Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

Love this one ...

 

[Vanadium 50]

Wile E. Coyote was one of Acme's biggest customers.

And one of their flattest.

 

[WWGD]

I changed my diet and now I am regular, I clear my stool daily at 7 a.m. Unfortunately, I wake up at 8 a.m.

 

[WWGD]

Just realized that was like my 3rd stool joke. I should call my therapist but he seems to be avoiding me, same for many I know. Hmm...

 

[AndromedaRXJ]

Bruce Lee: "Boards don't hit back!"

Isaac Newton: "Am I a joke to you?"

 

[Ibix]

I had to wait to see the doctor the other day, and the only thing there was to read was fashion magazines. I can't be bothered. It just goes in one year and out the other.

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 251782

And SpaceZ would be coming right at you. Duck!

 

[DaveC426913]

"Technically, we're all half Centaur."
- Nick Offerman

 

[jack action]

I like to add � and ’ any time I submit online forms because I know that some developer is going to see it and wonder if they have a bug.

 

[anorlunda]

This arrived from Amazon today. How do I open the plastic package?

 

[Borg]

Looks like the instructions are on the top right picture.

 

[jbriggs444]

First you curse the plastic packaging. Then you re-curse.

 

[fresh_42]

This arrived from Amazon today. How do I open the plastic package?

View attachment 252021

No problem, just 10 bucks and you can get that one:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00886O6TE/?tag=pfamazon01-20

 

[DaveC426913]

Thinking of this another way, this is kind of clever "marketing after-the-fact".

If you had any doubts about whether you really needed this tool, those doubts will be dispelled with a vengeance. If they played their cards right, you might even stab yourself in the palm with the blunt kiddie scissors you had to use to get it open.

This arrived from Amazon today. How do I open the plastic package?

View attachment 252021

 

[jeff davis]

Where did napoleon keep his armies?

In his sleevies

 

[WWGD]

Vietnamese soup. What is it Pho?

 

[fresh_42]

DYK that Albert Einstein was named after Max Planck?

 

[jack action]

 

[davenn]

I invented a new word...

Plagiarism

 

[WWGD]

Oh, your work is so abstract.
Can you explain what you do to your mother?
I don't do _ ANYTHING_ to my mother!

 

[256bits]

That's nasty!

 

[WWGD]

That's nasty!

I thought it was more towards the weird, which is my thing, but you're right.

 

[256bits]

I thought it was more towards the weird, which is my thing, but you're right.

I was saying the joke is nasty, especially if you are the mother, who loves her son unconditionally - maybe not now!

 

[jeff davis]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef

 

[jeff davis]

What do you call a cow with only two legs?

Lean Beef

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jack action]

Computer fact:

Programmers are always worrying about "source code" but never about "destination code" because they have no idea where any of this is headed.

 

[jack action]

My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said: «No , we all seem to enjoy it.»

 

[davenn]

 

[jack action]

 

[Borg]

Is that for the new 25K TVs?

 

[mfb]

Computer fact:

Programmers are always worrying about "source code" but never about "destination code" because they have no idea where any of this is headed.

Well, you know the classic existential questions: Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going?
Step 1 is solved: Just type "whoami". Programmers are at step 2.

 

[Borg]

My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said: «No , we all seem to enjoy it.»

Reminds me of this oldie but goodie.

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 252155

I recall seeing a "video of poltergeist activity" being debunked. The poster claimed stuff moved round spontaneously at 3am every day. Skeptics pointed out that, from the date/time stamps on the videos, he appeared to have a poltergeist that respected daylight savings time...

 

[Ibix]

A colleague told me an eskimo joke, but Inuit.

 

[davenn]

 

[jack action]

 

[Johnny Yuma]

CAUTION...BAD PUN AHEAD:

At the San Francisco Zoo there was a exhibit of dolphins in a large pool. Sad to say, they were not shy about showing affection for one another. Complaints were filed. Zookeepers were informed that raw seagull meat would sublimate these urges. It worked. There are lot of gulls in the S.F. area, so...

Problem was, to get to the dolphins it was a long walk around the lion exhibit and occasionally, after lions were fed and sleepy, zookeepers would make a short cut thru the lion's den... safely, over and around the lions.

It was a shock when the FBI showed up one day and arrested some of the zoo keepers and hauled them away.
It was stated that the violation came under the ...1937 Mann Act: Crossing a staid lion...with a gull...for immoral porpoises.

 

[fresh_42]

How does a man start a smart sentence?

Spoiler

My wife has said, ...

 

[jack action]

You may need a permit for a deck but anyone can store a boat behind their house:

 

[Johnny Yuma]

Another pun...Old cattle rancher was getting to retire. Had two sons and wanted to pass off the business to them. He thought Jones Cattle Ranch name should be retired and told sons to come up with a new name. They came back couple of days later and announced the new name should be FOCUS. Why, asked the old timer ? They replied..."because that is where the sons raise meat".

 

[davenn]

don't get it ??

 

[davenn]

I know this feeling well

 

[Ibix]

don't get it ??

The focus is where the Sun's rays meet.

 

[gmax137]

The focus is where the Sun's rays meet.

D'Oh

 

[jack action]

Damn time change. I had to go around and do this to all my clocks:

 

[Ibix]

A pirate goes to see his doctor. "Arrr, I 'av moles on mi back."

The doctor tells him to take off his shirt so he can have a look. After he examines him he says "It's ok - they're benign".

"Arr," says the pirate. "Count again - I think there be ten."

 

[WWGD]

Went to watch the Sea Animal show.
I watched the one with the dolphins my friend watched the otter one.

 

[WWGD]

Wow, that one went the way of Bohmian Rhpsody.