Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

 

[DrClaude]

For everyone freezing in the U.S. right now.

Units !

 

[fresh_42]

Units !

$°De$

 

[zuz]

Three horses are talking. First horse; "I won my last 5 races." Second horse; "So what. I won my last 10 races." Third horse; "Big deal. I won my last 20 races." There's a dog sitting in the corner listening. He chimes in "Well I've never lost a race in my life. Over 100 races." The horses all look at each other in stunned disbelief. Finally one turns to the others and says"Holy cow. A talking dog!"

 

[jtbell]

Janet's mom had four kids. She named the first one April, the second one May, and the third one June. What did she name the fourth one?

 

[zuz]

Janet

 

[Mark44]

When I was a young man, I worked in a circus as a human cannonball. After a month or so, the boss let me go, saying, "We're looking for someone of higher caliber."

 

[DrGreg]

...the boss let me go...

So you were fired?

 

[Stavros Kiri]

When I was a young man, I worked in a circus as a human cannonball. After a month or so, the boss let me go, saying, "We're looking for someone of higher caliber."

Been said before

 

[DaveC426913]

Been said before

Tough room.

 

[Mark44]

So you were fired?

Not after they let me go ...

Been said before

Thought it might have been, but wasn't sure.

Later, I wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I missed my chance.

 

[256bits]

I have noticed, especially this winter that pretty much everyone has renounced their religion and have joined the brotherhood of monks.
You see, monks get to wear hoodies.

 

[Craftek_Ana]

Three logicians walk into a bar.
The barman asks: "Three beers?"
The first logician says "I don't know".
The second logician says "I don't know".
The third logician says "Yes".

 

[AlexCaledin]

Two Hamlets walked into a bar. The barman asked, "Two beer or not two beer?"

 

[nuuskur]

Right, could always go for three or more

 

[Ibix]

International Society of Procrastinators - Working Tomorrow For A Better Today!

 

[DrGreg]

International Society of Procrastinators

I was going to join as a member, but I never got round to it.

 

[Ibix]

I was going to join as a member, but I never got round to it.

You should follow their advertising slogan - "Join tomorrow!"

 

[Klystron]

International Society of Procrastinators - Working Tomorrow For A Better Today!

I was going to join as a member, but I never got round to it.

You should follow their advertising slogan - "Join tomorrow!"

Never do today what can be put off until tomorrow;
Since tomorrow is another day.

"Delay, obfuscate, and delay some more. If people needed this law, it would already be on the books." -- Proceedings from Parliament of Procrastination.

 

[fresh_42]

International Society of Procrastinators - Working Tomorrow For A Better Today!

I recently found my to-do-list of 2015. What shall I say? Still accurate!

 

[Ibix]

Never do today what can be put off until tomorrow;

My Dad claimed he never left until tomorrow that which could be put off until next week.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

International Society of Procrastinators - Working Tomorrow For A Better Today!

Didn't I postpone that yesterday?

I recently found my to-do-list of 2015. What shall I say? Still accurate!

Gee you're making me nervous now! I was planning to do that sometime next century ...
Still working on pending matters up to 1999

 

[davenn]

I was going to join as a member, but I never got round to it.

here you go, your very own round tuit

 

[Stavros Kiri]

International Society of Procrastinators - Working Tomorrow For A Better Today!

And then postpone for the day after tomorrow ... for a better tomorrow!

 

[zuz]

Ghandi was a small man known for his wisdom. He also walked barefoot or with wooden sandals so he had unusually large callouses on his feet. Because of his poor diet he also had bad breath. So you could say he was a supercallousedfragilmystichexedwithhalitosis.

 

[Klystron]

From the era when both Mary Poppins and the Beach Boys were popular:

"California Super Surfers Expert On The Ocean"

 

[Ibix]

What kind of jokes to sheep like?

Baaaad ones.

(They're going to love this thread)

 

[Klystron]

Which leader of the USSR was the best cook?

Nikita Kru-Chef

and what was his babushka's name?

Grandma Kerchief

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Right, could always go for three or more

Does it? To bet or not to bet? ...

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

What's the name of the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee?

Spoiler

Brocco Lee.

 

[phinds]

What's the name of the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee?

 

[jtbell]

Today, while walking through campus, I happened to chat with one of my former physics department colleagues. He asked me how my retirement was going. I replied that I'm enjoying my unstructured executive time.

 

[AlexCaledin]

In Samara, Russia: Does this prove that the first Russian Princes were Hamlet's cousins?

 

[fresh_42]

In Samara, Russia: Does this prove that the first Russian Princes were Hamlet's cousins?
View attachment 238408

So everybody who enters and correctly says да is instantly misinterpreted as два! What an ingenious way to increase turnover and profit!
However, in such cases I always have to think about an occasion when I drank the beer I bought [Балтика] and a Russian said to me: "Tastes good! But it takes too long!"

 

[BillTre]

 

[jtbell]

Which leader of the USSR was the best cook?

Nikita Kru-Chef

Once upon a time, political jokes in the Soviet Union often took the form of questions to the fictitious help-line of Radio Yerevan:

Q: How can baldness be cured?
A: Unfortunately we don't answer political questions!

 

[DrClaude]

Once upon a time, political jokes in the Soviet Union often took the form of questions to the fictitious help-line of Radio Yerevan:

Q: How can baldness be cured?
A: Unfortunately we don't answer political questions!

Reminds me of Gorbachev's birthmark being removed on official Soviet photos

 

[Ibix]

Reminds me of Gorbachev's birthmark being removed on official Soviet photos

Steve Bell, a UK political cartoonist, always drew it as a hammer and sickle...

 

[Borg]

Reminds me of Gorbachev's birthmark being removed on official Soviet photos

They must have been getting lazy. They used to remove the entire person.

 

[fresh_42]

Once upon a time, political jokes in the Soviet Union often took the form of questions to the fictitious help-line of Radio Yerevan:

Q: How can baldness be cured?
A: Unfortunately we don't answer political questions!

I loved those Radio Yerevan jokes!

Q: Is it possible to be a good communist and a good catholic?
A: Principally yes, but why do you want to burden your life twice?

 

[Klystron]

I loved those Radio Yerevan jokes!

Q: Is it possible to be a good communist and a good catholic?
A: Principally yes, but why do you want to burden your life twice?

Radio Yerevan reminds me of 1960's Radio Free Europe / Radio Liberty broadcasts into the USSR. Every time they would play Perry Como's White Christmas, we would think, 'Great programming, cousins! Now the USSR will last another thirty years just for spite".

 

[Klystron]

Which leader of the USSR was the best cook?
Nikita Kru-Chef

and what was his babushka's name?
Grandma Kerchief

Explication: Back in USSR-times Eastern European* women above a certain age were always pictured wearing shawls and large head scarfs (babushki). Babushka became slang for elderly woman; hence, grandmother. Kerchief is another term for scarf. Kerchief sounds like Krushchev.

*Note how the Cold War modified geography: Central Europe suddenly became Eastern Europe. This placed Moscow somewhere in "east Asia"; a political move satirized in novels such as Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four.

 

[DrGreg]

White Christmas

That reminds me of the cast list for the film

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Muss
Jess Likedy
Juan Swee
Hugh Sterno

Wendy Treetops-Glissen
Ann Chilled-Wren
Liz Anne
“Two Ears” Laybelle
Cindy Snow

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Musswit
Avery Criss
Miss Carr
Dai Wright

Mayor Dazeby
Mary-Ann Bright
Anna-May Hall-York-Rhys
Mrs B White​

Credit: Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie, Tim Brooke-Taylor in The Making of The Goodies Disaster Movie​

 

[davenn]

That reminds me of the cast list for the film

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Muss
Jess Likedy
Juan Swee
Hugh Sterno .....
​

very good

 

[davenn]

For 2018

 

[Klystron]

For 2018

View attachment 238564

Your joke is funny on so many levels:

• the "birthday cake" requires assembly.
• only uses the egg whites, presumably.
• it is mostly white lard (ugh!).
• the salt is in a tiny (overpriced?) shaker.
• and the glass of milk is half empty/full.

Good one

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[256bits]

Your joke is funny on so many levels:

• the "birthday cake" requires assembly.
• only uses the egg whites, presumably.
• it is mostly white lard (ugh!).
• the salt is in a tiny (overpriced?) shaker.
• and the glass of milk is half empty/full.

Good one

And no power tools required - a hand whisk.
Double funny!