Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

Yesterday I played chess against my little eight-year-old daughter. She was playing for the first time.
Of course I beat her.

But only because the lousy pita has won.

I think that would work better as "won the game" rather than "has won". (YMMV on whether beating your child because she beat you at chess is funny, but the play on "beat" is clearer).

 

[fresh_42]

I think that would work better as "won the game" rather than "has won". (YMMV on whether beating your child because she beat you at chess is funny, but the play on "beat" is clearer).

I used Google translate, double checked. Mainly to get "kleine Pissnelke" translated, but this was in vain. Yeah, beating your child was an issue I had also trouble with. Finally I thought it is like ego-shooter video games: it only happened to electrons, not real persons. Of course I would have beaten her. On the board, of course.

 

[nuuskur]

I used Google translate, double checked. Mainly to get "kleine Pissnelke" translated, but this was in vain. Yeah, beating your child was an issue I had also trouble with. Finally I thought it is like ego-shooter video games: it only happened to electrons, not real persons. Of course I would have beaten her. On the board, of course.

That is like..waaay above my paygrade.

 

[Klystron]

I used Google translate, double checked. Mainly to get "kleine Pissnelke" translated, but this was in vain. Yeah, beating your child was an issue I had also trouble with. Finally I thought it is like ego-shooter video games: it only happened to electrons, not real persons. Of course I would have beaten her. On the board, of course.

In colloquial but archaic American English "little pissant" sounds close but the expression is pejorative and exclusively masculine; at least I have never heard the term "pissant" applied to a girl much less a woman since the insult implies an immature male.

Nelke translates literally as Carnation on my machine. So, my "sweet little flower" let me win?

 

[fresh_42]

In colloquial but archaic American English "little pissant" sounds close but the expression is pejorative and exclusively masculine; at least I have never heard the term "pissant" applied to a girl much less a woman since the insult implies an immature male.

Nelke translates literally as Carnation on my machine. So, my "sweet little flower" let me win?

Well, depends on how much sarcasm lies in the "sweet" part. Although carnation is true and which is why it is an insult for females, it is still an insult; the rest of the word does not need a translation. The flower only softens the insult a bit. However, I wouldn't use it and definitely not on strangers. But as the entire story, it's not real, so the words shall only transport the mood.

 

[Klystron]

With apologies to Joyce Kilmer

I think that I shall never see,​

A poem as lovely as your knee.​

A knee whose flesh lies softly prest,​

Against thy sweet and flowing breast.​

​

 

[fresh_42]

 

[strangerep]

But only because the lousy pita has won.

PITA? Pain In The A**e?

 

[fresh_42]

PITA? Pain In The A**e?

The closest I came with dictionaries to translate the insult in german slang.

 

[fresh_42]

Does anyone have the phone number of that witch from Snow White? I need some apples.

 

[256bits]

Said one hair to the other..
"Your jokes are lousy."
"They might be, but quit nit-picking."

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

Military Intelligence have a recruiting stand in the lobby...

 

[Klystron]

Homeless people own the condos...

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Infertility is hereditary.

If your parents did not have children, you will not get any either.

Which leads to the following:
You (each living entity actually) come from a long line of reproducers, going back to the beginning of life (which is a pretty impressive string of reproductive success).

No, actually it leads to the conclusion (or logical premise) that if your parents did not have any children you do not exist! ...
[Or (if you do anyway) they are not your parents! ...]

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 249261​

This reminds me of a space anecdote. NASA spent many (I've heard of millions) of dollars to develop a ball pen which worked in zero gravity, the Russians simply equipped their cosmonauts with pencils.

 

[Ibix]

This reminds me of a space anecdote. NASA spent many (I've heard of millions) of dollars to develop a ball pen which worked in zero gravity, the Russians simply equipped their cosmonauts with pencils.

I've heard this before, but it's been pointed out that pencils aren't a great idea in zero g. Graphite is slightly conductive, and pencil shavings or broken leads will get everywhere. So this may be an urban legend. Or at least it's one of those things I'd like a decent source for.

 

[fresh_42]

I've heard this before, but it's been pointed out that pencils aren't a great idea in zero g. Graphite is slightly conductive, and pencil shavings or broken leads will get everywhere. So this may be an urban legend. Or at least it's one of those things I'd like a decent source for.

I once told someone an anecdote about a professor. The story was quite bizarre, but so was the professor. He answered: "I do not think it's true. However, the clue is: it could be true!"

It's similar to the urban legend about the US ship and the lighthouse. It dates back in the 30's and nobody really knows whether it has been true or not. That the US ship became larger and larger in every decade didn't help either.

 

[Klystron]

Television advertising rears its ugly head: Bic pens promoted an aggressive marketing campaign that helped perpetuate this rumor while selling many "space pens". Mind you, ball point pens were starting to replace fountain pens as primary writing instruments in this period and Bic made a decent pen.

NASA had guidelines for permanent records that stipulated ink pens over easy to erase pencil. While I used #2 pencils for calculating on paper, I switched to pen when correcting documents and marking software printouts while working at Ames.

 

[fresh_42]

DYK that some people do not need gluten or lactose to be intolerant?

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

And, misteriously, the bookmarks once lost from Firefox, are back, reappeared.

 

[fresh_42]

And, misteriously, the bookmarks once lost from Firefox, are back, reappeared.

How did you manage to get the book with the marks into firefox?

 

[WWGD]

How did you manage to get the book with the marks into firefox?

Ah, sorry I posted it here, intended for RT. Though losing the bookmarks was no joke.

 

[WWGD]

At any rate, are the jokes here not a proper set but a collection? Never saw a proof of it.

 

[mfb]

It's similar to the urban legend about the US ship and the lighthouse. It dates back in the 30's and nobody really knows whether it has been true or not. That the US ship became larger and larger in every decade didn't help either.

It is not similar at all. We know it is wrong in every aspect.
Both the US and the Soviets used pencils and grease pencils and experimented with a bit more but they all come with some issues. They both switched to commercially available pens they bought for a few dollars per pen.
This pen thing is a stupid myth that circulates around the internet and has always been trivial to disprove, if only people would bother before sharing nonsense.

 

[fresh_42]

Some things are just funny and it's not really important if true or not. It's not as if I spread the twin towers conspiracy. Btw. we could win € 1,000,000 if we prove that Bielefeld doesn't exist! And have you ever read the "Karstadt Verschwörung"? I like those stories. They do no harm.

 

[mfb]

Some people use this as argument how much money NASA wastes or similar. Others get the wrong impression NASA would waste money on silly things like this. It is not absurd enough to be obviously satire.

 

[fresh_42]

Some people use this as argument how much money NASA wastes or similar. Others get the wrong impression NASA would waste money on silly things like this. It is not absurd enough to be obviously satire.

This is something different. Firstly, it is not a valid argument to generalize an example, and secondly such a story in this thread of jokes can hardly be taken as evidence.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 249276

Who is it you believe? Your eyes or me?

 

[Ibix]

The Vatican City exists entirely to be the "capital city" of the Catholic church, and it's inside Italy but not part of Italy, right? So it's a wholly holy city in a holey country.

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 247898

There is (or used to be) a programme on the radio called The News Quiz, which does exactly what it says on the tin. Inbetween rounds they'd read out clippings from newspapers or magazines sent in by listeners. One I remember was from the letters page of a gardening magazine.

Q: My neighbour has a plant in his back garden which he says is a cabbage. I'm worried it's cannabis. How can I tell the difference?

A: Steal a few leaves and smoke them. If you are still worried, it's cabbage.

 

[jtbell]

News flash: The Energizer bunny has been arrested and charged with battery!

 

[Ibix]

I was working at the store the other day and this guy ripped open a packet of triple-As, grabbed one, picked up a jar of salt, and then came racing right towards me. That's right - I was charged with salt and battery.

 

[BillTre]

 

[256bits]

Ha Ha . The compressor told the vacuum cleaner "You suck!"

 

[Klystron]

And the oven asked the refrigerator, "Why are you always so cold to me?".

 

[jtbell]

And the oven asked the refrigerator, "Why are you always so cold to me?".

And the refrigerator responded, "Because you're just not hot enough for me!"

 

[Ibix]

John Cage's 4'33'' - is it a peace of music?

 

[mfb]

I don't know, but feel it is mute to argue against it.

 

[jack action]

I was setting my voice recognition password for my new phone and a nearby dog barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

 

[DrClaude]

Some people use this as argument how much money NASA wastes or similar. Others get the wrong impression NASA would waste money on silly things like this. It is not absurd enough to be obviously satire.

The tyranny of "common sense." Things are often more complicated than most people think.

 

[fresh_42]

The tyranny of "common sense." Things are often more complicated than most people think.

 

[nuuskur]

We like to think in extremes or in black and white, perhaps, because it's easier for some reason or other.

 

[BillTre]

We like to think in extremes or in black and white, perhaps, because it's easier for some reason or other.

Less variation to consider initially (with a loss of resolution). Fewer possible scenarios to consider.
Fewer possible resulting scenarios to consider. Fewer calculations to compare all situations.
Fewer possible scenarios to consider.
Less thinking.
Its easier.

 

[fresh_42]

Less thinking.
Its easier.

Yes, but it is also the reason our law cases usually lasts so long. Other than the newspaper headlines they have to figure out were the bell curve has its maximum!

 

[Klystron]

We like to think in extremes or in black and white, perhaps, because it's easier for some reason or other.

Less variation to consider initially (with a loss of resolution). Fewer possible scenarios to consider.
Fewer possible resulting scenarios to consider. Fewer calculations to compare all situations.
Fewer possible scenarios to consider.
Less thinking.
Its easier.

To be sure people lack capacity for detail but we should not mistake this for Minimalism or Simplicity principle (KISS). Minimalism eliminates extraneous redundant pieces in order to concentrate on core details. KISS invites complexity but where required to solve the problem.

Simple in this context means to avoid not embrace stupidity.