Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

Did you hear about the phone company that won a Nobel prize?

It seems they made a phone that doesn't ring.

 

[Rooted]

The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

 

[dkotschessaa]

Did you hear about the rich swordfish who divorced his wife? He had to pay her a lot of abalone.

That joke gave me a haddock.

 

[dkotschessaa]

I'm reading a book about helium. I just can't put it down.

 

[Isaacsname]

Love is like flatulence.

If you have to force it out, it's probably not a fart.

 

[jtbell]

True story: Many years ago, I gave an test in my intro modern physics class. In addition to the usual calculation and derivation type problems, I asked the students to give definitions for some words and phrases.

For "bremsstrahlung," one response was, "the sound you make when you try to talk with peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth."

 

[Isaacsname]

I heard Henry Darcy was a pore man.

 

[Isaacsname]

Definition of Reintarnation

~ When you come back as a hillbilly

 

[Ibix]

What do you call a man with a piece of wood on his head?

Spoiler

Edward.

What do you call a man with two pieces of wood on his head?

Spoiler

Edward Wood.

What do you call a man with three pieces of wood on his head?

Spoiler

Edward Woodward.

What do you call a man with four pieces of wood on his head?

Spoiler

I don't know - but Edward Woodward would.

 

[Isaacsname]

What do you call a man with a piece of wood on his head?

Spoiler

Edward.

What do you call a man with two pieces of wood on his head?

Spoiler

Edward Wood.

What do you call a man with three pieces of wood on his head?

Spoiler

Edward Woodward.

What do you call a man with four pieces of wood on his head?

Spoiler

I don't know - but Edward Woodward would.

Wood yew believe I know what you rafter ?

 

[Isaacsname]

Just a quick reminder, I'm sill here to cellulose puns if you want to spread them around the joint.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The election today is going to be decided by 50 women in Ohio.

 

[dkotschessaa]

http://www.shirtofun.com/image/cache/data/Top-10_rect-500x500.jpg

 

[Ibix]

If there were a prize for laziness, maybe I'd send someone to pick it up for me.

 

[FreeMitya]

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender: "Why the long face?"

Horse: "I'm $50,000 in debt."

 

[dkotschessaa]

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are insentient and therefore not capable of feeling fear.

 

[dkotschessaa]

Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?

She had dementia.

 

[dkotschessaa]

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer walk into a bar.

They order some drinks, sit quietly and stare at their shoes until they've finished their drinks, then go back home and wallow in loneliness, wishing their social skills weren't so abysmal.

 

[Ibix]

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer walk into a bar.

They order some drinks, sit quietly and stare at their shoes until they've finished their drinks, then go back home and wallow in loneliness, wishing their social skills weren't so abysmal.

You don't think they tell each other lame jokes, then? ;-)

 

[dkotschessaa]

You don't think they tell each other lame jokes, then? ;-)

Only on internet forums!

 

[Ibix]

I dunno. A fair proportion of my social interaction with scientists, both on- and off-line, has revolved around bizarrist humour.

 

[BobG]

Chuck Norris is so awesome he can recite all of the digits of pi backwards!

 

[dkotschessaa]

Why is a beer better than a woman?

It isn't.

 

[FreeMitya]

What is a polyatomic ion that is almost always found in the toilet?

Urinate! (Hey, you asked for lame jokes).Why was 10 afraid of 9?

Because 9,8,7.Are you so unreasonable that you would not let me drink buttermilk at your wedding, yet you would let some stranger stuff his gob with blackberries? That hardly seems fair.

 

[Isaacsname]

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.

One day different parts of the body had an argument about who should be in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
Just remember who is really in charge!

 

[Isaacsname]

One day different parts of the body had an argument about who should be in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
Just remember who is really in charge!

Hahaha,...there's some truth to that

 

[Isaacsname]

You what the difference between an accordion and an onion is ?

Nobody's going to cry if you cut up an accordion.

 

[Isaacsname]

I'm a piece of wood, ask me a question.

Sorry, I'm board.

 

[Psyguy22]

Dirty joke: billy fell In mud
Clean joke: billy took a bath
Clean joke: billy took a bath with bubbles
Dirty joke: bubbles was his neighbour.

 

[Isaacsname]

I've heard a variant of that one.

" Did you ever blow bubbles ? " <---ask somebody

" Yes, I did " <--- usual answer

" Well he's back in town, he wants you to give him a call " <---- zinger

 

[Psyguy22]

I've heard a variant of that one.

" Did you ever blow bubbles ? " <---ask somebody

" Yes, I did " <--- usual answer

" Well he's back in town, he wants you to give him a call " <---- zinger

Lol. mind if I use that?

 

[Isaacsname]

Lol. mind if I use that?

All my jokes are free of charge, you only have to listen to them.

 

[Psyguy22]

If you have three pancakes, and I have 13 blueberries, how many churros can we make out of leaves?
Blue because all aliens have long fingers.

 

[dkotschessaa]

My favorite joke when I was a kid:
Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."