someone probably already posted this, but:

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic math. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question; all she has to do is answer, "One third x cubed." She agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself. The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks, "What is the integral of x squared?" The waitress says, "One third x cubed." Then, while walking away, she turns back and says, "Plus a constant!"

from wikipedia...funyy stuff

Wow, nice apmcavoy!
hey man...that's a killer quote

hahaha

Warning: The may contain suggestive info, just a bit though XD

A slutty girl walks up to a mathematician and says (suggestively) "Do you know what 69 is?" He says "Well duh, any idiot would its product 3 and 13"
The girl reacts, "..." and he says, "Oh I'm sorry, how strange of me--I forgot to mention they're primes with spacing of 10...haha." You figure what goes on from there.

ahaha.....not that funny, but i was getting at the "bad" in the bad jokes.

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Warning: The may contain suggestive info, just a bit though XD

A slutty girl walks up to a mathematician and says (suggestively) "Do you know what 69 is?" He says "Well duh, any idiot would its product 3 and 13"
The girl reacts, "..." and he says, "Oh I'm sorry, how strange of me--I forgot to mention they're primes with spacing of 10...haha." You figure what goes on from there.

ahaha.....not that funny, but i was getting at the "bad" in the bad jokes.
i don't get it

!

2+2=5 for very large 2's.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are at a conference, and are asked to determine the volume of a red ball.

The mathematician carefully measures the ball's diamater and calculates the volume from there.

The physicist fulls a beaker with water, and submerges the ball and records the difference in water level.

The engineer records the ball model type and serial number and looks it up in his red ball handbook.

Mathematical proof that women are evil

First we know that women are the product of time and money

Women = Time * Money

Then we know that time is money

Women = Money * Money

And that money is the root of all evil

Women = Sqrt(Evil) * Sqrt(Evil)

Women = Evil

CompuChip
Homework Helper
2+2=5 for very large 2's.
As in, for any $\epsilon > 0$ there exists $\delta > 0$ such that for $\left| 2 - \frac12 \right| < \delta$,
$$2 + 2 = 5$$

I like the ball gag

"Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician?"

"He had to work it out with a pencil!!"
tee hee:rofl:
That's supposed to be - he worked it out with a slide rule.

That joke just doesn't have the same effect since slide rules are gone. You need the word "slide" in there.

An engineer a physicist and a mathematician are being tested on their approaches to problem solving by some psychologists. Each is left alone in a room with cans of food and no tin opener..

Several days later the psychologists return. The engineer has managed to open some of the cans by bashing them with a rock, he sits eating hapily. The physicist has obtained large amounts of funding and set up a complex system of high powered tin-opening lasers, but has now become too distracted to eat any of the food. When the psychologists visit the mathematician (geometer/topologist) there are pages and pages of calculations and diagrams, but he has disapeared and there are banging noises and groans coming from inside one of the tins. Concerned they prise it open and the mathematician pops out - "Sorry about that, I got a sign wrong!" he exclaims.

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His chances have not changed as no new information (that would change the statics) was really added by the guards revelation.

One thing I do find weird about this problem is how two people whom have never meet can both be found guilty of the same murder. That's some pretty whacky justice system.
No.
The chance of survival of the statistician is 0/3.

The fact that the guard points out to one of the OTHER two prisoners means that only one of them guilty. This implies that the statistician is the other to die. Poor guy...

c'mon...let's think outside of 'physics and mathematics', look at it from a psychological perspective ;)
-Liberal arts student

What's the square root of 69?

8-something.
I also didn't get that joke - but thought it perhaps was meant "square root of 79" instead.

The answer "8-something" then had been fun in an other sense (if you calculate that root...)

I also didn't get that joke - but thought it perhaps was meant "square root of 79" instead.

The answer "8-something" then had been fun in an other sense (if you calculate that root...)
That's funny! :rofl:

I didn't read through all 11 pages so I hope no one said these.

There are 3 types of mathematicians in the world...those who can count, and those who can't.

My quantum mechanics professor a few years ago said this one.

Q:Why doesn't Heisenberg live in the suburbs???

A: Because he doesn't like to commute.
One day Heisenberg got pulled over for speeding.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.

3 friends: a chemist, an engineer and a mathematician are at the seaside in the mathematician's mountain log cabin. after much drinking and partying the mathematician decides to go to bed upstairs in his room. 2 minutes later, disturbed by the smell of fire the chemist and engineer hurriedly go upstairs as well and notice a fire in the hallway. the chemist immediately starts thinking of how to make a concoction that can extinguish the fire while the engineer after looking around notices a bucket of water and uses it to kill the fire. in the morning they ask the mathematician why he didn't do anything about the fire, to which he replied:

"I noticed fire, and a bucket of water nearby: a solution obviously existed."

Borek
Mentor
As my math professor used to say back in eighties, you can always draw a straight line through three points. It just have to be sufficiently thick.

Borek
Mentor
Why does

$$\frac {16} {64} = \frac 1 4$$

?

Because six cancels out.

Hurkyl
Staff Emeritus
Gold Member
You've obviously never seen

$$\frac{\sin x}{n} = 6$$​

A mathematician, a physicist, and a llama microbiologist are in a room together with a hot girl. The scientists all say that they'll be the one who gets the girl.

The mathematician walks up to her and does a complex math problem to impress her.

The physicist smirks and says he can top that. He walks to her, sets up a conductor AND does a complex math problem to impress her.

The microbiologist walks up to her, smacks her *** and says "Lets go dancing baby girl" and the girl leaves with the microbiologist.

Not exactly a Math joke, but still good.

A physicist, chemist, electrcian and Bill Gates were riding along in a car when it suddenly stopped.

The phystcist says: "Engine must have thrown a rod."

The chemist says: "We would have felt that. Probably not getting gas."

The electrician says: "But we would have noticed it sputtering to a halt. The electrical systen probably failed."

Bill Gates says: "Why don't we get out of the car and get back in again."

HallsofIvy
Homework Helper
Not exactly a Math joke, but still good.

A physicist, chemist, electrcian and Bill Gates were riding along in a car when it suddenly stopped.

The phystcist says: "Engine must have thrown a rod."

The chemist says: "We would have felt that. Probably not getting gas."

The electrician says: "But we would have noticed it sputtering to a halt. The electrical systen probably failed."

Bill Gates says: "Why don't we get out of the car and get back in again."
No, no, no! Bill gates says "Why don't we try closing all the windows, then opening them again"!

Not really a math joke, but a true funny story:

At the question period after a Dirac lecture at the University of Toronto, somebody in the audience remarked: "Professor Dirac, I do not understand how you derived the formula on the top left side of the blackboard."
"This is not a question," snapped Dirac, "it is a statement! Next question, please."

Borek
Mentor
Our physics lecturer used to say "...according to what I have already erased..."

HallsofIvy