Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

I guess some jokes about tweeters are too political for this forum.

 

[jtbell]

The current "most unusual food" thread reminded me...

A group of guys went on a camping trip. They drew straws to choose who would cook the meals, and made a rule that whoever complained about the food would have to take over the job. Mr. Short Straw wasn't a great cook, but nobody complained, so he was stuck. After a while, in desperation, he took some moose droppings and stirred them into the stew when the others weren't looking.

While eating the stew, his companions looked at each other uneasily. Finally one of them spoke up:

"Wow, this stuff tastes like moose sh-- ... but good!"

 

[Borg]

What is the most common language used in software engineering?

Profanity.

Man is that ever true.

 

[fresh_42]

Man is that ever true.

I used to put it this way:
There are always two things missing and missed in a SW project: A punching ball and a bottle of Cognac.

 

[lekh2003]

Cortana, tell Google to tell Siri to tell Alexa to play my playlist.

There are literal videos of people doing things like this and the assistants just start talking each other. They just converse with each other and say the most random things. It always makes me wonder what happens when their conversations begin to make sense...

 

[ISamson]

This is a 200-page thread! WOW! Amazing. 1st post in 2004!

 

[lekh2003]

This is a 200-page thread! WOW! Amazing. 1st post in 2004!

Actually the thread of Random thoughts must have been much longer if it was still one thread. The server apparently could not hold all of the pages.

 

[Psinter]

You will never capture my data alive, Meltdown and Spectre. Never!

I shall sudo rm -rf /

 

[Psinter]

Siri, how can I have an affair?
Siri: Step 1. Get a partner for starters.

As a curiosity note, can you believe you can Google that and get results with lots of anecdotes on why other people failed? Humans.

 

[lekh2003]

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now!" shouts Schrödinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

Found this on reddit.

 

[Psinter]

So to get Gmail I need a First name and a Last name, eh?...

First name: Ethan
Last name: Ol

 

[fresh_42]

So to get Gmail I need a First name and a Last name, eh?...

First name: Ethan
Last name: Ol

Let me guess: He lives in Bhutan?

 

[MarkusBerg]

If your wrong and you remain silent your wise.
If your right and you remain silent your married

Lame!

 

[Ibix]

A guy in my office has got his wrist in plaster. Most of us made sympathetic "oh no, how did you break it?" noises when we first saw him. Except one guy who, without missing a beat, goes "Mate! What's the craic?!"

(I am aware that there is some debate about the spelling of craic/crack in this context.)

 

[MarkusBerg]

A guy in my office has got his wrist in plaster. Most of us made sympathetic "oh no, how did you break it?" noises when we first saw him. Except one guy who, without missing a beat, goes "Mate! What's the craic?!"

(I am aware that there is some debate about the spelling of craic/crack in this context.)

It makes no difference to me

 

[jtbell]

What do you call Mr. Potato Head after he starts posting his videos on line?

A YouTuber.

 

[Psinter]

What do you call Mr. Potato Head after he starts posting his videos on line?

A YouTuber.

I don't get it.

 

[Ibix]

I don't get it.

A potato is a kind of tuber.

 

[Psinter]

A potato is a kind of tuber.

Ahaha.

 

[lekh2003]

Ahaha.

This thread is called lame jokes, cut it with the sarcastic laughing (unless you weren't, which I can't interpret over wifi).

 

[fresh_42]

Dear Customer Service,

first I want to tell you that I'm writing this letter with my middle fingers ...

 

[jtbell]

And for those of you who didn't get the other cultural reference in my lame joke:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Potato_Head

I had one of these when I was a kid. According to the dates in the article, it must have been the original version in which you had to supply your own potato, or rather, my mom did.

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

Well, at least the cop on the left seems to be laughing. This is unusual for coppers on duty, in my experience.

 

[lekh2003]

View attachment 218395

My phone was recently destroyed by an internal hardware issue and I lost at least 3 GB of high quality memes fresh from Reddit. It was a sad day.

 

[davenn]

not good

I don't rely on my phone for mass storage ... it's all done on the PC with backups

Dave

 

[lekh2003]

not good

I don't rely on my phone for mass storage ... it's all done on the PC with backups

Dave

I backed up everything, but Google photos decided that my memes weren't good enough to back up.

Edit: I was beta testing Google's apps.

 

[davenn]

I backed up everything, but Google photos decided that my memes weren't good enough to back up.

I refuse to use anything that involved storage in "the cloud" whatever the form. I don't trust them
and you have further reinforced my belief that they are a bad idea

 

[lekh2003]

I refuse to use anything that involved storage in "the cloud" whatever the form. I don't trust them
and you have further reinforced my belief that they are a bad idea

I have everything on the cloud for simple ease of access. I have several devices and the cloud makes it easy to access files from anywhere.

And cut Google some slack, they were still testing new features.

 

[davenn]

I have everything on the cloud for simple ease of access. I have several devices and the cloud makes it easy to access files from anywhere.

And cut Google some slack, they were still testing new features.

no way I would do that

cut slack ... no way on that either ... they have been a total pain in the butt with all their garbage, the way they have taken over stuff

anyway all this is totally off topic ... let's return to jokes