Collection of Lame Jokes

[I-Love-Maths2]

what's the fastest food?
Scone

 

[DrClaude]

what's the fastest food?
Scone

?

 

[I-Love-Maths2]

?

you can't fail to get that one

 

[I-Love-Maths2]

's' gone

 

[DrClaude]

's' gone

Looking at Merriam-Webster:

\ˈskōn, ˈskän\

I always heard it pronounced the first way, so the joke didn't make sense to me.

 

[fresh_42]

Looking at Merriam-Webster:
\ˈskōn, ˈskän\
I always heard it pronounced the first way, so the joke didn't make sense to me.

Skål ?

 

[DrClaude]

Skål ?

Not now, I'm working

 

[mfb]

Ah, the good old "s'gone", "s-cone" discussion. About as good as Alumin(i)um (three archives pages just for the spelling discussion).

 

[jtbell]

When you leave your last breakfast/tea pastry out too long, what do you end up with?

The scone of stone.

 

[Ibix]

The scone of stone.

To be pedantic, that's a third pronunciation of Scone (scoon, more or less) that is not the same as either way of pronouncing the bread thing.

That didn't stop Sir Terry Pratchett writing a whole book based around a legendary dwarvish battle-bread.

 

[davenn]

Ah, the good old "s'gone", "s-cone" discussion.

in New Zealand I grew up learning the pronunciation as "s'gone",
but having moved to Australia many moons ago they say "s-cone" on this side of the Tasman

 

[davenn]

 

[AlexCaledin]

Drunkard: "I am not seeing d-double! Here, I see t-two eyes of the cat coming in."
Waiter: "The cat's going out, not in!"

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Jean Claude van Damme breaks down (with his car) in the middle of nowhere. Finds small house. "Knock knock ..."
(Old man living in:) "who is it?"
"This is Jean Claude van Damme; my car broke down; can I use your phone?"
(Old man:) "Why don't the four of you go back where you came from ! (../to he..l) ..."

 

[DaveC426913]

(Old man:) "Why don't the four of you go back where you came from ! (../to he..l) ..."

I don't get it.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I don't get it.

"Spoiler" (e.g. for those who don't know the details): Jean Claude van Damme is a famous actor, ... but he is One not 4 people, despite his name! ... [EnumaElish seems to have gotten it ...]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Toothbrush: "Gee! I think I have the worst job in the world! ..."

Toilet paper: "Yeah right!? ..."

 

[davenn]

A photon enters a hotel. Clerk asks if he has luggage.
"No. I'm traveling light"

 

[davenn]

MOM ?

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

Cognitive thinking...

 

[AlexCaledin]

Man to the barber cutting his hair: Wow, your dog loves to watch your work!
Barber: Oh, that's simply because I often cut off a bit of ear.

 

[fresh_42]

A photon enters a hotel. Clerk asks if he has luggage.
"No. I'm traveling light"

A neutron stops at a fire hydrant and along comes an officer.
Officer: "Sir, you can't park here. I'll have to charge you."
Neutron: "Please wait. It's only for 15 minutes. After that I'll charge myself."

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Cognitive thinking...

Where is the plane now? I want to sue them!

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the guy who bought an alpaca so he could give his sweetie a nice warm sweater for her birthday?

Then he found out that alpacas don't know how to knit.

 

[Ibix]

Cognitive thinking...

Knock knock!
Who's there?
The chicken!

ref

 

[davenn]

this is too funny ! ...

 

[AlexCaledin]

President G.H.W.Bush to Henry Kissinger in 1992: I can't understand what the heck is happening in Russia.
Kissinger: You know, Mr. President, according to the Russian press, Russia is entirely governed by our men. And...
Bush: That's enough. I got it.
(from a fun story in an old Russian newspaper)

 

[Stavros Kiri]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at it and asks: "So, why the long face?"

Horse: what long face? Yours is small and round! ...

 

[Ibix]

MOM ?

My seven year old thinks the baby alien is cute. You can imagine the look on my face when he said that...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

My seven year old thinks the baby alien is cute. You can imagine the look on my face when he said that...

Did he say it? (Dad ?)

 

[AlexCaledin]

"What is dementia? My doctor tried explaining but I never got it though he said I did."

 

[mfb]

Better learn what dementia is before you get it.

 

[EnumaElish]

It sounds like the name of a Latin woman who would blow one's mind off.

 

[fresh_42]

It sounds like the name of a Latin woman who would blow one's mind off.

Nope. As far as I remember, this was Incontinentia and she bl... - no I won't write the rest, Brian.