Collection of Lame Jokes

[Keith_McClary]

Today's Pearls Before Swine

 

[davenn]

The hills were alive with the ...

 

[fresh_42]

I didn't know my grandma had a gun at all, until I coughed near her house.

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

If you find yourself stressed during these trying times, try some tomato soup to sooth your soul.

It's good cold. In fact, put it over ice. With vodka.

 

[BillTre]

A blast from the past:

 

[fresh_42]

https://www.physicsforums.com/attachments/260234

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

 

[jack action]

It's ironic that the economy is collapsing because people buy only what they need.

 

[Ibix]

I was bored, so I swapped all the contents of the herbs and spices. My wife hasn't noticed yet, but that thyme is cumin.

 

[jtbell]

Yes, bide thy thyme, while listening to “The Seasonings”, S. 1/2 tsp, by P. D. Q. Bach:

 

[Ibix]

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but we always called them grandma and grandpa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa!

(That may only work for UK folks)

 

[Stavros Kiri]

It's ironic that the economy is collapsing because people buy only what they need.

I was bored ...

When they get bored and eat and have consumed everything, while at home, they'll order from home and that ought to bring back the economy straight! ...

 

[fresh_42]

I was bored, so I swapped all the contents of the herbs and spices. My wife hasn't noticed yet, but that thyme is cumin.

Be careful she won't board you for that, e.g. towards Eire.

 

[Vanadium 50]

I was bored, so I swapped all the contents of the herbs and spices. My wife hasn't noticed yet, but that thyme is cumin.

Swapping the spices? Quite a caper!

 

[jack action]

Seems Chuck Norris caught Covid.

Covid 19 put on quaranteen.

 

[WWGD]

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but we always called them grandma and grandpa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa!

(That may only work for UK folks)

I tried to tell this joke but everyone threw themselves at the floor during the pa-pa-pa...

 

[WWGD]

A bit dark:

I love manic depression.
I hate it.

 

[256bits]

Swapping the spices? Quite a caper!

A caper with foresight -or not - he has to eat what she cooks.

 

[phinds]

A caper with foresight -or not - he has to eat what she cooks.

Either I'm missing your joke or you missed his. Do you know what capers are?

 

[phinds]

 

[256bits]

Either I'm missing your joke or you missed his. Do you know what capers are?

Caper has several meanings.
Think about it. Substitute "prank" for caper.

 

[phinds]

Caper has several meanings.
Think about it. Substitute "prank" for caper.

Yes, I know that but that was not the use in the joke.

 

[256bits]

Yes, I know that but that was not the use in the joke.

I was following up with a definite meaning of caper.
The prankster will have the caper backfire in him.
Pardon the expression, But he may get to have his caper, and eat it too.

 

[phinds]

I was following up with a definite meaning of caper.
The prankster will have the caper backfire in him.
Pardon the expression, But he may get to have his caper, and eat it too.

OK, on re-reading your post, I do now see the joke in it. Missed that the first time ' round.

 

[fresh_42]

I think you've ridden the horse to death!

 

[phinds]

I think you've ridden the horse to death!

Hey. It was a frisky horse. It had been eating capers.

 

[jack action]

OK, the reason behind why people have been stocking on toilet paper is now known:

 

[256bits]

OK, on re-reading your post, I do now see the joke in it. Missed that the first time ' round.

I guess it wasn't a very lame joke ( or maybe too lame ) as it didn't even get a single like.

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

My wife decided we're going to have macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight, so she put a box out on the kitchen counter, the usual tall skinny box containing uncooked macaroni and a packet of cheese sauce mix.

It has a little quiz on the back, in which you match words with pictures. If you ace it, does that make you a cheez whiz?

 

[Keith_McClary]

What commentators do when all the sports events are shut down:

 

[256bits]

That was kind of exciting!

 

[phinds]

That was kind of exciting!

I think the quarantine is having an effect on your judgement

 

[davenn]

That was kind of exciting!

uh huh

I think the quarantine is having an effect on your judgement

for sure, but still more entertaining that watching pain dry or grass grow

 

[mfb]

What commentators do when all the sports events are shut down

There is also a part 2.

 

[BillTre]

I've seen a commercial where an announcer is:

1. calling a race between two drops going down the inside of a bottle of some soft drink (product)
2. before the races ends (the drops reach the liquid in the bottle),
3. after which, he drinks it (commercial culmination and triumph!).

 

[phinds]

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[Keith_McClary]

This "gets it across":

 

[WWGD]

" My dog walked over sand paper"
"Was he hurt? How did he react?"
"He said rough-rough".

 

[WWGD]

"They fired me from the calendar factory"
"Why?"
" I took a day off".

 

[Borg]

I got bored today and entered 'coronavirus' into a slogan generator.

https://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi?word=coronavirus

 

[Wrichik Basu]

I got bored today and entered 'coronavirus' into a slogan generator.

https://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi?word=coronavirus

This one came out to be quite applicable in today's world:

And this one was the worst:

 

[fresh_42]

I had one which I will probably keep: "I'd rather bath in a bowl of Coronavirus!" That was useful.

 

[mfb]

It's Coronavirus Time

We're with the Coronavirus

They are right (although the second one is probably not meant that way).

Be Like Dad, Keep Coronavirus

Not sure about this one.

 

[WWGD]

The buffalo ,before leaving early in the day, to his young one:
"Bison".

 

[phinds]

The buffalo ,before leaving early in the day, to his young one:
"Bison".

You should be ashamed of yourself

 

[Ibix]

The buffalo ,before leaving early in the day, to his young one:
"Bison".

Where does a buffalo wash his face?

In the bison.