Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

Brilliant !

 

[davenn]

I lay in bed, pondering how wonderful nature is.
It was a clear, warm evening.
Beautiful weather, not a cloud in the sky.
I gazed up at the Milky Way, watching distant stars twinkle like diamonds.
Then, a thought came to me...
"HEY - WHERE THE HELL IS MY ROOF!??"

 

[CWatters]

Heard on a UK radio station recently. Program was about russian humour and how it's changing...Group of people have been queuing for bread for hours.
Eventually one man announces he's fed up with queuing and is going off to kill Gorbachev.
"Good idea" say all the others, "we will keep your place for you in the queue".
Many hours pass and the queue hasn't moved.
Eventually they see the man returning and rush to congratulate him on killing Gorbachev.
"I'm sorry" he replies "I couldn't do it, the queue to kill Gorbachev was even longer".

 

[DrClaude]

Don't forget the Hindenburg!

View attachment 219120

 

[Borg]

What's that manatee been eating?

 

[fresh_42]

What's that manatee been eating?

Seagrasses! Look at this giant fart?

 

[jtbell]

This school apparently believes in making things as simple as possible.

 

[Ibix]

Do you know how to think the unthinkable?

Spoiler

You ram it into an itheberg

 

[fresh_42]

Do you know how to think the unthinkable?

Spoiler

You ram it into a itheberg

Ouch!

 

[Bishop85]

-Watch out for the vacuum cleaner!
-What vacuuuuuuuuuuu...

this joke sucks lol

 

[Mark44]

Two scientists, one from Russia and one from the Czech Republic, had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous creatures.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.

The rangers then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach, only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other ! and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male.”

 

[Ibix]

Heading to the shops earlier I saw that somebody'd dumped a TV by the side of the road (). It doesn't look strong enough to take my weight, otherwise I was going to climb up on it and ask if I looked taller on TV.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Heading to the shops earlier I saw that somebody'd dumped a TV by the side of the road (). It doesn't look strong enough to take my weight, otherwise I was going to climb up on it and ask if I looked taller on TV.

Watch out! ... because the new ones are "two-dimensional" ...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I'm not sure whether I've read the following here or somewhere else, so I beg a pardon if so.

Whoever invented the Knock-Knock-Jokes should win the No-Bell prize.

https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/lame-jokes.25301/page-215#post-5921398
[That's why someone reviewing late (i.e./e.g. me) is always useful ...
Pardon is yours ... (you don't have to beg for it!) jk ]

 

[jtbell]

What do you call it when a Virginia Tech person puts his right foot in, puts his right foot out, puts his right foot in, and shakes it all about, but does a lousy job of it?

A hokey Hokie hokey-pokey.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

(Two friends A, B)
A: Our friend Jim is not to be trusted at all!
B: Why is that?
A: He lost 3 wives ...
B: So?
A: the first one was poisoned by mushroom
B: the second?
A: poisoned by mushroom too!
B: Hmmm! And the 3rd ... let me guess: also poisoned by mushroom!?
A: No! Severe head injuries ... for not eating mushroom! ...

 

[DrClaude]

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male.”

This is one of the lamest jokes I've ever heard. All that setup for a bad pun! Kudos, Mark!

 

[davenn]

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male.”

This is one of the lamest jokes I've ever heard. All that setup for a bad pun! Kudos, Mark!

I actually sat here staring at it for a minute or two, thinking I don't get it ... it finally clicked ... must have been tired

 

[Borg]

I actually sat here staring at it for a minute or two, thinking I don't get it ... it finally clicked ... must have been tired

Could be something more serious. You should have that Czeched.

 

[mfb]

That joke is hard to understand if you use bank transfers for everything.

 

[Mark44]

An old farmer goes to the theater one night. The ticket seller asks, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer replies, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," says the ticket seller. "We don't allow animals in the theater.

The old farmer goes around the corner and stuffs the bird down his pants. He returns to the booth,
buys a ticket and enters the theater. He sits down next to two old widows, Mildred and Marge.

The movie starts and the rooster begins to squirm. The old farmer unzips his pants so Chucky can
stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispers Mildred.

"What?" Marge asks.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?", Marge asks.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispers Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it, " says Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so too," says Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"

 

[DrGreg]

An old farmer goes to the theater one night...

That wasn't the dyslexic farmer who thought that "farm" was spelled "EIEIO"?

 

[Mark44]

That wasn't the dyslexic farmer who thought that "farm" was spelled "EIEIO"?

No, it was the farmer who had a pet rooster that he liked to take to the movies. But he was a bit dyslexic, and thought that "EIEIO" was spelled "IEIEO."

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

What do you call the mobster who runs the organized-crime ring in a fishing port?

The Codfather.

 

[Ibix]

What do you call the mobster who runs the organized-crime ring in a fishing port?

The Codfather.

He's part of the MAFFia.

(Explanation for non-UK readers and young 'uns)

 

[dextercioby]

There's a restaurant just outside Bucharest, RO which sells the chef's specialty: FIBONACCI'S SOUP. Ingredients: yesterday's and the day before's soup.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

There's a restaurant just outside Bucharest, RO which sells the chef's specialty: FIBONACCI'S SOUP. Ingredients: yesterday's and the day before's soup.

It better be a "lemon" soup (preservative ...).

FIBONACCI'S SOUP. Ingredients: yesterday's and the day before's soup.

What is the cut-off integer for Emergency Hospital Attendance?
[Could have been Science Jokes ...]

 

[mfb]

What is the cut-off integer for Emergency Hospital Attendance?

1 deep cut is typically sufficient.