Collection of Lame Jokes

[mfb]

I know this joke with physicists and engineers, and it comes with an extra line:

What do we learn from this? Engineers apply the methods of physics without understanding them.

 

[fresh_42]

I know this joke with physicists and engineers, and it comes with an extra line:

What do we learn from this? Engineers apply the methods of physics without understanding them.

Me with mathematicians and economist, including the extra line.

 

[nuuskur]

This might get me banned, but here goes..

Spoiler: Proceed with caution!

Spoiler: Are you totally sure?

$\sin x=x$

 

[fresh_42]

"Uuh, those are fluffy little puppies, what's that breed?"
"Strawberry. About 11 weeks old."

 

[Mark44]

"Uuh, those are fluffy little puppies, what's that breed?"
"Strawberry. About 11 weeks old."

Anybody else not get this?

 

[fresh_42]

Anybody else not get this?

 

[Mark44]

Makes more sense if you include the picture...

 

[BillTre]

For Today Only:

 

[mfb]

Anybody else not get this?

No one wants to get strawberries that old.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, of course, provides more general legal services. Their website: http://www.dewey-cheatham-howe.com/

 

[mfb]

I would be careful with these - they might be lawyers just because their names give them clients, not because they are actually good.

 

[DennisN]

I'm thinking about using a cloud storage service, but I am a bit hesitant regarding the stability of those.
Do they work on sunny days?

 

[davenn]

I'm thinking about using a cloud storage service, but I am a bit hesitant regarding the stability of those.
Do they work on sunny days?

speaking of cloud storage ...

 

[jtbell]

I'm thinking about using a cloud storage service, but I am a bit hesitant regarding the stability of those.
Do they work on sunny days?

No problem. The Internet is world-wide. If it's sunny where you are, your data is automatically routed to someplace cloudy before being sent upwards.

 

[Mark44]

Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, of course, provides more general legal services. Their website: http://www.dewey-cheatham-howe.com/

I would be careful with these - they might be lawyers just because their names give them clients, not because they are actually good.

I'm fairly sure the website above is fake. The links on that page (at least the couple I checked) generate 404 errors.
For our non-US readers, the bogus law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe was dreamed up by the hosts of NPR's Car Talk radio show, Tom and Ray Magliozzi, AKA "Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers."

Another made-up name they used often was that of a purported high school English teacher, I. M. Shirley Wright.

 

[Vanadium 50]

I'm fairly sure the website above is fake.

Oh, the website is real all right. It's the firm that's fake.

 

[Ibix]

I'm fairly sure the website above is fake.

I was assuming @mfb was playing straight man. The website is definitely a spoof, even without your knowledge of the joke's origins. The phone number isn't particularly plausible to start with, and "we endeavor, both for our clients and ourselves, to acquire the property of others through the legal process and all other appropriate means" seems like a fairly obvious caricature of an amoral law firm.

 

[Vanadium 50]

fairly obvious caricature of an amoral law firm.

"My dad's a barber."
"Really? My dad's a lawyer."
"Honest?"
"No, just the regular kind."

 

[mjc123]

For our non-US readers, the bogus law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe was dreamed up by the hosts of NPR's Car Talk radio show, Tom and Ray Magliozzi, AKA "Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers."

Related to the apocryphal English law firm Sue, Grabbitt & Runne?

 

[fresh_42]

My diet has failed. I will now focus on growing taller.

 

[WWGD]

I don't get why anyone wants to store clouds, but anyway. A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing.

 

[WWGD]

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

 

[BillTre]

I don't get why anyone wants to store clouds, but anyway. A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing.

Efficiency Tip:
If you were to compress the cloud into a more dense state, like a liquid, it could more efficiently be stored.

 

[jack action]

Efficiency Tip:
If you were to compress the cloud into a more dense state, like a liquid, it could more efficiently be stored.

Normally, compressing it into a solid would be more dense, but since clouds are made of water, this is not the case.

Therefore I vote to use another material to make the cloud more efficient, one that the solid state is more dense than the liquid state, and since we can select any material other than water, let's take the densest (stable) one: Osmium.

Assuming an actual cloud has a density of 0.5 g/m³, this would reduce the space needed by a factor of 45 millions!

 

[fresh_42]

Osmium

isn't save to hacker attacks by osmosis.

 

[mfb]

Iridium storage then, 22.56 g/cm³

Wait, are we back to the sky now?

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[gmax137]

For our non-US readers, the bogus law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe was dreamed up by the hosts of NPR's Car Talk radio show, Tom and Ray Magliozzi, AKA "Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers."

I heard it first on old Three Stooges shorts.

 

[WWGD]

United Nations office in Bangkok is so formal it won't let you in without a Thai.

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

When Cobain was younger, people said he was a little curt.

 

[fresh_42]

The sign says: "Please don't park too close to the driver's side. I am rather fat."

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 251173

The sign says: "Please don't park too close to the driver's side. I am rather fat."

By the time anyone reads the sign they will likely already be parked. German efficiency needs an upgrade.

 

[mfb]

Use a bar that sticks out on the driver side. At the end, attach a sign "please leave that much space".

 

[fresh_42]

Use a bar that sticks out on the driver side.

An umbrella, use an umbrella! Those British ones: long with a handle and a metal peak at the end. I have recognized that swinging such an umbrella while crossing a street works perfectly! People fear the possibility of a scratch more than they fear an accident with a pedestrian.

 

[Ibix]

People fear the possibility of a scratch more than they fear an accident with a pedestrian.

Sometimes it's a problem: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgi_Markov

 

[davenn]

I was the first person to install trampolines in musician's tour buses
and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

 

[davenn]

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[jtbell]

jumping on the bandwagon.

Doesn't that imply the trampoline is on the roof of the bus?

 

[WWGD]

I was in my best physical shape at age one. People would look at me and say : Hey, you look like you're zero!

 

[Ibix]

Doesn't that imply the trampoline is on the roof of the bus?

Yes. So you have to time your bounces right to avoid injury from signboards and traffic lights etc. People who don't time it right find themselves lying by the side of the road, hurt, and tend to self-medicate with whatever's to hand - hence the expression off the wagon.

 

[Ibix]

How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?

None! A true warrior is not afraid of the dark!

 

[fresh_42]

How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?

None! A true warrior is not afraid of the dark!

How many red jerseys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three! The first dies from the short circuit he causes while trying. The second dies falling off the ladder, and the third does the job. But he wore a blue jersey.

 

[jack action]

 

[DrGreg]

And now a joke to use if you want to insult someone:

How many physics experts does it take to change a lightbulb?​

​

You don't know? I didn't think you would!​

 

[WWGD]

One of the worse- named recent books: "A crash course in driving".