Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

Not if you say it as, "On t'other hand."

Depends. On þe oþer, þe oþer hand has no Ts.

<Embraces dubious Viking heritage>

 

[Mark44]

Depends. On þe oþer, þe oþer hand has no Ts.

It's a thorny question …

 

[Mark44]

I can never remember how many t's there are in "sss ttt tuh tuh tttt er"

 

[WWGD]

New Hallmark, for new times : " My therapist says I love you".

 

[Ibix]

I can never remember how many t's there are in "sss ttt tuh tuh tttt er"

Nine, as written. HTH.

 

[Ibix]

New Hallmark, for new times : " My therapist says I love you".

...from the hit single "I just called to say, you owe me 80 bucks"

 

[WWGD]

...Or subconscious spill comments : " Dad, you ruined my childhood...er, please pass the salt".

 

[DrGreg]

It's a thorny question …

... not to be confused with the thorn / y question

 

[jtbell]

He: "Do you like Kipling?"
She: "I don't know... I've never kippled."

 

[Ibix]

He: "Do you like Kipling?"
She: "I don't know... I've never kippled."

Kipling is ruddy 'ard, I tell you.

 

[mfb]

"Two" has just one "t", and just one of each of its letters in general.

"Two" has one vowel, but "one" has two.

Spoiler

The iterated vowel-counting function ends in a loop between one and two for every starting number.

 

[Ibix]

From a Christmas cracker:

What do you call a crazy golfer?

A crack-putt

 

[Ibix]

And another:

Who is Santa's favourite singer?

Elfis Presley.

 

[WWGD]

Tourette syndrome?

Not true. Again: I don't have any $%^! Tourette's !

 

[Drakkith]

And another:

Who is Santa's favourite singer?

Elfis Presley.

Ugh... my body hurts after reading that one.

 

[WWGD]

Ugh... my body hurts after reading that one.

I feel like returning to my van...down by the river!

 

[Stavros Kiri]

And another:

Who is Santa's favourite singer?

Elfis Presley.

Ugh... my body hurts after reading that one.

There's no Santa, no Easter Bunny ! ...
Elvis is still alive ...

 

[davenn]

Elvis is still alive ...

yeah ... I saw him in Vegas last week

 

[Stavros Kiri]

yeah ... I saw him in Vegas last week

Before he "left the building"? ...

 

[fresh_42]

Be happy he didn't write "elves are on pressly"

 

[WWGD]

Be happy he didn't write "elves are on pressly"

Pressly, or pressfully?

 

[fresh_42]

Pressly, or pressfully?

Yeah, a bit bumpy, but I had to make it fit and it at least survived the Google translate test.

 

[WWGD]

Yeah, a bit bumpy, but I had to make it fit and it at least survived the Google translate test.

Fahrvernugen! (EDIT: Pleasure of Driving, I think )

 

[WWGD]

I hope you're not confusing "manyfold" with "manifold". That's a different joke to mine.

But not quite a differentiable manyfold joke. At least not yet. Let's make it into one.

 

[WWGD]

I can never remember how many t's there are in "sss ttt tuh tuh tttt er"

This should go well with my triple-syllable sentences:

Map:
1)Will Diego go golfing ----> Will Diego-go go-go go-golfing?

2) The Banana narratives ----> The Banana na na-na narratives.

Common, no one else for triple-syllables?

 

[WWGD]

"He's your secret lover"

How can he love my secrets? There secret!

 

[fresh_42]

Fahrvernugen! (EDIT: Pleasure of Driving, I think )

Close. Fahrvergnügen.

 

[WWGD]

Close. Fahrvergnügen.

Danker gnugen!

 

[davenn]

Meanwhile in Australia
An Ozzie Christmas ...

 

[DaveC426913]

Close. Fahrvergnügen.

Don't you mean...

 

[Klystron]

Do shifting syllables count?

"Fee Fie Foe Fun! I see an Englishman!"

 

[Klystron]

This should go well with my triple-syllable sentences:

Map:
1)Will Diego go golfing ----> Will Diego-go go-go go-golfing?

2) The Banana narratives ----> The Banana na na-na narratives.

Common, no one else for triple-syllables?

"The grinning grown gringo go to the green grocer"

 

[Klystron]

More than 3 syllables alliteration:

"Great green Grecian grapes greet gritty grinning grifter Gretchen Green grabbing groceries."

[grifter = slang for thief.]

 

[mfb]

This should go well with my triple-syllable sentences:

Map:
1)Will Diego go golfing ----> Will Diego-go go-go go-golfing?

2) The Banana narratives ----> The Banana na na-na narratives.

Common, no one else for triple-syllables?

Muon on onions sounds like a terrible dish.

 

[Klystron]

More than 3 syllables alliteration:

"Great green Grecian grapes greet gritty grinning grifter Gretchen Green grabbing groceries."

Actually received a mathematics degree; but it only covers integers. Good thing I became a programmer. < zing! >

Hey Jude! School of computer science:
"1 and 1 and 1 is 3; got to code in FORTRAN 'cause the compiler's more robust than C ... Come together.."

Why depressed people like Beatles music:
"Sing it now: 'One + one + one make three..' ...Paul is DEAD!"

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Actually received a mathematics degree; but it only covers integers.

I specialised in 2676327775763267745677

 

[Klystron]

I specialised in 2676327775763267745677

One day a year they let me call a hyperbolic trig function, but only up to a limit, and I have to return it in identical form.

Last year a spline accidentally broke the transcendental function. So, this year I only get to borrow a Taylor series. Shucks.

 

[mfb]

I specialised in 2676327775763267745677

It is a prime number.

 

[fresh_42]

My neighbors love to hear me singing!
They just threw a stone through my window, so they can hear me even better!

 

[fresh_42]

Christmas tree was yesterday.
Nowadays we call it extremely lightened softwood with religious background.

 

[fresh_42]

Data protection officer at Google sounds a bit like disarmament expert at Northrop Grumman.

 

[256bits]

Data protection officer at Google sounds a bit like disarmament expert at Northrop Grumman.

Privacy Commissioner at social media!

 

[Klystron]

Privacy Commissioner at social media!

Grade evaluator at Montessori.

 

[Klystron]

I specialised in 2676327775763267745677

It is a prime number.

{Joking OFF:} That is a beautiful integer! Is it Mersenne?

{Joke ON:} No, it's right there, see?

 

[Stavros Kiri]

My neighbors love to hear me singing!
They just threw a stone through my window, so they can hear me even better!

Yeah, you'd wish! ... It was me

That is a beautiful integer! Is it Mersenne?

I don't know about Mersenne but I surely would be a Mercenary at that price! (in $ or €) ...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Christmas tree was yesterday.
Nowadays we call it extremely lightened softwood with religious background.

And junk afterwards

 

[Klystron]

Yeah, you'd wish! ... It was me

I don't know about Mersenne but I surely would be a Mercenary at that price! (in $ or €) ...

"Many merry Mersenne mercenaries merit more money!"

 

[WWGD]

I specialised in 2676327775763267745677

There is this TV show called " The Division". https://duckduckgo.com/?q=tv+show+"+the+division"&t=h_&ia=web
What are the show titles ? Today, we'll go over 33/5?

 

[WWGD]

"The grinning grown gringo go to the green grocer"

Thanks, those are fun too, but I am referring to consecutive equal syllables. There is a company in India called "Tata": Then we can do:

The issue was fixed thanks to the Tata Tax system. Ta-ta-ta
Or:
I will miss Miss Miss(Issippi). EDIT:

Or, as mfb's one : I will have a Muon On Onion.

 

[fresh_42]

I know a correct German sentence with six identical words in a row (modulo caps) - does this count?