Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

What's the nearest black hole?

Spoiler

Las Vegas, NV, USA
What happens in Vegas ...

hahaha nice one

 

[Ibix]

https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14639829_337694539925526_2165686511216826298_n.jpg?oh=88be2f38b61d6e817f2a103395966ead&oe=58A0EE28

There's an old Looney Tunes where Yosemite Sam has had enough and demands that Bugs Bunny draw his gun, which he does by the pun above. Cartoon physics being what it is, he then shoots Sam with the drawn gun.

A bit of googling suggests that the episode is called "Hare Trigger", which deserves a mention of its own here.

 

[Ibix]

...and speaking of rabbits.

There's a guy driving along a country road when he hears a thump. He wonders what he's hit and stops to check. It turns out to be a rabbit, which is obviously fatally wounded and breathing its last. While he's thinking if he should put the poor thing out of its misery another car pulls up. The driver sticks his head out of his window, then dives out of his car clutching a bottle from which he pours a few drops onto the rabbit. It immediately leaps up to its feet and disappears into the bushes.

"Wow!" says the first driver. "What's in that bottle?"

"Hare restorer."

 

[DaveC426913]

Good to have you aboard. Would you mind waiting outside my office for a few minutes while I make some calls?

...

(muffled)
K-CAWW! K-CAWW!
Ooh ooh OOH OOH AH AH AHHHH!
aWOOOga! aWOOOga!
Awwwwwwwwww aeeaeeaeeaeaeeeAWWWWW aeeaeeaeeAWWWW! Kreegah Bundolo!

 

[Psinter]

If I had a flower for every time I thought of you... I would have exactly 1 and only 1 flower.

Converting what was supposed to be a lovely message into a lame joke. Hint: It can be converted back into a lovely message by adding something.

 

[mfb]

Spoiler

"Because i never stopped thinking about you"?

 

[davenn]

almost describes me

 

[davenn]

 

[Psinter]

Spoiler

"Because i never stopped thinking about you"?

Could be. I had another. But don't want to make the others puke.

 

[Borg]

View attachment 108423

So if you drank too much moonshine, you might wake up married to your cousin?

 

[Psinter]

So if you drank too much moonshine, you might wake up married to your cousin?

Or wake up married to the floor.

 

[fresh_42]

Or wake up married to the floor.

If I hear / read moonshiners, I always have to think: ... or married to pushing daisies ...

 

[Borg]

Calvin and Hobbes - Trumpified.
Trump In ‘Calvin And Hobbes’ Comic Strips Is Frighteningly Accurate
Donald Trump is Calvin.

The modified cartoons come from an entire subreddit, /r/DonaldandHobbes, devoted to shopping the many faces of Donald Trump onto Calvin’s tiny, T-shirt-wearing body. “The strip you paste Trump’s head over has to contain dialogue that Trump might actually say.

 

[i-like-maths]

Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

 

[i-like-maths]

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

 

[i-like-maths]

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One'a a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

 

[i-like-maths]

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the zoo is a dog.
Its a Shitzhu

 

[i-like-maths]

Bill Gates farted in an Apple store and stank up the entire place. But it's their own fault for not having windows

 

[jtbell]

Which one is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby son?

His baby son is a little Bigger.

 

[davenn]

Which one is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby son?

His baby son is a little Bigger.

hahahaha that's so bad

 

[fresh_42]

Which one is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby son?

His baby son is a little Bigger.

Ouch! This thread needs a pain button instead of a like.

 

[jtbell]

Fortunately I can't claim credit for that one. A contestant on Wheel of Fortune the other night said she did standup comedy part-time, and gave that as an example. She even made host Pat Sajak wince.

 

[jtbell]

What do you call a pink long-necked bird with a hacking cough?

A phlegmingo.

 

[i-like-maths]

A man fell into a lens grinding machine.
He made a spectacle of himself.

 

[i-like-maths]

Did you har about the man that lost his left leg and left arm in an accident?
He's all right now.

 

[mfb]

Did you har about the man that lost his left leg and left arm in an accident?
He's all right now.

In soviet Russia, bomb disarms you!

 

[davenn]

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14953883_10211011281580557_5773096680507552576_n.jpg?oh=b3600042d0674d68509e94b35b896e0b&oe=58D0C977

 

[davenn]

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15078507_1485027284846669_2362304755225224761_n.jpg?oh=d8fa0986a46f68f7db6a92bbcc380027&oe=58CB8A57

 

[DrGreg]

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15078507_1485027284846669_2362304755225224761_n.jpg?oh=d8fa0986a46f68f7db6a92bbcc380027&oe=58CB8A57

Unfortunately, that joke works only for Americans, I think.

 

[fresh_42]

Unfortunately, that joke works only for Americans, I think.

At least it helps a lot not to know, how he is pronounced correctly. (Still searching where this van is supposed to be ... )