Your wish is granted: You now know all the answers, but nobody believes you.

[twisting_edge]

Appearances aside, the title isn't mine, but is the original. I swiped the idea from http://forums.westhost.com/showthread.php?t=8297&page=1&pp=10".

In the spirit of "ask a stupid quetion", this is an iterative one. You grant the prior wish in the worst possible way, then make a wish of your own. (The following examples have all been swiped.)

1) I wish I didn't get so much spam.
Your wish is granted: your e-mail server has been deleted.

2) I wish I had my work done already.
Granted: You just lost your job.

3) I wish I had hair.
Your wish is granted, your hair is now long enough to braid, but you will need to start wearing sandals for anyone to see it, as all of it's on your feet.

I'll start.

I wish I had all the answers.

 

[Evo]

I wish I had all the answers.

Your wish is granted - Your head is so full of useless knowledge that you're frozen with indecision.

I wish I had a Teddy Ruxpin.

 

[Moonbear]

I wish I had a Teddy Ruxpin.

Your wish is granted: an old, non-functioning one with corroded batteries fell out of the garbage truck onto your front lawn.

I wish: the grant I'm submitting this week gets funded.

 

[twisting_edge]

I wish: the grant I'm submitting this week gets funded.

Your wish is granted. A philanthropist from Abu Dhabi funds your research. The NSA has already begun its investigation.

I wish I had next weeks' stock prices in hand.

 

[hypatia]

Wish Granted..unfortunately its live-stock, but there's money to be made in pork butts.

I wish i had a Island vacation this winter

 

[twisting_edge]

I wish i had a Island vacation this winter

Your wish is granted. You have embarked on a three hour tour. Unfortunately, it is on the SS Minnow. I trust you have lots of vacation time saved up.

I wish I had an AI smarter than me.

 

[theCandyman]

I wish I had an AI smarter than me.

Your wish is granted, however, due to it's self awareness, it has already self-deleted.

I wish I could speak every language on earth.

Haha, fun game.

 

[Moonbear]

I wish I could speak every language on earth.

Your wish is granted: Unfortunately, you don't understand every language on the Earth, so people mostly ignore you while you mutter to yourself in strange languages all day.

I wish I had a chocolate cake for dessert.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Your wish is granted: Unfortunately, you don't understand every language on the Earth, so people mostly ignore you while you mutter to yourself in strange languages all day.

I wish I had a chocolate cake for dessert.

your wish is granted. unfortunately, it's a urinal cake.

I wish I had a million U.S. dollars.

 

[Evo]

your wish is granted. unfortunately, it's a urinal cake.

I wish I had a million U.S. dollars.

Your wish is granted, unfortunately, they are Confederate US dollars.

I wish I was less accident prone.

 

[hypatia]

Sorry Evo, apparently no one can grant that wish...

I wish my cold to go away befor Thanksgiving

 

[theCandyman]

I wish I was less accident prone.

Your wish is granted, but you are now bed-ridden for the next year.

I wish my cold to go away before Thanksgiving

Your wish is granted, this year's Thanksgiving has been cancelled, you should be well by next year!

 

[Moonbear]

Candyman, you forgot to make your wish!

 

[theCandyman]

Sorry, I granted two wishes and was too tired to type it.

I wish that I ace all my final exams.

 

[moose]

Your wish is granted, however you were caught cheating later on, and you didn't receive credit for your course.

I wish that I get accepted to Cornell University (I find out December 11th!).

 

[twisting_edge]

I wish that I get accepted to Cornell University (I find out December 11th!).

Your wish is granted. When they do not accept you as a student, you become slightly deranged, and wrap a car around a tree, sustaining serious head injuries. After months of rehabilitation, you are nearly capable of filling the role of a janitor. Cornell suddenly goes on a campaign to rid itself of illegal immigrant workers, and is one of the few places to accept your job application for that role (you can transfer to the food service department if you prove yourself reliable over time).

I wish I wasn't supposed to be at the office by 7:30.

(Note the time of the post.)

 

[Moonbear]

I wish I wasn't supposed to be at the office by 7:30.

Your wish is granted: You have a new "early bird" boss who schedules mandatory meetings every morning at 5:30 AM.

I wish I could get someone else to do the grocery shopping I need to do today.

 

[Echo 6 Sierra]

I wish I could get someone else to do the grocery shopping I need to do today.

Your wish is granted, however, I did your shopping and you now only have a weeks supply of limburgher cheeze, capers, and bread & butter pickles.

I wish I could hurry and finish school.

 

[turbo]

Your wish is granted, however, I did your shopping and you now only have a weeks supply of limburgher cheeze, capers, and bread & butter pickles.

I wish I could hurry and finish school.

Your wish is granted. You have been expelled with no chance of re-enrollment. There is an assistant manager job open at McDonald's.

I wish I had a real working Jedi light-saber.

 

[Echo 6 Sierra]

I wish I had a real working Jedi light-saber.

Your wish is granted. Unfortunately, yaint got skilz and General Grievous just pulled into the driveway.

 

[Evo]

Your wish is granted. Unfortunately, yaint got skilz and General Grievous just pulled into the driveway.

You forgot to make a wish.

 

[Echo 6 Sierra]

Oops...I wish my sinuses would stop draining.

 

[turbo]

Oops...I wish my sinuses would stop draining.

Your wish has been granted. Your sinuses will no longer drain, but will accumulate fluids causing excruciating pain.

I wish that the Earth's axis of rotation was not inclined, so we could all pick a latitude and enjoy it.

 

[moose]

Your wish has been granted. Your sinuses will no longer drain, but will accumulate fluids causing excruciating pain.

I wish that the Earth's axis of rotation was not inclined, so we could all pick a latitude and enjoy it.

Your wish is granted. However, this was caused by several GIGANTIC collisions! The only life on Earth left to enjoy the latitude they have chosen is this smiley

I wish I wasn't so sleepy right now.


EDIT: I noticed that on a lot of these, saying "your wish is granted, you died" would work.

EDIT2: None of these were actual edits, I just use this isntead of a ps or something.

EDIT3: lol

 

[Echo 6 Sierra]

I wish I wasn't so sleepy right now.

Your wish is granted. However, the water boarding used to accomplish this has left you with pulmonary fibrosis and pneumonia.

I wish middle and high school teachers were paid at least 20 percent more than they are now.

 

[matthyaouw]

Granted. The extra money has to come from other government areas such as the police, who go on mass strike, at which point country wide riots break out as there is no one to stop it.

I wish I didn't have to get up at 4:30am tomorrow to measure tidal currents.

 

[pete5383]

"I wish I didn't have to get up at 4:30am tomorrow to measure tidal currents."


Granted: All of Earth's water mysteriously vanishes. You get to wake up late, unfortunatly, when you do wake up, you're really thirsty...alas, there is no water.


I wish that my Calc class was curved.

 

[SticksandStones]

Granted, but it's a bell-curve and you get a C.

I wish I had a baloon.

 

[Mech_Engineer]

Granted. Unfortunately by misspelling "balloon" you have received a rowing vessel formerly used in various parts of the Indies. Enjoy.

I wish I had more wishes.

 

[Pyrrhus]

I wish I had more wishes.

Granted, but they are all twisted wishes.

I wish everybody got what they wanted from Christmas.

 

[SticksandStones]

Granted. Unfortunately by misspelling "balloon" you have received a rowing vessel formerly used in various parts of the Indies. Enjoy.

Sweet!

I wish everybody got what they wanted from Christmas.

Granted, but it causes a major disaster in the economy that takes years to recover from. But, hey, at least you got that new TV right?

EDIT: Forgot a wish:

I wish for a glass of ice tea.

 

[BobG]

Granted, but they are all twisted wishes.

I wish everybody got what they wanted from Christmas.

Granted. But everything will be repossessed when you can't pay the credit card bills.

I wish I had a round tuit.

PS: By the way, what's so bad about having a rowing vessel formerly used in various parts of the Indies? That sounds kind of neat.

 

[Echo 6 Sierra]

I wish for a glass of ice tea.

Granted, but it's a very large glass and immmediately after you drink it your ureters will swell shut.

I wish I had a round tuit.

Granted. But now that you've finally got a round tuit you're just too tired to mess with it...holidays and all that rot.

I wish I had x-ray vision.

 

[matthyaouw]

Granted. You cannot see soft tissue at all and can't identify people. you also have a tendency to walk into soft things like shrubs, cardboard boxes and the like. Your associates have a rather higher incidence of cancer than you'd like.

I wish that I could drive.

 

[Echo 6 Sierra]

Granted. You cannot see soft tissue at all and can't identify people. you also have a tendency to walk into soft things like shrubs, cardboard boxes and the like. Your associates have a rather higher incidence of cancer than you'd like.

Good one,I LOVE IT!

I wish that I could drive.

Granted, but your license is for "Oxen-drawn cart only", the year is 1846, and you just met a man named George Donner.

EDIT: DANGIT! I wish I could remember to make a wish.

 

[Mk]

I think you need a wish Echo.

 

[Math Is Hard]

I think you need a wish Echo.

I wish Echo 6 Sierra would make a wish.

 

[twisting_edge]

EDIT: DANGIT! I wish I could remember to make a wish.

Your wish is granted. You are consumed with the desire to place wishes in this game, displacing all other activities in your life (assuming you had any to start with, of course).

I wish Zotchie (my cat) was just slightly less feral in her behavior.

(It's easy to come up with a wish when one is in the process of losing one's toes to the vicious little beast even as one types.)

 

[theCandyman]

I wish Zotchie (my cat) was just slightly less feral in her behavior.

Granted, your cat has become so domesticated it starts sleeping in your bed and using the bathroom when you need to use it.

I wish for world peace.

 

[twisting_edge]

I wish for world peace.

Your wish is granted. A dictator takes over the entire world and enslaves all the people. Those that would resist have been entirely eradicated.

I wish my car ran well without consuming any fuel.

P.S.: Zotchie already sleeps on the bed (the more easily to fang me at her leisure when she wakes up for a midnight snack), and uses the bathroom when I do.

 

[BobG]

Granted, your cat has become so domesticated it starts sleeping in your bed and using the bathroom when you need to use it.

I wish for world peace.

Granted. The Sun will become a red giant, bringing everlasting peace on Earth.

I wish I had some sunscreen.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Granted. The Sun will become a red giant, bringing everlasting peace on Earth.

I wish I had some sunscreen.

Granted. Unfortunately, it's tuna fish flavored sunscreen and now a pack of feral cats follows you everywhere you go.

I wish I were an Oscar Mayer weiner.

 

[Moonbear]

I wish I were an Oscar Mayer weiner.

I can't resist...your wish is granted. Unfortunately, you discover that Oscar Mayer is more twisted than your wish and dips his weiner into places you never wanted to go (it was tough keeping this one PG-13 ).

I wish I had someone to do my laundry for me.

 

[turbo]

I can't resist...your wish is granted. Unfortunately, you discover that Oscar Mayer is more twisted than your wish and dips his weiner into places you never wanted to go (it was tough keeping this one PG-13 ).

I wish I had someone to do my laundry for me.

Your wish is granted. The big, trollish-looking fellow who lives by the bridge takes your clothes down to the river and pounds them with rocks. Unfortunately, you are still wearing them.

I wish that my (t)rusty old Nissan pickup would never wear out.

 

[BobG]

I can't resist...your wish is granted. Unfortunately, you discover that Oscar Mayer is more twisted than your wish and dips his weiner into places you never wanted to go (it was tough keeping this one PG-13 ).

I wish I had someone to do my laundry for me.

Granted. I'll do your laundry for you. You don't mind if everything comes out the same color, right? It'll make it easier to color coordinate your outfits. You're not too picky about the size either, right? The tighter, the better.

I really wish I had ...

No, wait, I can't just repeat the same wish.

I wish I had a leaf blower.

 

[twisting_edge]

I wish I had someone to do my laundry for me.

Your wish is granted. You are now married to Quasimodo.

I wish they'd quit cutting down all the trees on my street.

 

[SticksandStones]

Your wish is granted. The trees grow so large, that they cause damage to the power lines and catch fire.

I wish for a new tree.

 

[Moonbear]

I had no idea so many people would jump to do my laundry!

I wish that my (t)rusty old Nissan pickup would never wear out.

I wish I had a leaf blower.

I wish they'd quit cutting down all the trees on my street.

All three are granted: they quit cutting down all the trees on t_e's street, and start cutting down all the ones in BobG's neighborhood instead. Unfortunately, they have also delivered all the leaf blowers to BobG's neighborhood, so all the leaves dropped by the new forest growing in t_e's neighborhood must be raked by hand. turbo's pick up never wears out, but it also never turns off and sounds a lot like a leaf blower running all night long. His neighbors are threatening to club him with the logs they collected from BobG's neighborhood.

Well, since I got such wonderful help with the laundry......I wish for a new wardrobe.

 

[BobG]

I had no idea so many people would jump to do my laundry!







All three are granted: they quit cutting down all the trees on t_e's street, and start cutting down all the ones in BobG's neighborhood instead. Unfortunately, they have also delivered all the leaf blowers to BobG's neighborhood, so all the leaves dropped by the new forest growing in t_e's neighborhood must be raked by hand. turbo's pick up never wears out, but it also never turns off and sounds a lot like a leaf blower running all night long. His neighbors are threatening to club him with the logs they collected from BobG's neighborhood.

Well, since I got such wonderful help with the laundry......I wish for a new wardrobe.

Granted. You've just inherited all the costumes from 'Brady Bunch, The Movie'.

I wish togas were back in style.

 

[twisting_edge]

I wish togas were back in style.

Your wish is granted. You now live with a bunch of people who watched Animal House far too many times for their (or anyone else's) good.

I wish I were as good at coming up with wishes as I am at the snappy answers.

[edit: the original wish was "I wish I had a really powerful computer", but I changed it immediately...evidently not soon enough, though.]