Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

And now a joke to use if you want to insult someone:

How many physics experts does it take to change a lightbulb?​

​

You don't know? I didn't think you would!​

Maybe you can continue :Everyone else knew but you. Wonder why.
Probably not included in "How to make friends and influence people".

 

[mfb]

Which job has the most casual uniform?

Spoiler

Pilots, they wear plane clothes.

 

[Ibix]

How many red jerseys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three! The first dies from the short circuit he causes while trying. The second dies falling off the ladder, and the third does the job. But he wore a blue jersey.

I read a short story years ago about a redshirt who's noticed what happens to redshirts and flat refuses to leave the ship until he's given a blue shirt. He's so pleased with it that it isn't until the transporter is being activated that he realizes Spock is wearing red and all his mates are in blue...

Babylon 5 straight up made a joke out of it in the TV series itself. The security insignia was a bullseye, and all the security troops wore it prominently on the left breast of their uniform. And the security chief was called Garibaldi - named after Giuseppe Garibaldi, an Italian leader whose volunteers did actually wear red shirts.

 

[jack action]

 

[256bits]

View attachment 251399​

Are we sure the 1080p has the correct number of "p"?

 

[Ibix]

Are we sure the 1080p has the correct number of "p"?

Good spot - there are 22 rows of 47 plus the final row, which should be length 46 (since 23×47=1081) but clearly isn't.

 

[mfb]

Good spot - there are 22 rows of 47 plus the final row, which should be length 46 (since 23×47=1081) but clearly isn't.

That is not 0k.

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

Did you hear about the successful band leader who murdered someone? He got the chair, but wouldn't die. Turns out he was a good conductor.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

My dog was born without a nose.
How does he smell?
Horrible!

 

[Sofa]

"Could you remind me what the Japanese particle for possessives is?"
"の"
"Why not?"

Also:
A nation's navy employs mermaids to distract personnel of an invading force. They grant the nation time to evacuate civilians from coastal cities and towns. These are the Civil Defense Sirens.

 

[WWGD]

"Could you remind me what the Japanese particle for possessives is?"
"の"
"Why not?"

Also:
A nation's navy employs mermaids to distract personnel of an invading force. They grant the nation time to evacuate civilians from coastal cities and towns. These are the Civil Defense Sirens.

Sofa so good.

 

[Sofa]

I don't like eating meats like liver, intestine, or other internal organs. They're offal.

 

[DrGreg]

My dog was born without a nose.
How does he smell?
Horrible!

I call my dog "Isiah" because one eye's higher than the other.

 

[WWGD]

I call my dog "Isiah" because one eye's higher than the other.

Isiahn example of it daily.

 

[fresh_42]

"This tofu is already a bit dry."

"That's the grill lighter!"

 

[Ibix]

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

 

[Ibix]

I bought some shoes second hand from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

 

[WWGD]

What's your name?
Steve.
Is that short for something?
Yes, Steve $+ \epsilon$.

 

[WWGD]

When I go to a fancy place with a wine list I always ask with a straight face if they have my favorite, Cau Manuer( With French accent). Hope they never answer yes, or I am walking out on the spot.

 

[Ibix]

When I go to a fancy place with a wine list I always ask with a straight face if they have my favorite, Cau Manuer( With French accent). Hope they never answer yes, or I am walking out on the spot.

I call BS on that story...

 

[WWGD]

I call BS on that story...

I think you mean CS on it?

 

[Ibix]

I think you mean CS on it?

Gender non-specific bovine excreta.

 

[WWGD]

Gender non-specific bovine excreta.

I'll save that one for the hotdog place. Vendor is a Bio phd dropout.

 

[mfb]

I bought some shoes second hand from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Q: Why did you buy shoes from a drug dealer?
A: He was the sole supplier.

*cough*[/size]

 

[256bits]

I'll save that one for the hotdog place. Vendor is a Bio phd dropout.

Ha Ha.
One hot and steaming fresh a cow patty to go with the wine please.

 

[Ibix]

What kind of dog can do magic?

A labracadabrador.

 

[Borg]

When I go to a fancy place with a wine list I always ask with a straight face if they have my favorite, Cau Manuer( With French accent). Hope they never answer yes, or I am walking out on the spot.

Whenever a doctor asks if I'm allergic to anything, I reply "Just poison".

 

[davenn]

Dr Who - Star Wars crossover

 

[davenn]

My wife threatened to leave me over my obsession with horse racing.

Anyway, she’s at the gate... and she’s off.

 

[Sofa]

 

[BillTre]

Of course, repurposed from the classic routine:

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

Don't know how true this is, but I do know there is a Boring, Oregon and its a good story.

 

[WWGD]

My mother has been walking 3 miles a day for 10 years now. We have no idea where she is.

 

[Mark44]

My mother has been walking 3 miles a day for 10 years now. We have no idea where she is.

Sounds like something Steven Wright might have said.

While I'm at it, a couple more quotes from him.

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely is not for you."

 

[BillTre]

I like side jokes, for example (from Groucho):
"Outside a dog, a book is a man's (person's) best friend.
Inside a dog, its too dark to read."

There are lots of jokes based playing with meanings of ____-side words.

 

[WWGD]

I like side jokes, for example (from Groucho):
"Outside a dog, a book is a man's (person's) best friend.
Inside a dog, its too dark to read."

There are lots of jokes based playing with meanings of ____-side words.

Imagine if there was a formula to generate all jokes.

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 251821

The driver should hurry up. There's probably a big rock following!

 

[jack action]

 

[Borg]

View attachment 251823​

There's probably an archaeologist forum where they only have emojis from the top half.

 

[Vanadium 50]

There's probably a big rock following!

Or an anvil.

 

[Mark44]

Or an Acme anvil.

Fixed that for you...
Wile E. Coyote was one of Acme's biggest customers.

 

[Bystander]

Wile E. Coyote was one of Acme's biggest customers.

"Was?" When did ACME go out of business? The alternative (far as past tense) is too much to contemplate.

 

[Keith_McClary]

Good spot - there are 22 rows of 47 plus the final row, which should be length 46 (since 23×47=1081) but clearly isn't.

There's always a few dead p's.

 

[jack action]