Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

"I woas nix, i hör nix, i sich nix!"

One of the rare moments the translation is actually better than the original: "Schultz: I see NOTHING! I know NOTHING!"

I know it as "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil".

 

[WWGD]

Sorry, my nick was originally a random generated string, to be used in a D&D game. Then it stuck, and it took a decade when I found out that it actually has some meaning...
So I have no idea, what did you wanted to say
De mondd magyarul, és akkor érteni fogom.

So I won't be able to show off the 10 words I remember from high school French :).

 

[fresh_42]

Vous etes Rive Gauche ou Rive Droit? Mais pas de politicques ici, nous somme tous de centre ;).Hope my high school French is not too stale.

Your French is better than ... The answer for me is "hibbdebach". Bet you cannot find out what that means! It is neither nasty, political incorrect, a curse or otherwise problematic. It's a totally normal word in the local tongue.

 

[fresh_42]

De mondd magyarul, és akkor érteni fogom.

Él Budán vagy Pesten?

 

[DrClaude]

Are they even a republic?

No, it is a city-state.

But this is not funny. So let me add a pope joke.

The Pope is riding in a limousine on an Italian road. He is bored so he asks his driver if they can trade places. The driver is a bit reluctant, but when the Pope asks you something, you say yes. So the Pope takes the wheel while the driver relaxes in the back. Wanting a bit of excitement, the Pope decides to step on it and starts driving faster and faster. After a while, two carabinieri see a limousine driving past at high speed, start to chase it, and finally flag it down. One carabiniere says to the other: "That passer must think he is pretty important to have his driver go so fast." The other carabiniere goes to talk to the driver and issue a ticket. He comes back a minute later and his colleague asks: "So, who's this guy who thinks he's so important?" The other replies: "I don't know, but he must be important, because is driver is the Pope!"

 

[WWGD]

This one is pretty old, but I thought good. Salman Rushdie, who went into hiding after he wrote the "Satanic Verses " put out a book right after he came out of hiding. "Buddha you Fat Bastard".

 

[WWGD]

Él Budán vagy Pesten?

And your Hungarian is better than mine -- if you can compare with the empty set. Fogdam to PF, Rive.

 

[WWGD]

Actually, they have Euro.

My O? I Idon't have an O ;.Ref:Verbal puns in ( ruined by) writing.

 

[WWGD]

By papal bull, perhaps?

I think infallibility may imply he cannot put out bull.

 

[fresh_42]

I don't have an O ;.Ref:Verbal puns in ( ruined by) writing.

Doll are you, what do you need an "O" for?

 

[fresh_42]

"Since you're on this diet, you kiss much better!"
"Kissing? I'm searching for leftovers!"

 

[WWGD]

"Since you're on this diet, you kiss much better!"
"Kissing? I'm searching for leftovers!"

French "kiss" diet. And cleans her teeth too!

 

[jack action]

Vous etes Rive Gauche ou Rive Droit? Mais pas de politicques ici, nous somme tous de centre ;).Hope my high school French is not too stale.

So I won't be able to show off the 10 words I remember from high school French :).

J'ai compris.

Although, it's not the appropriate use of 'rive' which means the 'shore' bordering a lake, sea or river.

But as @DrClaude said, that is not funny. So here goes the jokes about french, rivers and shores:

A chap jumped in the river in Paris. Local police say he’s in Seine.

Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.

 

[fresh_42]

If I were to receive 50 cents for every failed math exam, I would already have $ 5.70.

 

[jtbell]

A student in a Reptile Biology class was given an assignment: take an alligator home for the weekend, observe it, and give a report on its activities.

On Monday he told the professor:

"My homework ate my dog."

 

[Klystron]

Él Budán vagy Pesten?

A writer based in Montreal once wrote for an European character:
"With a Hungarian for a friend; You don't need enemies.".

 

[Mark44]

A guy walks into a florist's shop, and says "I'd like to buy some anemones for my wife."
The florist, remembering that he was fresh out of anemones, replies, "Anemones are a good choice, but take a look at these ferns I have."
Customer: "My wife really likes anemones, so that's what I'd like to buy."
Florist: "With fronds like these, you don't need anemones."

 

[jtbell]

A guy walks into a florist's shop,

Was this guy's name Marlin, by any chance?

 

[DaveC426913]

Was this guy's name Marlin, by any chance?

TIL the words 'tritagonist' ... and 'deuteragonist'.

 

[Klystron]

A guy walks into a florist's shop, and says "I'd like to buy some anemones for my wife."
The florist, remembering that he was fresh out of anemones, replies, "Anemones are a good choice, but take a look at these ferns I have."
Customer: "My wife really likes anemones, so that's what I'd like to buy."
Florist: "With fronds like these, you don't need anemones."

Later the florist discovers his salt water aquarium specimens have perished from exposure to the flora.
"Woe", exclaimed the florist, "the enemy of my anemones is my frond!".

 

[fresh_42]

https://www.facebook.com/groups/168087626955950/permalink/613643285733713/

 

[davenn]

haha

 

[Stavros Kiri]

haha

View attachment 236243

Hahahaha... ... Can't help it, still laughing!

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Hahahaha... ... Can't help it, still laughing!

And still laughing, every time I see it! ...
That's true life, true reality!

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Why should't we do things earlier?

Spoiler

Because earlier we do other things! ...

 

[Ibix]

Two men are sitting round a campfire deep in the woods. One is startled by a resonant cry of "A haaaandbaaag?" from among the trees, but his companion reassures him that it's just the call of the Wilde.

 

[scottdave]

I don't think this joke is lame, but it's a little nerdy.

What is the antiderivative of Amazon Prime?

First person answers: Amazon.

Another person answers Amazon +C

Somebody posted on the Slack for my MicroMasters course. Sorry I can't get the imgur image link to work right now. https://i.imgur.com/9wCaTnK.jpg
It turns out that imgur only shows the BBcode img tag info from the desktop site, not the app

 

[mfb]

You can't include galleries (websites) with the img tag. You can link them or you can include the image itself (https://i.imgur.com/9wCaTnK.jpg)

 

[zuz]

A priest, a rabbi and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says" What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

[zuz]

A man finds a genie in a bottle and is granted three wishes. "For my first wish I want a bottle of beer." he says and a bottle immediately appears in his hand. "What do you want for your second and third wishes?" the genie asks. "Just a moment. I want to finish my beer and think about it." says the man. "You can't finish that beer." says the genie "It's a never ending beer. Every time you empty it, it will fill back up again." Astonished, the man tests the genie and guzzles the bottle. It fills back up. He guzzles it again and it refills again. "This is great!" he exclaims. "So, what about those other two wishes?" says the genie. The man points to the bottle and says "Give me two more of these."

 

[jtbell]

What do you call it when you Instagram a picture of something you're about to buy at the store?

A shelfie.

 

[Ophiolite]

When it comes to posting a lame joke I've been dragging my foot.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

I do not understand this Brexit dilemma. All the trouble, effort and sweat, just to gain 1 GB?

 

[256bits]

Good One.
God Save the Queen!

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

Why did the pianist sit down at his instrument wearing boxing gloves?

He had an old score to settle.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I do not understand this Brexit dilemma. All the trouble, effort and sweat, just to gain 1 GB?

Better 1 than 28 ! ...

 

[fresh_42]

Better 1 than 28 ! ...

Indeed! As if we hadn't already enough nationalism in Europe.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Indeed! As if we hadn't already enough nationalism in Europe.

Lol

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 237461​

Easy come, easy go! You didn't pay the ninth

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Easy come, easy go! You didn't pay the ninth

I see 30567883th missing too!

 

[nitsuj]

View attachment 237279

I like semantic misunderstanding jokes.

According to the recording on our public transport if you let the driver know seniors ride free on Wednesdays you ride for free. Actual wording is "seniors ride free on Wednesdays. Let the driver know and you ride for free."

Sounds like a bad deal for seniors who can only ride free on Wednesdays.

The burden of context for an analytical brain lol

 

[mfb]

Sounds like a bad deal for seniors who can only ride free on Wednesdays.

They can tell the driver about that rule every day, too.

 

[nitsuj]

They can tell the driver about that rule every day, too.

There's two rules

 

[mfb]

The first rule doesn't say anything about seniors on other weekdays. On Wednesday the seniors can board the bus/train using the first rule, on other days they tell the driver about the first rule and board it using the second rule.

Or do it like Luxembourg...

 

[nitsuj]

The first rule doesn't say anything about seniors on other weekdays. On Wednesday the seniors can board the bus/train using the first rule, on other days they tell the driver about the first rule and board it using the second rule.

Or do it like Luxembourg...

Alright, but i really feel you just being a less strict bus driver :D My interpretation is if seniors can ride free on Wednesdays, implicitly they cannot on the other days. If I were a bus operator I would feel bound to restrict those seniors being able to ride free only on wednesday. Which is what rule one says. Seniors ride free on wednesdays. So if a non senior mentions the rule they can ride free, with no restrictions.

So you're saying it comes down to seniors, who on Wednesday have the benefit of not having to mention the Wednesday rule. I see rule two makes it a requirement.

regarding Luxembourg. I think a few candidates for a recent municipal election (our public transit is municipal gov) used free public transport as a hook. It's not wildly off for the city in spirit, Ottawa Canada.