Collection of Lame Jokes

[bland]

Doctor: When did you first notice you had diarrhoea?

Patient: When I took off my bicycle clips.

 

[OCR]

some will get this

Dead Parrot sketch ?

"is no more", "has ceased to be", "bereft of life, it rests in peace", "this is an ex-parrot"

Lol...

 

[fresh_42]

some will get this
<image>
mite have to buy one of these

This has been in my ad feed:

https://scontent-ams3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15178040_1873493609537646_6674749971557823134_n.jpg?oh=70485781db6e4d757611d56bcf5832bd&oe=58BDBABB

 

[Mark44]

some will get this

mite have to buy one of these

No, he's just "havin' a kip"

A great Python bit...

 

[DrGreg]

What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast this morning?

... a synonym roll.

Synonyms!
What are they like?!

 

[Ibix]

Synonyms!
What are they like?!

Metaphors.

 

[fresh_42]

Metaphors.

Uh, Aphorism's kid.

 

[jtbell]

Today I learned that covering your eyes with ketchup give you 20/20 Heinz sight.

 

[Ibix]

Today I learned that covering your eyes with ketchup give you 20/20 Heinz sight.

It let's you see if anything behind you will ever ketchup.

 

[davenn]

Today I learned that covering your eyes with ketchup give you 20/20 Heinz sight.

It let's you see if anything behind you will ever ketchup.

double groan hahaha ... very good

 

[Ibix]

double groan hahaha ... very good

In the spirit of proper academic behaviour, I ought to cite Thurman in Tarantino (1994), who delivers a similar lame pun.

 

[davenn]

In the spirit of proper academic behaviour, I ought to cite Thurman in Tarantino (1994), who delivers a similar lame pun.

in pulp fiction ?

 

[Ibix]

Yup. Uma Thurman's character was going to star in a horrifically generic all-female spy team series. It falls through after the pilot, and she ends up telling John Travolta all about it over dinner. She was going to have a once-an-episode corny joke gimmick - and the one from the only episode made was something to the effect of "The tomato is lagging behind, so all the other vegetables turn round and say 'ketchup'".

 

[davenn]

Yup. Uma Thurman's character was going to star in a horrifically generic all-female spy team series. It falls through after the pilot, and she ends up telling John Travolta all about it over dinner. She was going to have a once-an-episode corny joke gimmick - and the one from the only episode made was something to the effect of "The tomato is lagging behind, so all the other vegetables turn round and say 'ketchup'".

one of my fav crazy movies :)

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 110481

As a person of profound knowledge in chemistry, can you tell me, what my hairdresser means?
He's always saying I Cobalt.

 

[mfb]

As a person of profound knowledge in chemistry, can you tell me, what my hairdresser means?
He's always saying I Cobalt.

Don't worry, it means you won't need them much longer.

 

[Ibix]

I got a rental car the other day. It was such a pain to get into. My car is quite low to the ground, but this one was a hire car.

 

[fresh_42]

I got a rental car the other day. It was such a pain to get into. My car is quite low to the ground, but this one was a hire car.

Paid by a flat rate to lower the hire? Watch out the tire!

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

I'm sure this will work ... NOT !
I just shake my head in disbelief

 

[jtbell]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: "I'm a marvelous housekeeper. Whenever I leave a man, I keep the house."

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

gosh, whoever wrote that last one, needs to learn some punctuation ( wasn't me)

 

[Ibix]

It is a bit panda packing heat, isn't it? I make it two or three missing commas depending on your attitude to the Oxford comma.

 

[Hugh Parker]

What is green, slimy, and lives in cell phones and CPs? ... I don't know either, but one is crawling out of yours right now.

 

[Hugh Parker]

Did you hear about the butcher who got a little behind in his business?

 

[Hugh Parker]

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?