Middle Age: Breaking Comfort Zones & Starting New Adventures

[lisab]

A while back, there was a thread about how difficult it is to start new friendships as an adult. There were many thoughtful posts there…one in particular caught my attention and got me thinking about aging in general:

(Middle age people) are busy being old: increasingly mentally restricting themselves to behaviors and attitudes they think are age appropriate for them.

https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2518422&postcount=20"

Sigh…oh my, so familiar! I’ve found this to be sadly accurate of a lot of people once they get to middle age. Routines are comforting at every age, but in middle age they can become sacrosanct and inviolable. They can be soothing, but also like heroine to our spirits, turning us into effete, automated machines that get grouchy when we're out of our safe little ruts.

I wish I was immune from this but I feel the pull too, the way a comfy bed calls you when you’re tired. To counter it, I force myself to take risks. Now I’m not talking about doing stupid things. I mean, doing the kind of things that surprise my friends and family when they hear about it (for example, belly dancing lessons, haha ).

I’m directing this thread to anyone who fights against tedium, but mostly middle aged people, since it seems that’s when it becomes harder to take risks.

So are there any PFers working to get out of the comfort zone? How?

 

[rootX]

I am too young but seems like it is very hard to do something new for me.

 

[Lacy33]

Yeah Lisab, I'm thinking of reinventing myself by doing new things. One, I think I must be already a wergin again like Madonna so I can probably marry royalty.
In reality I have taken up Michael Jackson again. Dancing and singing. Being cool. I cool.
My husband is going orthodox on me so I will be ...being cool in a long dress, but I still be cool. I was also just watching CNN and there is a younger woman who is helping folks like us live longer at home. I may give up a "power nap" or two to go help her out... While I still can.
Thanks for asking ... Now, "Who's Bad?"

 

[magpies]

I got put in "jail" for doing what you suggest. So my advice is be careful and don't let any of the other adults see you doing it.
Also I don't agree with your efforts to resist your bed. If you remember when you where a kid if you felt tired you where probably willing to sleep regardless to what was going on around you. I myself only sleep when I am feeling tired this means I for the most part have no sleep pattern besides random and take naps when ever I feel like it. Actually I am about to go take one now...

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I am trying to save money so I have become a hermit. I used to love to go out to bars and shoot pool. Met many an interesting character I met that way.

 

[Math Is Hard]

I think that was me who made the thread complaining about having trouble making friends, and resolving to try harder this year. I've been making some progress. I invited two new people to lunch last month - both women who work on campus but in different departments. Both accepted and we had a really nice time. I also have plans with two coworkers in my division, one is going to lunch with me and another is going with me to a comedy club. And one of my old pals who lives far from me now is going to be in town next weekend and we are going to the movies. I also joined several Meetup groups, but haven't had time to do any of them because I have been busy with a class (the class has provided a bit of networking and new friends, as well).

So, I'm happy to report I did get a little bit done on my New Years resolution.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I think that was me who made the thread complaining about having trouble making friends, and resolving to try harder this year. I've been making some progress. I invited two new people to lunch last month - both women who work on campus but in different departments. Both accepted and we had a really nice time. I also have plans with two coworkers in my division, one is going to lunch with me and another is going with me to a comedy club. And one of my old pals who lives far from me now is going to be in town next weekend and we are going to the movies. I also joined several Meetup groups, but haven't had time to do any of them because I have been busy with a class (the class has provided a bit of networking and new friends, as well).

So, I'm happy to report I did get a little bit done on my New Years resolution.

No new cats then? :-(

 

[lisab]

I got put in "jail" for doing what you suggest. So my advice is be careful and don't let any of the other adults see you doing it.
Also I don't agree with your efforts to resist your bed. If you remember when you where a kid if you felt tired you where probably willing to sleep regardless to what was going on around you. I myself only sleep when I am feeling tired this means I for the most part have no sleep pattern besides random and take naps when ever I feel like it. Actually I am about to go take one now...

The bed thingy was a metaphor . I get plenty of sleep every night!

 

[lisab]

I think that was me who made the thread complaining about having trouble making friends, and resolving to try harder this year. I've been making some progress. I invited two new people to lunch last month - both women who work on campus but in different departments. Both accepted and we had a really nice time. I also have plans with two coworkers in my division, one is going to lunch with me and another is going with me to a comedy club. And one of my old pals who lives far from me now is going to be in town next weekend and we are going to the movies. I also joined several Meetup groups, but haven't had time to do any of them because I have been busy with a class (the class has provided a bit of networking and new friends, as well).

So, I'm happy to report I did get a little bit done on my New Years resolution.

Excellent! That's just the kind of risk taking that gets harder for me. I took a class too, and I think I was older than the professor. Which is fine, maybe I can follow Zooby's lead and make friends with younger people.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

The family is going to Ecuador this summer. I have to come back to work so I'll only be there for a week. But my wife and son will stay for 3 weeks. We are going to scope out the place for possible retirement there. Apparently there is a large expat community there. I'll have to brush up on my Spanish. "Escuchame bien!", "A mi manera", etc.

 

[Astronuc]

I meet new people all the time. I've never had trouble meeting people or making new friends.

Work is very busy these days. It's challenging, at times a bit overwhelming, but we still manage to have fun.

 

[lisab]

The family is going to Ecuador this summer. I have to come back to work so I'll only be there for a week. But my wife and son will stay for 3 weeks. We are going to scope out the place for possible retirement there. Apparently there is a large expat community there. I'll have to brush up on my Spanish. "Escuchame bien!", "A mi manera", etc.

Uno cerveza mas, por favor.

I've heard the same about Costa Rica...it sounds like a great place. Except, a friend of mine did have a bit of a mishap there - his wife hit a monkey while driving.

So watch out for monkeys, Jimmy!

 

[Math Is Hard]

No new cats then? :-(

Not yet. I am planning to move, so I don't want to take on more animals until I know what the new policies will be.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Yeah Lisab, I'm thinking of reinventing myself by doing new things. One, I think I must be already a wergin again like Madonna so I can probably marry royalty.
In reality I have taken up Michael Jackson again. Dancing and singing. Being cool. I cool.
My husband is going orthodox on me so I will be ...being cool in a long dress, but I still be cool. I was also just watching CNN and there is a younger woman who is helping folks like us live longer at home. I may give up a "power nap" or two to go help her out... While I still can.
Thanks for asking ... Now, "Who's Bad?"

Greg can teach you the Thriller dance.

Now, where did that video go?

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

So watch out for monkeys, Jimmy!

Apparently monkeys are as common in Ecuador as people are in North Jersey.

 

[rewebster]

lisab--when I read your post, my first thought was--'What is she going to do?'------it sounds like you have something in mind already (like a list, but with one thing nearer the top of the list)----


soooooo, is it something like going to Marrakesh to learn belly dancing the old fashion way?

 

[Lacy33]

Greg can teach you the Thriller dance.

Now, where did that video go?

I saw that video. That's why... Eventually I wrote to Greg and asked him about the way the young people he knows feel about MJ and that is kinda how I got started back up.
I guess i would say Greg started it, but I don't think Greg wasn't yet here when we were first singing and dancing with Michael. OK,... "Who's Bad?"

 

[lisab]

lisab--when I read your post, my first thought was--'What is she going to do?'------it sounds like you have something in mind already (like a list, but with one thing nearer the top of the list)----


soooooo, is it something like going to Marrakesh to learn belly dancing the old fashion way?

Well, like most people, I have a list in my head of "I want to do that someday". That list doesn't have Marrakesh on it...but maybe it should !

No, I have nothing particular in mind. I'm just trying avoid being too risk-averse in my old age.

 

[hypatia]

I make plans several times a month to go see live music. Sometimes its with my younger friends, and then friends my age, but I also have friends who are over 70.

I don't have a problem making friends. When I am forced to eat alone, I approach someone else who is eating alone, and ask to join them. I have never been refused, but a few times they were so odd I sort of regretted it.

 

[maudlynne]

I don't have a problem making friends. When I am forced to eat alone, I approach someone else who is eating alone, and ask to join them. I have never been refused, but a few times they were so odd I sort of regretted it.

That's so great Hypatia. I wish I could be so bold.

 

[DaveC426913]

I don't have a problem making friends. When I am forced to eat alone, I approach someone else who is eating alone, and ask to join them. I have never been refused, but a few times they were so odd I sort of regretted it.

I have a feeling this habit may not work as well for approximately 50% of the population...

 

[maudlynne]

I have a feeling this habit may not work as well for approximately 50% of the population...

you know, you may be right Dave.

 

[rootX]

you know, you may be right Dave.

what that means? you may be right -- > you may not be right?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

After twenty years, I changed coffee brands.

 

[DaveC426913]

what that means? you may be right -- > you may not be right?

I suspect that, if I walked up to a stranger and asked if I could join them for lunch, I might not have quite as much luck as Hyp. I suspect you may have the same experience. Also, Ivan. Jimmy. Astro...

 

[DaveC426913]

I moored my Southwind under sail. No motor.

Which is not so awesome, but...

Today I did it single-handed.

One hand for tiller, one hand for sail, one hand for boat hook.

 

[DanP]

A while back, there was a thread about how difficult it is to start new friendships as an adult. There were many thoughtful posts there…one in particular caught my attention and got me thinking about aging in general:



https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2518422&postcount=20"

Sigh…oh my, so familiar! I’ve found this to be sadly accurate of a lot of people once they get to middle age. Routines are comforting at every age, but in middle age they can become sacrosanct and inviolable. They can be soothing, but also like heroine to our spirits, turning us into effete, automated machines that get grouchy when we're out of our safe little ruts.

I wish I was immune from this but I feel the pull too, the way a comfy bed calls you when you’re tired. To counter it, I force myself to take risks. Now I’m not talking about doing stupid things. I mean, doing the kind of things that surprise my friends and family when they hear about it (for example, belly dancing lessons, haha ).

I’m directing this thread to anyone who fights against tedium, but mostly middle aged people, since it seems that’s when it becomes harder to take risks.

So are there any PFers working to get out of the comfort zone? How?

Im only 37 so quite far away from mid-life, but anyway, ill give you my 2 cents.

It's the devastating effect of a snobbish, "I know better", society. Attitudes "appropriate for an age" are the result of the pressure of conformity, coming from the gross mass of social material, who are nothing but a bunch of inert slugs, and what's sad, they are even proud of what they are.

I don't find hard to meet ppl. Social contact is natural, so the only thing you have to do is keep an open mind and the possibilities will present themselves everywhere. During work, at the gym, in holidays, just about everywhere to be honest.

As for fighting the personal inertia, it is my belief that keeping an active life does the trick. You become lazy and inert when you stop too long time in a place. Comfort rears it's ugly head and before you know you are lost. You became part of the inert mass. So the idea is to keep on going, and train yourself to be oblivious to the social pressure to conform.

And ill post once again one of my fav quotes, this is from M. Twain:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

 

[Borg]

I suspect that, if I walked up to a stranger and asked if I could join them for lunch, I might not have quite as much luck as Hyp. I suspect you may have the same experience. Also, Ivan. Jimmy. Astro...

Obviously, it's that interesting purple hairdo that Hypatia has.

Edit: I'm sure that Borek wouldn't have any trouble at all.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Jimmy.

When I was younger, I was quite shy of women. I got this one piece of advice: Before you strike up a conversation with a woman, already have an exit strategy (women, this works with men). If you get flustered and nervous and sure that you are going to blurt out the wrong thing, cut and run. Suddenly remember an appointment with your financial advisor or something. I put this plan into action and overcame my shyness. I learned that people love to talk about themselves and all it takes for a successful encounter is to draw them out. Be genuinely interested in them and what they are experiencing and you will soon be on the right side of that 50% figure.

 

[DanP]

When I was younger, I was quite shy of women. I got this one piece of advice: Before you strike up a conversation with a woman, already have an exit strategy (women, this works with men). If you get flustered and nervous and sure that you are going to blurt out the wrong thing, cut and run.

Whats the value of this, apart of (apparently) saving face ? Say the damn wrong thing, we all do

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Whats the value of this, apart of saving face ? Say the damn wrong thing, we all do

The problem is not saying the wrong thing. The problem is avoiding contact for fear of saying the wrong thing. Some people learn to dive right in, while others need to ease slowly into the water. This is advice for them.

 

[rhody]

Lisa, Zooby,

When I saw your post and the words "get out of the comfort zone", I was a little surprised. I posted this: https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2747466&postcount=220" last night and at the bottom of the post wrote: at 10:27 PM ET

P.S. This is an interesting challenge, outside of my comfort zone.

That being said, I would say for myself, once you begin to realize that the clock is ticking and with those around you having accidents, God forbid getting cancer, etc... it makes me appreciate every day you are here and as you said to take risks that you normally wouldn't.

Being a member of PF takes care of the mental part of the equation for me.

Physically, I have a lung condition acquired long ago, and having grown up in the mountains have always hiked and bicycled a lot. Last year I pedaled up one of the mountains near where I grew up, it was not easy, but I made it. This year I want to do the same thing again, however, the mountain has two access roads (total elevation about the same as Mt Washington in NH) and I plan to do both in the same day. I do training runs and was discouraged last week to find I was having trouble on a short but steep climb, well yesterday went to the Dr and got meds for it so I should be able to continue training once this clears up. I am just glad it isn't my lungs getting worse. I can handle temporary setbacks, which is what it turned out to be.

Rhody...

 

[Borek]

When I was younger I had a list of things I wanted to do. I hope this list is still somewhere here, if not, I will have to try to recreate it. But in a way we already started to do things that we never thought about earlier, AC/DC concert was one of them.

Basically, it sounds like a middle age crisis, doesn't it?

 

[lisab]

Lisa, Zooby,

When I saw your post and the words "get out of the comfort zone", I was a little surprised. I posted this: https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2747466&postcount=220" last night and at the bottom of the post wrote: at 10:27 PM ET


That being said, I would say for myself, once you begin to realize that the clock is ticking and with those around you having accidents, God forbid getting cancer, etc... it makes me appreciate every day you are here and as you said to take risks that you normally wouldn't.

Being a member of PF takes care of the mental part of the equation for me.

Physically, I have a lung condition acquired long ago, and having grown up in the mountains have always hiked and bicycled a lot. Last year I pedaled up one of the mountains near where I grew up, it was not easy, but I made it. This year I want to do the same thing again, however, the mountain has two access roads (total elevation about the same as Mt Washington in NH) and I plan to do both in the same day. I do training runs and was discouraged last week to find I was having trouble on a short but steep climb, well yesterday went to the Dr and got meds for it so I should be able to continue training once this clears up. I am just glad it isn't my lungs getting worse. I can handle temporary setbacks, which is what it turned out to be.

Rhody...

Wow, we must have tapped into the PF collective mind, Rhody . Good that your lungs are holding up; good health is such a gift. I also have occasional setbacks which can be aggravating but are generally manageable. I find that I am a bit more hesitant to do things that can damage me physically (like very fast downhill skiing) because I know how looooong it takes to heal now - and healing is never complete anymore! So I take that into account, in my internal risk analysis.

But there are plenty of things that are out of my comfort zone that don't involve great physical risk. Even something like going to see a play that I've never heard of before, or ordering something at a restaurant without asking what's in it. Those kinds of things, I find more and more I have to remind myself to do, whereas when I was young I would do spontaneously.

 

[DanP]

Basically, it sounds like a middle age crisis, doesn't it?

Yeah, right. Like a man like you need validation from the society and it's mid life crisis drama.

 

[zoobyshoe]

After twenty years, I changed coffee brands.

There's a point where risk taking has gone too far, Ivan.

 

[DaveC426913]

When I was younger, I was quite shy of women. I got this one piece of advice: Be?fore you strike up a conversation with a woman, already have an exit strategy (women, this works with men). If you get flustered and nervous and sure that you are going to blurt out the wrong thing, cut and run. Suddenly remember an appointment with your financial advisor or something. I put this plan into action and overcame my shyness. I learned that people love to talk about themselves and all it takes for a successful encounter is to draw them out. Be genuinely interested in them and what they are experiencing and you will soon be on the right side of that 50% figure.

Well yeah, but are you talking about this?:
" When I am forced to eat alone, I approach someone else who is eating alone..."

cuz that's what Hyp said she's doing. Do you think you could approach a man? You might be able to approach a woman...

 

[zoobyshoe]

I suspect that, if I walked up to a stranger and asked if I could join them for lunch, I might not have quite as much luck as Hyp. I suspect you may have the same experience. Also, Ivan. Jimmy. Astro...

Why wouldn't you, though?

Space down at the cafe is usually at a premium. I have often had to approach men asking to share the table, and I've been approached by men. As long as you're polite, respectful, non-invasive, everything goes fine.

 

[magpies]

Ya but they probably don't even say a word to you I bet.

 

[DaveC426913]

Why wouldn't you, though?

Space down at the cafe is usually at a premium. I have often had to approach men asking to share the table, and I've been approached by men. As long as you're polite, respectful, non-invasive, everything goes fine.

I do that too. But we're not talking about sharing a table, we're talking about striking up a dialogue.

Hyp is talking about when she is "forced" to eat alone, i.e. she is approaching someone for the company, not the table real estate.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Ya but they probably don't even say a word to you I bet.

I'm seeing the problem here is that people have all kinds of preconceptions about what would happen if they did this.

First off, every single person will react differently. Sometimes the person who seems intently focused on a book is just waiting for someone to strike up a conversation, and sometimes they're really hoping no one bothers them. You never know.

Secondly, you have to be aware enough to know how to test out if someone is up for a conversation in a non-invasive way, and be ready to back off if they aren't. Half the time, if you adopt a sensitive, non-invasive demeanor, the other person is the one who strikes up the conversation anyway

Personally, I like to sit there quietly for a while and scope them out for potentially weird behavior. Like Hypatia said, you can really regret you started a conversation sometimes when it turns out the person is "off" in one way or another.

 

[Tedjn]

I guess there's also the problem of what to say. For some, such as I, small talk is not a forte. However, in my experience, following up on the interesting people you meet is much more difficult than meeting them.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I do that too. But we're not talking about sharing a table, we're talking about striking up a dialogue.

Hyp is talking about when she is "forced" to eat alone, i.e. she is approaching someone for the company, not the table real estate.

If someone let's you sit down the chances of striking up a conversation are massively increased. How it goes from there depends on how you play it. I think you're right that most people are going to be more open with a woman, but you're wrong to assume they will be closed off to a man. In general they're only going to be closed off to a person they sense is going to make the experience unpleasant for them. If you plan on being judgemental, opinionated, and doing most of the talking, then, yeah, you should assume they will be closed off to conversation. Likewise if you plan on being needy and are hoping they'll sit in silence as you rattle off a litany of your problems and anxieties, you can assume they'll be closed off. It's all kind of obvious: if you can react instantly and steer away from anything they seem to find unpleasant, uninteresting, etc, you should be fine.

Everyone should read "How to Win Friends and Influence People", the old classic. Simply listening to people can create an extremely pleasant situation for them.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I guess there's also the problem of what to say. For some, such as I, small talk is not a forte. However, in my experience, following up on the interesting people you meet is much more difficult than meeting them.

What's the difficulty you encounter with small talk?

 

[magpies]

It's small.

 

[Tedjn]

What's the difficulty you encounter with small talk?

Good question. It made me reflect some more, and my conclusion is that I don't have a problem with engaging in small talk if I had to. However, I'm just not inclined to do so. Why not is due to a complex mixture of personality traits I can't quite explain, some of which I'm not particularly proud (e.g. shyness, arrogance, empathy, insecurity, etc.).

Here are some reasons why I don't like small talk. Usually, I find I don't learn anything worthwhile about the person. I have to really work to find a conversation starter and to keep a conversation going; wit doesn't come to me on the spot. As a product of my childhood, I can't often identify with people from a pop culture standpoint. Consequently, sometimes such talks are short and uninteresting. Other times, the conversation becomes too one-sided. I end up listening without anything to contribute.

The good news is that I have been improving :)

 

[shelovesmath]

A while back, there was a thread about how difficult it is to start new friendships as an adult. There were many thoughtful posts there…one in particular caught my attention and got me thinking about aging in general:



https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2518422&postcount=20"

Sigh…oh my, so familiar! I’ve found this to be sadly accurate of a lot of people once they get to middle age. Routines are comforting at every age, but in middle age they can become sacrosanct and inviolable. They can be soothing, but also like heroine to our spirits, turning us into effete, automated machines that get grouchy when we're out of our safe little ruts.

I wish I was immune from this but I feel the pull too, the way a comfy bed calls you when you’re tired. To counter it, I force myself to take risks. Now I’m not talking about doing stupid things. I mean, doing the kind of things that surprise my friends and family when they hear about it (for example, belly dancing lessons, haha ).

I’m directing this thread to anyone who fights against tedium, but mostly middle aged people, since it seems that’s when it becomes harder to take risks.

So are there any PFers working to get out of the comfort zone? How?

Indeed.

I started going to college a few years ago (in my thirties), and Lord only knows how long it will take me to get through it. I'm almost 34, and I'm only a sophomore in college.

I think people that like to learn and grow don't ever change. There's nothing wrong with being content in your life though. Not everyone is a restless spirit.

 

[shelovesmath]

Oh yeah, and as far as adventure and challenging myself goes: I recently went to Istanbul. :)

 

[lisab]

Indeed.

I started going to college a few years ago (in my thirties), and Lord only knows how long it will take me to get through it. I'm almost 34, and I'm only a sophomore in college.

I think people that like to learn and grow don't ever change. There's nothing wrong with being content in your life though. Not everyone is a restless spirit.

Ah, that's a good point. I think some people do the "aging gracefully" thing very easily. I'm probably not one of them, from what I can tell, haha.

Great that you're pursuing your goal .

 

[zoobyshoe]

Good question. It made me reflect some more, and my conclusion is that I don't have a problem with engaging in small talk if I had to. However, I'm just not inclined to do so. Why not is due to a complex mixture of personality traits I can't quite explain, some of which I'm not particularly proud (e.g. shyness, arrogance, empathy, insecurity, etc.).

Here are some reasons why I don't like small talk. Usually, I find I don't learn anything worthwhile about the person. I have to really work to find a conversation starter and to keep a conversation going; wit doesn't come to me on the spot. As a product of my childhood, I can't often identify with people from a pop culture standpoint. Consequently, sometimes such talks are short and uninteresting. Other times, the conversation becomes too one-sided. I end up listening without anything to contribute.

The good news is that I have been improving :)

You're pretty much describing my reaction to small talk, as well. I am a substance oriented conversationalist and can't let the small talk go on too long. Things have to meander to something interesting relatively quickly or I'll meander away. On the other hand, with the right people, I can have fun for hours just playing around. Nothing gets discussed, there's just a general mood of amusement to which everyone contributes.