Women are crazy. Interpret this text exchange for me, please

[Pengwuino]

This is going to make for some great chat room convo today

 

[BobG]

Alright, so my girlfriend and I are planning to go to the Renaissance Fair tomorrow morning. I'd leave my house around 8:30 and pick her up at 9. She offered to cook me breakfast tomorrow morning before we leave, but I declined, since I'd already be waking up at 8am as it is, and I don't want to wake up even earlier.

Anyway, now she's mad at me. I feel as if I did nothing wrong, and she's just being crazy. She probably feels as if I'm being an unreasonable jerk, and that she did nothing wrong.

So, am I a jerk, or is she crazy? Here is the exact text message exchange:



Please advise.

Breakfast before 9? As you mentioned, it's impossible to get up early enough to get ready to make a half hour drive so you can have breakfast at 8, or even earlier?!

Clearly, she was inviting you to spend the night and the invitation flew completely over your head. Your response was to discuss logistics. Clearly, there's only two possibilities - spending the night with her just isn't worth the trouble or you're so hopelessly inept at the subtle communications of romance that you're just not worth the trouble.

Or at least assuming the breakfast invitation was an invitation to spend the night (even if turned out not to be) would have changed the tone of the conversation and kept you out of trouble.

 

[zoobyshoe]

This is not a "woman thing". This is about control, selfishness, and caring only about her feelings. An emotionally normal person would have said, "Ok".

Yeah, it's important to be aware that unstable guys often do the same thing. They'll offer to fix a girl's car, or the squeaky hinge on her door, etc. in order to get the girl feeling obligated. If a guy gets insistent or pushy when you refuse an offer of help: red flag.

 

[ArcanaNoir]

letting what she was planning for breakfast play into your decision does go against etiquette. If someone invited you for dinner, would you respond, "I'll come if I like what you're making"? So that part, at least probably wasn't your best manners. You should have stuck with the "it's too early" excuse.

 

[Jack21222]

letting what she was planning for breakfast play into your decision does go against etiquette. If someone invited you for dinner, would you respond, "I'll come if I like what you're making"?

Yes, I absolutely would, and often have. I don't think it's poor etiquette to ask what I'll be eating before deciding whether to go. Surely it would be MUCH WORSE etiquette to accept the invitation, and then refuse to eat because I don't like what they made.

About an hour passed between when she told me what she was making (which I do generally like) and when the quoted conversation in the OP took place. The logistics were the only thing that played into my decision once I had time to think about it.

Anyway, I just texted her to make sure we'll still going. I'm leaving in 10 minutes if so, and I'm still not dressed yet.

 

[rhody]

This is going to make for some great chat room convo today

Pengy,

I agree with you, Borek, and Evo's comments, text messages don't lie, the evidence is there for all to see and review. Insecure and controlling are appropriate word's I would use as well.

On a positive note, sometimes instead of being the vehicle to highlight a problem, text's can actually be used to work through problem's in a relationship, because, first, they take longer to communicate than speech, you can carefully consider and pick your words carefully to deliver your message with great clarity, no room for interpretation, if there are nuances during the session, you can correct or clarify to the other party. It worked for me recently and my wife agreed it was better than talking in elevated tones filibustering one another, plenty gets lost in that exchange, let me tell you. But not with the slower pace of text's.

Peng, I hope you didn't take my comment in the chat quiz seriously, it was all good fun, I love you wicked sense of humor, and imitation is a form of flattery, eh ?

Rhody...

 

[PBechthold]

I suppose if one wants to be in a relationship where one is playing a role instead of being oneself that could work out. Personally I'm pretty tired of women who want me to play the role they have scripted for me rather than just liking me for who I am.

Ya. Your feelings are valid. But it isn't really a "playing a role". It is more of an understanding of what your partner is like and how to make them happy. Also, I don't know a married man to date that doesn't believe in "Happy wife, happy life"

But I do get your comment.

 

[rootX]

Breakfast before 9? As you mentioned, it's impossible to get up early enough to get ready to make a half hour drive so you can have breakfast at 8, or even earlier?!

Clearly, she was inviting you to spend the night and the invitation flew completely over your head. Your response was to discuss logistics. Clearly, there's only two possibilities - spending the night with her just isn't worth the trouble or you're so hopelessly inept at the subtle communications of romance that you're just not worth the trouble.

Or at least assuming the breakfast invitation was an invitation to spend the night (even if turned out not to be) would have changed the tone of the conversation and kept you out of trouble.

I thought he over-interpreted what she said and making big deal out of comments like "Thanks a lot I won't offer anything ever again" and escalating it to a serious fight But your post makes much more sense!

 

[cmb]

As far as I can tell, this is fairly normal behaviour for neuro-typical humans, male or female. No good turn deserves to go unpunished.

I have made only one conclusion in my 20 years of relationships; to have no wife/girlfriend is to have too few of them, to have one is too many.

 

[nucleargirl]

lollollol... this is totally something I could see myself doing...

Basically, she wants to see how much you want to spend time with her and enjoy her company! So if she was a super hot girl and you just met her last week, if she offered to cook you breakfast and you guys could eat together before going to the fair, you'd totally say yes right?! cos you are super attracted!

But now you know her for a while, you see her all the time, you stop feeling like she's so special and you can't be bothered to get up one hour early to see her. you'd rather sleep.
Well, this doesn't make her feel very good! she wants to feel like you are just as attracted to her and likes her just as much as before!

I guess its a little unrealistic of her to expect that... but if you love her, you could make a bit more effort! come on, its one hour of sleep. go to bed one hour earlier and go to her house with a flower in your hand and she will be super happy! and so will you.

 

[Pengwuino]

lollollol... this is totally something I could see myself doing...

$10 says you are the girl in question

 

[Jack21222]

Basically, she wants to see how much you want to spend time with her and enjoy her company! So if she was a super hot girl and you just met her last week, if she offered to cook you breakfast and you guys could eat together before going to the fair, you'd totally say yes right?! cos you are super attracted!

Wrong

But now you know her for a while, you see her all the time, you stop feeling like she's so special and you can't be bothered to get up one hour early to see her. you'd rather sleep.
Well, this doesn't make her feel very good! she wants to feel like you are just as attracted to her and likes her just as much as before!

I guess its a little unrealistic of her to expect that... but if you love her, you could make a bit more effort! come on, its one hour of sleep. go to bed one hour earlier and go to her house with a flower in your hand and she will be super happy! and so will you.

A little more effort? I just spent almost 14 hours with her. Surely that's enough.

I really don't think I would be "super happy" about getting there early with a flower in my hand, anyway. That just doesn't sound like something I'd do.

 

[DaveC426913]

You people are brutal. And you judge like none of you have ever had a misunderstanding via electronic messaging.

"I'll pass. Thanks anyway" is quite terse and can be construed to be quite a cold rejection.

Granted, she may have overreacted. But it could have been easily rectified by acknowledging that she wanted to do something nice, but it would be awkward for your schedule, and there's no sleight intended. Instead you act like her feeling sleighted - even for the moment - is "crazy". There is no empathy here for her feelings. It was just an ember, but you threw gasoline on it.

This is a classic case of mutual escalation. One steps out of line, even momentarily, and the other, rather than cajoling the two of them back to centre with a calming word, pushes it further from centre. Spiral downward guaranteed.You guys might be both better off apart.

 

[Evo]

My *crazy sensor* has never been wrong.

 

[Pyrrhus]

Hmmm, I would have probably ignored her response about you rejecting the offer, and just tell her you'll see her at the pick up time, and move along.

 

[I like Serena]

Wrong

Uhh...

Could you elaborate?

 

[Phrak]

Crazy. Under reacting. Over reacting.

These don't say much.

The woman wants some romance out of you and you are not responding correctly. Romance means worship. She does some small thing, like making bacon and eggs, and you are supposed to go gnumb with appreciation and faun all over her and treat her to extravigant gifts, treats and delights.

You are not living up to the romance novels. Get with it shipmate.

--or just use, abuse and dump her; she's crazy.

 

[MarcoD]

You are not living up to the romance novels. Get with it shipmate.

--or just use, abuse and dump her; she's crazy.

Yah, that's what I think too. Girl wants some romance, and he probably always wants to drive. Nothing happening, totally normal relation.

Man, two 'crazinesses' in three months. Last relation I had saw tree mood swings a day including the aggressiveness and throwing with stuff. Couldn't get it to work, that's the only thought I have on the whole subject.

 

[DaveC426913]

The woman wants some romance out of you and you are not responding correctly. Romance means worship. She does some small thing, like making bacon and eggs, and you are supposed to go gnumb with appreciation and faun all over her and treat her to extravigant gifts, treats and delights.

You are not living up to the romance novels. Get with it shipmate.

Wow.

You single?

 

[256bits]

This may tide Jack through life ( and the rest of us dumb males ) who find the woman's mind a mystery.
http://funny2.com/whatwomenwantinaman.htm

What women want in a man at age 25:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover


What women want in a man at age 35:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 45:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 55:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 65:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 75:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

 

[Phrak]

Wow.

You single?

No, I'm married. And the default state of toilet seat covers is up, of course.

You?

 

[noobilly]

The girl is kinda oversensitive, I agree. Could be the tone "Thanks anyway, but I'll pass" though, which sounds a tad bit cold. If it was me I would say "Thanks a lot dear, but I really need more sleep, next time we'll have breakfast together". Then if she gets angry at that, well, the red flag is more clear.

 

[Drakkith]

I see at least two issues here.

A: Text conveys no cues for emotions and such that a verbal conversation might have given.

B: It "appears" that she expected you to say yes and have breakfast. This is extremely normal, even if it makes no sense. I guarantee you that almost everyone here has done this a few times in their lives. Some people do it much more often, and are "passive aggressive" with it. The best way to avoid confusion is to clearly talk about these issues when they arise so that both you and your partner understand each other. Next time either she will say "I want to have breakfast with you" or you will understand the phrase to mean that instead. Hopefully it's a mix of the 2, aka compromise. While it may not seem fair to you, and you may think she simply needs to be clear with what she means, it is nearly impossible to change someone's personality traits and behaviors completely. You WILL run into this again. Either you learn to live with it a little bit or your relationship probably won't last.

DISCLAIMER: The poster is not a licensed anything, and probably has no idea what he's talking about, and makes no guarantee about the accuracy of said post.

 

[Jack21222]

Either you learn to live with it a little bit or your relationship probably won't last.

Eh, I'm not really the relationship type anyway. If I stick it out for a few more months, the problem might solve itself. If I get accepted to a far away grad school and rejected nearby, we'll have to break up, and I won't look like a jerk for doing it.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I think that the silliest thing I ever got upset about with a person I was dating was when my ex invited me, last minute, to go on a trip she knew my schedule would not allow me to go on. Considering she was constantly upset with me because she was always trying to read between the lines with everything I said and did (only a slight exaggeration) I was more than a little wondering as to her intent in inviting me on that trip. Since she always saw some ulterior motive it was hard for me to believe that she had none herself.

 

[DaveC426913]

If I stick it out for a few more months, the problem might solve itself.

Or you could man up and do right by her now.

I'm beginning to see something familiar here. "My last girlfriend? She went psycho on me."

 

[nucleargirl]

Eh, I'm not really the relationship type anyway. If I stick it out for a few more months, the problem might solve itself. If I get accepted to a far away grad school and rejected nearby, we'll have to break up, and I won't look like a jerk for doing it.

What the hell. You are joking right? otherwise you would look like a real jerk.
if you are being serious, then dump her right now. she can make pancakes for someone a little less selfish.

 

[micromass]

Eh, I'm not really the relationship type anyway. If I stick it out for a few more months, the problem might solve itself. If I get accepted to a far away grad school and rejected nearby, we'll have to break up, and I won't look like a jerk for doing it.

Who's playing games now?? You don't love her and you want to dump her. But instead of being honest to her, you start playing games and stuff. Not to mention that you posted a private conversation between you and your gf to strangers on the internet. I would be heavily insulted if I were your gf.

I suggest you stay as far away from girls as possible.

 

[nucleargirl]

A little more effort? I just spent almost 14 hours with her. Surely that's enough.

If it feels like a chore for you to spend time with her, then there is something wrong with your relationship.

 

[DaveC426913]

So people ... are all those crazy meters still going off - on her?