Who Is in the Wrong in This Relationship Dilemma?

[FrogPad]

I would really love to hear others input on the following.

In a nutshell, I dated a girl for 2 years. She broke it off with me (many different circumstances), we didn't officially end it until a month later. It's been close to four years since we've done anything physical with each other. During those 4 years we have been very close, remaining friends. We have dated others (her, one long term), me all short term until just recently.

About six month's ago I started dating this girl. I really fell for her at first, and basically cut myself off from the outside. We spent a lot of time together. She knew from the beginning that I was good friends with my ex. This past month the new girlfriend (now former) has had a BIG problem with the ex. In a nutshell we broke it off, because in her eyes I have refused to compromise and limit my conversation with the ex. She feels that I am choosing my ex over her.

From this small amount of information, who would you say is wrong. Or are we both wrong?

 

[Huckleberry]

This sounds a little strange to me.

She knew you were friends with your ex when the relationship began, and now it isn't acceptable any more. Seems to me that she wants to trim and prune your lifestyle to suit her idea of what is best for both of you. She doesn't trust you to have female friends. Speaking for myself, the restriction and lack of trust could only lead to bad things. However, if that is acceptable to you then maybe things would work. Have you given her any reason not to trust you around other women? If so, that could be a big reason why she doesn't want you to have any relationship with your ex. Or maybe she has some insecurities of her own, such as a former cheating boyfriend or infidelity on her own part that she projects onto others.

Find out what is causing the lack of trust and address the issue with her. Make a decision on what can be compromised and what cannot. Express that to her in a polite manner and stick to your guns. If it's not settled to everyone's satisfaction it will come back to haunt you for the rest of your relationship.

Do not focus on who is right or wrong.

 

[franznietzsche]

NEXT! her. Plain and simple. Of course I'm assuming a couple of things:

1) Her flipping out was not directly provoked by your actions. (Meaning you didn't commit any faux pas, like blowing her off for a phone call with your ex, etc.)
2) You have any self respect.


Can anyone tell I have no patience for people?

 

[JasonRox]

Sorry, but this problem will always come up unless you either limit conversations with your ex-gf or become a person with lots of integrity.

I don't blame her at all though. From your post alone it sounds like you still want your ex-gf.

 

[J77]

Having an ex as a close friend is a recipe for disaster when it comes to new relationships.

She's an ex for a reason -- put some distance between yourselves.

 

[humanino]

As a male with several ex-gf close friends, if I can give you an advice, only the mother can be a female with priority over your gf
That is one of the most basic rules ! (and they say it changes after the wedding, but I can only guess that it is obvious)

What you need to do is have your gf be friend with your ex's, and you can see your ex's at with your gf present at the same time. Otherwise it is hopeless.

 

[humanino]

I don't blame her at all though. From your post alone it sounds like you still want your ex-gf.

I would not say so. It is very useful to be friend with ex's. They often have very good pieces of advice
And you can provide them with good advices too. They can actually help make a new relationship work !

 

[chaoseverlasting]

Youre with her right now, so she should have precedence over your ex. In this case, you should pay more attention to your current gf than your ex. Best 'o luck man...

 

[Moonbear]

Some people will always be jealous in such situations. I don't think you should have to give up a friendship with anyone to be with someone else. It might be a different issue if you were blowing off the gf to spend time doing things with the ex (sort of still favoring the ex), but if it's just a normal friendship now, then there's no point being with someone who's going to get that jealous and possessive. It'll only start showing up in other aspects of the relationship too.

And I can relate to the situation too. I have had the good fortune of staying friends with a couple of ex-boyfriends. We're great friends, but not great as a couple, and we found that out while dating. Of the two guys who I still talk to on a regular basis who are ex-bfs, one's wife has no problem with this, realizes we're just friends and there's no threat, and everything is just fine. The other's wife turned jealous harpy and forbid him from talking to me. It doesn't work, we still talk. She gives him the third degree about any female friend, and she's often pissed at him for one thing or another because he's not spending enough time with her (same one who doesn't understand that he needs to work long hours if she would like to continue enjoying the lifestyle that his paycheck provides them). Basically, she's jealous of him any time he's doing something other than paying attention to her. I don't know, it never sounds like a good marriage to me, but I guess there's something that makes it worthwhile to him.

I've already told Zenmaster about this weird friendship, because I know it looks strange to have to sneak off to visit friends, and if he's going to have a problem with me staying friends with ex's, then that was something I wanted to know up front (because it's not something that's going to stop or go away). And, obviously, if I hadn't told him, he'd have found out by reading here.

 

[radou]

About six month's ago I started dating this girl. I really fell for her at first, and basically cut myself off from the outside. We spent a lot of time together. She knew from the beginning that I was good friends with my ex. This past month the new girlfriend (now former) has had a BIG problem with the ex. In a nutshell we broke it off, because in her eyes I have refused to compromise and limit my conversation with the ex. She feels that I am choosing my ex over her.

Hm, what's with the 5 months between? Didn't bother her at all?

 

[J77]

Some people will always be jealous in such situations. I don't think you should have to give up a friendship with anyone to be with someone else. It might be a different issue if you were blowing off the gf to spend time doing things with the ex (sort of still favoring the ex), but if it's just a normal friendship now, then there's no point being with someone who's going to get that jealous and possessive. It'll only start showing up in other aspects of the relationship too.

The trouble is that ex's can seem cool about things but then when you start seriously dating someone again, they can turn mental... like banging on your door at 3 in the morning, waking your flatmate, only to be told you're round your new gf's pad... apparently...

 

[humanino]

...they can turn mental...

Yup, shared that experience as well, but in that case you should really avoid the ex !
This kind of ex can really mess up your new relationships. They will probably show up when you start dating someone new. It does not seem to be the issue for the OP however.

 

[Huckleberry]

Hm, what's with the 5 months between? Didn't bother her at all?

You picked up on that too, huh? This is why I thought something sounded strange. There is more to the story here. Some incident in particular that happened about a month ago is my guess. Since nothing is mentioned I can't be certain what that might be, but usually people don't 'all of a sudden' become aggravated by an already existing relationship. Either she wants to advance the relationship and is insecure or there is some action that he has taken recently to create this lack of trust.

 

[Moonbear]

Or maybe he stopped paying attention exclusively to the new gf and remembered he had other friends he still wanted to do stuff with. We've all seen people get immersed like that in a new relationship. Most people are happy to include other friends in their activities once the "I don't want to do anything but be with you" stage wears off, but some can't handle it, or start discovering that they don't like the side of someone's personality they see when around other friends.

The trouble is that ex's can seem cool about things but then when you start seriously dating someone again, they can turn mental...

Generally, those aren't the sort of ex's one stays friends with, but rather the sort one obtains restraining orders against.

 

[out of whack]

In theory, you can have a female friend and your girlfriend should accept that, as long as you are friend with her in the same way you are friend with your male buddies. On the flip side, the woman you love could also remain close with a serious boyfriend who broke up with her a few years ago, right?

In practice, if you don't spend time alone with one of your male buddies the same way as with this female buddy then there's something different there. Or if you don't have long phone conversations with one of your male buddies the same way as with this female buddy then there's something different there. And if you don't have a history of having sex with one of your male buddies the same way as with this female buddy then there's something different there. In the 4 years during which you haven't "done anything physical with each other" can you truthfully say that it never crossed your mind? Please do not answer me, I don't need to know, just think about it. If the thought occurred then you must accept that there's something different there.

I haven't experienced this. But from what I've seen with others, maintaining a relationship with an old girlfriend that exceeds in any way what you do with your male buddies will haunt your present and future relationships. Real society is not a Seinfeld episode.

 

[radou]

You picked up on that too, huh? This is why I thought something sounded strange. There is more to the story here. Some incident in particular that happened about a month ago is my guess. Since nothing is mentioned I can't be certain what that might be, but usually people don't 'all of a sudden' become aggravated by an already existing relationship. Either she wants to advance the relationship and is insecure or there is some action that he has taken recently to create this lack of trust.

I agree. Either she really started to like him (forgot the nick while replying), or she found an opportunity to break up.

 

[franznietzsche]

Some people will always be jealous in such situations. I don't think you should have to give up a friendship with anyone to be with someone else. It might be a different issue if you were blowing off the gf to spend time doing things with the ex (sort of still favoring the ex), but if it's just a normal friendship now, then there's no point being with someone who's going to get that jealous and possessive. It'll only start showing up in other aspects of the relationship too.

Exactly .

 

[FrogPad]

I really appreciate everyone's responses. It was nice to hear both sides of the fence.

I didn't go into detail for many reasons. For one, it is impossible to tell a story without being one sided. So I am glad people interpreted the situation as they did.

Thanks everyone for being so helpful!