Collection of Lame Jokes
- Thread starter quddusaliquddus
- Start date
-
- Tags
- Jokes
Join the discussion
Registration is free. Ask a follow-up in this thread, or start your own.
24,335 replies · 3M views
- 13,926
- 16,804
What the...? Somebody wanted to build a stream-lined train and sloped the wrong aspect? The train was passing between two concrete walls, which simultaneously fell inwards? They ran out of money to build the roof, so just squashed the walls together? There was some kind of hideous imperial/metric mess up between the people who made the floor and the people who made the roof?
I googled it - it's a photoshop job apparently. Nicely done, though. https://mobile.twitter.com/MrTimDunn/status/771438531717763072/photo/1
I googled it - it's a photoshop job apparently. Nicely done, though. https://mobile.twitter.com/MrTimDunn/status/771438531717763072/photo/1
Stavros Kiri
- 1,148
- 1,014
davenn said:
I like the driver! Typical Tobleronistanian! ...Ibix said:
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
Homework Helper
2025 Award
- 16,110
- 8,522
Statement from the Groundhog-in-Chief’s press secretary:
“Yes, he said six more weeks of winter. However, he didn’t say when.”
(Temperatures have been 20-25F above normal for the past couple of days. Today's high of 81F set a new record for this date!)
“Yes, he said six more weeks of winter. However, he didn’t say when.”
(Temperatures have been 20-25F above normal for the past couple of days. Today's high of 81F set a new record for this date!)
Attachments
Last edited:
Mentor
- 38,152
- 10,760
A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked: “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she said: “You.”
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked: “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she said: “You.”
Mentor
- 38,152
- 10,760
Some of the older members here might appreciate this.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly."
"The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night ?"
"The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night ?"
- 13,926
- 16,804
What's a dog's favourite breakfast?
Woofles.
What's a dog's favourite tube stop?
Barking.
Woofles.
What's a dog's favourite tube stop?
Barking.
Stavros Kiri
- 1,148
- 1,014
Did she mean that he was a "different person" back then (i.e. he changed) or she simply realized her mistake for telling the truth (based on the husband's reaction) and simply backed off ... fixing things ?Mark44 said:
Mentor
- 38,152
- 10,760
No.Stavros Kiri said:
No, not that either. One of the kids didn't look like the other nine. Take a closer look at the joke...Stavros Kiri said:
Stavros Kiri
- 1,148
- 1,014
Mark44 said:
"You." ... as in Chinese name?Mark44 said:
- 20,819
- 28,467
No. Strike three.Stavros Kiri said:
Stavros Kiri
- 1,148
- 1,014
What else could it be?fresh_42 said:
Wait ... From a different mother and he forgot?
Science Advisor
- 3,766
- 2,215
No,...Stavros Kiri said:
"...different from ALL the other children..."
Mentor
- 38,152
- 10,760
No. Strike four...Stavros Kiri said:
Mentor
- 38,152
- 10,760
"My jokes aren't for the masses..."
Stavros Kiri
- 1,148
- 1,014
It was the last kid ... . How old was the mother then?
Science Advisor
- 3,766
- 2,215
[Since a trend seems to be developing in this thread for old guys to make fun of each other...]
Once upon a time there was an elderly couple, Albert and Jean. Poor old Albert had lost some of his hearing, and a few of his marbles. But his somewhat younger wife Jean could still communicate with Albert, and loved him dearly. Apart from his hearing and being a bit vague, Albert had been in reasonably good health. But this began to decline, and Albert was no longer feeling his usual self. So Jean took him to see the doctor...
The doctor did the basic examinations. Pulse, blood pressure, etc, and listened all over with his stethoscope. Then he sat down to talk with the couple.
"Well, Albert", said the doctor, "I can't find anything obviously wrong for a man of your age. So I'll have to run some more tests."
"Eh? Whaaat??", said Albert, who couldn't hear or understand properly.
"It's alright dear", said Jean, more loudly. "The doctor just needs to do some TESTS".
"Yes", said the doctor. "Now, Albert, I'd like you to come back tomorrow, and I need you to bring me: a urine sample, a faeces sample, and a semen sample. Do you think you can do that?"
"Eh? Whaaat??", said Albert, not comprehending.
"It's alright dear", said Jean, sweetly. "The doctor just needs me to bring him your pyjama pants."
Once upon a time there was an elderly couple, Albert and Jean. Poor old Albert had lost some of his hearing, and a few of his marbles. But his somewhat younger wife Jean could still communicate with Albert, and loved him dearly. Apart from his hearing and being a bit vague, Albert had been in reasonably good health. But this began to decline, and Albert was no longer feeling his usual self. So Jean took him to see the doctor...
The doctor did the basic examinations. Pulse, blood pressure, etc, and listened all over with his stethoscope. Then he sat down to talk with the couple.
"Well, Albert", said the doctor, "I can't find anything obviously wrong for a man of your age. So I'll have to run some more tests."
"Eh? Whaaat??", said Albert, who couldn't hear or understand properly.
"It's alright dear", said Jean, more loudly. "The doctor just needs to do some TESTS".
"Yes", said the doctor. "Now, Albert, I'd like you to come back tomorrow, and I need you to bring me: a urine sample, a faeces sample, and a semen sample. Do you think you can do that?"
"Eh? Whaaat??", said Albert, not comprehending.
"It's alright dear", said Jean, sweetly. "The doctor just needs me to bring him your pyjama pants."
Mentor
- 38,152
- 10,760
Not relevant...Stavros Kiri said:
Stavros Kiri
- 1,148
- 1,014
Well, with ten kids there is a high chance that the tenth was born after 35 years old (for the wife), so it could be a disabled kid.Mark44 said:
But I know that's not it.
Now though I am pretty sure I got it! (that's why you get a 'like'!) [I slept on it ...]
Only the tenth was his!
Last edited:
Mentor
- 37,544
- 14,425
Correct.Stavros Kiri said:Now though I am pretty sure I got it! (that's why you get a 'like'!) [I slept on it ...]
Only the tenth was his!
- 13,926
- 16,804
What do you get if you cross a road-roller and a duck-billed platypus?
A duck-billed flatypus.
(
)
A duck-billed flatypus.
(
)
- 20,819
- 28,467
... or throw covertly condoms or pregnancy tests in a shopping cart of a couple.davenn said:
- 13,926
- 16,804
...or places you still work at.davenn said:
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
Homework Helper
2025 Award
- 16,110
- 8,522
This reminds me of an anecdote told by Herman "Pat" Herst Jr., a long-time stamp collector, dealer and author of several books about the hobby. He was once invited to a elementary-school class (third grade, maybe) to talk about stamp collecting. One of the students introduced him to the rest of the class as a "well-known platypus."Ibix said:
- 13,926
- 16,804
Just goes to show - philately will get you nowhere.jtbell said:
- 13,926
- 16,804
Sorry to hear that - that's not so much fun.davenn said:I do that often enough anyway
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
Homework Helper
2025 Award
- 16,110
- 8,522
Another story from "Pat" Herst. He was friends with a stamp dealer who also owned or worked for an auction house that dealt with antiques etc. This guy once received a letter from someone who wanted him to appraise an old, beautiful and possibly valuable bowel that had been in the family for generations.