?" Hmm, maybe Canada isn't such a bad place after all.

Only on a waterbed. I'm actually more into slender-medium, but pretty much anything that can't outrun me...

I love this cartoon. (that's me in the bunny slippers, btw)

Sure, sure... Thanks for reminding me, though. Gotta go put something on the 'stupid sayings' thread.

 

[Math Is Hard]

That cartoon is priceless, Evo! :)

 

[Gokul43201]

Personally, I'm superficially attracted to those with a fondness for Tetraboric acid and Borax.

And so fickle, too. Those with with a fondness for Borax become annoying after awhile - I start to think they have a nasal problem.

(Geez, I've sunk to a new low - I guess I should feel fortunate that almost no one will ever figure out what I'm talking about. How do you get into that 12 step program?)

Surely no one can figure out what you mean when you just make up stuff like that.

 

[SOS2008]

...Personally, I'm superficially attracted to those with a fondness for Tetraboric acid and Borax.

And so fickle, too. Those with with a fondness for Borax become annoying after awhile - I start to think they have a nasal problem.

(Geez, I've sunk to a new low - I guess I should feel fortunate that almost no one will ever figure out what I'm talking about. How do you get into that 12 step program?)

The first step is to admit it, and then to tell us more...

 

[SOS2008]

Only on a waterbed. I'm actually more into slender-medium, but pretty much anything that can't outrun me...

The guy I've been dating says there's a difference between a big butt and a fat ass. I feel the same way--I like some meat on my man, not sloppy but not...well just so I don't get bruises from being next to him I guess.

 

[DaveC426913]

Am I correct in both cases?

In neither case were you in love. You didn't know either of them well enough.

There are other words to describe an attachment to someone. In the first case, with the gorgeous guy, "infatuation" is a good choice.

 

[Math Is Hard]

In neither case were you in love. You didn't know either of them well enough.

There are other words to describe an attachment to someone. In the first case, with the gorgeous guy, "infatuation" is a good choice.

How well do I have to know someone to be in love with him?

Why would we call it "infatuation" in the first case but not in the second? I think it could apply to either.

 

[Astronuc]

How well do I have to know someone to be in love with him?

Why would we call it "infatuation" in the first case but not in the second? I think it could apply to either.

In both cases it is 'infatuation', and being "in love" is often a euphemism for infatuation. Until you really 'know' someone, "being in love" is simply a fantasy. As time goes on and each learns more of the other, the relationship becomes less fantasy and more reality. Sometimes the relationship becomes permanent, but often times not.

How much time is necessary? It depends on the individuals. In the second case of the OP, the question becomes, how important is attractiveness. And that may depend on the relationship - is one looking for a mate, or a social companion, or . . . ?

How long does take to be able to trust someone?

Read Buscaglia and Fromm. It will take some of the guess work out of the problem.

 

[franznietzsche]

Why would we call it "infatuation" in the first case but not in the second? I think it could apply to either.

I would call it infatuation in both cases.

 

[Danger]

Surely no one can figure out what you mean when you just make up stuff like that.

Makes perfect sense to me. Where's the difficulty?

The guy I've been dating

Dating...? How did you get out of the harem without me noticing?

there's a difference between a big butt and a fat ass.

I thought we left J.Lo on another thread...

I like some meat on my man, not sloppy but not...

Weren't the weenies on a different thread too...?

 

[SOS2008]

...Why would we call it "infatuation" in the first case but not in the second? I think it could apply to either.

Masta -- I have learned well the skill of "in-fabrication" -- Grasshoppa

Dating...? How did you get out of the harem without me noticing?

What's a girl to do? I could never get a turn with the Maytag, and the softener for fluffing was all gone, and no one brought me a sammich, with or without condiments, or weenies, floppy or meaty or nutin'

 

[Danger]

no one brought me a sammich, with or without condiments, or weenies, floppy or meaty or nutin'

Did too! I had a nice bratwurst for you, all lubed and everything, but it took so long to wrap it up and get the bow just right that you were gone by the time I got there...

 

[Danger]

So I gave it to Moonbear instead .