Navigating a New Relationship: Should I Ask Her Out?

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The discussion revolves around the challenges of asking a girl out after developing a friendship. The main concern is whether to ask her to hang out casually or to directly propose a date, with an emphasis on doing this in person rather than via email. Participants suggest starting with low-pressure invitations, like meeting for coffee or discussing shared interests such as math and philosophy. It's advised to express genuine interest in her company without being overly direct, which could scare her off. Compliments are debated, with caution advised against making her feel obligated to say yes. The importance of confidence and putting oneself out there is highlighted, along with the understanding that rejection is common in dating. Ultimately, the consensus leans towards being straightforward while ensuring the approach feels natural and not forced, and to gauge her interest through casual interactions before escalating to a date.
cragar
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There is this girl that I am interested in. We have talked at school over the last couple of months.
Should i ask her to hang out first. Or should i ask her on a date. And this should probably be in person. I'm worried about moving to fast. What kind of things can I say to her to see if she might want to date me without being to direct and putting her on the spot and scaring her off. She is very smart and beautiful, i don't want to screw it up. we talk about math and philosophy mostly.
 
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I understand your situation. It's difficult but you don't want to appear too timid or scared.

Try something like this: Pick a coffee house/bakery/bar you like - a nice place in walking distance. Next time you talk to her, ask her if she has been there. Say something like, "It's a great place. I really like talking with you and I'd like to take you there - are you free now? Let's go there!"

If she agrees and goes there with you, you pay for the coffee/pastry/drinks.
 
thats a good idea. is it important that i say " I really like talking with you and I'd like to take you there."
or could I say " I really like talking with you and we could go there."
 
lisab has a good suggestion. If one is at university, one could propose having lunch or coffee together.

Or another possibility would be to share some food, e.g., cookies or pastries, that she might like.

With the first girl about whom I was serious, I took her flowers and a card to brighten up her day. That was after encountering each other on campus periodically.

cragar said:
thats a good idea. is it important that i say " I really like talking with you and I'd like to take you there."
or could I say " I really like talking with you and we could go there."
Or "I enjoy our conversations. I know a nice place that has a great _________. May I take you there?" (or "May I show you", "Would you care to join me for lunch/dinner/coffee/snack?")
 
ok thanks for all the good advice. right now it is summer and I am not sure if she is on campus. the only way I have to contact her now is by e-mail. should I try to get her on campus or ask her something else. should I ask her what her plans are.
 
cragar said:
ok thanks for all the good advice. right now it is summer and I am not sure if she is on campus. the only way I have to contact her now is by e-mail. should I try to get her on campus or ask her something else. should I ask her what her plans are.

Good idea. You could say, "What have you been up to, are you around? I'm having great fun this summer doing (whatever you've been doing). I miss our math and philosophy chats, though! I'd like to meet you for coffee and conversation at (name a place), are you available tomorrow at 11:00?"

Then if it's awkward, it's just coffee. If it goes well you could have lunch together.
 
lisab said:
If she agrees and goes there with you, you pay for the coffee/pastry/drinks.
This is not a very feministic viewpoint and could influence the date in a negative way...
 
lisab said:
good idea. You could say, "what have you been up to, are you around? I'm having great fun this summer doing (whatever you've been doing). I miss our math and philosophy chats, though! I'd like to meet you for coffee and conversation at (name a place), are you available tomorrow at 11:00?"

then if it's awkward, it's just coffee. If it goes well you could have lunch together.

this!
 
didn't exactly go as planned, she had to go somewhere before I could ask her to go have lunch. I am having a hard time to tell if she is possibly interested in me, should I test the water a little bit over e-mail, I am not sure how to test them though, I guess just start conversation.
 
  • #10
cragar said:
didn't exactly go as planned, she had to go somewhere before I could ask her to go have lunch. I am having a hard time to tell if she is possibly interested in me, should I test the water a little bit over e-mail, I am not sure how to test them though, I guess just start conversation.
You know the way I go about this? I make a flying majestic robot that lands in the subject's garden (in a majestic way with confetti and stuff) and asks the person in question whether it would like to go out on a date with me.

Only problem is that the person in question always asks me about how the robot works and the whole date is spent talking about the robot, not us (I'm even starting to get jealous of my robot).

On the serious part of the thread:

You know what girls do? They put a candy (usually chocolate) in the boy's backpack without them noticing. The candy is enveloped in a note that contains a very sweet positive message with hearts and funny stuff on it. Find out what class may be taking a toll on her (if any) and write a short sentence that will make her feel like you understand her position and that you care (because you could understand and not care). Try it, it should deliver a message and make it easier to ask for a date later on.
 
  • #11
cragar said:
didn't exactly go as planned, she had to go somewhere before I could ask her to go have lunch. I am having a hard time to tell if she is possibly interested in me, should I test the water a little bit over e-mail, I am not sure how to test them though, I guess just start conversation.

Keep it simple, just ask her out (not by email!).

You don't know if she is interested unless you put yourself out there. It's all part of being a guy, women have it easy when it comes to dating :)
 
  • #12
is it ok to ask her to hang out,then ask her out in person.
 
  • #13
cragar said:
is it ok to ask her to hang out,then ask her out in person.
Hmmmm. That's confusing. If you ask to hang out, isn't that the same as asking for a date?

Anyway, if you do so make sure that when you ask the person in question, that person is free to say no. Like don't make a favor or behave too nice because the person might feel like it owes you for your gentleness and if it answers "yes" or "ok" it won't be for real. That "yes" or "ok" has to be for real. Not because they are paying you back for how well you've treated them or because you cornered them in a situation where a "no" would look ugly.

I'm cheering here for you! Do it! But do it rightly! (No cornering allowed!)
 
  • #14
the only reason I am asking about asking her to hangout is because the only way I can contact her right now is by e-mail, So I have to e-mail her to start the meet up then I would ask her out to dinner or something in person. When i ask her to meet up, should I compliment her before I ask her out. Thanks for the help by the way.
 
  • #15
Well I find it is okay that way then.
cragar said:
When i ask her to meet up, should I compliment her before I ask her out. Thanks for the help by the way.
IMO, that's cornering. The person may feel bad for letting down someone who just complimented it. I would so not go in there.

But let's see if someone else has something to say on the matter. Maybe someone with more experience. *noise* calling all PFmers with experience. *noise* Over and out *noise*
 
  • #16
I don't have any advice on how to successfully ask a girl out, but I know and have used a surefire way to determine if one is not interested in doing so and not waste any more of your time than you need to:

At any time leading up to a break, recess, or weekend: "want to go get ____". Insert the beverage of choice or the appropriate meal of the day. Or precede with a question along the lines if she likes a certain cuisine x (which can backfire if you don't find out beforehand!)

Now there may very well be a legitimate reason/obligation she has for her to turn you down, but honestly after two or three failed tries/good excuses, you can rest assure she's not interested. If she was, she would make room for you in her schedule. Or tell you straight up she has a boyfriend if that's the case.

Edit: I missed this
cragar said:
is it ok to ask her to hang out,then ask her out in person.
I suppose, anything is better than asking by email/sms. But you better have a good reason for meeting up to "hang out", especially if it's just the two of you. She will see right past that.
 
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  • #17
Lavabug said:
But you better have a good reason for meeting up to "hang out", especially if it's just the two of you. She will see right past that.

Some things haven't changed in the last 50 years :biggrin:
wait-here%2Bcopy.tif.jpg
 
  • #18
Lavabug said:
I don't have any advice on how to successfully ask a girl out, but I know and have used a surefire way to determine if one is not interested in doing so and not waste any more of your time than you need to:

At any time leading up to a break, recess, or weekend: "want to go get ____". Insert the beverage of choice or the appropriate meal of the day. Or precede with a question along the lines if she likes a certain cuisine x (which can backfire if you don't find out beforehand!)

Now there may very well be a legitimate reason/obligation she has for her to turn you down, but honestly after two or three failed tries/good excuses, you can rest assure she's not interested. If she was, she would make room for you in her schedule. Or tell you straight up she has a boyfriend if that's the case.

Edit: I missed this

I suppose, anything is better than asking by email/sms. But you better have a good reason for meeting up to "hang out", especially if it's just the two of you. She will see right past that.
ok I need a good reason to get her to hang out with me, like what, the last time I got her to meet up, was to possibly start a math project on number theory, it worked. but now I feel it will be trickier for the next one. How do I get her to potentially meet up and not have her see through it. If she sees through it, what does that mean. like I want her to hang out but not as a date.
 
  • #19
Show your work. :smile:
 
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  • #20
It sounds like you are in a situation where the only opportunity you have to see this girl again is if you meet up through a connection made via email. Try again but don't fret too much over the details. If it doesn't work out then go with someone else that peaks your interest.

You will find that most of the women you ask out will say 'yes', all you have to do is put yourself out there.

On another note:
Lavabug said:
Show your work. :smile:

:smile::smile::smile:
 
  • #21
mesa said:
You will find that most of the women you ask out will say 'yes', all you have to do is put yourself out there.

I think you meant to say 'no'...
 
  • #22
Lavabug said:
I think you meant to say 'no'...

As hard as it may be to believe young women like to date just as much as their respective counterparts ;)
 
  • #23
What I meant is what you can really expect -unless you're a really high percentile male- is close to 99% rejection asking for a date.
 
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  • #24
Lavabug said:
What I meant is what you can really expect -unless you're a really high percentile male- is close to 99% rejection asking for a date.

We are all capable of being 'high percentile', like with everything else it just takes a little practice.
 
  • #25
Bro do you even math.

That's like saying everyone can set athletic world records with enough practice.
 
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  • #26
Lavabug said:
That's like saying everyone can set athletic world records with enough practice.

Regular old ordinary people are dating everyday, it is easy once you get the hang of it.
 
  • #27
But that's not what I disagreed with. Most date requests do not produce the intended result for most males was the point.
 
  • #28
Lavabug said:
But that's not what I disagreed with. Most date requests do not produce the intended result for most males was the point.

I disagree with that, 'rejection' should be a rare thing, if not it may be time to try a different approach. Perhaps start off with a better outlook, to some it may seem silly but being positive and confident can carry you a long way.
 
  • #29
mesa said:
I disagree with that, 'rejection' should be a rare thing,.
That's impossible in dating from male POV.
 
  • #30
dirk_mec1 said:
That's impossible in dating from male POV.

I am speaking from our point of view. Having a positive attitude and confidence is all you need, going into a situation thinking all is lost will only continue to get you the same negative result.

Don't make it harder than it needs to be guys ;)
 
  • #31
mesa said:
I disagree with that, 'rejection' should be a rare thing, if not it may be time to try a different approach. Perhaps start off with a better outlook, to some it may seem silly but being positive and confident can carry you a long way.

"Should" does not mean "is". And we can talk all day about outlook etc., but the brass tacks of the matter is even as an above-average male, you should assume most requests for a date will not lead to a date. This I have heard from even very above average males who do get plenty of dates, most of their approaches fail. It's a very simple demand and supply problem.
 
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  • #32
mesa said:
I disagree with that, 'rejection' should be a rare thing, if not it may be time to try a different approach. Perhaps start off with a better outlook, to some it may seem silly but being positive and confident can carry you a long way.

Questions for you:

(1) How often do you ask women out, and how often do they say "yes" or "no" (or any other answer)?

(2) How would you rate your physical appearance?

Btw, I am assuming here that you are either a heterosexual man or a bisexual male -- if neither applies, please correct me.
 
  • #33
Another question to ask is how many women has he ever asked out on dates in his lifetime.

Online dating sites reflect the issue very well, although probably in a bit more exaggerated fashion. It is well known most men on dating sites do extremely poorly in getting any dates, society or what have you at has made it so that the game/choice is always skewed in favor of women.
 
  • #34
StatGuy2000 said:
Questions for you:

(1) How often do you ask women out, and how often do they say "yes" or "no" (or any other answer)?

It depends, right now the lady I have been seeing is leaving to finish up school in Texas so I will be jumping back in. I would say a 'yes' happens about 90% of the time.

StatGuy2000 said:
(2) How would you rate your physical appearance?

Average.

StatGuy2000 said:
Btw, I am assuming here that you are either a heterosexual man or a bisexual male -- if neither applies, please correct me.

Your assumption is correct.

Lavabug said:
Another question to ask is how many women has he ever asked out on dates in his lifetime.

Alot, but that only means missing out on some really nice women while being too busy acquiring more (much wiser now).

Lavabug said:
Online dating sites reflect the issue very well, although probably in a bit more exaggerated fashion. It is well known most men on dating sites do extremely poorly in getting any dates, society or what have you at has made it so that the game/choice is always skewed in favor of women.

There is a big difference between the net and the real world and as such this does not make for a good comparison. Online women are bombarded with requests because men have anonymity so it is easy to put yourself out there. In the real world it is fairly rare that a gentleman asks out a lady so women tend to respond very positively to that.

Your best bet is to be positive, confident and not wait too long to ask them out. With a little practice asking out women and going on dates becomes a real pleasure.
 
  • #35
even if I get rejected, I will just keep trying till I find someone.
But Do you think it would be ok to ask her to meet up to talk about random philosophy stuff or something along those lines, should I say I like talking to her.
 
  • #36
cragar said:
even if I get rejected, I will just keep trying till I find someone.
But Do you think it would be ok to ask her to meet up to talk about random philosophy stuff or something along those lines, should I say I like talking to her.

I think you should say whatever comes to mind while talking to her. I don't think it's a good idea to plan out things you're going to say, because then it's scripted and you try to work it in instead of letting the conversation flow naturally.
 
  • #37
leroyjenkens said:
I think you should say whatever comes to mind while talking to her. I don't think it's a good idea to plan out things you're going to say, because then it's scripted and you try to work it in instead of letting the conversation flow naturally.

Ditto to that.

Cragar, good luck!
 
  • #38
cragar said:
even if I get rejected, I will just keep trying till I find someone.
Slow down. You may want to use the experience to take some time to find out more about yourself, what you like, getting comfortable with yourself. Perhaps you are well read. But where have you traveled? What have you done? Announcing "I will just keep trying" might reflect resilience, but if followed blindly smacks of desperation, with little sense of self. Self knowledge and experience leads to confidence and enthusiasm; it is that which makes one attractive to another, *especially* for males in pursuit of females.

But Do you think it would be ok to ask her to meet up to talk about random philosophy stuff or something along those lines, ...
Random? No. Who wants to listen to truly random? If you have some particular area of philosophy or philosophers about which you are engaged, and have some ability to relate that material to someone else, then by all means. That said, be sure to include acknowledgment in the conversation that the topic *may* be laborious to someone else, i.e. "Forgive me for going on about this, perhaps its laborious, but I love Kant", which is a way of saying I know I'm here with woman and its not all about me. And then be prepared to change the subject if need be.
 
  • #39
Lavabug said:
Online dating sites reflect the issue very well, although probably in a bit more exaggerated fashion. It is well known most men on dating sites do extremely poorly in getting any dates, society or what have you at has made it so that the game/choice is always skewed in favor of women.
Yes this is true. I've seen it happen many times.
 
  • #40
Initially just get into the habit of approaching women confidently. Do several approaches, more than a few times you might be politely rejected, but that's ok. Do this several hundred times. This will help you in several ways.

It will remove your fear of approaching women. The fear of rejection will vanish. The transition from approaching to holding a conversation and even getting her phone number will be much more smoother.
 
  • #41
dirk_mec1 said:
Yes this is true. I've seen it happen many times.

It may be time for a different approach. It helps if the initial intention is not to ask the person out but just to chat and see where it goes from there. This goes for both men and women, when you are comfortable in any setting everything goes as it should.
 
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  • #42
mesa said:
It may be time for a different approach. It helps if the initial intention is not to ask the person out but just to chat and see where it goes from there. This goes for both men and women, when you are comfortable in any setting everything goes as it should.
If the villagers have no bread, let them eat cake.

This is more often than not a 1 way ticket to the friend zone for males. Avoid this if you actually want a date.
 
  • #43
Lavabug said:
If the villagers have no bread, let them eat cake.

This is more often than not a 1 way ticket to the friend zone for males. Avoid this if you actually want a date.

Many here are saying they are experiencing a high rate of rejection, if this is the case then it is time for a different approach because it shouldn't be that way. A good place to start is by honing basic social skills and the best way to do that is by talking to more people (both men and women) in everyday situations.

Or you can stay the course and see how that works out.
 
  • #44
Lavabug said:
If the villagers have no bread, let them eat cake.

This is more often than not a 1 way ticket to the friend zone for males. Avoid this if you actually want a date.

No, that's a 1-way ticket to the friend zone if you do nothing more have friendly chats. His idea is not to go in with expectations, but to be friendly with the other person, and see where it goes. Poorly? Don't ask out on date. Well? Ask out on date. If you entirely forgo the "ask out on date" section, then it might lead to the "friend zone."

Anyway, the friend zone is a myth for guys who never solidly set forth their intentions. Mesa is proposing that you ought to hold off on revealing your intentions for a relationship until after you have a nice conversation with a woman. Seems like good advice to me.
 
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