Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

Somebody's stolen my anti-depressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy.

 

[wrobel]

Text: you have got a package from China

 

[wrobel]

Somebody's stolen my anti-depressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy.

Doctor to a visitor: what worries you?
the visitor: enuresis worries me
The doctor prescribes: tranquilizers antidepressants.

After a week

the doctor to the visitor: how are you?
the visitor: I still have enuresis but it does not worry me any more.

 

[jack action]

​

The text reads: «I'm starting a new puzzle, it won't be easy.»

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

Someone's stolen my copy of Microsoft Office.

Whoever you are I will find you and I will take my vengeance - you have my Word!

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

In a few countries people have been showing their support for health workers by going outside and applauding at 8pm. There are now plans to extend this to other key workers. Tomorrow we're supporting delivery drivers - please come outside and applaud sometime between 9am and 5pm.

 

[DrGreg]

In a few countries people have been showing their support for health workers by going outside and applauding at 8pm. There are now plans to extend this to other key workers. Tomorrow we're supporting delivery drivers - please come outside and applaud sometime between 9am and 5pm.

Sorry, I can't manage that, but I'll put a card out.

 

[jtbell]

Where does a buffalo wash his face?

In the bison.

That's an Australian buffalo, right?

 

[jtbell]

When does a joke turn into a dad joke?

When it's full groan.

 

[davenn]

 

[Wrichik Basu]

View attachment 260738

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]

 

[BillTre]

 

[256bits]

View attachment 260780

What's the next designation five star rating.

"CoV-2 Free Since January 2020 "
( since they are all closed )

 

[256bits]

That was pretty lame.

A snail salesman knocks on a door.
The home owner opens the door, sees the snail, and snarly asks, " What do you want?"
The enterprising snail responds, "Sir, Would you be interested in some insurance for your ... ."
Before the snail could finish, the homeowner kicks the snail off his property. "And don't come around here no more."

Six months later another knock on the door.
The homeowner opens the door to see the same snail bandaged up with a head wound. And an accompanying policeman.
"Officer. That is the man who assaulted me."

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 260322

There's also a 3 & 4 (equally important):
3) Mixing of the population
4) Mixing of the population

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Someone's stolen my copy of Microsoft Office.

Whoever you are I will find you and I will take my vengeance - you have my Word!

Good Luck! ...

 

[phinds]

There's also a 3 & 4 (equally important):
3) Mixing of the population
4) Mixing of the population

GOOD LUCK! ...

Stavros, I don't think you get the fact that this is a joke thread. Either that or your humor totally escapes me.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Stavros, I don't think you get the fact that this is a joke thread. Either that or your humor totally escapes me.

The 1st is obvious (if you get davenn's you get mine! ... Sorry)
For the 2nd: obviously you haven't seen the movie! ...
So probably you did't understand them.

 

[phinds]

The 1st is obvious (if you get davenn's you get mine! ... Sorry)
For the 2nd: obviously you haven't seen the movie! ...
So probably you did't understand them.

OK, I haven't seen whatever movie you're talking about, so my bad, but I GOT davenn's but not yours.

 

[mfb]

The 1st is obvious (if you get davenn's you get mine! ... Sorry)

There are two ways to read "dense" but there are not two ways to read "mixing".

For the 2nd: obviously you haven't seen the movie! ...

I don't see how a Taken reference would fit here.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

OK, I haven't seen whatever movie you're talking about, so my bad, but I GOT davenn's but not yours.

There's no problem with my humor then! ...
[For the first, ask Ibix (his is based on the movie "Taken", and the "famous" words of Liam Neeson ...) - I just gave the standard reply in the movie - if you haven't seen it I recommend it]

 

[fresh_42]

Either that or your humor totally escapes me.

Don't try. This one is NP complete.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

There are two ways to read "dense" but there are not two ways to read "mixing".I don't see how a Taken reference would fit here.

Guys watch the movie. That'all I can say ... There's nothing wrong with my humor.

 

[jtbell]

In today’s local sports news, the senior citizens center announced that the winner of the pickleball championship will receive the Giant Gherkin trophy.

 

[Klystron]

A bit dark:

I love manic depression.
I hate it.

As Doctor Equator said to Longitude: "You appear to be bi-polar."

 

[256bits]

And the patient Mr Topography said to the good Doctor Map.
"I seem to be suffering from some ups and downs"

 

[fresh_42]

And the patient Mr Topography said to the good Doctor Map.
"I seem to be suffering from some ups and downs"

"Yes. You need an atlas to carry your burden."

 

[Klystron]

Heard that $\pi$ broke up with $\mathcal{i}$:

"You're too ℂomplex!", complained $\pi$.​

"Don't be irrational", replied $\mathcal{i}$.​

 

[phinds]

There's no problem with my humor then! ...
[For the first, ask Ibix (his is based on the movie "Taken", and the "famous" words of Liam Neeson ...) - I just gave the standard reply in the movie - if you haven't seen it I recommend it]

Ah. I've seen it. I get it now but the reference is too subtle and obscure. Also, you were yelling and as I recall he was closer to whispering.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Ah. I've seen it. I get it now but the reference is too subtle and obscure. Also, you were yelling and as I recall he was closer to whispering.

It wasn't yelling. It was a manner of emphasis (+the guy was being ironic etc.). If you had seen the whole movie you would realize that these ONLY words of his were very cricial in finding and punishing the guy! ...
[I even thought though earlier about editing the capitals myself, and I will (to bold) just now, since you mentioned it. Thanks for pointing out. Cheers]

 

[Ibix]

For the first, ask Ibix (his is based on the movie "Taken", and the "famous" words of Liam Neeson ...)

I wasn't deliberately referencing Taken. I probably did echo Neeson's "I will find you, and I will kill you" speech, because I needed something fairly bombastic for the "you have my word" line to fit, but it was unintentional and incidental to the word/Word punchline.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I wasn't deliberately referencing Taken. I probably did echo Neeson's "I will find you, and I will kill you" speech, because I needed something fairly bombastic for the "you have my word" line to fit, but it was unintentional and incidental to the word/Word punchline.

I figured that could have been the case ... but it makes it a double joke then anyway.

 

[WWGD]

I think they sent me the wrong mask...

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[phinds]

View attachment 260924

AAAARRRRGGGG ! You should be ashamed of yourself !

 

[BillTre]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Kids finally staying at home:
"We've been 3 weeks now inside with our parents! ... They seem Nice People! ..."

 

[davenn]

with less air pollution recently, we can finally see the ...

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 260961

... and hate to visit the doctor.

 

[Borg]

My wife has been taking me for daily walks...

 

[fresh_42]

My wife has been taking me for daily walks...

With or without a leash?

 

[Borg]

Woof