Collection of Lame Jokes
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That reminds me of an old one:davenn said:
Did you know Cleopatra used to bathe in donkey's milk?
Really? Pasteurised?
No, only up to her tummy button.
Psinter
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When someone threatens to delete your memes if you don't speak: Nooooooooo. Not my memes! Anything but that!lekh2003 said:
(sort of a lame joke)
lekh2003
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Ah, the good old browser downloader program.
lekh2003
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I may actually use that one.
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Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays us from our appointed duties - but we do draw the line when our car is actually buried under ice.davenn said:
lekh2003
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What's a pirate's favourite letter?
Arrrrrr.
Arrrrrr.
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I just found out some interesting things about vegetarians. The English translation of the Navajo word for vegetarian is "he who is lousy hunter". Also, although it's true that most vegetarians are vegetarians because they love animals, there are a few who are vegetarians because they hate plants. You can spot them in restaurants laughing demonically as they eat their brussel sprouts. Personally, I'm only a partial vegetarian. I just adore spinach and collard green plants and would never DREAM of eating them.
256bits
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Phone rings.
Me: Hello
Voice: Hi. Can I ask if your refrigerator I running?
Me: Yes. It's running.
Voice: Better go catch it.
Me: Arrr
Me: Hello
Voice: Hi. Can I ask if your refrigerator I running?
Me: Yes. It's running.
Voice: Better go catch it.
Me: Arrr
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There is no reason to be angry. Here's an example (unfortunately not until the end, but the first pages are worth a read anyway)256bits said:
Born to be free
256bits
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Funny stuff.
The tale actually came up as #2 on the Google book.
Now I don't know if I should tell what happened the second time the phone rang.
Oh, what the heck.
Me: Hello
Voice: Is this Mr Wall.
Me : No.
Voice: Oh. Are there any Walls in your house.
Me: No
Voice : Then what's holding up the roof?
Me: Arrrr
The tale actually came up as #2 on the Google book.
Now I don't know if I should tell what happened the second time the phone rang.
Oh, what the heck.
Me: Hello
Voice: Is this Mr Wall.
Me : No.
Voice: Oh. Are there any Walls in your house.
Me: No
Voice : Then what's holding up the roof?
Me: Arrrr
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I'm not sure whether I've read the following here or somewhere else, so I beg a pardon if so.
Whoever invented the Knock-Knock-Jokes should win the No-Bell prize.
Whoever invented the Knock-Knock-Jokes should win the No-Bell prize.
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Knock knock!fresh_42 said:
Who's there?
Isobel.
Isobel who?
Isobel on a bicycle.
AlexCaledin
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in a village, very late in a winter evening
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Need firewood?
No.
Next morning, the villager discovers that all his firewood disappeared...
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Need firewood?
No.
Next morning, the villager discovers that all his firewood disappeared...
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What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walky-talky.
What do you get if you cross that with an amoeba?
A cell phone.
A woolly jumper.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walky-talky.
What do you get if you cross that with an amoeba?
A cell phone.
deRoy
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But do you backup the backups? Because you are in great danger, otherwise!davenn said:not good
I don't rely on my phone for mass storage ... it's all done on the PC with backups
Dave
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Who's going to backup the backup of the backups?deRoy said:
Science Advisor
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Ibix said:
That reminds me of a joke I've posted before:
DrGreg said:
You need to know about mathematical vectors and scalars as well as epidemiological vectors.
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##\left|\mathrm {mountain-climber}\right|\left|\mathrm {mosquito}\right|\sin\theta\vec{\hat n}##?DrGreg said:
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At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left-turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ‘Car95’ or ‘CarNT’, and then added more seats.
6. Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.
7. Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘general car default’ warning light.
8. New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag would say ‘Are you sure?’ before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You would press the ‘start’ button to shut off the engine.
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left-turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ‘Car95’ or ‘CarNT’, and then added more seats.
6. Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.
7. Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘general car default’ warning light.
8. New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag would say ‘Are you sure?’ before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You would press the ‘start’ button to shut off the engine.
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I bought one of those Himalayan salt lamps. Apparently it achieves all sorts of health benefits by releasing negative ions.
If it works I'll be shocked.
If it works I'll be shocked.
