Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

I don't care what transvestites do, as long as they don't drag me into it.

 

[WWGD]

Killer plead the court for mercy after killing his mother: "Ladies and gentlemen, please remember, I am
an orphan!"

 

[256bits]

What do you see?
If not a joke, at least it's fun, and amazing.

Spoiler

 

[davenn]

 

[jim mcnamara]

Alternative facts are...
Aversion of the truth.

I used to have a fear of hurdles...
But I got over it.

Did you know they won't be making yardsticks?
Any longer?

 

[mfb]

They don't make yardsticks any longer, but they make meter sticks now. 10% longer.

 

[fresh_42]

DYK that most square yards are much bigger than a square yard?

 

[WWGD]

Harvard is the square root of Harvard Square(d).

 

[mfb]

Which famous place is this: t²?

 

[Ibix]

Which famous place is this: t²?

Spoiler: Hint

$t^2\in\nu_{\mathrm{York}}$

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

Spoiler: Hint

$t^2\in\nu_{\mathrm{York}}$

Spoiler

I'm sure York is a class, we can create a new instance:
auto city = new York();

 

[WWGD]

Which famous place is this: t²?

Nefer$t^2$:=Nefert$\cdot$t? It is in Egyp$t^1$.

 

[WWGD]

Dr Kevorkian played the piano, recorded an album:
"Jack Kevorkian: Unplugged"

 

[WWGD]

"Waiter, do you have wild duck?"
"No, but I can really piss off *a chicken for you"?
*Probably means something different in the UK or other Anglo.

 

[fresh_42]

Which famous place is this: t²?

This was an easy one. Here comes a tough (and really lame) one: Which London place is this?

Spoiler

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[AlexCaledin]

- because Morons are the (mentally) accelerated "particles"! The universe works as the large moron collider.

 

[DrGreg]

Which famous place is this: t²?

Spoiler: Hint

$t^2\in\nu_{\mathrm{York}}$

Spoiler

But surely that would be $\times^2$ not $t^2$?

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[Keith_McClary]

View attachment 254174

And, that's just the public schools.
(Also different in UK speak?)

 

[mfb]

I'm too (continental) European to understand that joke.

(Well, I understand it, but it doesn't apply here)

 

[WWGD]

US kids can be mean. German kids are kinder.

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 254165

Ever hear of administratium?
http://www.mit.edu/people/dmredish/wwwMLRF/links/Humor/Administratium.html

However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

So my Friend asked, in the toy store, for an Arnold Schwarzenegger Action figure.
Clerk said it was "Aisle B, back".

 

[davenn]

Friend: How many people work at your company ?

Me: About half of them

 

[davenn]

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

Does anyone know who the heck this Norwegian is I so often hear about these days? He calls himself Lars Krismus.

 

[DrClaude]

Does anyone know who the heck this Norwegian is I so often hear about these days? He calls himself Lars Krismus.

You can see him in this video:

 

[DrGreg]

Does anyone know who the heck this Norwegian is I so often hear about these days? He calls himself Lars Krismus.

Is he a heart surgeon?

 

[fresh_42]

Is he a heart surgeon?

I don't think so, but it seems he will donate his organs.

 

[DaveC426913]

You can see him in this video:

Ha! Your efforts to trick me are wasted. Wasted, I tell you!

I was disqualified from Whamageddon more than a week ago!

 

[davenn]

one for my fellow Star Trek fans

 

[Ibix]

In a similar vein, how dangerous is Richard Sharpe? Put it like this - he survived the Napoleonic wars while being played by Sean Bean.

 

[davenn]

In a similar vein, how dangerous is Richard Sharpe? Put it like this - he survived the Napoleonic wars while being played by Sean Bean.

not familiar with that one

 

[Ibix]

not familiar with that one

Sean Bean has something of a reputation for playing characters who get killed, even when he's not the bad guy - Ned Stark and Boromir are the famous ones, but a quick look through his IMDB page will find a lot more.

Sharpe is the eponymous hero a series of historical military fiction novels by Bernard Cornwell (fun and broadly accurate, if rather formulaic), made into a TV series staring Sean Bean. It's been observed that surviving the whole peninsula campaign requires an impressive degree of toughness or luck - doing it while being played by Sean Bean, doubly so.

 

[mjc123]

He played Odysseus in "Troy", who survived. (Went on to star in a whole new epic, in fact - Odysseus that is, not Bean.)

 

[Ibix]

He played Odysseus in "Troy", who survived. (Went on to star in a whole new epic, in fact - Odysseus that is, not Bean.)

Odysseus, like Sharpe, survived a war. And a twenty-odd year voyage home with most of the Olympian gods out to get him. Being played by Sean Bean was just one more challenge after all that...

 

[fresh_42]

Just read: Every German drinks a bathtub full of alcohol per year.

Great, and I still drink from bottles.

 

[jtbell]

Vermont town puts up speed signs that tell drivers if they are 'naughty' or 'nice' (cnn.com)

You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: Santa Claus is watching you drive!

 

[DrGreg]

A joke based on a Christmas carol.

To appreciate this, you'll need to recognise the tune before you look at the punchline. Even if you don't read music, hopefully you can still work out the tune by looking at how the uppermost notes go up and down.

Spoiler: The punchline

Spoiler: I don't get it

The First Noel

 

[WWGD]

They are building a highway from the Bering Strait to the capital of Alaska. Did Juneau that?

 

[DaveC426913]

A joke based on a Christmas carol.

To appreciate this, you'll need to recognise the tune before you look at the punchline. Even if you don't read music, hopefully you can still work out the tune by looking at how the uppermost notes go up and down.

Ok, you got me.

 

[DaveC426913]

They are building a highway from the Bering Strait to the capital of Alaska. Did Juneau that?

I visited Juneau last year. Beautiful temperate rainforest.

There are no roads into Juneau. They have their own sense of humour about their sitch:

There are three - and only three - ways into Juneau: by airplane, by ship and by birth canal.

 

[davenn]

Did Juneau that?

I visited Juneau last year. Beautiful temperate rainforest.

I was there this last September, a nice place.
Spent $1000 on an Alaska gold nugget for the wife's anniversary pressie.

Nice, but the main port is totally there for the cruise ships and tourists, once you get out of there,
there is some wonderful scenery.

There are three - and only three - ways into Juneau: by airplane, by ship and by birth canal.

Yup
Ours was by cruise ship
Dave

 

[davenn]

I saw a sign in Home Depot in the plumbing isle that read, "Cast Iron Sinks".
I thought, "Any fool knows that!"

 

[davenn]

Just finished a very captivating book,
"Prison Security" by Barb Dwyer.Maybe this needs a spoiler ??

Spoiler: Prison Security

Barb Dwyer --- barbed wire

 

[BillTre]