Girlfriend talking to a previous love interest

[member 392791]

My girlfriend used to like some other guy and messed around with him once about a year ago, and I have been in a relationship with her for the past 3 months or so. She told me she hasn't talked to that guy in a long time, but today I looked on my computer and saw her e-mail open, so of course I read the e-mail of her having a conversation with that guy as early as 3 days ago.

There was nothing that suggested that there is anything going on between them in the e-mail, but the fact that she said she doesn't talk to the guy even though she really is is making me really mad.

Not only that, but she said she was going on a trip on monday with another team for her robot competition, and I come to find out this other team has that guy on it, so she is going on a trip with him (and others) and going to stay in a hotel together!

I am really mad right now, not so much that she is talking to him, but that she lied about it. What do I do? Do I confront her about it?

Edit: oh my god, my heart is racing now that I am reading more messages. I am so freaking mad right now

 

[Ryan_m_b]

For one you should never read your partners emails without permission, ever. Even if they leave it open projected on the wall it is no excuse to take time to read through.

Two what extent has your girlfriend lied? Did she say outright that she never speaks to him or something along the lines of "I don't really speak to him?" At the end of the day if you don't trust her then your relationship won't last anyway. What you should do is get over your jealousy and look at what she has actually done and said rather than worrying about what she might be doing.

 

[jedishrfu]

No good comes out of confrontation, if you've lost her to another guy then you've lost her. If she stopped seeing that guy there must have been a good reason. If he dropped her then again there's nothing you can do until she realizes she likes you better.

No matter how you play it, you can't keep a bird in a cage of lies and guilt. Maybe its time to date other girls.

God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages. (Jacques Deval)

 

[member 392791]

I am reading old messages that she didn't send that are drafts, I am shaking right now. I feel so awful and I am so mad

 

[Kholdstare]

Woopydalan. It seems I already told you to stay out of this.

https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=4285313&postcount=7

First of all you should definitely read the messages. Second, you are probably being cheated upon. Dump her.

 

[micromass]

I am reading old messages that she didn't send that are drafts, I am shaking right now. I feel so awful and I am so mad

If I were your girlfriend and I found out you read my emails, I would dump you on the spot. Doing such a thing is way worse than lying about talking to some guy.

 

[WannabeNewton]

Calm down before you hurt someone (including yourself)...it isn't the end of the world there love, it's just a girl. Don't do something you'll regret later. Sometimes ignorance is bliss but since you found out, why not just tell her how you feel? Communicate before you go nuts over something so mundane. The user above (Kholdstare) is either trolling you or drunk because his advice is beyond terrible so don't heed it. Don't be the guy who goes nuts and starts stalking his girlfriend because we all know how that ends.

 

[member 392791]

To the question of the extent that she is lying, she told me they pretend they don't see each other when they cross paths when walking at school.

That is clearly not the case.

If I see her e-mail open with messages from this guy who I know by name, how can I possibly ignore it?

Now I wish I would have never read them, this is the worst feeling ever

 

[Danger]

If I see her e-mail open with messages from this guy who I know by name, how can I possibly ignore it?

If you don't have enough self-discipline to, then you're not ready for a serious relationship.

I used to have to open my wife's e-mails for her because she didn't know how. The only one that I ever read was one that she invited me to.

 

[Evo]

If she left an e-mail open on your computer and you stumbled upon it, it's no different than if it was a letter left open on your desk. You weren't spying on her, and of course you'd take a look, who doesn't read something that's left out in plain site on their property? That's how people get caught cheating. Even though she's lying to you about not having contact, it might not be a romantic relationship, they might be friends, but be afraid you would disapprove. Now that you know she's lied to you, yes, it's going to bother you. You will have to decide if and how to approach her, that's not something we are in a position to tell you either way.

 

[micromass]

If she left an e-mail open on your computer and you stumbled upon it, it's no different than if it was a letter left open on your desk.

Right, and if a letter is left open on your desk, then the best thing to do is not to look. If the other person hasn't given you permission to invade their privacy, then you should not do it, even if the other person made a silly mistake of not closing her emails.

 

[member 392791]

So micromass, let's say I didn't read it. I would never know this is happening, and then what? I guess I would be happier not knowing, but at the same time I would be with someone who is lying to me and not even know it. How can I trust her?

 

[Evo]

Right, and if a letter is left open on your desk, then the best thing to do is not to look. If the other person hasn't given you permission to invade their privacy, then you should not do it, even if the other person made a silly mistake of not closing her emails.

But you have to look, how do you know the letter isn't to you? Maybe the e-mail was a suicide note. How would you feel if you didn't read it and prevent their death?

I'm not saying to snoop, but you do have a right, and even should read things left in front of you. How do you think I discovered my ex was having an affair while I was pregnant? I was getting insurance information that he said was in his briefcase, and out fell a card, which I thought was for me, and it wasn't.

 

[Danger]

How can I trust her?

Trust is a huge part of love. If you don't have both, you don't have either.

 

[daveyrocket]

For someone to have a right to privacy, that implies a certain responsibility on their part to make an effort to keep things private. If I'm having sex with my neighbor's wife on my front lawn, and people are walking by and staring, it'd be pretty asinine for me to say "hey how about a little privacy here."

To the OP: you need to talk to your girlfriend about this. I would recommend starting by saying "you left your email open on my computer. I thought it was mine at first so I was reading it."

Right, and if a letter is left open on your desk, then the best thing to do is not to look. If the other person hasn't given you permission to invade their privacy, then you should not do it, even if the other person made a silly mistake of not closing her emails.

No, just no. If a letter is left open on my desk, it is very likely someone put that there to make sure that I would get it and read it. That's how a person would leave a note for someone else if they weren't around. It is completely me reasonable for me to claim the absolute right to read anything that is on *my* desk. If you leave a piece of paper out in the open accessible to anyone, then you don't have much right to claim privacy on it.

 

[daveyrocket]

Trust is a huge part of love. If you don't have both, you don't have either.

Actually, you can have trust without love.

 

[AlephZero]

Not only that, but she said she was going on a trip on monday with another team for her robot competition, and I come to find out this other team has that guy on it, so she is going on a trip with him (and others) and going to stay in a hotel together!

So what you you expect them to do? One or both of them drop out of the team? Make some arrangement to stay in different places (and do you think that would stop them doing whatever they are doing)?

The main message I'm getting from this is that the OP isn't mature enough to have a serious relationship yet.

 

[member 392791]

Alephzero, do you think its sort of a white lie? I mean, this isn't something that she just overlooked when telling me. The dates don't match up, and from the correspondence I read, they were in contact when she told me that they weren't at a time that she said they weren't. That is a LIE. How am I to blame for it?

 

[MarneMath]

Alephzero, do you think its sort of a white lie? I mean, this isn't something that she just overlooked when telling me. The dates don't match up, and from the correspondence I read, they were in contact when she told me that they weren't at a time that she said they weren't. That is a LIE. How am I to blame for it?

I think to expect that your partner will never ever lie to you is a bit over optimistic about any relationship. I used to tell my wife that I had an office type job while I was in the army, it was only after she got called by the family readiness group (FRG) that she found out my real job. She used to tell me she sat at home all night while I was deployed, when she was really hanging out with friends. I didn't want her to worry, she didn't want me to worry or get jealous. The key fact is that she trust me not to be stupid and cheat on her, and I trust her to do the same.

If you cannot trust your girlfriend to be faithful, then you clearly have a very fundamental crack in your relationship. It needs to be address and how this answer may be answered may not work out the way you wish, but in the long run, it's better to leave a relationship with this uncertainty than stay and stress yourself out.

 

[OCR]

She said...

they pretend they don't see each other when they cross paths when walking at school.

Now she can't say that anymore.





OCR

 

[Ibix]

First of all, sit down and take a few deep breaths. Close the email program and step away from any electronic communication channels you may have. Do not open your mouth to her until you have some idea what you want to say.

I think you have three options.

1 - Play your cards close to your chest. Don't tell her you know what you know, and see if you can find out more.

2 - Dump her.

3 - Tell her what you know and ask for an explanation.

Option one might make sense in a ten-year marriage with a joint mortgage and 2.4 children; option two if you were looking for an out anyway. I don't think either of those is the case with you, so I'd run with option three. Trust is a key part of a relationship - if you don't trust that there's a reasonable explanation then the relationship is probably not going to survive. You'll be second guessing her every time she doesn't pick up the phone on the first ring.

I would let her know that you saw the first email by accident, and that it doesn't seem to square with other things she has said. I would let her know that you panicked and looked at more emails - you probably shouldn't have done that, but you lose less of the moral high ground by being upfront about it than if it comes out because you let slip something that you can't have known from the one email. Apologise. Ask what's the deal with this guy.

If you follow that path, you will need to decide what you want out of that conversation. If she admits that she's cheating on you, is that it? Or do you think that you could get past it? If she provides a plausible explanation, why didn't she tell you before? How are you going to make it easier for the two of you to communicate? Or is the lying a deal-breaker for you? If she just storms out, what are you going to do?

Above all, I repeat what I said at the beginning. Calm down, and use your head before you do anything.

 

[256bits]

Alephzero, do you think its sort of a white lie? I mean, this isn't something that she just overlooked when telling me. The dates don't match up, and from the correspondence I read, they were in contact when she told me that they weren't at a time that she said they weren't. That is a LIE. How am I to blame for it?

And if it is a LIE so what. Deal with the LIE instead of going off all cocked on some random tangent.
And some of the advice is a little bit scewed. You both share the same computer and if she left the email open for you to read it is a perfectly natural tendency to read it. Not one thing immature or all that privacy bit about that. In fact it would be perfectly natural in a relationship for you to be allowed to read her emails and for her to read yours. It is all about knowing what the other partner is feeling and doing and being willing to share all that information. Come on now - if you share the same bed you and her need to share all that other stuff too.

Anyways, don't go off the deep end on this as some people have already advised not to do. Play it cool, no accusations. Maybe she is just trying to find out if she she still has a spark for this other guy and will dump you and you can do nothing about it. Maybe she will find out that she does not and likes you better and will rejoin you with more passion than you can imagine.
Perhaps she feels you do not show enough interest in her or that you are not possesive enough
for her tastes and thinks that a little jealousy on your part will be admirable. You do not know at this point, so have a reasonable discussion about where your relationship is heading to find out.

If you go off the deep end she will definitely just think you are a complete jerk, and you would be.
But quit reading those emails since they are causing you such grief.
The thing about mature though is that if you find your partner is up to some nonsense you say "Oh S..." and limit the overly emotional response, so that it does not overcome your reasoning and thought process. Making decisions in a high emotional state never does work out.

 

[OCR]

Play it cool, no accusations.

Sorry, but...

She's as cool as a salesman as he opens the door... she's breakin' in a new new routine for the man who walks the floor.

Maybe you're just looking for a...?





OCR

 

[256bits]

Sorry, but...

She's as cool as a salesman as he opens the door... she's breakin' in a new new routine for the man who walks the floor.

Maybe you're just looking for a...?

A possibility, but then we will never know for sure, will we.
Definitely a precarious situation for this individual.

 

[Danger]

If she left an e-mail open on your computer and you stumbled upon it, it's no different than if it was a letter left open on your desk. You weren't spying on her, and of course you'd take a look, who doesn't read something that's left out in plain site on their property?

And as soon as you realized that it isn't your name on the introduction line, you quit reading. Or if there isn't an introduction line, you quit at the first indication that it isn't intended for you.

But you have to look, how do you know the letter isn't to you? Maybe the e-mail was a suicide note. How would you feel if you didn't read it and prevent their death?

If it was a romantic rival, why would he want to prevent it?
Okay, so your old man screwed you over big-time. Shame on him. It's not even vaguely the same situation here. Your experience was in a committed marriage with expectations. This is a girlfriend of 3 months. Do those equate? Does he have to worry about what's going to happen to the children or his mortgage or who's going to finish paying for that second car?

Daveyrocket; yes, I stand corrected. You can have trust without love, although I find it hard to separate the two. You definitely, however, cannot have love without trust.

OCR; I absolutely love the Carpenters. Until I saw the stills in that video, though, I never realized how much Karen resembles Evo. That's almost spooky.

 

[Monique]

So micromass, let's say I didn't read it. I would never know this is happening, and then what? I guess I would be happier not knowing, but at the same time I would be with someone who is lying to me and not even know it. How can I trust her?

Next time, you could say to your girlfriend that her e-mail was open on your computer and you noticed the guy's name and ask her if they're in contact again. That way you don't go snooping into someone's business and still get to address the issue.

 

[dmacfour]

Last time I got to the point where I was reading my (now former) SO's messages, I should have just ended it. You can't really recover at this point, and a couple of things are possible: 1. She's cheating on you 2. She's not cheating on you, but the lack of trust will end up killing the relationship in the end. My advice is that you break up with her to spare your emotional well being, as well as your girlfriend's.

 

[Hepth]

Next time, you could say to your girlfriend that her e-mail was open on your computer and you noticed the guy's name and ask her if they're in contact again. That way you don't go snooping into someone's business and still get to address the issue.

This is the best way to approach it.

"Hey, you left your email open the other day and before I closed it I saw XXX's name; I thought you weren't talking to him anymore?"

It must be toned as INQUISITIVE rather than ACCUSING. Very light-hearted. Don't appear mad, suspicious, etc.

If she gets instantly mad and defensive, you might have something to worry about. (She fears you know more, and instinctively tries to deflect your perceived anger back to you)

If she has a rational, real response "Oh yeah, he's on that other team and wanted to know how I was getting to the airport" then maybe she's just being honest, and forgot to tell you, or was trying to spare your feelings (by lying, yes, but if the intention is good...).

Remember, girls have to deal with very over-jealous and protective guys, and this early in a relationship I doubt she wants to test your mettle.

Everyone likes to flirt. Deny it all you want, but we all love attention from the opposite (or same) sex. We all also know how it feels to witness a significant other flirt with some else. It doesn't mean they don't care about you. If at a bar a group of cute girls approached you and your friends and bought you all a round of drinks I doubt the first words out of your mouth would be "No thanks, I have a girlfriend" and then you walk away.

Especially when you're young and insecure you want to test your worth and see how attractive you are to others, even when in a relationship. It's not cheating, and while not totally harmless (usually more flirty means more insecure), its one of those things where a small lie my spare the SO's feelings.

Now, if that person XXX happens to be a failed love interest, this insecurity can lead to her to wanting a "back-up plan". She wants to feel like, "Well if he dumps me, at least XXX is still interested" thereby protecting herself from rejection. Again, this will lead to her having to have little lies to keep you from seeing her insecure actions.

I'm not saying forgive and forget (but you could!). I'm not saying dump her (depends on email contents to be honest). I'm saying relax, take a breath, and realize she is a person too, and there are explainable, rational reasons for her actions. If you can develop a deep sense of empathy for her (as a human) you might more fully understand her motives, and this MAY help you come to terms with the situation and you can make a decision you feel comfortable with, rather than a decision you feel you were forced to make.

 

[Dembadon]

I think you should tell her exactly what happened. Don't do what you're upset with her for doing. Be honest and upfront about what you did and how you feel (after you've calmed down a bit). Being honest can, and often does, make things messy. However, I don't think it's honorable or respectable to be deceitful to other people about your actions or feelings. It hinders communication in a relationship and damages your credibility.

 

[member 392791]

This issue was settled a while ago. She said she was scared to tell me, but she was only talking to him through email to get to that competition, and that was it. The content of the e-mail seems to confirm it, so I don't have a reason to not believe it. We moved past that a month ago, so thread can be deleted.

 

[dreamLord]

It's good to know that there was nothing going on between them. The amount of cheating stories I've read online is depressive.

 

[lisab]

It's good to know that there was nothing going on between them. The amount of cheating stories I've read online is depressive.

Well keep in mind, what you read online is a skewed sample. Rarely will someone take the time to post, "My significant other is beloved to me, he/she always thinks of me first and treats me like a queen/king. I can't imagine a better life that the one I have with my mate!"

 

[dreamLord]

Of course - I was just talking about how when you read something online like this situation it's almost certain that something fishy is going on / has happened in the past.

 

[WannabeNewton]

Well keep in mind, what you read online is a skewed sample. Rarely will someone take the time to post, "My significant other is beloved to me, he/she always thinks of me first and treats me like a queen/king. I can't imagine a better life that the one I have with my mate!"

Lol lisab you got to use facebook more often then.

 

[Physics_UG]

Lol lisab you got to use facebook more often then.

Indeed WBN